#sylva system

[sylvasystem]

Me: takes my Prozac before I go to brush my teeth and go to bed

The Prozac sleep monster:

[sylvasystem]

Honestly there's no exhaustion quite like being a persecutor/prosecutor heavy system constanrly torn between

-trying not to live up to the "evil alter" stereotypes about DID

and

-no one actually listens until we're purposely vile and mean about it

I don't like baring my teeth, nor the iron taste left behind from biting those I love

But what else am I supposed to do when cornered and none of my screams to stop hurting me are heard?

[sylvasystem]

We have such strange damn dreams-

Anyways, should we draw more of this little monster our mind blessed us with last night?

[sylvasystem]

Something I don't see discussed a lot in the DID/OSDD community is persecutor heavy systems or how they function

I can't speak for all persecutors or anything, obviously, but even for those of us who don't get along well, it's like we're all playing a game of CAH with personalized cards

And you don't come into a game of CAH to get upset over all the cards at play, ya know? It's crude, rash, and cruel, but supposed to be done all in good fun - dark humor

Then someone outside the system walks up, and they've got anything from Uno to Blackjack

But they think just because they've seen a deck of cards, they know how to play

And booooy do they get pissed when a CAH card rubs them the wrong way, because it's supposed to be like their cards!

And we LOVE playing Uno - always wanted to learn blackjack - nothing wrong with em

But it is SO exhausting to have everyone's games be acceptable except our own, when all the punchlines are ones we've lived through and earned the right to use humor to cope/discuss it with others

And yet all anyone else sees, are a deck full of the unforgiveable, and a bunch of jackasses laughing about it

[sylvasystem]

I'm but a tiger inside a circus cage

Covered in blood and snarling

All I see outside in the lamp-light

Is people pointing in terror

But none dare get close enough

To see the blood is my own

From clawing at myself

To cope with the hunger

Not of food, but loneliness

Aching in a ribcage I cannot break through

Surrounded by bars made up

Of Almost and false promises

All I have left inside my cage is the Self

And the bared teeth

For any who try to get closer

[sylvasystem]

Persecutor, but not in the Split serial killer kinda way

Persecutor in the pit bull growling when an adult walks up to a group of kids kinda way

Persecutor in the elephant killing a woman and destroying her funeral because she helped poachers kill the elephant's kid kinda way

Persecutor in the tiger in the circus attacking a guy with a whip because the fire ring's too small again kinda way

Persecutor in the cheered to call out dangerous stupidity until I call out their dangerous stupidity kinda way

Persecutor in the I'm not the evil villain here to destroy the earth, I'm that indiscernible line between justice and revenge kinda way

Persecutor in the I'm the monster of your own design, so why do you fear what you created kinda way

[sylvasystem]

Half tempted to just stkp all my therapy and everything and just let what happens happen

Whst's the point of improvement if its just a life locked in a cage?

Why work to better myself when nothing ever stops getting worse?

[sylvasystem]

Forever an obligation

Never a desire

Drowning in the waves

Seemingly the only fire