#therapy rants

[gingeralethots]

Happiness is arguably subjective with variances in levels depending on the season of life. 

My therapist says I haven’t been happy. I don’t know if I believe her. I don’t know if I want to believe her, or consider the idea for that matter.

 I know a lot of my life has been a lie, and I know, looking back on it that it wasn’t good, that if I had been fully aware of what was happening, if I hadn’t been brainwashed by a cult and abusers from such an early age, I would’ve known it wasn’t happiness. But to hear “you’ve never known happiness”...I want to believe I was happy in the moment, even if I know I wasn’t know, I’d like to believe what I thought I was feeling in the moment was happiness. And maybe that’s more what she was getting at, just because I didn’t know then it wasn’t happiness doesn’t mean that it was any less real. Okay no that really solidifies that my life was centered on a lie.

I feel like I got better to be sent back 10 years. 20 even. 

It scares me because she’s right. 

Happiness isn’t something someone like me could risk. You live your life being told you won’t be happy in this life, only in the next, all you gotta do is survive this one first. I haven’t lived my life in a way for enjoyment, because that was sinful. The eat, drink, and be merry what not scripture comes to mind. 

That great and spacious building I was taught to fear, it’s my home now. And it’s overwhelming but I’m not walking back towards some glow in the dark tree.   

[frenchfrysword]

I really don’t know what to text to my therapist. We haven’t had a therapy session in over two months. I don’t know what they can even do for me now, teletherapy doesn’t work at all for me. I need help getting through peaks of emotion. I can handle them on my own, but by the time the peak has passed, I’m exhausted and can’t fight much more. But even if I text my therapist at a peak, he only responds hours later, when multiple meals have already been ruined by behaviors.

[felis-the-complex-multiple]

So one of our really cult-affected parts wrote our therapist an email this week sharing some of her experiences with cult programming stuff and the things she feels controlled by. And T...sigh...her response...just...well. Kind of triggered mass chaos. I mean. I don’t super blame T. This part knew she was risking backlash from parts dedicated to preserving cult programming, so some of the internal response was fairly predictable. Those parts flipped out, the trauma-avoidant parts flipped out, everyone was flipping out. 

But T’s email just seemed like...really heavy on the push back? I know it’s hard to tell tone over email but ugh. At one point she said, “I do want to point out that it doesn’t sound like reality.” T. We KNOW. We know it sounds cr*zy, we know it’s super ridiculous, we know it’s far fetched. WE KNOW. You can’t use LOGIC to address this.

And she like sandwiched that comment in-between tons of validation and reassurance, but these little comments just kind of completely negated everything else she said. The “it doesn’t sound like reality” line made email-writer completely shut down in the shame/blame cycle of  “you’re right, it doesn’t sound like reality, I’m so bad and st*pid for believing and being controlled by something so ridiculous, this is my fault, of course these things wouldn’t actually happen, I should know better.” :(((((((((((((

T also asked, “these teachings -- do they come from God or do they come from [cult leader]?” I’m pretty sure that was just T being curious about the system’s perception, but to that part it felt like...a challenge? Which felt SO SO SCARY and confrontational to her. And again, like she was so bad. 

I’m just frustrated with T for not taking this more gently. I drafted up an email to send back basically saying all this to her, but ugh. I want T to understand that this isn’t stuff that those programmed parts can just...turn off. They can’t just be reasoned out of it. You can’t just present evidence and be like, “have you considered this other thing?” I dunno...maybe she wants to push back enough to start chipping away at the foundation of the indoctrinated beliefs, but ummm I’m gonna need her to chip more slowly. 

[adoptively]

everything went to hell in a handbasket in therapy today

i've been off my meds since february. all of them. i just kind of went cold turkey, and i know that's not what you're supposed to do or is healthy and i really do not encourage this behavior but i did it, i've been doing stuff like that for years. and this is the first time going off my meds hasn't ended in a major meltdown. 

for months. i have had my shit together, more or less. i get sad sometimes, but i use my skills a lot more than i used to, and following those skills usually alleviates the sadness because i'm dealing with the issue.

anyways, one of my "values" or w/e is to not be on meds. i had to come clean to both my parents about how i haven't been taking them and surprisingly, they were ok. they're more than ok, saying things like "you're 22, you know yourself best, we support you," great shit like that. 

but then, i had to tell my therapist about how i hadn't been totally honest with her for like months. and then i wasn't completely honest with her at all, i only told her i had stopped taking one of the meds completely and took the other one only very infrequently.

and she got all mad, and i understand that. but she's making me get in touch with my old psychiatrist who I absolutely hate to help me "taper off" the medicine but i'm not even ON any medicine in the first place so its essentially a waste of money (like $250/hr) for a service I neither need nor want. 

[lenkagamine133]

Oliver is starting to get pissed cause yesterday was the third appointment I've missed with him. 

Well maybe if you stopped trying to do it on days I have class or the night before class this wouldn't be a problem bro. >.<

I love talking to you, I love that you are the only person I can talk to about over half the shit we do talk about and you are very helpful and also very thankful for that, but seriously, we need a better schedule that we both can stick with, especially if you are serious about the once a week thing (even though I hate the once a week thing.)

i don't having therapy but it is helpful. 

[myshrinkanditalkaboutlove]

Mental illness is not me playing "hard to get"

If I tell you I can't date you because I CAN NOT handle a relationship (especially more than once) I'm saying it because I care about you as a human being and I don't want to hurt you Please don't take that as me playing "hard to get" and then get upset when it turns out it was not an elaborate ploy to make you fall for me. Because it really hurts that you won't talk to me. Because you used to smile at my jokes and laugh with me And I miss your friendship And I'm sorry that you didn't listen to me months ago.