#void.vent

[w4t3rh4mm3r]

I know the New Year's is soon and I'd like to say, thank you. Everyone whom follows, talks or even interacts once with me.

You may not know who I am, but you don't realize how much you all mean to me. It sounds cringy but I'm being honest.

Thank you for hearing my wacky shit, thank you for hearing me out, thank you. You may not see how much I'm thankful for you all, but I am. I'm just not a big show-er of how I feel with others.

I wish you all a happy and hopeful new year.

In the meantime, enjoy it while it lasts. We don't stay in 2022 forever. :)

[zo1nkss]

that thing ppl do where they color Ed and Stede the same color and then just add rlly dark shadows to Ed so it looks like they tried? yeah it's not cute lmfao

[stormnye]

yknow. I highly suspect I have dpdr

mainly because of the internet addiction I had since I was 7.

Like, okay, that may not be fully the cause but it mainly started out that way

I remember, vividly, walking into the kitchen, to the fridge, feeling like I was in one of my video games, and I remember telling my family members about it because I thought it was cool! It was a cool feeling!!

but now..?

Thanks to vyvanse and caffeine hypersensitivity, I wound up getting a derealization episode bad enough that it basically sealed my fate forever. I thought nothing was real, I knew I was being irrational but it felt like I was in a dream because of how present I was.

I was aware of myself, too aware of myself, and sure maybe it once again is just “too much internet” but god it was distressing. And now? Oh, now!

earlier today, I didn’t feel in control of myself. I knew it was me, it was my actions and my words that were being spoken..but I also felt like I was watching myself in spectator mode, interacting with the world.

i didn’t have a fix for it, grounding techniques DO NOT WORK for me, I’m forced to distract myself and sit it out. But for that hour or two, I was in purgatory. Hell, writing this is triggering it as well. Sigh.

Either way, I need to get it checked out because I really do think I might have it, the only thing that placates it is being online most of the day; otherwise nothing feels real, and I am not.

[stormnye]

ngl I feel like therapy won’t help me bc my counselor asked me to work on 1 thing specifically during my time with her, and I physically couldn’t answer bc every single thing is woven together. Neurodivergency -> trauma -> mental illness, and it’s all interwoven into one another that to focus on one is impossible

[stormnye]

[haha funni slight vent]

fuck guys RSD is kicking in- I still need to see if I got anxiety,, and the RSD is all because someone didn’t reply to sumn I said so hahahahwahhahaha fAk

[stormnye]

Sorry for the ventathon but I feel like that trope

I realize that my life isnt real, its all a simulation, and that simulation begins to break down in front of my very eyes and corrupt. The fantasy is gone

/metaphor

[stormnye]

// vent

does anyone else have the Canon event of "moved to their verbally abusive grandma's house where their mentally unstable(/srs) aunt also lived in bc their parents couldn't afford housing anymore, then had to be unschooled bc grandma was disruptive and couldn't even go outside because it was a dangerous neighborhood, so at 7 years old onward you lived vicariously through the internet, going to the local playground OCCASIONALLY and going on grocery runs with ur aunt who spoiled you, and not having food insecurity for years bc ur aunt had foodstamps and ur dad had a job, only for when ur aunt left and ur grandma died and ur aunt died not only are you eternally grieved but also the money ran out. You had to live on foodstampa but not even that was enough and now you struggle with food insecurity so badly because your dad is financially irresponsible and also the house is a complete mess and there's mold and damp wood everywhere and its falling apart and

[stormnye]

Im being fucking murdered by cramps ibs and lactose intolerance so bad