August 27th, 2024
The giving in
I woke up with the memory of a feeling of a woman cuddling her back very intensely against the front of me, like a male Angler fish attempting to become one with his female of choosing. It was sweet. This dream was one for the books, one for a shaving scene. I had come across a couple of people who had warned me of a Boogey man of sorts that was near and they were covered in make up, ready and determined to deceive the boogey man. I learned that there was only two ways about it; I could come face to face with this Boogey man or I could deceive it. The idea of him catching on to my deceit was enough to know I was amongst the wrong crowd and quickly found my way away from these folk. I knew I must face him. The time came that I was in a room amongst many other people and he arrived, a bald middle aged white man, angrily barged through the open door, shooting his hand guns in the air. Then he pointed his hand guns at 2 or 3 different people and shot them dead where they stood. As he came across other people, he met them with peace and gave them a moment of divine peaceful energy and left them with something at their feet. When he came to me, I was nervous, but he stood at me, all knowing, his arms on my shoulders and for a moment, I felt peace. He carried on swiftly and I looked down. At my feet was a rectangular piece of plastic, the shape and size of a dollar bill. Bulging within the plastic was a design in red gel. It appeared to be the outline of a mountain, which then made a smaller, less jagged mountain within it. I knew immediately that this was the Devil who had come to tell us what would be the death of us. I make mountains out of mole hills.
I found him alone and went to talk to him about it, as he sat there, he was just a man. Approachable, no longer angry. I told him what I thought about my message and asked him if that was what he meant. He asked me what the symbol was and I drew it for him. He said, "ah." I responded by saying, "I can get it for you…" and I darted across the room. When I got back he was dissipating into the air and the message in my hand was nothing but plastic, not enough an outline to guide me.
The messages come in so clear and loud. Then the ego comes back, kindly asking for the wheel back, and we look out the window wondering why those mountains felt so familiar.
I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. There at the trampoline park with my two kids, I had two daquiris over the course of two hours, thinking if I stayed 3 hours that would be plenty of time. As I had often calculated this logic before and it worked plenty well enough in the past. I was hot, I felt out of myself, I felt dizzy, I certainly could have drank more water today, if any… and I, for the first time in my life, thought I might actually be having a heart attack. I breathed deeply and continued to casually chase my kids through the trampoline park. If I died there… what would come of me, my children, my belongings… it was not my time and I didn't believe it was my time, but with Ken Crimmins' death lingering in my heart and the tear soaked cheeks of his wife in my mind, I was certain that life was not promised. Not for Ken, not for Bryan, not for Mumzee, not for my Aunt Tamy, my step dad Boots, my brother Ricky and certainly, not for a 34 year old me. A human on this planet with the same fate as the rest of us. We don't make it out alive.
Later, after watching Damsel, a pleasure to my husband who had been waiting at least a week for me to cave into a movie, I came back into the RV from the house, the baby crying and the two men in a standstill. Both of them staring intensely at one another, unwilling to budge from the hypothetical 3 foot hole they were both standing in. Eventually Banjo apologized to a silent Jethro and climbed out of the hole he helped dig and disappeared for what felt like an hour. Jethro finally popped his head out from his bed space that lay under ours and I casually, sweetly and calmly told him that one day he would understand that the possession of material items will one day no longer be a concern and that his relationship with his little sister will be the biggest treasure of them all. That "his" necklace around her neck will be something he loves… that I strive to have much less and look forward to just that, because it is all so much a burden now. One day that necklace might belong to someone because we have all left this world, we can only hope that we lived our lives fully, instead of fighting over such things as these possessions. He stared like a deer in headlights. For the first time I didn't judge. I didn't assume I knew what he was thinking. I didn't feel as though he wasn't listening or doing something wrong. I noticed he was still in his day clothes and I didn't tell him to get out of them before going to sleep. I just went to hug him and for the first time in a long time, I let him hug me until he went slack, letting me know he was done with his hug. I shut off the lights and lay down. Not a minute later, 7 fingers popped up and I could barely see them in the glow of Jazzlyn's GlowWorm's guts, Guts we call it. As I come upon the 7 fingers I recognize he is wanting me to wake him up at 7 so he doesn't miss his cartoons. I greet his 2 with the tips of my peace sign and say, "I'll wake you up at 7." His hand stays up and I meet it with mine.
While Jazzlyn nursed and caressed my torso under the glow of guts, her fairy lights from her nook twinkle in the distance enough for me to fully take in my surroundings, and Jethro's hand falls for the 2nd of 3 times before he finally had enough weight about him to take him to another world, I am reminded of something Uncle David said in an interview with Staeci Whitehouse. "We live in this practice life, preparing for real life, then we are living in real life, and we realize there was never really a transition between the two lives, and it was all just the same life." I think I'm ready to live in real life now and stop trying to create some life of fantasy, I'm already living a fantasy. I can be happy now.
Tomorrow, I will drink more water and take more deep breaths.
