I guess when we were teenagers it was easier to be creative with so many emotions and hormones rocketing around. Life however has a nasty habit of getting in the way and with not as much free time to indulge in our creative side it falls by the wayside. Teenage angst gone and the more balanced life of an adult here what do we have to write about?
My creativity always seemed to stem from the negative aspects of my life. Fights with friends, cheating partners, mental states, self loathing for hiding parts of myself I thought were wrong. Now that I am more understanding and forgiving of myself I have less to write about. Happy was never much fun to write, even if love was there I always wrote about it with pain. I’m not sure I could have loved without pain. Pain fueled me. Pain always kept me going to the point were I begun to crave it, self destruction and sabotage were always my go to when I hated myself. Which was often.
I never thought my parents destructive relationship and later divorce affected me as much as my brother but I see now it had more of a long term effect on my psyche. It was only 5 or 6 years ago I started to really notice my poor mental health and my attitude towards relationships. Regarding them all as only temporary, as nothing really ever lasts friends and romantic relationships alike. I try harder now more then ever to make sure those feelings don’t return but it’s hard, especially now when there are decisions in my life that are so far from temporary.
It is a constant battle with myself, to allow things and people to stay permanent, for I have never really known permanency. Sure I always had my parents and brother but there was so much that was rocking the boat that I never felt truly connected to a place. Moving back and forth between houses, having to leave my pets and possessions behind, to leave the familiar and enter a world of chaos. I was so young to grasp at the chaos and hold it like it was my only way to survive the rough seas of my life. Routine is meant to be key to a growing psyche but I learnt early on that change was really the only constant.
Not much changes now what with the constancy of job and home. Something is coming though, changes that I’m not sure I really want or can handle. I feel myself losing the battle, I can feel the urge to move and change and leave growing. I feel my creative mind re-awakening like it has been in slumber for the past 6 years. I almost feel the pain. The wild, erratic girl is screaming to be set free, and little by little I let her through not really knowing why I hid her away in the first place. Fear I guess, fear of disappointing and humiliating, fear like I had known when I was small.
Maybe it’s finally time to change things up a little, the urge to move interstate grows little by little. To be away from friends and family is hard and yet the desire to be somewhere new and different is just as hard to deny but maybe just the idea of it is enough for now. Life is unpredictable and for me that is comforting, I don't know what is in store for me and I'm excited to find out...maybe I might just find my creative side again. That would make me happier then anything.
