Once home I collapsed into his arms burnt out and exhausted from recent events. It felt like everything was on pause. I had to practically beg to go home. I didn’t want to feel confined but that was the least of my worries. Life as I know it would never be the same again.The house was quiet..too quiet. It didn’t feel like it should. I feel him put one arm around the middle of my back and then his other around the back of my knees. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face next to his in an attempt to wean off the exhaustion. They had given me something to help me sleep even after I said I didn’t want it. We hadn’t even discussed what had happened and I know he’s trying to let me rest. Part of me hates him for it. I know that I don’t deserve him. I wish that he’d get angry. Not give a damn about my feelings or how exhausted I am. I wish he would care about himself instead of me for once.
We get to the bedroom and he sets me down gently onto the bed. So many memories flash through my mind, memories that have been taken. He doesn’t say a word. He just bends down and slips my shoes off and sets them next to the bed. I watch as he stands and goes to the closet and grabs one of his shirts. I stare at him as he slowly walks back towards me, avoiding eye contact. His muscles are pulled taut against his shirt, his dark locks are just a little longer and messier than normal but it’s my favorite look on him. When he’s finally back in front of me, he grabs the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head and replacing it with his own. He knows how much I love to wear his shirts. He helps me stand. He bends slightly to help me take off my sweats. I wince slightly as I step out of them. He grabs my clothes and puts them into the laundry basket. I stand still for a moment. I know he’s hurting just like I am.
I can’t stand the silence anymore. “Ryan….”
“Not now Nic. I don’t have it in me. I really just want to get some rest.”
“I know you do. But I also know that you won’t be able to sleep with everything on your mind.” I say, in an attempt to keep him talking to me.
He sighs deeply. “Like I said before I’m mad as hell. I’m so incredibly mad that you turned your back for even a second.” He turns to face me and I can see the signs that tears are forming in his eyes. “What made you turn your back? Why couldn’t you stay at home?”
Tears were forming in my own eyes. “She dropped something you got her and if she doesn’t have it then she’s upset for the rest of the day. I didn’t….I didn’t know that anything would happen. You…promised me that everything would be okay…that Sarah would be safe. Where were you?” The words escaped my lips without any second thought. They couldn’t be taken back. Shaking my head I sat on the bed. “It should have been me.”
“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! She was all excited to get to spend some time with you. I begged you to stay….for her. All she wanted was to have you here, to spend time as a FAMILY. We can’t do that now.”
“We are both tired and exhausted. We should get some sleep before we say things that we don’t mean.”
I knew that he was right but I don’t give a shit. “SO NOW YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK? I broke every rule I used to have for YOU. What was so important that you had to leave me and our daughter? If you wouldn’t have left she would still be here and I wouldn’t feel like the way I do. I NEEDED you and you weren’t here.”
“I know and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t want to go but your father insisted that I go handle the situation.” I looked at him. “What?” He shook his head as he stood in front of me. “Your father called me and said that he needed me to handle picking up a new shipment.” A myriad of thoughts ran through my head. This just added more fuel to the fire. Maybe this was just some cruel game and the price for it all was my daughter. “You mean a shipment of fake paintings?” I asked. “How do you know about that?” I could tell that he had no idea that I knew about the forgeries that were coming through the the gallery. “I know. I’ve known for weeks. I was working late and I overheard a conversation, a threat over one of the forgeries. They said if they didn’t get the real painting that Nikolai would regret it, that he would pay for it.” He looked at me not sure of what to think of what I was saying. “Sarah paid the price for that. She was just a little girl…A LITTLE GIRL RYAN!”
He bent down and attempted to put his arms around me. “NO.” The words came out of my mouth a lot harsher than I had intended. “Don’t. I didn’t mean for that to come out how it did……you should have been here Ryan.This is YOUR fault. She would be alive if you have just been here.”
