#thelambfictive

[fictionkinfessions]

I do believe I am in love with The Goat. Which is... a pain since he is not near and anyone being him is slim, as he isn't really much more than an extension of me and my powers... Oh well

Goat if you are out there: I miss our worship

#🐏🩸🍄

(Fictive of Lamb, colt)

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[fictionkinfessions]

Canon Species

The Lamb: A Lamb, Cult of the Lamb (Fictive)

Ryuuk: Reaper, Death Note

Glados: Robot, Portal

Betelgeuse: Demon, Beetlejuice (Fictive)

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[fictive-confessions]

most shameful confession (joke I'm not ashamed of this at ALL) is that whenever i see the letters "na" next to each other or see the colors red and black, i IMMEDIATELY get tunnel vision thinking "narinder"

now. i will say. i am detached from my source. i know I'm not my source but it's also a mixed bag because it's a double whammy of being a fictive and a past life otherkin. i can appreciate narinder as a fictional character, my pseudo memories, and a past life's lover.

I'm still so obsessed with that man . still very much in love with him gah . i think my friends are tired of me talking about him LMFAO, i have literal thousands of messages just mentioning his name across several servers. not to mention all the times i talk about him but dont reference him by name.

i wonder if my narinder would be embarrassed or prideful that i still talk about him so much? he's still an object of obsession and devotion for me. i never stopped worshipping him, honestly. would he sneer at me and find it disgusting, or would it feed his ego knowing he's a plague on my mind? i have a shrine of him, I've spent so much money on him. the shrine is rather large. smaller than I'd like, but it's grown very quickly in the span of a few months.

i do still do things like light incense and candles for him. i placed a bell on the shrine too. maybe he wouldn't appreciate that, but i find it silly.

- the lamb (cult of the lamb)

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[fictive-confessions]

chanting to myself "i am not my source" to keep myself from trying to seek out other cotl fictives. the illness is getting to me i think. i don't even think anyone would miss me

it's not necessarily *wrong* to seek out sourcemates, our system just personally doesn't do it due to the safety issues attached, but i really am missing everyone. even those that hated me, even those i hated. i don't like being alone.

and i know I'm not technically alone even source wise, we have a leshy fictive who literally split to be my personal caretaker after a particularly bad episode, but. he doesn't care about our source at all. he doesn't miss anyone, doesn't have memories, it's not the connection i want. source wise, at least- we're very close and qpps otherwise.

ngl i probably don't even deserve to meet sourcemates, I've accidentally stumbled upon three different narinders and every single time i panicked and went completely silent in the server until he would leave 😭 (more flustered than anything because they always seem to front AS IM POSTING ABOUT HIM. its so embarrassing PLEASE do not perceive me)

- the lamb (cult of the lamb)

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[fictive-confessions]

being a fictive is so scary when looking at fanart. if i had a nickel for everytime a fan artist made a scarily accurate rendition of how my bedroom looked according to pseudo mems, I'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird it happened twice. HOW are they drawing my room so accurately

- the lamb 🪭 (cult of the lamb)

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[fictive-confessions]

brotherrrr i should've let narinder kill me good god. things would be so much better and streamlined if i Let him kill me instead of fighting back. i wasn't prepared to be a long term cult leader or ascend to godhood or clean up the old gods messes. i basically destroyed the natural order because i was too scared to die. even though there was literally NOTHING worth keeping my life for. "i finally built my own life" no i didnt. the cult isnt my life. none of those people cared about me, they cared about the leader persona i put on, they cared about their idolized version of me. not me. i was alone. and i love ratau but he wasnt enough.

if i let narinder kill me, he would be a free god. he already has thousands of years of experience running a cult. the natural order wouldn't be so destroyed. he would probably set aside a nice place in the afterlife for me idk. or consume my soul so i would cease to exist which doesnt sound that bad either. narinder wouldve been so much better than me.

maybe i wouldnt exist in the system if i gave up my life. idk. farfetched but a possibility. i dont like it here either. i was overworked in the cult but at least i had cool magic. here im disabled, more alone than ever, and probably going to lead a hellish life until i die painfully on the streets!

dearly apologizing for being so negative here ❤️ sometimes i just need to get it out. i can go back to being the happy and confident leader everyone wants me to be now.

- the lamb (cult of the lamb)

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[fictive-confessions]

I know i shouldn't connect my personal feelings to my source self (as a transmasc agender) because I'm just a fictive but it makes me so viscerally uncomfortable when people genderswap me or make yuri narilamb and then make me a woman, given I'm nonbinary in canon

it just makes me feel like no one sees nb folk as Actually nb and its just "gender lite". like no. if narinder and i were yuri, i would still be a woman, because nb folk can be lesbians. you dont have to erase nb rep for lesbian rep

and then i bring this up and people are all "oh its the frisk argument all over again" but I USE THEY/THEM. the creators of the game SAY IM NONBINARY. you wouldn't say that about shamura but its okay with me because im the main character and therefore you can project on me!

i dont have a problem with genderswap!! i think the narilamb yuri stuff is cute!! but i have to block the tags anyways because people dont wanna acknowledge im NOT A GUY. OR A GIRL.

- the lamb (cult of the lamb)

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[fictive-confessions]

i love having friends with different sources because when we talk about our sources interactions it makes it really funny. yeah I'm friends with elphaba from wicked! me, narinder, her, and glinda go on a double date

she invites narinder and i for a picnic and glinda's all looking at her like "THESE are the people you're protecting from the wizard?" /silly

- the lamb (cult of the lamb)

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