#things conservative

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

A Call From Above

Michele Bachmann said sunday that she's feeling the call from God to run for Pres.

Bitches: Lizzie dudn't go for this shit.

I could get my tirade on, but I was gittin' my Emily Rooney on this morning, and a very smart Boston pundit said he's always distrustful of anyone who says God is calling on their asses (my words) to do something that is completely self-serving.

Couldna said it better myself. (Aside from using the word "asses" in their.")

Ms. Bachmann: God aint callin' you to get your politics on, anymore than he's callin' some hooker to win an academy award or a world series ring. You're runnin' cuz you wanna run, cuz you wanna get your time in the spotlight, and maybe you even actually wanna help people (which you can't do by cutting funding for women's health and standing in the way of homos who are citizens of this country and anyone who doesn't agree can EAT ME). 

Let's call things what they are, Ms. Bachmann, Mr. Huckabee, Mr. Beck, Mr. or Ms. Anyone-Else-Who-Says-They're-Ordained-By-God-to-Be-on-TV-or-a-Sports-Team-Or-Anything-Else-That-Doesn't-Really-Matter-at-the-End-of-the-Day. Jesus don't play dat. 

Jesus in particular dudn't go for haters and bigots who would take food out of the mouths of the babies of single mommas. 

Jesus dund't go for people who stand in the way of love, or who would prevent a woman from getting an AIDS test, or, yes, who stand in the way of stopping unwanted children from coming into a world where there's too many people already and not enough food and the strong possibility that the children born today will have to ration grass to feed THEIR kids in the future. 

So, Ms. Bachmann--think we can take God outta the question. Cuz, actually, I'm up here with Ms. God, and she aint tryina hear your particular line of bull.

Just sayin.

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn't black and white, good and bad, and you try to do the right thing, You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it, I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take the job and shove it. I come from a blue-collar background. I'm trying to do the right thing, and that's where I'm going with this.

New York Republican State Senator Roy McDonald on why he's voting for gay marriage in New York. Momma likes!

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Everything's the Worst

So, I dunno about y'all, but sometimes I just get sick of smart liberals.

Not that, ya know, I prefer the alternative...

But I was reading the Times this week, and there was a piece by Michael Friedman about global warming, and I'm like, "yeah, ok bitch, we're all gonna die, we get it; everything's getting worse, and we're all too fat and lazy and stupid and consumer-obsessed, and we eat the wrong things, and blah blah blah and whatever and OMGWTF OMGF FML." (Well . . . , we're not all gonna die; I already got my dead on, but you're all gonna die, and that just makes me so sad for you. Though you'll get to spend more time with Momma B in person, and that can't be all bad.)

Anyhoozins, point is: a) these folks are preaching to the choir; b) what the fuck do we do about it?

Nobody seems to be able to answer that question, and probably that's cuz none 'a you gots any answers, and, given how everything's the worst, I can see why......

But one thing that won't work: preaching to the liberal elite lame-stream media that reads the NYT.

Why has no one found a way to preach the gospel of OMG WTF FML to lazy, docile, conservatives?

Like, for example, start telling them that if they don't wake the fuck up, they're gonna hafta pay three times as much for their 74-ounce colas and the dollar menu at Mickey D's is gonna go buh-byezins. 

Or, like, find a way to pull out some Jesus shit. Right?

Like how pissing all over the planet is probably not the best way to make God wanna letcha into Heaven? Like God isn't all "OMG WTF FML" watching what's happening to the Earf??

OK, momma knows it's harder than that--but seriously. Instead of nicely-worded editorials in the Times, can we seriously stop talking and start doing? Cuz Lizzie likes blogging wit allayall, and she don't need to cataclysm to get in her way.

Aright?

Later.

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

The midnight ride of… Who?

Hi kiddies,

Momma  Borden  here with ya.  How is everyone’s Saturday?

Mine is lovely, thank you for asking.

By now, everyone on the Internet is talking about Sarah Palin and her stupid take on American history.

Now, kids:  you all know how much I love to get my make fun of Sarah Palin on. Obviously she is stupid as shit.   What the hell was she even trying to say?

But kids, there’s something we gotta talk about.  Now, you all know that I don’t like to lecture people.

(Actually you know that’s a lie: I looooove to get my lecture on.)

But, the fact is babies, most of America is wrong when it comes to Paul Revere. That bitch is famous—but there wasn’t a midnight ride of Paul Revere. At least, he never finished it, because the British captured his silver-making ass.

Samuel Prescott was, in fact, the one who said “the British are coming, the British are coming.”

Isn’t it funny how history pins things on people that they didn’t actually do?

Midnight rides.

Quotes.

Murders…

But I thought it might be fun to learn a little bit about Samuel Prescott.

Samuel Prescott was a doctor born in 1751 Concord Massachusetts.  On the evening of April 18, 1775, Dr. Prescott was returning home to Concord when he ran into Paul Revere and William Dawes–who are on their way to warn everyone that the British were coming!

As they rode, four British horsemen caught them—and took Paul Revere into custody—Samuel Prescott and William Dawes escaped. (Daws and Prescott separated will, and Daws got waylaid and by the time he was free, Prescott already alerted his neighbors.) By the time Prescott made the warning, there are countless farmers and others out there ringing bells, firing cannon, and everyone knew what was about to happen.

And all of this by the way happened in Concord—not  Boston.

Now isn’t that just fascinating?  Don’t you just want to pee over the place?

(And isn’t it interesting how the tea party likes to constantly refer to the goals, dreams, and actions of the founding fathers–making a fetish out of them, practically–without actually knowing what most of them did. Weird.)

But Momma Borden knows, babies.  And she is here to tell you all about it.

Werq!

Talk soon kiddies!

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

Romney: Sleazy and Gross

I know, I know: "Lizzie stop reading the HuffPo." I can't help it, kids... 'specially when I see shit like this.

Mitt Romney, who was governor of my home state for reasons I cannot begin to understand, campaigning in Chicago, had a little pizza for lunch... and he sent the leftovers to the Barack Obama campaign office!

Isn't that just sleazy? 

He's so sleazy and gross. HE'S GROSS!

Like, that's just straight-up disrespectful. Ya know? An' am I crazy, or is there somethin' just racist about a rich white dude saying that to our black president: "Here, peasant. Eat my leftover pizza. Because I know you can't afford your own" Cuz that's how it reads to me. Smug and racist and GROSS! HE'S SO GROSS! He's like the creepy old dude with the creepy grin and the hair, who's all "come here, little boy. I've got some candy for ya. Ha ha ha ha." BLECHHH!

Then, get this, then: he says he likes Obama, but Mr. President just don't got the leadership experience.

BITCH: He just spent three years in the White House, how much more leadership experience you need? You can only get another four years' worth of experience up in that manse, you know what I'm sayin'? Romney got all kindsa leadership experience here in Massachusetts, an' he still came up with the same healthcare plan it took Barack Obama & co. three weeks to get. 

Mitt Romney: EASY PEASY WET AND SLEAZY.

Wurk it out, Mitt Romney. You're gross. 

And sleazy.

(Mitt Romney. Gross.)

(And sleazy.)

(And gross.)

[lizziebordenisabitch-blog]

A funhouse mirror

Michele Bachman said yesterday that she and Sarah Palin are not interchangeable.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AHAH.

AH...

HAHH....

ahhh.

Sorry about that. 

Wait hold up one sec:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaah

OK. Think I'm good.

Wait--

No, yeah, I'm good.

All right, kiddies, let's be frank: I isn't being fair witcha, and if I'm gonna get my blog on, it's probably a good thing that I'm fair. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman are not interchangeable. I believe (and I can't believe I'm saying this), I believe--hold up, got some acid reflux coming up in my throat--I actually believe that Michele Bachman wants to make America better. BLEAAAEEEEEEEEECHH! I know, but I think she's earnest. THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE THE FACT THAT SHE'S NUTS AND EVIL, but she's earnest. Palin is just in it for the money, honey. So... there's once difference. 

Other differences:

-Sarah Palin often wears her hair up; Bachman often wears her hair down.

-Sarah Palin wears glasses; Bachman does not wear glasses (though she probably should).

-Tiny Fey does not impersonate Michele Bachman on TV or anywhere else.

-Michele Bachman is, ya know, an elected official; Sarah Palin is... Um.... Sarah Palin is. (Like buddhists say "suffering is.")

-Bachman enjoys red suit jackets; Palin prefers earth tones.

-Bachman is from MN; Palin is from AK

-Um . . . Bachman's last name is Bachman; Palin's last name is Palin.

-Oh: Bachman's first name is Michele; Palin's first name is Sarah . . . 

. . . or is it the other way around . . . 

Now I'm confused.

But they are not . . . not the same person.

OK?

Take that, Huffington Post!

These two ladies are not the same.

.