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anyway in further "maybe plural maybe not who knoooooows" news. had another one of those moments where I felt like I "woke up" / gained awareness in the middle of a shower and then proceeded to actually properly deal with all the stuff I failed to when "I" (?????????????) wasn't there (???????????????????????????????). like "okay I'm taking control of this body LOOK I'm going to use these arms to pick up the comb and comb our hair (jeez how did you let it get this bad)". would have done way more except that the other side of my thoughts (the "regular" side?? if that's even a thing that makes any semblance of sense) was like "hey Star you know this is just an excuse to stay up right. because you like midnight. literally whenever you do this you stay up until 2 am finding random things to sort and organize. you're not all that much better than the rest of me."

#my posts #task manager brain

no clue if I'm plural but also like. what the fuck else could explain the weird moments where I'm writing something and then suddenly partway through something flips inside my head and I have to reread what I just wrote and also I have the complete opposite opinion from before. and I'm convinced that I never would have believed the opinion from before. the one that I literally wrote down it is literally right in front of me. it's so annoying and it happens probably so much more than it should

#my posts #task manager brain

it's like just unbelievable how much easier it is to figure out gender stuff when I just. mentally ask the other versions of me.

"huh I wonder what I'll think about the name theo next time I'm a boy" *png of boy me with a thumbs up emoji gets beamed into my mind*

"hey girl me what about they/xe/she? so then you still get she but I can put some of my real pronouns first in our bio?" "yeah sure but we need to eventually figure out how to easily show which one we are currently"

"we should figure out a hairstyle we can swap between girl and not-girl" "alright I think it needs to have these features what do you think" "great okay let's start googling"

like. I need to quit trying to figure out what the one "real" me is and just remember to negotiate with the versions of me that I know I'm going to keep being at different times. on account of the genderfluidity

#pronoun pins were definitely a step in the right direction at least #because when i'm a girl then going by they/them makes me really dysphoric #but i don't want to be letting people think my pronouns are always she/her because that would be really shitty to all the other me's #at least now we've all agreed that we like xe/xem so there's at least one common overlap between everything and i can put that in my bio #anyway this does work for other situations too #like when two sides of my brain inexplicably have opposite takes on some character i'm posting about #trying to just let the first one finish the post and have them take turns instead of screaming over each other #my posts #gender stuff #genderfluid #theo posts #<- this was a theo post. i remember.#task manager brain #retroactively tagging this one bc dear fucking goodness look at these tags #how do you say all this and not realize how it sounds (plural)

I think I could finally stop fucking spiraling if I stop agonizing over whether or not I'm plural and just. let myself talk to the other imaginary myselves. that's one of the only things that's ever worked for taking care of myself and getting things done and when I do remember to do that it's like wow I didn't even know it was possible for a brain to be this calm. and once again I have ripped that away from myself with "actually if you don't meet this arbitrary standard then you're faking something and you shouldn't be doing that"

#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh i did this about autism when i was younger #i used to stim by waving my hands around and standing on tiptoes and stuff like that #and then at some point in elementary school i found out that those were stereotypical Autism Things #and i went “oh i shouldn't be faking autism” and ever since then i've been constantly trying to fight off #the “scratch/bite your skin off” harmful stim that replaced it #i keep doing this about gender too i'll keep trying to fit myself into a defined box of Which Gender I Am #or like deduce rules for how my genderfluidity works #and it's just an instant trip to Brainworm World for the next several however long.#my posts #task manager brain

never clarify what the fuck you're talking about. be overly verbose forever. keep elaborating until you've gone in circles so many times it becomes possible to average out a main point from the pattern. 99% of yappers quit right before they hit the one sentence with the perfect intuitive analogy that clarifies everything retroactively and for whatever your future points are.

#my posts #i have written. so many hundreds of words per sitting over the past couple of days. dear fucking goodness.#and then in addition to that there's the times i spend over an hour on a single post and my whole mindset has changed #and it makes me all disoriented and right in the danger zone for losing my grip on reality #which of course. this afternoon was prompted by me posting about the weird mental shifts when i'm writing.#posts which i made while hungry and stressed.#which of course pulled me right into an hours-long tangent of rambling about whatever the fuck was going on with the years of #identity crisis repression catastrophe #which whenever i try to write about it i can never tell what's real and what's part of the stories i told myself #because i wrote those stories to turn them into my perception of reality.#i don't know what parts are true i just know that those were the narratives i made up to keep myself alive #absolutely fucking desperate last resort type of strategy but hey what the fuck else are you supposed to do when you're a kid whose #only coping mechanism is daydreaming and you're losing hours every day staring off into space arguing with the really loud voice #in your head that hates your guts and you can't ever get it to shut up and apparently you're also living in a near-constant state of #depersonalization if the definitions i've read are correct #task manager brain

thinking about how a year and a half before I realized I'm plural I would be like yeah there's this other hot-pink-colored voice in my thoughts that starts half its sentences with "hey girl i mean they" and then I'll think at it "augh okay that is funny but can you be serious." and it'll respond something like "okay sorry bestie. i mean they"

#so i guess theo has in fact been here for a while #my posts #task manager brain #tater posts

I've started writing a to do list for the next day each night with a multicolor pen so I can use whichever ink color corresponds to whoever seems to be fronting. observations so far:

my handwriting is consistently bordering on illegible but it's fineeeeeeee bc we can read it so literally there's no reason to write neatly. write that thing as fast as possible

when I'm star skye I seem to always take the time to write neatly with every letter being recognizable to make a point about the importance of good handwriting or something :/ literally why are you doing this when have we ever had good handwriting

#my posts #task manager brain #tater posts

you know how fire changes color depending on what minerals you put in it? yeah so basically I'm kinda like-- Wh. Why am I purple now

#my posts #task manager brain #anyway to be clear this is me writing the post this way for comedic effect. i am not in fact star skye rn #tater posts #tater posts of all time

#task manager brain

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