#system integration

[pumpkinpatchproductions]

What being a Steven Universe fan does to a system.

[p03laroid]

We're finally getting therapy for our DID, and it's. Relieving, but also terrifying. I love our therapist, though, she comforted us when we told her how scared we were to lose one another via integration. She said something to the effect of "The goal isn't to make everyone into one big blob, it's to help them let go of their burdens and give you access to their gifts, their joys," and that. Is not a way we've heard it phrased before, so it was really comforting.

I'm still terrified of being the new host. I'm still terrified what healing means for us. I'm still terrified that we'll never love ourselves. I'm terrified that I'll remain unrecognizable to myself. I'm terrified. But I know we'll only continue to feel miserable if I don't do anything.

We've been having some hard switches today, so I hope next week gets here soon.

[doomsdaycoven]

a poem about integration in cdd systems, from the perspective of an integrated alter

photo has alt text, plain text under cut + irl notebook image for fun

none of us have written poetry in months. no part of me specifically has ever written anything. i've just realized tonight another person i integrated with and even though i have their memories i still feel more Naveen than i feel like either of them.

just felt like sharing i suppose. obligatory "this is my experience and yours very well may differ"

I feel indebted

to the lives whose memories

I carry.

years ago I went by

two names,

no longer mine

but undeniably mine even still.

I've existed for

days

and years

and still merely days

I remember how it felt

to die in his skin.

I remember how it felt:

her burning unforgiveness

I wonder if they'd hate me

until I look in the mirror

and remember they wear my face.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Here’s some positivity for systems who have chosen integration or final fusion as their goal in recovery!

Every system is unique, and many systems did not choose to be this way! For some, fusion is the best way to ensure health, safety, and happiness for that individual. And for many others, integration is how a system can find self love, compassion, and acceptance. This post is for people who find themselves in these situations!

Quite often in system spaces, there is a romanticization of distinct alters, dissociative barriers, and fully separate parts. Unfortunately for many systems, this is not a beneficial or realistic way to visualize healing and recovery. While many systems do choose to remain fully separate, and find that this way of life suits them best, this cannot be said for all systems.

Whether your system hopes for partial fusion or integration, or a full fusion and complete integration, please know that these are all perfectly healthy and normal choices for you and your system to make. Fusion does not “kill alters,” you are not “forcing headmates into dormancy” or “destroying your system” by choosing this path. While it is true that fusion is not best for everyone and every system has differing, individual needs, it’s also true that a significant percentage of systems do find peace, healing, and recovery through full integration or final fusion.

Please know that if you do find yourself in this situation, you will never be barred from our community. Even if you are a singlet who once identified as plural, you are still a vital and important member of the plural community. Your stories and experience can provide hope to many struggling systems who are where you once were. You will always be able to provide a unique perspective, and we value your presence in our spaces.

Regardless of how far along the integration process you are or hope to one day be, we care about you, we love you, and we want the very best for you! Only you, your system, and your mental health providers can truly understand and decide which recovery path is the best to take. We’re rooting for you, and we’re here for you, now and in the future - no matter what it holds for you and your system!

If you are struggling and are curious about integration, please reach out to a therapist or mental health professional. Additionally, you might benefit from these resources:

Understanding Integration by Rachel Downing (a trauma survivor and integrated person with DID)

Cooperation, Integration, and Fusion from DID-Research.org

Structural Dissociation Discussion by System Speak (while this is only a discussion article, it provides insight into what integration actually is and how its meaning can be commonly misunderstood in plural spaces)

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

[hedonicghost]

here you will stay

[chordata-on-alterhumanity]

There’s something painful about telling a friend that you’ve integrated, that your system has merged into one person, and they react to it by saying “I miss the others”. Who? What others? We’re right here. We’re me now. And then even when you explain that to them, they don’t understand and repeat the same thing. I know I don’t come across as all these people, I don’t have all their mannerisms, at least not at the same time. It’s complicated. But neither am I just one of the formers system members, nor am I a new person. Treating ‘us’ like we’re no longer there hurts me, hurts the people who they say they miss. There wasn’t even a ‘host’ in our case who you could assume is the one who took over front while the others vanished…

I’m glad I have other friends who instantly accepted it, one notable one going along the lines of “Ya, it happens, no big deal”, and that I have a great platonic partner who cheered me on in accepting change.

[honeysuckle-venom]

30 Days of DID: Day 3

Day Three: What are your thoughts on integration? Do you wish to integrate?

Note: For the purpose of this question, “integration” refers to final fusion.

For the first three years of knowing I had DID, I was adamantly opposed to integration. No matter how much people assured me that you didn’t lose anything and it was a positive experience, I felt like it was the same as my death and the deaths of all of the other alters, and that we would just be replaced by some new person. This (understandably) terrified me. I found even the mention of it to be confronting and upsetting, and I refused to seriously consider it or talk about it in therapy.

For the past few years I have been on a downward trajectory. My symptoms have become increasingly difficult to deal with. In January I had to be hospitalized, and at that point I realized that something had to give. What I was doing just wasn’t working. I went on disability and have been focusing on rest and recovery since March.

And a few months ago for a few beautiful days the recovery work I was doing led to something of an epiphany. For a few days (I’m not sure how long but less than a week) I was the only one fronting. But instead of feeling lost and alone and reaching out to find no one there, it felt...good. When I reached out instead of emptiness I found warmth. My head felt clearer than it had in years. They were there, kind of, but they weren’t separate the same way they usually are. I felt...free? And it seemed to be something of a sneak preview of what integration might be like. When everyone came back we talked a lot about integration with each other and with our therapist, and we have pretty much decided to make integration our long term goal.

That said, we still have a lot of fears about it, and there are days when we don’t want to do it. And we’re not spending a lot of energy actively pursuing it and trying to force it to happen. Instead we’re continuing to work on communication, cooperation, and lowering dissociative barriers. Most likely in the end this work will result in integration, but it’s not the day to day focus. The basic attitude is kind of “we’ll continue to try to work together, and if we’re meant to integrate it will happen in time.”