I didn’t learn this properly growing up, but luckily, books! There are 6 approaches to enforcing structure, and keeping them in mind has led to our best success as a team.
Rigidity treats the rule as more important than the child, and is enforced without regard to the child’s needs. It doesn’t believe children should have a say and comes with threats, like violence or the removal of affection. It leads to kids feeling oppressed, imperfect, scared, angry, and learning that rules are more important than their needs.
Criticism is about name calling, rather than setting clear standards for behavior. It uses words like “always” and “never” and can apply judgey labels in an effort to enforce behavior. Not helpful, and kids grow up feeling like they can’t ask for help, or that failure means they’re a bad person.
Non-negotiable rules tell children what to do to be safe and successful, are made for the child's well-fare, and are routinely enforced. They prove to children that you care about their safety and that they should too. These rules teach children to be obedient and that failure has consequences.
Negotiable rules are created with children, a process that teaches kids to argue, bargain, evaluate data, communicate politely, make decisions, and become increasingly responsible for themselves. They know and feel bought-in towards the intention of the rule. They feel respected, listened to, empowered... and on the way, maybe stumble. They learn and grow.
Marshmallow parents grant freedom without demanding responsibility in return. Parents let their kids get away with murder, giving into demands and teaching kids that they don’t need to grow up. It might look weirdly supportive, loving or trusting, but it undermines children's confidence and teaches them that there are no consequences.
Abandonment consists of few/no rules, and therefore failure to provide opportunities for children to safely learn age appropriate skills. It can also be the result of parents who are unavailable (physically or emotionally), criminals, bullies, or suffering from mental illness or substance disorders. Kids grow up believing that they’re not worth loving, that they’re not wanted, and that their needs aren’t important. Not. Cool.
Despite being written about children, the book makes it clear, these rules apply to people of all ages. You can use them setting boundaries, with your boss, with your partner and yep, even with your parts ;) We follow the books instructions and make sure our rules fall into the non-negotiable (safety based) and negotiable (learning based) buckets. Solid results in practice.