Told my best friend (n) that i think I'm a trans guy and she said "well that explains alot"
THE FUCK YOU MEANNNNNNNN
Then she said "i just expect a lot from you cus ur weird" THAT'S VALID BUT STILLLL WDYM YOU HAD A FEELING WHEN WE FIRST METTTT EVEN I DIDN'T KNOOOOWWWWWW
. I dont feel that you see me as a man. Or at least even a guy, a dude. And ykw. You dont. I can tell, and I really actually hate that. I dont hate you, I dont really blame you persay, but knowing that I am not seen as who I actually am by someone I love deeply, is completely uncanny to me. Its disturbing, it makes me feel sick.
I know you're figuring yourself out, I know you're still questioning your sexuality and everything, but it really really hurts when you tell me you're straight. I dont think you understand at all. Its nauseating, it makes me feel so disgusted with myself. It makes me feel like im ruining you.
I dont like being called pretty. I dont like being called beautiful. I want to be handsome and charming and manly and stunning. I am not your girlfriend. I know you dont call me that, it just needs to be clarified.
You love me. I know that. I love you. I know that. I only wish that you would see me as I am, as I really am. Im not ever going to be a girl, I will never be your girlfriend, I will never be anyone's wife. I will always be a man. I will always be Kaine. Thats my name, thats my real, genuine name.
I used to be a girl, I will admit! When I was a little baby, thats who I was. Her name was [deadname], and she lived a good life, and she had so much fun. But she isnt there anymore. I took her place, I took the life she lived, because she deserved better. And I will never go back. She only exists in my memories. [Deadname] is not me, and I am not her. I knew her, and she influences some things I will admit, but now its just Me. Kaine.
Anyone who says that I am her is wrong. Anyone who calls me by that name is wrong. And I will hate them. They are disgracing that little girl I once was, they are spitting on her face and rubbing dirt in her eyes.
I am Kaine. That is who I am. I am a man in the places it matters most, and nothing will ever, EVER change that. I want to look like a man, I want to be covered in hair. I want a fucking mustache and beard and I want muscles and fat on my body, and I want a flat chest, a chest without tits. I want a dick, whether silicone or real, and I want my driver's license to have an M marker. I want to be called Sir and Mr.
I want to get married in an elegant suit, have the priest or whatever tell my partner they may kiss the groom. God I want to be a groom, waiting for my partner to walk down the aisle in their beautiful outfit, and be their husband, their partner.
I want to be a safe place for other gay men and boys, and I want to relate with them and talk about how it is to be a man, to love other men and other people as a man. I want to be seen, felt, taste, heard, cherished, loved, held, protected, helped, hurt, feared, hated, buried as a man.
At my funeral I want them to say how much of a beloved Husband, brother, father, uncle, and friend I was. I want my gravestone to have Kaine on it. I want to be buried with a fine old black suit. I want the crowd to have loved me as I was, I want to have been a man throughout the entire life by the people I loved. I want the eulogies to say "He was a great man". I want the preacher to say "He had a good life".In every single aspect, I want to be known, I want to be loved, i want to die, a man.
Do not let them bury me in a dress. Do not call me their daughter. Do not call me a wife. Do not call me a mother. Do not let them take away who I was, and use a name that died before my body. Do not speak to me like a woman. Do not lie to me or yourself, saying I am something I am not.
May be one of like 8 trans guys whose testosterone makes them bawl like babies. Like I never cry off T as on it I’m like, “everything is the most emotional experience ever.”
I literally did my shot this morning and literally am sobbing over a children’s tv show right now
