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── .✦ MENTAL HEALTH THINGS

today was therapy day, it went well per usual ( i luv my therapist sm <33 ) but i got a bit emotional unexpectedly >.< because im in the process of trying to enlist proper boundaries w my mother because she has a tendency to dump/vent to me and with me unfortunately being the parentified daughter all my life its triggering and can be hard for me to differentiate the two.

its frustrating how im already preparing for all the rebuttals, invalidations n just trying to protect my feelings in general because it is SO HARD for me to be vulnerable w my mom fully cus shes said it herself "im not a nurturing parent" i hate that i had selfish parents who made selfish decisions and SURPRISINGLY i turned out to be the complete opposite of that- my therapist says she feels for me, n cares for my wellbeing n wants me to prosper in life *cries* she hates that i had to go through these things.

anywho, me n my therapist are going to work/practice on it <33 so i wont stress out too much on it; as for my brothers self harm attempt **TW** thats out of my control n i hope hes okay, i tell my grandma mostly everything and shes like my bestfriend but i jst wanna move on from this and not worry her to death (he is fine and stabilized) she already struggles with high blood pressure as is.

- quick side note - i had to complete an ROI (a.k.a release of information) so that my psychiatrist can speak to my mom about how important it is to complete these observer forms so that i can receive my results. I like to keep my mental health private to my family bcus they just dont get it ;/ also my mom told me yesterday that she never wanted to do it again because it took too long, so hopefully a DOCTOR can get through to her because im hitting way too many roadblocks...

i cant wait for our casino girls trip next weekend !!!! ^w^ (hopefully) but my grandma is still planning it out. these are always emotionally heavy days for me so theres lot more for me to process/journal about because its alot for me to heal from ୨ৎ

therapy went well today! my therapist said she was so proud~ I'm making progress!! and through talking about some stuff with her, I found out a lot of me actually makes sense~ °ʚ(*´꒳`*)ɞ°

#me #self #selfie #therapy day #therapy #mental health #mental illness #life #journal

It just occurred to me now at 12:22am, as I stared at my bedroom walls all covered in stray kids posters why they are there now when I am 33 and not 20 years ago when I was a teenager. I was so busy then, masking, mirroring, cloning. I was so busy examining others and reflecting the parts of them I most loved, that I thought made them cool and would therefore make me cool and lovable. There was no room inside me for, well, me. Then, when all my friends were becoming them, I was collecting all the parts of them I thought would make them want to stay. I never hung posters then, or decorated my own spaces. I kept my room just so, and filled with the bits and pieces of the people I'd loved and collected. The parts of them I'd cut out like magazine pictures and pasted onto my shell like paper mache. I never loved a thing so genuinely that I wanted to fill my space up with it. So when I finally now at 33, have discovered what Autism means for me and what it gave to me and tool from me. I realise that I never learned to be me. Never discovered who I was. And now, burned out and recovering at 33. My walls are covered with posters from a band 16 year old me would have never dreamed of listening to. Not because I wouldn't have liked it, but because the people I loved ridiculed the genre. Now. Now I can see a thing that I love that comes from me. Because I love it. It's not a reflection for once. And it gives me hope that maybe I'm getting a glimpse of me.

I fucked up and bumped the poll button and I'm too tired to work out how to get rid of it and it won't let me post without filling the fucker in...

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Voting ended onOct 9, 2024