#suspected dpdr

[crownedhades]

(note: when i say i am dissociating, i am talking about schizoid dissociation, and not forms of dissociation tied to other disorders.)

dissociation is such an odd thing.

honestly, its more rare that im not dissociating. im always dissociating. im always detached and reverting inward. im always disconnected from the external world around me. nothing ever feels real, nothing ever pulls me to life.

and some days, such as today, everything starts to feel much more heavy. like mud is being piled on top of me, soaking me with its grime and wet dirt. like a weighted blanket thats trying to suffocate and kill you.

where my memory becomes more fuzzy. where its hard to concentrate and focus. where i dont even know who im talking to. where i dont even know who i am, because even my name slips past me.

its almost just,,, extreme derealization. constant derealization. i know schizoid symptoms cross over into dpdr a lot, but... this is intense. so fucking intense.

one of these days, i really need to be evaluated for dpdr. i really do. just not today, just not anytime soon. life is not so forgiving to allow me such things.

i wonder if theres medication for it.

i am not a pill advocate, but i think im a lost cause in this subject.

[stormnye]

yknow. I highly suspect I have dpdr

mainly because of the internet addiction I had since I was 7.

Like, okay, that may not be fully the cause but it mainly started out that way

I remember, vividly, walking into the kitchen, to the fridge, feeling like I was in one of my video games, and I remember telling my family members about it because I thought it was cool! It was a cool feeling!!

but now..?

Thanks to vyvanse and caffeine hypersensitivity, I wound up getting a derealization episode bad enough that it basically sealed my fate forever. I thought nothing was real, I knew I was being irrational but it felt like I was in a dream because of how present I was.

I was aware of myself, too aware of myself, and sure maybe it once again is just “too much internet” but god it was distressing. And now? Oh, now!

earlier today, I didn’t feel in control of myself. I knew it was me, it was my actions and my words that were being spoken..but I also felt like I was watching myself in spectator mode, interacting with the world.

i didn’t have a fix for it, grounding techniques DO NOT WORK for me, I’m forced to distract myself and sit it out. But for that hour or two, I was in purgatory. Hell, writing this is triggering it as well. Sigh.

Either way, I need to get it checked out because I really do think I might have it, the only thing that placates it is being online most of the day; otherwise nothing feels real, and I am not.