I can't remember the pseudonym I used for that little part I talked about in therapy last time. It stated with a "D" but I can't remember what it was. Was it Delilah?
Anyway, I spent most of therapy talking about her and how my relationship with my partner has actually decreased my phobia of her. Telling my partner about "Delilah" and having her respond with "she sounds like a little me" just shifted my entire perspective.
My therapist was so respectful in trying to create a place that felt safer for this part. She didn't even use the word "safe space" because she recognized how insulting that felt to a part who feels like the entire world is unsafe.
But we got to a place where I could meet her there in that place and offer her some reassurance. But she still feels like a ghost to me and I think I still look like a monster to her. Strangely, I found two teenager parts I know very well were able to enter her space freely, and they behave like they know her well, like they've always known her. I'm smothering down the urge to react with "Well you could have told me!"
The other surprise was the reaction to my therapist asking if she needed anything. This part feels so small and passive and weak to me. But immediately the answer was an image, not words, and image of weapons - blunt instruments to fend other people off. I felt so unsure that I asked my therapists permission. No one has ever asked for weapons in their safe space before. Well, Rory asked for a bat, but that felt different. My therapist said of course, she needs to defend herself, but I can't imagine her wielding this weapons. I don't think she could even lift them.
I feel crazy writing this all down. I felt crazy during the session. You would think that this would get easier, but it hasn't. Actually, I feel like it's getting harder. Like there's a voice in my head going "Haven't you outgrown your imaginary friends yet?"
