You know how in TF2 lore, Scout is canonically God’s gift to women? This makes me want an AU where Scout has some level of magical properties… but they’re so inconvenient they only just end up annoying Scout 😂
Women are subconsciously drawn to him—but only at the wrong times:
→ Mid-battle? A civilian runs up asking for directions.
→ Trying to sneak? Someone loudly recognizes him.
Any attempt to flirt gets “divinely enhanced” into something way too intense:
→ He tries a cheesy pickup line, and suddenly it sounds like a life-altering confession.
→ The other person either falls way too hard or gets overwhelmed and leaves
Scout’s “gift” also causes weird reality warps tied to attraction:
People accidentally confess secrets around him
Romantic tension literally causes environmental effects
→ Lights flicker, wind picks up, dramatic slow-mo happens
If two people are already into each other near Scout, the universe forces them into cliché situations (tripping into each other, getting locked in rooms, etc.)
Scout hates it because everyone assumes he’s doing it on purpose. 😂😂😂
And then there’s the subject with Merasmus, where it’s the only time it’s ever useful. Like:
The battlefield is already a mess.
Purple smoke curls through the air, the ground is scorched in weird geometric patterns, and something with too many legs is still twitching in the corner. In the middle of it all stands Scout—completely unharmed, bat slung over his shoulder, looking more annoyed than anything else.
Across from him, Merasmus is shaking.
“THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE,” he screeches, staff crackling with unstable magic. “No mortal can resist the arcane will of Merasmus the Magnificent!”
Scout cups his hands around his mouth. “Yeah well, you might wanna get a refund, wizard!”
From behind a rock, Engineer peeks out, eyes wide.
“Uh—hey, hoss? Maybe don’t antagonize the reality-bendin’ sorcerer—”
“CURSE OF ETERNAL AGONY!” Merasmus bellows, hurling a bolt of swirling violet energy straight at Scout.
The second it hits him—fwip—it ricochets.
The curse slams directly into Heavy.
“…I feel… uncomfortable.”
His entire body locks up as ghostly chains wrap around him, yanking him dramatically to the ground.
Scout blinks. Looks down at himself. Pats his chest.
From the ground, Heavy groans, “Why is it always me…”
“STOP DEFLECTING IT!” Demoman shouts, already halfway up a piece of cover.
“I AIN’T DOIN’ NOTHIN’!” Scout snaps back. “It just does that!”
Merasmus snarls, more furious now. “Then let us see how you fare against THIS!”
He slams his staff into the ground. “TRANSMOGRIFICATION HEX!”
A wave of green magic bursts outward, engulfing Scout—and immediately rebounds.
There’s a loud, echoing baa.
A very angry, very Scottish sheep.
“…ye’ve got tae be kiddin’ me.”
At this point, the team is in full panic.
“JUST LET IT HIT YOU!” Engineer yells.
“WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!” Scout fires back, ducking as another spell zips past him.
“Because it keeps hittin’ US!”
Another blast—this one sparkling gold—shoots toward Scout.
It hits Soldier square in the chest.
Then, suddenly, he salutes.
A choir noise echoes out of nowhere as beams of holy light shine down on him.
“…Okay that one’s kinda cool.”
“DO NOT ENCOURAGE IT!” Engineer shouts.
Merasmus is beyond reason now.
His staff is crackling, robes smoking, voice echoing like three people arguing at once.
“IF I CANNOT CURSE YOU—THEN I SHALL CURSE REALITY ITSELF!”
“PLEASE DON’T!” several mercs yell at once.
Scout points at him. “Yeah, what they said!”
A spiraling blue sigil launches toward Scout— fwip.
Engineer doesn’t even get time to duck.
The magic slams into him and—suddenly there are three Engineers.
All regretting everything.
“…well I’ll be,” says another.
“…this complicates payroll,” says the third.
They all look at each other.
Then, in perfect sync: “Which one of us is the real one?”
Scout leans over to Sniper.
“Okay that one’s actually kinda useful.”
One of the Engineers’ hard hats slowly turns into a chicken.
Merasmus roars, casting a writhing crimson curse.
Medic doesn’t even flinch when it hits him.
Instead—he’s thrilled. He should not be.
Then his grin stretches way too wide.
There’s a faint, eerie heartbeat sound.
His Medigun powers on by itself.
The others slowly back away.
“Medic?” Engineer (one of them) tries.
Medic tilts his head unnaturally.
“My organs… are singing.”
“Okay, nope, that one’s worse than the sheep.”
“Do not worry! I vill write this down later!”
Merasmus, now visibly unraveling, hurls a thin, precise bolt.
“LET US SEE YOU HIDE FROM THIS!”
Then Spy reappears—but now, every time he tries to cloak, he loudly announces it.
“BRO YOUR WHOLE THING IS RUINED—”
This is his worst nightmare.
“ENOUGH!” Merasmus howls, launching a jagged green curse.
Sniper takes the hit straight on.
He raises his rifle. A perfect shot lined up.
He fires—but the bullet curves.
A full, ridiculous arc, and hits a rock five feet to the left.
“…you’ve got to be kidding.”
The bullet loops midair like it’s sightseeing.
Scout is crying laughing now.
“Your aim got enchanted, dude!”
Sniper lowers the rifle slowly.
“…I am going to kill that wizard.”
Merasmus, now basically feral, slams both hands down.
A massive spell rockets toward Scout— fwip.
A gigantic rock materializes above them.
A small puff of smoke escapes from under the boulder.
Scout winces. Completely untouched.
“I TOLD YOU I’M NOT DOIN’ THIS!” He gestures helplessly at the disaster around him.
From under a pile of magical consequences, the team collectively groans: “STOP EXISTING LIKE THAT—”
At this point, Merasmus is on the verge of a breakdown.
“You—YOU ARE A COSMIC ERROR!”
Scout throws his hands up.
“THEN FIX IT WITHOUT BLOWIN’ UP MY FRIENDS!”
His hat is crooked. His staff is sparking wildly.
“WHY. WON’T. YOU. BE. CURSED?!”
Scout throws his hands up again.
“I DON’T KNOW! Why don’t you try NOT aiming at me?!”
“I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY A MAN-CHILD IN SHORTS!”
“THESE ARE ATHLETIC WEAR!”
Merasmus, trembling with rage, begins charging a massive, unstable spell. The air distorts. Reality bends.
Even Scout hesitates this time.
“Uh… okay, that one looks bad.”
From behind him, the team collectively yells:
“JUST DO SOMETHIN’ DIFFERENT—!”
Scout looks between them, stressed.
A blinding beam of chaotic magic tears toward him— Scout instinctively braces.
Scout slowly opens one eye.
Behind him, the team exhales in relief.
Scout frowns. “I didn’t do nothin’—”
The magic surges back, not like a reflection—but like it’s been rewritten.
It slams into Merasmus with ten times the force.
There’s a massive explosion of light.
When it clears— Merasmus is gone.
Scout looks down at his hands.
From behind him, Engineer mutters: “…I think you just grounded the spell.”
Demoman (still a sheep) sighs.
“…we are never lettin’ him near magic again.”
Scout turns, already grinning.
“Hey—so that means I’m like, important, right?”
Heavy, still stuck in ghost chains, deadpans: “No.”
