I think for New Year, I will give myself this note (knowing full-well I’ll be busting ass through the holidays). I will know and remember there’s a particular reason why I wrote it- and lest I forget what I told myself tonight, I’ll remind myself with this.
Don’t forget who you are.
Don’t forget where you come from.
Don’t forget what you’ve been through.
Don’t let anyone break you.
Its been twenty-six years of endurance, and you know as well as I do that I don’t plan this to be my last year. This year was better than most and I’ve learned a lot. My mind’s been boggled, my heart has bled, my soul’s been fractured, my body’s been beaten and afflicted. And despite these I’ve still managed to keep moving forward. Somehow. By grace of God or Lucifer, or some otherworldly deity whose magical spells somehow keep defying what should have been an inevitable end.
But maybe it’s really because I’ve learned to see better where I’m going and what paths to take. I took a LOT of wrong turns…somehow kept going. But these were necessary mistakes- through these I learned what I never would if I hadn’t. Knowledge and experience was the light that keeps the fog of doubt and confusion at bay, and the determination to live was the courage that powered me through the fears and dangers I couldn’t anticipate.
I learned to forgive and forget a little. My past will always be the impermeable darkness in the back of my mind, but it doesn’t have to define who I am. I can change- I can be better. I learned that I am no longer restricted to the laws of my younger self, and am free to express myself as I please. Somehow its made me more approachable to people, and I’m glad to call a few of them my friends, despite remaining resolute in keeping them at arm’s length. Remember that there is nothing wrong in that- trust is earned, not given. You learned this, too.
I’ve changed so much, physically, mentally and emotionally. Positively. People have noticed more than I have. I’ve learned happiness can be infectious, and people are willing to return it to you. I’ve learned as I’ve improved my performance and outlook, people’s attitudes towards me have changed as well, and to see those who are genuine and two-faced. And I’ve learned to avoid the toxic people- and bear the ones I can’t.
Its hard to forget, but DON’T always fall for the person willing to be nice to you. You’re sharp and astute- you see the signs but choose to ignore them. Eventually, you’ve seen that they amounted to exactly what you knew they would, and you’ve been through enough to know not to get into all that bullfuckery again. Glamorizing was a neat pastime, but its wasting time and creating unreal expectations. Its like a drug- take it in moderation and not at all if you don’t need it. You don’t need a nice comment or a fantasy to validate your beauty and self-worth.
And lastly, let no one break you. You made it this far because you endured what life threw at you. It hurt, and a lot of times it hurt a fucking LOT. But you knew as long as there was air in your lungs and life in your heart and that you were still standing on your own two feet that this would just be another moment made to pass. YOU know who you are and what you’ve been though- they don’t. Don’t make them doubt yourself just because you couldn’t fit to their liking. Why are you trying to anyway- stop that. Be more unyielding. Tell them to fuck off. Show them you’re not going to follow their expectations and bring them into the reality that you are not the innocent, timid girl they thought you were. Just…make sure it doesn’t lose you your job, k?
You're not too far gone. You'll endure. You'll be alright.
Take care of yourself better, girl. Not just for you- for Myutini. She’s been with you forever and dealt with as much shit as you have…she deserves to be treated better. Get her a cat tower or something.
