A/N: I kind of love writing these characters? tsm for the love on the original I’m glad I got to dive back into their story again. I’m starting a taglist so if you’d like to be on it give me a shout :)
Part 1 / 2 / 3 /
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Harry rushes out of the toilets so he doesn’t miss the opening scene and nearly crashes into someone standing around the corner.
“Sorry!” He says as he tries to rush on by.
“Harry!?” The person calls his name.
He stops in his tracks and takes a look at who he just bumped into. And of course, it would be her.
“YN,” he swallows the lump forming in his throat. “Hi-uh what are you doing here?”
“Watching a movie?” She raises a brow. Still the same attitude as before.
“Oh! Right. Yeah. Me too-“
“Which movie are you here for?”
“The Planet of the Apes reruns,” Harry points to the door he so badly wants to walk through. As much as he wanted to stand here and talk to YN, have her attention all to himself, he wanted to watch the movie he came here for more.
“Well I’m here for that new romcom but Raina ditched me to go to that riverbank bonfire bullshit everyone’s talking about. But I hate smelling like campfire afterwards plus I already bought popcorn-“
“Didn’t that movie start 15 minutes ago?” Harry notices she’s standing in front of the poster. Why was she hovering outside?
“Well yeah because I’m wondering if I should be the loser inside watching a romcom by herself.”
Harry doesn’t know if he should be offended—he regularly watched movies by himself during the summer when he had nothing else to do. But then he realizes YN and her opinions weren’t something he took offence to ever since he put down his intellectually superior flag.
“Well I’m here with Caleb if you want to-“
“Bloody hell I was waiting for you to get the hint,” she brushes past Harry and he trails behind, confused.
“You wanted to watch Planet of the Apes?”
“No! I just didn’t want to watch a movie by myself. And you were supposed to invite me.”
“Oh,” these were the social rules Harry often missed. It was sort of nice having YN spell it out for him. “You could have just said-“
“Shh,” she shushes him as they enter the theatre.
Harry was pleased at the way Caleb’s eyes bugged out of his head at the sight of YN.
“I thought you were going to the toilet?” He whispers loudly.
“I was but she-“ Harry cuts off as someone in front turns around with a dirty look. The movie hadn’t even started.
YN sits beside Harry and begins snacking on her popcorn. She hogs the armrest and he lets her, and when she pulls out her sweets and offers it to Harry and his friend they end up swapping most of their snacks. Despite being distracted at first he has a really fun time with the two of them.
Outside in the lobby after the movie is done, YN hesitates after throwing out her trash. It looks like she was wondering if she should stick around or not.
“Thanks,” she finally tells Harry. “Let’s not do this again though.”
“You joined us,” Harry reminds her. She eyes both him and Caleb.
“Yeah, exactly?” She says with a hand on her hip.
“I’m j’saying we weren’t the ones ditched here,” Harry says before he could stop himself. Her pleasant expression falls and Harry can see Caleb concentrate on something far away. Coward.
“Firstly I was invited to join the party but like I said I don’t like smelling like campfire. Secondly, just cuz I told you I was ditched doesn’t make you-“
“Um, I gotta go.” Caleb pipes in from behind. Both Harry and YN turn to him and he almost shrinks. “My ride is here um…”
“See ya later,” Harry cups his hand and Caleb bolts out faster than a cat seeing a dog.
“You were saying?” Harry turns back to YN.
“Look,” she points to the other theatre, the one she’d been standing in front of when Harry bumped into her. “The next showing starts in a bit.”
Harry stares, trying to figure out what she was asking.
“We could watch it?”
“I thought we shouldn’t do this again?”
“Shut up,” she starts walking away.
“Isn’t this illegal?” Harry catches up to her. “I don’t even want to watch this movie.”
“Actually you do,” she grabs his arm and pulls him up the stairs even though he’s following her anyway. Harry tries not to focus on the exact part of his arm she’s touching but it feels warmer than usual. “And secondly nobody is going to kick us out. It doesn’t even matter, do something illegal once in a while.”
Harry follows along with her and they end up having a lot more fun at the second movie. He actually finds it funny and it reminds him of watching these during the holidays with his sister and mum. YN leans her head on his shoulder during an emotional scene and Harry feels like he’s made of clay until she takes it off and laughs at the next scene.
“You had fun, admit it!” YN says as they walk out of the theatre. It was close to midnight now and Harry was planning on walking home.
“Maybe!” Harry doesn’t.
“Liar,” she skips ahead of him. “Secretly you thought my romcom was a lot cooler than your Ape movie.”
“Planet of the Apes, and you enjoyed that one.”
“I’m not denying it,” she shrugs. “C’mon I know you’ve got a sister don’t you watch romcoms with her?”
Harry seems disturbed by the idea, “Not that sort. We watch holiday ones during Christmas but-“
“Oh my god like the Holiday?”
“Yeah I’ve seen that a billion times. And there’s one with Keira Knightley-“
“Oh I bet there is,” she nudges him and Harry blushes. “She does seem your type.”
“Yeah and you probably love Jude Law in The Holiday.”
“Well yeah he’s alright,” she pouts her mouth and doesn’t finish her sentence.
“No way,” Harry laughs. “It’s not Jude Law.”
“You know who’s peng? Tom Hardy. There’s a man I’d watch in a romcom over and over.”
“What?” Harry didn’t know who that was but now he was curious.
“Yeah. You should look him up. Anyway, my ride’s gonna be here any minute so I’m staying here.”
“Oh. Yeah right.” Harry thought they were walking home together but she stays near the closest bus shelter. “Well bye.”
“Bye,” she waves him off.
He doesn’t think he’d see her again that summer. But the next morning she sends him a text saying it was fun and he should come over some time to broaden his romcom education. He thinks she’s joking but the following Tuesday she shows up at his house with DVDs and Percys and although Harry’s mum is surprised to see a girl friend at the house, she orders them pizza and his family gives him the den all to themselves.
After watching two movies back to back and feeling sick from all the junk they’ve consumed they lay on the floor. As evening falls through the wispy curtains of his front window Harry asks YN about her summer and uni. She’s cagey and likes to turn questions around on him but it’s nice talking to her like that with most of her guard down. It almost feels like they’re friends.
***
YN shows up at Harry’s house after dinner. His butt is glued down on his sofa ready to settle into a night of playing video games but the ringing at the door interrupts him.
“Harry!” His sister calls out from somewhere. He was closest to the door and on his way there he peeks through the curtains of the den to see a familiar head of hair. In a cap.
“Hey!” She walks right in.
“Hey…” Harry looks at her get-up: a tanktop and gauzy skirt paired with the trainers she always wore.
“Oh YN,” Harry’s mum pokes her head down from the staircase. “You haven’t been around in a while how are things?”
“Hi Mrs. Styles.” YN was always the perfect angel in front of his parents but his mum was right, it had been a couple weeks since she came by. “I’m good! I’ve been working a few shifts at the shop I do summers at. I had the day off I’m trying to convince Harry to come out with me.”
She was, Harry thought. And she had a summer job?
He’s reminded that no matter how much closer they got, she was always somewhat of a mystery.
“Oh where are you heading out?” Harry’s mum walks down a few steps and sits down.
“There’s a get-together of some of our school friends. Harry never shows up to these things so-“
“Harry,” his mum joins in. “You should go!”
“I never even said no, jeez!” Harry grows flustered.
“But he was totally going to,” YN says to his mum. She laughs and Harry feels peer-pressured.
“Fine! I’ll go.”
“Well be safe,” his mum gets back up. “Make good decisions.”
Harry glares at YN when his mum clears the area and she smiles sweetly back at him.
“Oops.”
“For the record I don’t want to go.”
“Exactly,” she smiles. “Now where’s your room we need to put you in something better than that.”
He was in very comfortable sweatpants and a tee. By the time he was leaving he was in was a short sleeved button-up layered over the same tee and shorts he didn’t even know he owned. She’d forced him to take his glasses off and wear contacts then ruffled his hear with gel and she’d been so close every one of Harry’s senses had been hyper-tuned to her. YN had been oblivious.
“I can’t find my phone,” Harry pats his pockets down as they go downstairs.
“Just leave without it! We’re gonna be late!”
“Can you just call it?” Harry’s halfway up the steps. “I can’t leave without it.”
YN rolls her eyes and calls it. It rings from the den and she walks towards it.
“Seriously?” She walks back out. “You never changed my name?”
Future Prime Minister YN with a heart. It had stayed the same since their group project.
“I guess not,” Harry suddenly feels even more self conscious.
“You can keep the heart,” she goes into his contacts after holding his phone up to his face.
“Hey I never said you could go in!”
“Shush!” She smirks as she updates her name. “There.”
“You don’t want to change the photo?” Harry asks and sighs at her new name: HRH 💖
“No time. Let’s go!” She pushes him out the door.
“I’m going I’m going!” Harry closes the door behind him and they set off down the road.
“You’re so lucky your mum’s so chill,” YN says as they walk.
“Where are we going?” Harry asks.
“My mum thinks I’m at Raina’s watching movies or some shite. Your mum actually like, encouraged you to go out. She didn’t even give you a curfew.”
“Well I never do this,” Harry replies. “What is this anyway.”
“Another bonfire-“
“Does Raina do those like every week?” Harry remembered something about this that night they bumped into each other at the cinema.
“No,” YN says, offended that he would criticize her friend in any way. “The guy she’s seeing right now knows a guy. They do them like a couple times a month. If they did it every week don’t you think someone would catch on?”
Harry shrugs.
“Anyway, you have a decent closet why do you always dress so…boring?”
“I don’t dress boring,” Harry shoves his hand into his pockets. “I’m just comfortable.”
“I’m comfortable,” she points out.
Harry eyes her outfit again, she looked nice and her legs looked particularly nice in the skirt. Harry looks up in the silence he’d just created to find YN staring at him with a raised brow.
“Had a good look?” She punches his arm.
“Ow,” Harry rubs his arm but he deserved it. He’d been oggling. But ever since she’d gotten into his face to run her gelled fingers through his hair, and the cloud of her shampoo or perfume whatever it was closed in around him he’s having a hard time not glancing at her every opportunity.
“Have you got anyone you’re seeing?” Harry asks.
“Nope,” she pops her p. “With uni starting I didn’t really want to let a guy distract me and fuck with my feelings.”
“Wow,” it slips out of Harry’s mouth.
“What?” She narrows her eyes. “And we’re going right here.”
They turn the corner and she asks Harry again what his reaction meant.
“Nothing. I’m just surprised you’re not having a summer fling or something.”
“God Harry, do you think I just date boys to get off or something? I’ve barely had a boyfriend-“
She cuts herself off.
“What?” Harry missed what happened.
“Nothing.”
“Aw c’mon you can’t say ‘nothing’ now,” Harry pushes. After knowing YN this long, she was still scary, but he’d learned where and how to poke at her to get more answers without getting his head bitten off. “You’ve dated plenty of guys.”
“For someone with his nose in a book all the time you claim to know a lot about who I’m dating.”
“It’s hard not to miss what everyone’s talking about.”
“So you believe all the rumours? In that case it’s probably true you cried your first time.”
“What?!” Harry flushes. “Who said that?”
“But rumours are true right?”
“Fine. You just always had one of the football blokes nearby I just-“
“So you just thought I dated the whole team?”
Fuck, Harry realizes he’d screwed up when she starts to speed walk away. He’d spoken before thinking about what it might sound like from her end.
She starts to walk ahead and Harry fastens his pace to catch up. He reaches out and clasps her shoulder. “YN wait I’m sorry. I didn’t think-“
“Whatever,” she brushes his hand off.
He felt awful. He tries again, grabbing her arm this time and she comes to a stop.
“I’m sorry!” He says again. “Just forget I said anything.”
He’s surprised to see her teary eyes when she turns to him.
“What?” She snaps. “Never seen a girl cry before?”
“No I just—I didn’t mean to make you cry-“
“Oh you didn’t make my cry don’t worry,” she huffs. “I just hate how everyone in school always judges me based on their own fucking insecurities.”
Harry pauses, it was true. And he knew YN was only as cutting as she was so she could be taken seriously—so nobody would walk all over her just because she was a girl. He shouldn’t have made that comment, he knew that. He knew better but apparently he still had things to learn.
“I shouldn’t have judged you like that,” Harry mumbles. “I knew better.”
Her mouth parts slightly, YN wasn’t expecting Harry to say a combination of words that actually sounded better than an apology. She forgives him, but she doesn’t let him know.
“Well…you can make it up to me.” YN threads her arm through Harry’s. At first he doesn’t quite know what to do—despite their budding friendship YN rarely showed any affection or even friendliness in public. This was different.
“How? That sounds a bit sinister.”
“You’re going to get drunk with me. I’ve never seen you drunk before, and I want to be able to have embarrassing pictures of you to use next time you make me upset.”
“No way!” Harry unthreads his hand, regretting the decision a little.
“So you’re just gonna go to a party and watch everyone else drink? Your mum would be disappointed!”
“Trust me my mum doesn’t want me to get drunk,” Harry corrects her. “And I don’t drink for a reason. It really doesn’t take much to get tipsy.”
“Really?” YN eyes him. “But you’re tall.”
Harry shrugs, suddenly his heart thuds in his chest as he catches sight of the smoke of the bonfire. This was real—he was actually going to a class party with YN as his company. He had no friends there. This wasn’t his scene. What was he thinking?
“Have we got to do-“
“We’re going,” YN takes his hand and drags it the rest of the way. “We’re going to uni next year and you’re not going to be a party virgin.”
“I’ve been to parties!”
“What? D&D parties?” YN snorts. “You’re going to an outdoor party with drinks and getting drunk. I want you to let loose. Show everyone Harry the nerd is kind of funny?”
“Kind of?” Harry tugs her hand back. “You snorted at my jokes a couple weeks ago.”
YN looks back at him and Harry’s breath is momentarily caught in his throat. The light of the bonfire reflects in her eyes that crinkle at the corners as she looks at him. She has an amused smile fixed on her face. She’s relaxed completely, unguarded.
He wanted more of that, he realizes.
“Oi it’s about time!” Someone notices YN and waves her down. Harry’s forced to follow. “Brought a date did you?”
“Not my date,” YN rolls her eyes.
The group, amongst whom most had been in a lot of his classes, simply stare at him expecting a name or something. Blimey, he realizes nobody recognized him. YN did a good job with her makeover.
“Good,” one particular bloke—tall with a shaggy overgrown mop of hair peels away from the group and slides his arm around YN. She distances herself in one languid move and continues on.
“Are you lot alright?” YN asks. “It’s Harry?”
“Hey Harry,” a few of them say with a removed friendliness. They still couldn’t place him. Harry would have been offended if this wasn’t the last summer he would see them all.
“Okay?” YN turns to Harry with her eyebrow raised and a joke in her eyes like they were on the ins of something together. It warms Harry’s chest with a gentle ease.
“Harry,” shaggy-hair says. “How d’you two know each other?”
“I’m gonna show Har to the drinks,” YN continues ignoring the guy. Harry’s dying to know who that is. “Anyone seen Raina?”
“She was over there a little while ago,” someone motions towards the fire.
This satisfies YN enough. She turns, “Drinks
“Yeah,” Harry feels lighter being here knowing nobody really recognized him. Like he could be anyone. Maybe he was getting a taste of what being at uni would feel like. He liked it.
He asks YN who that guy was when they get enough distance.
“Oh him? We went out a few times, hooked up at a couple parties. He seems to think that means I want him around at any given moment but he’s a bit clingy.”
A bit was an understatement but Harry stays quiet.
“He looks old.”
She laughs, “Yeah maybe cause he’s 21?”
“What’s he doing with a bunch of teens?” Harry asks, puzzled.
“Oh Har,” YN pats his shoulder and laughs. “Let’s get you a drink.”
“Just one drink,” Harry insists.
But after downing the disgustingly hoppy beer YN hands him Harry starts to feel even better being here. Nobody recognizes him, he has YN keeping him company (after she goes to Raina for a bit and comes back grumbling about her new boyfriend), and the energy at the party starts to really take off as someone turns on a playlist and people really start to mingle.
“So you excited about uni?” YN asks. They’re both sitting on a large rock. Yn has her knees tucked into her and her cheek rests on top. She seemed down after coming back from Raina.
“Yeah!” Harry says. “Finally get some bloody freedom, away from this place.”
“This place?” She slides her cheek across her knees to look at him. She looks beautiful, Harry thinks, before sliding his eyes away. It was still hard for him to maintain eye contact with her despite all the evenings they spent together.
“School. These people.”
“Hey they didn’t even recognize you today,” she chuckles. “I did a good job.”
She reached out and brushes one of his curls. Harry inadvertently leans in closer to her.
“I look the exact same,” Harry scoffs.
“No without those big ass glasses you actually look different.”
“Call me Clark Kent then.”
“Clark Kent.”
Harry looks at YN with an are-you-serious expression and she laughs.
“I didn’t actually mean to call me Clark-“
“I know,” she says softly. “I’m trying to annoy you.”
“That’s not hard to do.”
“Hey!” She punches him lightly. “That’s mean. You’re mean when you’re drinking.”
“No I’m not,” was he? He was just being himself here.
“No…you’re not,” she agrees. “But you’re honest. Anyway, you’re living on campus right? That’s lucky.”
“Why don’t you?” Harry asks.
“I can’t,” YN turns her face away again. “I’ve got to stay at home. Things are…complicated. So I’ve just got to commute.”
“Do you think we’ll hang out at uni?” Harry asks and then flushes as he realizes he said it out loud.
“Yeah? Why wouldn’t we?”
Harry shrugs. “We don’t exactly run in the same circles.”
“Look at us now,” she leans into him, nudging his shoulder, and the warmth of her pressed into him is a balm to his melancholy. “We’re not gonna have the same labels in uni. Nobody knows us. We just get to be ourselves.”
“I hope so.” Harry says. “Should I get another drink?”
“Really?” YN sits up. “You want another?”
“Yeah!” Harry suddenly feels energized. “Why fucking not?!”
“Alright!” She hops off and he follows. “You also swear a lot more when you drink. It’s funny.”
“Sorry,” Harry apologizes immediately.
“Don’t be, I like it.” She says and Harry’s heart skips a beat. He floats the rest of the way to the drinks.
He downs half of another beer before he’s recruited to do a keg stand. He’s pretty sure it’s YN’s pretty-boy that jostles him into that crowd. He’d never done one before and YN tries to pull him away but tipsy and brave he gets instructions and allows two strangers to hold him up while he drinks what feels like the equivalent to the Thames.
The boys standing around cheer him on when he stands back up with the longest time out of everyone tonight. If he was anything, Harry was a winner. And he feels powerful: he’s actually seen and celebrated tonight for doing something as stupid as a keg stand. Why didn’t he do this more in school?
“Make way for the goat!” One of the guys shouts.
“You’re all wankers!” Harry shouts. “I just owned you all!”
“Harry,” YN’s hand clasps his and while he shouts celebrations back to the guys he’s dragged away by her.
“It’s Harry right?” A girl he’s never seen before stops YN on her trek to get him far away from the drinks. “I’m Marva.”
“Marva!” Harry pulls his hand from YN and shakes Marva’s. “Nice to meet you…Mara.”
“Yeah nice to meet you,” she smiles. “You’ve got really nice eyes.”
“Thank you Mara. You have really nice teeth.”
“Fucking hell,” YN mutters then louder she says, “Sorry Marva we gotta go. Maybe you can catch up with-“
“Okay I just wanna say that was sick what you did,” Marva points to the keg.
“I’m king of the keg,” Harry says and YN mumbles something to the side but Harry’s too swept in winning, in getting attention from this beautiful girl, to hear.
“Yeah, uhm could I get your number?”
“Uh,” Harry tries to remember his number but it doesn’t come to him. He should remember his number. Why isn’t it coming to him?
“Or I could give you mine?” She says after Harry stands there silently for an uncomfortable minute.
“Yeah,” Harry hands his phone over but his mind keep trying to push through the slosh to remember his number. Soon enough he’s walking away with YN again. “Why is my number? It’s a set of numbers…”
He’s mumbling, an anxious feeling creeping up his chest as he tries to remember.
“Hey,” YN finally allows him to stop. She senses the panic rising in him and lays a hand on his chest. The buzzing stops immediately. “Harry look at me.”
Harry looks down at YN, she was one of the most beautiful women he’s ever seen. He wishes he could hold her face for eternity. He would live in peace.
“Hello?” She snaps her fingers. “You’re not blinking are you alright?”
“Probably not!” Harry laughs. “I just got hit on by a gorgeous girl did you see that?”
“Yes,” she rolls her eyes. “She was impressed by your ability to drink upside down. What a catch.”
“I am a catch,” Harry motions to the water behind them. “I’m a fish in the sea.”
“Oh my god,” YN laughs. “You’re ridiculous is what you are. That’s a river I thought you were smart.”
“I’m cool now.”
She brushes his hair again, “give a nerd a new hair style,” she drags her hands over his eyes, “put him in contacts,” she continues tracing her hand down his face to his chest, “put him in new clothes-“
She cuts herself off when Harry grasps her hand against his chest. He was sure she could feel his heart racing inside.
They stare silently at each other, the darkness cushioning them on either side until it feels like they’re the only two beings in the night. Like they’re drifting in the dark, tethered only by hands and gazes.
Harry tilts forward, YN doesn’t move back. So he closes the distance and presses his lips to hers, they’re as soft as he imagined. They’re the best lips he’s ever kissed.
Maybe he imagines it, maybe it was a drunk fantasy, but for a brief second she presses her lips against his; she closes her eyes and kisses him back.
The next second, she’s shoving him backwards and scrambling away. Her look of shock and betrayal cuts right through the fog in his brain.
“What the fuck?” She shouts. “Did-did you just fucking kiss me?”
“I’m sorry!” Harry feels his heart in his throat, why did he think she would ever want to kiss him? She was YN, he was just Harry. “I don’t-I’m not I-“
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She wipes the back of her hand against her mouth, adding assault to injury. “Why would you do that?!”
“YN,” Harry stumbles forward but she peddles backward. It’s another punch added, almost deflating him entirely. “I didn’t mean—I’m drunk I’m sorry-“
“Being drunk isn’t a fucking excuse,” she spits.
“I know! I’m sorry!”
“Goddamnit! You’re just like every other asshole of a guy. I thought we were friends! But of course you get drunk and try to kiss me-“
“It’s not like that!” Harry tries to tell her. He was just braver drunk but he’s been in love with her a long time. After hanging out this whole summer he just thought they had a moment there. He read the signs wrong; apparently a bookworm could read wrong.
Maybe he would never be good at this whole people thing.
“Then what?” YN seethes. “Then why the hell—why did you try to kiss me Harry? You don’t even like me why would you kiss me?!”
“I…” he doesn’t know what to say. Of course he liked her. He more than liked her; YN changed his life and he’s starting to like who she makes him be.
But nothing will make this situation better. And the worst part is he feels her slip away, right through his fingers. It’s like one of those jelly toys from when he was a kid; the harder he gripped the easier it slipped away.
“Get fucked Harry,” YN swears. She turns and leaves. She leaves him and he doesn’t think she’ll ever come back.
When the rush of adrenaline subsides Harry empties the contents of his stomach. With his head swimming he picks himself up and finds his way out. With a final glance at the party he’d just felt king of, he spots YN tucked into the body of shaggy-hair and his stomach turns. Why did he ever think she’d want him? Girls like her didn’t end up with guys like him. Why did he ever come to this stupid party in the first place and get drunk? This wasn’t him. Uni or not, maybe he was never meant to change all that much.
***
Harry looks around his half of the dorm he’s just finished putting together with a proud smile. At last the day had come, he had successfully escaped the shackles of school and all its taunting and made it to the uni of his choice. Despite only being a 1.5 hour train ride from home Harry chose to get the full uni experience and live on campus. His life was going to change, he could feel it.
That is, until his roommate walked in.
Messy hair, backwards baseball cap, crewneck and baggy jeans and massive headphones on. Harry already types him in his mind—how the hell did the dorm board pair the two of them together?
“Aw marra,” he holds his hand out sideways and Harry clasps his hand and lets his body gets tugged into his roommate’s bony shoulder. “Harry right?”
“Yeah,” Harry tries to find his balance again. “Roderick?”
“Just Rod yeah,” Roderick throw his duffel bag onto the bed and points behind him. “Give me a hand with the other bags?”
Harry wasn’t much for lifting heavy things but he didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot with someone he’d be living with the next year. So he goes.
“When did you get here?” He asks.
“Last night,” Harry wanted to get in before everyone else and avoid the crowds of people. He knew it would be a good way to meet others and make friends—his sister told him the first week was when you made most of them, but he did what we wanted.
Rod barely hears him as they get the last of his bags. “It was packed to shite trying to get in here. Where’d you come in from?”
“London,” Harry answers.
“And you’re staying here? On campus?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to do the commute everyday. Felt like a waste of time.”
“Yeah that’d be crazy.” His roommate agrees.
“What about you?” Harry remembers to ask.
“Sunlun,” he replies. Harry hadn’t heard of it, and reminds himself to look it up later. “I was right ready to lose it driving here. My mam drove me-“
“Oh is she around?” Harry asks.
“No,” Rod laughs. “I’m not starting school trailing after her. But I promised her I’d have a meal with her after moving my—hey you should come!”
Harry has a hard time keeping up with Roderick, despite having longer legs than him he walks as fast as he talks and he talks with an accent that takes a minute to filter through for understanding.
“I couldn’t-“
“No you’re coming,” Rod claps Harry on the back. “She would love seeing that my roommate’s someone like you.”
Someone like you, what did that mean? But on some level Harry knows just by comparing Roderick’s outfit and Harry’s slacks and spotless crewneck.
Harry has no choice but he gets a free meal out of it. Roderick’s mum is sweet and by the end of the meal he understands his roommate a lot better, knows everything about where he’s from—Sunderland, and is invited to “drop by for tea” anytime he’s up north.
Roderick invites Harry to a get-together for first years happening somewhere off campus but Harry feels sensed out and tells him he was calling it a night. Rod looks disappointed but leaves without him. Harry almost feels disappointed in himself. He was supposed to have a different life being in uni, but he didn’t want to make old mistakes and try to be someone he wasn’t.
***
Freshers week is both invigorating and exhausting for Harry as he tries to navigate all of the personalities and social groups without falling back into his usual ways. He attends the talks and the tours, one in which he meets Mikey who was also planning on joining debate club. Harry goes to mixers and breaks so much ice he’s sure he could get a part time job as an ice sculptor.
Harry also attends the workshops and he meets a few more friends there, but mostly when he signs up for clubs he’s interested and goes to their mixers he finds people he clicks with very easily. He doesn’t spot Rod once or anyone else he would have known from school.
On Thursday Harry heads to Newsroom Society Club which was a fancy title for the uni’s reporting club. He has a few new friends he’s made, Florence from one of the workshops and Gabriel who lived in the same hall as Harry as well as Mikey. They were all interested in being part of reporting—the newspaper or the podcast.
Harry stumbles into a projector when he spots her.
“You alright?” Gabriel grabs Harry’s jacket to hold him steady. All eyes are on him as the slideshow on the wall tips off balance and he’s bright as a tomato.
“Yeah I didn’t see that there,” Harry lies.
“Kinda hard to miss,” YN pipes in from where she stands.
Looking at her reminds Harry of the summer. It felt like a dream looking back on it, how they became friends and then quickly drifted off after he stupidly misread her cues and tried to kiss her. Although it was one of the few times he had gotten drunk and he was out of his depth when it happened. But YN had avoided him after that. He knew they were going to the same school but he didn’t think he’d see her this early on.
Harry’s new friends eye YN, assuming she was being rude just because. But when Harry acknowledges her they settles down.
“YN. Hi.” Harry waves awkwardly.
“Harry,” she says coolly.
“You’re here for the paper?”
“The show actually,” YN nods. The girl she’s talking to touches her arm and motions she was heading elsewhere.
“Oh me too,” Florence pipes in. “I’m Florence by the way.”
“I’m Mikey,” his other friend says as if Flo opened a gateway to YN. “I’m also interested in it. Not sure if I’m staying though.”
YN eyes his friends and returns her gaze to Harry. “Neat. I’m YN.”
“You two know each other?” Mikey asks.
“Yeah,” Harry says as YN says “Unfortunately.”
There’s an awkward beat as the group tries to figure out if she’s joking it not. When her lips curl into a small smile and they take the cue to laugh. It amazed Harry how well YN could command a group. Even now.
“Are you going for any other clubs?” Flo continues asking YN.
“I was thinking tennis, I used to play.” YN says and Harry’s surprised to hear that. He’s reminded he didn’t know her much—he never really got to know her that well despite all the time together. She was a closed book on a lot of things. “How about you?”
“Yeah I’m thinking of joining the volunteer committee!”
“Yeah what do they do?” YN asks. “Obviously volunteering but like-“
She doesn’t need to correct herself any further as Flo launched into a onboarding speech about volunteer committee. And Harry’s mesmerized by YN as she listens to Flo attentively, it’s different to the way she interacted with him or Mikey or a lot of people. When she feels him staring her eyes flick up to meet his and then back to Flo. She does it again and he takes the hint, looking away.
He flushes remembering the summer, how things started so well and ended so terribly.
YN ends up sticking to their group as the club organizers gather everyone to do a small introduction of the Newsroom Society. When it ends and they’re left to mingle Harry’s friends ask him what they were going to do for lunch.
“I’m easy, we can go anywhere.”
“I wanted to catch the fencing match they have going on at 2,” Gabriel says. “I might stay behind-“
“Let’s just do the caf.” Harry decides.
Florence turns back to YN who’s with her friend again. “Hey we were gonna grab lunch in the caf would you want to join? Both of you?”
YN meets Harry’s eye and an awkward energy sizzles between the two. It happens so quickly.
“Soph?” YN asks her friend.
“Eh,” she shrugs. “Okay. I’m Sophie by the way…”
Introductions are made all over again and YN and Harry are left herding the crowd from behind at the end if it.
“Hi,” Harry says as they fall into step.
She eyes him first before responding, “Hi.”
Silence as the group ahead chatters away.
“How’ve you been?” Harry attempts small talk.
“Fine.” She replies without returning the question. Harry gets the hint and grits his teeth. It was frustrating knowing she had glued herself shut and it would require a tool he didn’t have to get her to open again.
At lunch she continues to gloss over anything he says and talking with everyone enthusiastically but him, making him feel like he was in secondary all over again.
“We should do this again,” Florence suggests. “You guys are fun.”
Harry thinks Flo just liked having girls to talk to since most of the friends she’d made so far had been Harry and his.
“Yeah,” Soph agrees. “Maybe we’ll all make the Newsroom Society. Flo I think I’ll come to the volunteer thing with you next week just text me when it is.”
Somehow Harry’s friends intermingle with YN’s and by the time classes actually starts he’s seen YN socially more often than he had in secondary.
“YN,” Harry catches her walking out of their international business course. He’d found they had two classes together despite deciding different majors.
She glances up at her name and upon seeing Harry continues walking.
“Hey YN,” he walks ahead enough to stop her.
“Hey. What?” She asks.
“Can we talk?”
She raises a brow.
“C’mon,” Harry turns and hopes she’ll follow. She does. He leads them to a seating area for students in the building’s courtyard. “We should talk.”
“About?”
“Us.” Harry fidgets. “Look, I know what I did last summer wasn’t right. And being drunk wasn’t an excuse. I…I misread the signs and I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to betray your trust like that and. Yeah. I’m really sorry. If we’re gonna hang out and be mates, it’s weird when you’re always mad at me.”
She stares at him for an uncomfortable period and Harry can’t hold eye contact the whole time.
“How many times did you practice saying that?” She asks with a straight expression.
He laughs, “A few times.”
Like the sun after a thunderstorm, her smile slowly brightens the rest of her face as it stretches over her face.
“For the record, don’t ever try to kiss me ever again.” YN lists on her fingers. “Secondly, there will never be signs between us as anything more than friends so just…don’t look for them. We’re just friends.”
“Got it,” Harry mock salutes.
“I’m not done,” she holds up three fingers. “Thirdly, it’s nice seeing you be less…secondary Harry.”
“What?”
“Y’know like, bookish awkward nerdy Harry. You’ve actually got friends, I saw you at a couple parties. It’s nice!”
“Oh,” Harry didn’t think YN thought about him at all. He thought he went back to being a nobody but she was still noticing things about him. Things he thought only he had picked up on.
She was right—he felt more himself the longer he was at uni. It wasn’t easy but he found it easier to make decisions about people and friends, emotions and conversations when the pressure to fit into a box fell away.
Of course, Harry still struggled connecting with his roommate. After declining his initial invite to a party Rod mostly kept to himself and sometimes Harry was asked to give him privacy a few hours some evenings. Harry usually obliged, wanting to still be friends with Roderick.
One of the parties YN saw him at must have been one Rod invited him to. It was the first time he’d really spoken to him since that first day. And Harry had gone to the party just to reduce the friction with Rod. It went over well, he’d even chatted up a girl.
“Anyway,” YN hitches her bag onto her shoulder. “My next class is much later in the day so I’m gonna find a place to crash until then.”
“When is it?”
“Like, 5?”
“Shit, you commuted for our 10 and have to stay that late?”
“Yeah,” she sighs. “It was the only way I could fit both classes into this semester.”
“D’you…” Harry reconsiders the rules she’d given him. He didn’t think this was breaking any. “D’you want to come go my dorm? You could…nap or something.”
Her face lights up, “Wait really?”
“Yeah?”
“Um yeah? If that’s alright if-“
“Yeah,” Harry’s pleased to be able to offer something that’s made her light up. “Yeah c’mon. My roommate should be out. My next class is at half past 1 though.”
“That’s enough time for a nap,” YN says as she falls into step beside him.
“You don’t have to leave.” Harry tells her. “You can stay while I’m in class.”
That’s how Harry finds himself walking out of his dorm quietly so as not to wake a sleeping YN. She had knocked out soon after getting into his sheets, and he’s thankful he’d just washed them over the weekend after accidentally spilling tea all over them.
He felt bad that she had to commute for nearly 2 hours and stay the whole day for an evening class. He gives her an open invitation to use his dorm as a hotel when she wanted. She’d corrected him it was more like a motel, and then said his bedsheets smelled surprisingly nice for a motel.
Harry has a smile for most of his walk to class.
Near the end of class his phone vibrates with a text.
Roderick: there’s a girl sleeping on your bed?
Shit, Harry didn’t think he’d be back before him.
Harry: that’s just YN, sorry hope you don’t mind.
R: nah I just wasn’t expecting it lol
H: she’s just crashing
R: she single?
H: what happened to the girl you were hooking up with last week?
Despite not talking a lot, Harry still had the lowdown on who Rod was hooking up with because of the revolving door of girls.
R: mate. That was last week.
Harry rushes back from class but to his surprise he finds YN sitting in bed braiding her hair while Rod leans against his desk explaining something about Sunderland.
“Oh hey Harry,” YN says when he walks in.
“Hey,” Harry tries not to sound too out of breath. “Uh I see you two’ve met.”
“Yeah. YN’s pretty cool, where’ve you been hiding her?”
“I’m not-“
“Ew,” YN cuts him off. “Do they not teach manners in Sunderland?”
Harry watches, for the first time since he’s met him, Roderick stammer and look uncertain.
“Anyway,” YN gets off the bed and adjusts her clothes. “Thanks for letting me crash.”
Harry watched Rod get a hold of himself and YN put her bag back together again. That was the privilege of being so beautiful, she could shame guys like Rod into behaving themselves.
“See you Friday?” YN tells Harry. They had a Newsroom Society meeting. Harry ended up making the cut for the paper along with Gabriel and Flo. YN had made it for the podcast and this week was when they first got assignments.
“Yeah,” Harry says. YN walks past him, squeezing him arm and walking out.
“Marra,” Rod blow the air out of his cheeks. “She’s….something. You should invite her to the party Friday if she’s on campus.”
“Yeah I’ll ask,” Harry says. Weird how the tables have turned, he thinks. Here he would be, inviting YN to a party.
***
Harry doesn’t get a chance to catch up with YN until after Newsroom. He asks her if she was doing anything afterwards.
“Nope,” she rubs her temple. “I have a Saturday shift to work so I was just gonna head home after this.”
“Oh.” Harry says. He forgot she worked. “I was gonna invite you to this party-“
“You?” She points to him and laugh. “You’re inviting me?”
“Erm yeah?”
“I love it.” She says seriously.
“Yeah,” a smile tugs at his lips. “I know. But if you’re busy-“
“Oh no. I’ll show up to a party you’re inviting me to, where is it?”
Harry gives her the place. She tells him one of her friends was trying to get here there too.
“Whatever, I’ll just suffer the consequences tomorrow. Although I’m not dressed for a party at all.”
Harry eyes her hoodie and jeans. Even he knew YN dressed up more for parties.
“Too bad you’re not a girl,” she sighs. “I could just borrow something from your closet.”
“How about the friend you mentioned?”
“She lives a town over so she commutes. Wait, let me see your closet maybe we can make something work.”
“Don’t you make fun of my closet?”
“No I make fun when you wear it. It might look hot on me.”
The idea of YN looking hot in his clothes forces the blood to rush to his head and he has to take a few deep breaths before trailing behind.
Rod’s nowhere in sight when they get to his dorm. Harry unloads his backpack and splays out on his bed, tired from the day and really not wanting to go to any parties.
“This could be cute,” YN unhooks a plain white tee from his closet and throws it on his bed. She picks up a sweater and a short-sleeved button up. She holds them up to her and instructs him to turn around while she tries it on.
Harry’s so tired that turned around he ends up falling asleep, half his body still dangling off the bed.
While uni was really fun for him, and getting to explore different sides of him and learn a whole lot, it was a constant rotation of something. Sometimes he wondered if he should drop a class or a club just to give himself some breathing room. Or sleeping room. But Harry wasn’t a quitter. Instead he was tired a lot of the time and felt like he was constantly catching up.
“Hello,” Harry’s woken by a vigorous shaking. YN peers down at him, lashes long and coated in mascara probably. Her lips are painted a deep pink and she’s put her hair down.
“How did you…” Harry blinks at her.
“I had some makeup in my bag, I just touched it up while you slept.” She sits down beside him. “Now what are you wearing and when are we leaving?”
“I’m just wearing this,” Harry motions to his jeans and hoodie. She raises a brow. “Wait what are you-“
He notices what she’s wearing. His white tee that hangs loose on him has been tightened into a single point on YN’s ribcage, baring her midriff. She’s kept her jeans on but somehow despite only swapping out one item of clothing she looks magnetic.
“Wow.”
“I know right,” she gets up to allow him the full picture even though he didn’t want to ogle any more. “I just went with one of your tees, used a hair tie to style it. I’ll wear my bomber on top. And you can change your hoodie at least. You’ll look like a slob in that, it’s not going to impress any girls.”
“What if I don’t want to impress any girls?”
“Don’t forget I caught you flirting with Sophie last week.” She warns him.
It was embarrassing, Soph had been talking through one of the articles they were assigned to think about for Newsroom and it had turned flirty when Sophie started teasing him. Harry had recently felt more confident in the girl department and he’d flirted back until YN had dropped into the conversation pretending to gag at Harry.
Harry wondered if Sophie would be at the party. He should have texted her to ask.
“Let’s not talk about that.”
“I would actually love to talk about that,” she grins. “But I do want to head out. So wear this and let’s go.”
She throws Harry a crewneck and taps her foot. When she doesn’t make a move to look away he changes in front of her and doesn’t meet her eye.
“You’ve got a tattoo?” YN sounds surprised as he gets his arms into the crewneck.
“Huh?” Harry realizes she’s staring at his ribcage. He forgot he had a tattoo, not often looking at himself naked in the mirror. “Oh yeah. Caleb and I got it for our 18th before we went to uni. He’s moved to Canada for uni so-“
“You’re full of surprises aren’t you.” YN says in a quieter voice than usual. Harry’s hands are still trapped in his sweater, halfway to his head, when she steps closer and traces her hand over the numbers. Her hands are cold and unexpected and he gasps.
“Sorry,” she looks up at him but he can barely look at her. She was touching his bare torso. “Was that cold?”
“Yeah,” Harry clears his throat.
“Any others?” She asks.
He shakes his head, his voice sticking in his throat. He couldn’t move, he was too busy concentrating on breathing.
He slowly pulls his jumper on the rest of the way and only when they head out does he feel safe enough to talk. He tells YN how he planned on getting more tattoos eventually, once he figured out what he liked. It was a bit scary being so permanent but he liked the way he could express himself or hold memories on his skin.
They talk about it until they reach the dorms the party was at.
“Catch you inside,” YN says as they enter. “Don’t get too drunk.”
“Never again” Harry shouts after her. She waves without turning around.
He thought they would hang out here together but he finds himself wandering the dorms until he spots Mikey. He becomes absorbed in Mikey’s group of friends and forgets he’d been here with YN.
At some point Harry finds himself the centre of attention of a girl from his intro to biology class. Mary. She’s cute with a shoulder-length brown hair and animated eyes. When she smiles at Harry he feels his heart flutter.
“What about weirdest?” She asks Harry. They were talking about their shared interest in cults.
“Raelian,” Harry responds. “Have you heard of them?”
“Ooh no tell me about it,” she shuffles closer to him in the stranger’s room they were talking in. Harry had been nursing his drink for the last couple hours and he’d nearly made it look like it was done.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and he ignores it. When it goes off again Mary raises her brow.
“D’you need to get that?”
“I dunno,” Harry pulls out YN flipping him off on screen. He still hadn’t changed her photo.
“Harry!” He hears his name shouted from the hall just as the call ends.
“Is somebody actually calling you?” Mary furrows her brows.
“I don’t-“ his name is shouted again but louder.
The two of them shuffle to the hall and YN’s unmistakable face comes into view.
“Harry!” She says in a loud and happy tone. “I found you!”
“YN,” Harry glances at Mary nervously. She seems concerned. “What happened?”
“What didn’t happen amirite?” She elbows him. “Anyway. I don’t feel well and I am going home.”
“Drunk?” Harry scratches his head. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You’ve got like nearly 2 hours on the train.”
“And?” She shrugs. “I’ll sleep it off.”
“You can’t do that.” Harry insists.
“Well good thing you’re,” she points her finger into his chest and tilts forward. “Not the boss of me. Oh hey. We haven’t met!”
She spots Mary beside him and she bows to her.
“Heh. Harry. And Mary.” YN points between them.
“D’you need help?” Mary asks. “With her?”
“I don’t need help!” YN shouts. “I’m cool. I’m fun. I’m totally alright.”
“You’re really not,” Harry grits his teeth. He was finally hitting it off with Mary and of course YN had to go and get drunk and ruin it.
Technically he did invite her to the party though. Did that make her his responsibility? Harry wasn’t too sure about that sort of thing.
“I did an amazing job at Ring of Fire,” YN slurs. “Phe-nnnnn-omm-enal.”
“I am going to get her out of here,” Harry tells Mary. He twists his mouth to the side and hopes he looks as sorry as he felt. “I invited her so…”
“That’s alright! That’s what friends are for right?” She smiles. “I’ll see you in class?”
“Yeah!” Harry nods. “I’ll see you.”
With a final exchange of smiles Harry grabs YN by the shoulders and gets her out of the building. The whole time she talks about random things from the night that Harry couldn’t care less about.
“YN why did you get so bloody drunk,” Harry says outside his building. It was a co-ed so it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for both of them to go in but Harry wanted to sneak her into his room.
“I didn’t mean to,” she says. “I wasn’t even gonna stay this long.”
Her voice pitches down and she becomes droopier in Harry’s arms. His arms hurt; he should use the gym on campus more often.
“What happened?” Harry continues to entertain her.
She doesn’t say until they reach his room. He prays Rod would still be at the party and breathes a sigh of relief when the other side of the room is empty.
“Sit here,” Harry places YN on his bed and finds a water bottle for her. “Drink.”
“I can’t, I need to piss.”
Harry groans. “Why didn’t you say earlier?”
“I forgot,” she whispers. “Sorry.”
He points the toilets out to her and leaves the door open a crack so she can find her way back. Her mascara’s running when she gets back.
“Were you crying?” He asks.
“No! I tried to take this stupid stuff off.” She sighs. “It really is waterproof.”
Harry shakes his head, YN was a right state and he didn’t really know what to do. She’s always the one in control and in command. He remembers his sister using makeup wipes but he didn’t have any. He improvises with kleenex but she complains that it hurt. He tries dousing one in water but the makeup barely budges.
“Just let me sleep in it,” she complains.
“And get it all over my bedsheets?” Harry shakes his head. “No way.”
“Oils,” YN leans back in his bed anyway. “If you’ve got oil. Or balms. Whatever.”
Harry rummages through the room and manages to find a hair product his sister bought him with oils. He puts some on the kleenex but YN is snoring in bed by the time he gets up to her.
“C’mon,” he taps her face. “Did you seriously fall asleep already?”
“No,” YN cracks an eye open. “I’m up.”
“Good. Here use this.” He offers her the wipe but she whines until Harry gives in and helps her wipe it off. It makes his heart race and he tries not to breathe her in too much. Despite smelling like a brewery, underneath that she smells like YN. The one he knew last summer.
“You can’t sleep in my bed with this on.” Harry complains. Who knows where those jeans have been.
“M’not sleeping in my underwear,” she mumbles. “You wish.”
“Trust me I don’t,” Harry didn’t even sleep in his underwear. “I’ll give you some sweatpants. Please change into them.”
“You’re the worst,” she whines. But does as he says, moving like a sloth. She peels off his tshirt and slides into his sheets and Harry avoids looking at her in her sports bra. At least it wasn’t a lacy one.
She was just a friend. They had both made an agreement. Friends slept in the same bed. He’d probably shared a bed with Caleb before—this was fine.
Harry creeps under his sheets and tries to keep space between YN and himself but she tucks herself into his side and is out like a light.
***
Harry wakes to a shock of cold on his thigh. His eyes rip open and he yanks himself away from the freeze.
It takes him a moment to register YN giggling beside him.
“What the fuck!” Harry groans and turns on his back. At some point he’d turned towards YN and they’d probably slept facing each other. It was better than any other alternative he figured.
“Sorry,” she says without sounding a single bit sorry. “I just had to do it.”
“I literally let you crash in the same tiny bed as me and you repay me like that!?” Harry says to the ceiling. Sleep still tries to pull him back in but he fights it—with YN up he probably wasn’t going to get any more sleep.
“Okay no I shouldn’t have done that sorry.” She apologizes. “You wouldn’t happen to have like paracetamol or-“
“It’s in the desk drawer—what are you—ow!”
YN had started climbing over him as he answered and nearly kneed him between the legs.
“Sorry!” She whispers. Harry glances at his roommate to find him sleeping in his bed. He hoped Rod was too drunk to notice YN in his bed when he came in.
Harry decides to just get up then and eventually he walks YN to the bus terminal both of them full on caf coffee and breakfast. She was going to cut it close for her shift but she didn’t seem to care.
“Thanks for taking care of me last night,” YN says as the bus comes into view. She doesn’t look him in the eye as she says it and he can barely look at her saying it. “You didn’t have to and you did.”
“It’s nothing,” Harry says, equally uncomfortable with YN’s vulnerability.
“I saw an ex,” she meets his gaze. “I didn’t think I’d run into him after all this time. That’s kinda why I drank more than I intended. I wasn’t supposed to inconvenience you—hey, weren’t you talking to some girl last-“
“Yeah,” Harry hoped Mary wasn’t too weirded out by YN. “It’s fine. I’ve got class with her.”
“Oh I’m sorry,” she slaps her hand to her forehead. “I hope I didn’t make things weird. I owe you.”
“It’s alright,” Harry finally meets her eye and realizes it was alright. He could be friends with YN and maybe this could work. “It’s what friends do.”
“Really?” She asks.
He nods. “I’ll help you home from any party.”
“Awww,” she wrings her arms around Harry’s neck and he takes a step back to steady her. He forces his brain to think only friendly thoughts, and not how steady his hand feels on her lower back or how nice her hair smells, as he returns the hug. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said.”
She leans back and pats his face. “You’re growing up so much. Look at how much nicer you are.”
Harry blushes and she laughs at him as she runs to catch the bus. He watches the bus wink out of sight and sighs.
It was in part thanks to YN he’s grown so much, she forced him out of his shell and pointed out all the ways his intellect can get in the way of being a nice person. And being out of school helped the rest of the way; Harry’s contemplative on his walk back home.
***
“What about orange juice and biscuits?” Mary asks.
Harry thinks about it before shaking his head, “No. it doesn’t make sense.”
The two were having dinner together in the caf. Ever since the party last month they’ve spent more time together in between classes. They weren’t dating but there was a heavy chemistry between them. Harry didn’t realize, Mary was just waiting for them to make the first move.
“Crisps and jam?”
“Why?” Harry scrunches his face imagining the weird food combination. Mary was reading off an article she was reading when he sat down at her table.
She shrugs, “Apparently it’s moreish.”
Harry liked Mary a lot but he sometimes felt he paled next to her, like if he asked her out and she really got to know him she might not like him as much. So he kept her at arm’s length.
“What’s more-ish is the bile coming up my throat thinking of that.”
“A lot of these are pregnancy cravings!” Mary says. “What do we know?”
“Who’s pregnant?” Flo asks as she sits beside Mary. Mikey joins the table too.
“Nobody’s pregnant,” Harry corrects. “We’re just reading an article.”
“No actually, the computer science prof that everyone hates is pregnant. She’s not teaching next semester anyone who’s interested should take it then.” Flo informs the group.
“Can you imagine?” Mary turns to her. “Being so hated that the one semester you’re not teaching there’s a massive waiting list on your course?”
The group begins to discuss this particular prof and Harry fades into a listener. Mary catches his eye a few times and sends a bright smile his way and Harry keeps it tucked within.
Now a couple months into uni Harry was starting to find a rhythm that he was able to ride. He had more friends than he’s ever had, regularly went to parties and hung out with them, Rod and him were good friends by some way of YN, and uni challenged Harry’s brain in a good way.
Him and YN didn’t hang out very much but he often saw her at parties, in the Newsroom, or if he came back to his dorm while she napped. If had become part of their regular schedule for her to use his dorm to nap and Harry was more than happy to let her. Rod was too—even happier than Harry sometimes.
“Are you going to the Halloween thing Harry?” Mikey asks.
“Huh?” Harry had zoned out. “Uh I think so. Yeah. Why not?”
“Awesome,” Flo says. “We should go together.”
“We’re not doing matching costumed Flo,” Harry says for the tenth time this month.
“Why not?!” She cries. The table becomes noisy again as they argue the same thing they’ve argued since October started. Harry feels at home.
***
Just finished my mid-term, Harry texts Mary. We should celebrate with drinks later.
Yeah after I finish mine later today, would love to. Mary texts back.
Harry smiles at his phone and switches chat to YN.
Are you still at mine?
She doesn’t reply and Harry figures she’s either sleeping or maybe writing a mid-term. He knew she had one later this afternoon—the same class as Mary.
Uni turned out to be a small world, he’d found a few people he already knew in these halls and somehow new friends and old acquaintances had all mingled together.
The good thing was now that he regularly wore contacts and started putting in some effort in how he looked, a lot of his old classmates either walked past him with no recognition or spoke to him like they weren’t the reason he had one friend in secondary.
It still took some adjusting to: here he was, bottom-rung at his old school, asking someone at the top rung if she was still sleeping in his bed. It was mad.
Harry turns the key of his door and freezes at what’s before him.
His roommate Roderick sits on his bed with his back to the wall and someone looking very much like—no it was YN because her jacket lay on his bed, straddling his lap. YN and his roommate were making out.
“What is this?” Harry asks when his senses return. “What’s going on?”
“Oh hey Har,” Rod looks past YN. He was so casual, Harry felt a little crazy at thinking this was a big deal.
“Oh,” YN turns and unhooks her legs from around Rod. “You’re done your exam. How was it?”
Were they insane it was he just a prude? Harry’s roommate was making out with his friend. That regularly crashed in his room. Has this been going on for a while?
“Good. Fine. YN can we talk?” Harry asks.
“Sure,” YN climbs off the bed and fixes her lipstick whilst passing the mirror. Harry nods to the hall and she steps out. “What’s up?”
“What…what’s going on there?”
“What? Rod?”
“Obviously!”
“Oh my god Har, it’s nothing serious we were just making out.”
“For how long?”
“I dunno? Why do you want to know?”
“No like how long have you two been hooking up?”
“We were just making out today why’ve you got your panties in a twist?”
“So this is the first time?”
“No…we made out at a party last week. Anyway I was just studying on your bed after getting a nap in and he walked in. It got flirty, one thing led to another-“
“I’m not comfortable with this.” Harry clenched his teeth. He didn’t know why but it felt wrong they were doing this in his room. After he’d opened it up for her to give her a break from the constant commuting. What if things go sour between them and Rod takes it out on him? What if she ruins the vibe of their dorm?
“Harry,” YN lays a hand on his shoulder with a serious face. “You know I’ve kissed boys before. Done even more than-“
“This isn’t a joke,” Harry brushes her hand off. “I don’t feel comfortable with you doing…that in the room.”
“So now you’re deciding who I can see-“
“No!” Harry shouts a bit too loud and someone on the other end of the hall looks up. “No. You know that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t care who you hook up with YN. Just not in my room with my roommate. Do whatever you want with him at parties but not in my room. I don’t care what you do. Just…not in my room.”
Harry shuts up once he realizes he’s repeating himself. He hopes she understands.
“Fine.” She does her classic move. She shuts down. “I’ll be a devout virgin in your room. Outside I’ll be the wild child I am.”
“YN don’t twist this,” Harry sighs. “Why do you do that?”
“I’ve got an exam in a couple hours.” She opens the door. “I should go.”
“Already?” Rod says as they walk in.
“Harry’s made a request about us,” YN shoots him a look and Harry wants to take that look and throw it back at her. He was going to break it to Rod differently knowing how tenuous the balance of their friendship was. But now she’s just dropped it like a bomb in the middle of their dorm.
“What?” Rod looks at Harry.
Harry flushes but he tries to look at Rod when he tells him, “I think it’s weird you two making out here. You can do that anywhere just not here. My roommate and my friend…it’s weird.”
Rod blinks, Harry thinks he’s zoned out until he shrugs. “Nee bother. I respect it Harry. I’ll catch you out there then YN.”
YN looks between the boys, her hands holding her bag are curled into fists and with one last angry look to Harry she exits the room.
“Doesn’t look like she’s too chuffed with you man.” Rod pipes in from behind.
She wasn’t chuffed with him half the time, Harry was now used to it.
***
The Halloween party is packed like sardines and Harry considers leaving. Mary had come down with a flu and she’d also been avoiding him the last week. Gabe said she’s probably tired of him not doing anything about their mutual crush, Flo thinks she needs space, and YN says she found someone new to fantasize about but Harry thinks the last one is mostly to get under his skin.
Ever since that day in his dorm YN’s gone back to being bristly with Harry. It doesn’t bother him most days but it does frustrate him on a few.
“Harry!” A familiar face waves him down. The party was in off-campus student res and it was decorated like somebody had gone batshit on Amazon. Just walking toward Sophie, Harry had gotten a faceful of smoke, fake cobwebs, and bubbles for some reason.
“Soph! How’s it going?” Harry hadn’t seen Sophie since she quit Newsroom a few weeks ago. With midterms and club deadlines clashing she decided she couldn’t do both and left the club.
“So much better,” her brightened eyes and large smile fixed on her face clued Harry in that she’d already started drinking. “But I miss the Newsroom crew. How is everyone?”
“We’re fine—you know you could still hang out with us? We’re around.”
“Ugh I know,” she sways towards him. “But I feel like I hardly have time to be social. Social. Does that sound weird—so-shul?”
“I think you’re a bit drunk Soph,” Harry points to her cup.
“Oh yeah,” she laughs. “What about you? You don’t even have a drink!”
“I…I was gonna go get one.” Harry lies. He was actually gonna go home.
“Okay! Someone had shots going.”
She grabs his hand and it tingles. She races around until she finds the half-empty vodka and demands Harry do shots with her. He nearly chokes on it and coughs uncontrollably which sets Soph off.
“Are you alright?” She slaps his back harder than she looks like she could. “You need a chaser hold up!”
She disappears behind the table and pulls out lime wedges from god knows where. She instructs Harry how to do it even though he didn’t want any more but she doesn’t relent.
The second time is a lot smoother but Harry realizes he really did not like vodka either.
“Soph! Har! You two know each other?!” Roderick suddenly walks in on them, crashing the two with an arm around both. “Small worlds!”
“Hey Rod,” Soph’s glow dims a little.
“Now what kind of hello is that? And what are you supposed to be?”
“Scream queen right?” Harry asks as Soph says “Scream Queen duh?”
Rod frowns and takes his arms down. “Well I can make you scream, qu-“
“Alright,” Harry and Soph eye each other. Harry has been to enough parties with Rod to know what level of drunk meant what level of no filter. And it was best they left him alone now. “We’ll see you around mate.”
“Thank you,” Soph whispers in his ear as she loops her arm and they walk away.
“What’s going on with you two?” Harry asks. He’s learned enough to know Sophie soured at the sight of him.
“Really?” She asks.
“Really—what?”
“Him and YN were hooking up a few weeks ago. He was just…ekgh.”
“That’s not a word,” Harry laughs.
“I know!” She throws her hands up, one of which holds a knife.
“Alright,” Harry holds his up. “It’s a word.”
She throws her head back and laughs, then wields the knife against his throat.
“Woah, Soph.”
“It’s fake!” She laughs again.
“Yeah thank god,” Harry lowers it and she tumbles into him with the pressure she had put on it.
“Oops,” she smiles up at him. “Hey how d’you know Scream Queens?”
Blood rushes to Harry’s head as she looks up at him through her lashes. Soph was beautiful—she always had been. But tonight she looks particularly beautiful. It could be the vodka. But he wanted to kiss her.
“I watched it over the summer with…” Harry had watched it with YN. This was YN’s friend. Maybe he shouldn’t kiss her.
“Hm?” She inches her arm up and loops it around his neck. Her head tilts to one side and Harry feels the vodka flood his brain while his blood rushes another direction. “You’ve got really nice eyes.”
“So do you.” Harry barely gets out.
“Our babies would have amazing eyes.” She says with complete seriousness. Obviously she was drunk.
“Yeah. Uhm,” Harry tries to push her away. He does, or he tells himself that. But when she stands on the balls of her feet Harry felt it was rude to not meet her halfway. Not press his lips against her strawberry-flavoured plush ones. It felt amazing.
“D’you wanna go somewhere?” She whispers in his ear.
Harry doesn’t want to. He just wants her to shut up so they can keep kissing.
He leads her gently to the wall and continues kissing her, displaying what he’s learned in his two months at uni. And the noises she makes does unspeakable things to Harry.
“C’mon!” She urges to him. “Surely one of the bedrooms are free!”
At the thought his mind clears for a single moment. Should he be doing this? Was his first time really going to be at a Halloween party with Soph?
“I don’t have any-“
“That’s alright!” She tugs him back to her. “Let’s just see where the night takes us.”
“You’ve got to lose the knife though,” Harry says against her lips.
She laughs and tucks it into his back pocket. “Okay?”
Her laugh scatters away the remaining rational thought and he follows her wherever she takes him.
***
“Alright team,” the head of Newspaper stands addressing the crowd. “This has been an incredible year of reporting. I think we’ve done a fantastic job and I want to commend you all on your efforts and time lent to our humble club. Our final edition is going to print today, and the year’s final episode releases this Friday. So do give it a listen. Next year we’ll be back invigorated with more stories to tell. Have a great holiday all!”
Harry’s eyes roam the room, feeling content at being part of this hard-working group.
Despite only a semester on the Newspaper Harry felt really bonded with everyone. The team was big, split into print and podcast and yet despite not knowing everyone, the passion for stories and reporting was palpable. Especially release weeks.
Over the semester Harry had gotten even closer to Florence and Gabriel, it made Newsroom feel even more collaborative. And they often grabbed a bite after Newsroom or they would sometimes go to Gabriel’s and play video games. YN would join occasionally.
YN, only being a first year, was often frustrated being sidelined by seniors. Her friends often heard about it after particular Newsroom meetings. Still, YN on the podcast team made waves and Harry knew because her name was often on a lot of projects or on the lips of a lot of seniors. It made him proud to be her friend, often it reminded him of how he used to think about her. But Newsroom was a perfect example of how they both had separate strengths and how they flourished in each of them. He’s glad he realized that last year.
Harry’s eyes continue to dart to the door, checking his phone. It was weird y/n didn’t show up today when she should have. Especially the final meeting.
When the group goes for dinner in the caf Harry spots their friend Sophie.
What started as hooking up at Halloween ended in a few other hook-ups over the last month or so. Each time Harry felt incredibly guilty but Soph was really nice to him and nice to kiss too. Plus, Mary had stopped hanging out with him without another word and he wasn’t exactly sure what he did for that. So he’d given her space.
“Y/n wasn’t at today’s meeting, shame.” Flo says to Soph. “D’you know where she is?l
“No, that’s strange. I saw her earlier today?” Soph looks at the group.
“Me too,” Gabe adds. “She’s around.”
“Yeah it is strange,” Harry comments. “She’s usually on time, or at least sends us a text if she can’t make it.”
“I hope everything’s okay,” Flo scrunches her brows.
“I’m sure it is.” Sophie reassures her.
She turns to Harry with a secret smile, one hand sliding onto his thigh. “Any plans after this?”
“Oh!” Harry startles as her hand slides higher up his thigh. This was so…public. “Maybe. Uhm. Soph can we talk?”
He’d wanted to talk to her all week but had been so busy with exams. He thought about it a lot and really didn’t think sneaking behind y/n’s back with her friend was right. Especially after he asked her not to hook up with Rod in his room and she stopped.
Sophie shrugs and follows him off to the side.
“We need to talk,” Harry starts, he waves between both of them. “About this.”
“Yeah?” Sophie asks.
“Yeah. And. About Y/n.”
Sophie just notices the serious tone to Harry’s voice. She stops playing with her hair and stands taller. “Okay. What about her?”
Harry takes a deep breath, trying to articulate his thoughts. “I’ve just been thinking with us being her friend, she doesn’t know about us. I don’t want to sneak behind her back give her another reason to have trust issues—she’s been through a lot.”
“Yeah,” Soph agrees. “Y/n’s strong. She’s got like, that tough quiet strength she just exudes it always. I admire that about her.”
Harry nods, a small smile tugging on his lips. “Exactly. She’s really loyal to her friends, and I don’t want to screw anything up. I just…don’t think she’d approve of this.”
Sophie’s eyes soften with understanding. “Oh.”
“What?”
“You…care about her don’t you?”
“Well uhm yeah she’s my friend I-I yeah-“
“Like care about her.” Soph cuts off Harry’s stuttering. He felt like an idiot.
“Uhhh…”
“Be honest,” Soph curls the side of her mouth. “It’s not like we’re dating I don’t like care if you do.”
“Yeah fine. More than I probably should yeah,” he sighs. “But she’s made it clear we’re nothing more than friends. And I’m fine with that but we go way back and she’s helped me though a lot. I just don’t want to lose her. As a friend. But you’re a really great person too Soph I don’t want to lose. And I don’t want it to get complicated here.”
“I get it,” Sophie shrugs. “But it doesn’t have to be complicated. Or a secret. We’re just having fun!”
“Yeah I just don’t want to jeopardize anything.”
Unbeknownst to Harry and Sophie, y/n enters the caf then and spots the two before spotting their usual table. She heads towards Harry and Sophie first, curious as to why they were separated in what looked like an intense discussion.
“Fine. I get it!” Sophie continues.
“I’ve screwed up with her enough.” Harry says as y/n gets within hearing distance. “I hate feeling like I’m walking on egshells around her.”
“YN’s a tough cookie,” Soph agrees. “I’d be scared to be on her bad side.”
“I’ve been on it. Kinda made my life hell. It’s like facing a lion with just a stick.”
“You poor thing,” Soph touches Harry’s cheek and laughs just as her phone vibrates. “Oh that’s Emmy hold on.”
Harry smiles as she steps away but it dies as y/n steps into view.
“Oh y/n…how long-“
“Walking on eggshells? Didn’t realize being around me was such a burden-“
“No y/n that’s not the-“
“Save it Harry,” her eyes flicker with hurt.
“No seriously!” Harry tries to explain. “I wasn’t saying it like that!”
“You compared me to a fucking lion!”
“Let me explain-“
“After everything I told you about me I thought we got each other Har-“ Y/n cuts herself off as her throat closes with tears. She was not the type to cry in front of anyone, especially a boy. She waits for the feeling to subside. “It’s pretty clear where I stand. And by the way, talking me down isn’t going to make you look good with Soph.”
“Y/n please,” Harry feels her slipping away again and he envisions taking her by the shoulder and giving her a good shake. He hated when she did this, like the tides at a beach she retreated so quickly all he was left with was sand. She never left enough time for someone to grab her.
“Just…whatever Harry.”
With that she turns on her heel and walks away, the noise in the caf suddenly comes roaring in on either side of Harry. He wants to turn the volume dial all the way down and run after her but he knows neither are possible.
“What was that?” Sophie reappears.
“She heard the wrong end of our conversation.” Harry says with dread. “I didn’t mean for her to hear it like that. She must think…I don’t even know what she must think.”
“Mmm,” Sophie squeezes Harry’s shoulder. “Just give her space. I’ll ask her what she heard and explain don’t worry. She’ll come around.”
Harry wasn’t so sure.
***
Harry watches as Mary enters the bar and looks around. For a moment he can just be another bloke seeing Mary for the first time wondering what she’s like with her cropped hair and animated brown eyes. He feels his heart picking up speed the longer he watches her—he can’t believe it took him this long to ask her out officially.
Although it wasn’t entirely his fault.
Harry didn’t think Mary would ever be interested in him on a deeper level—he definitely wouldn’t date himself. And when Mary began to make excuses about hanging out last year, Harry took that as a big glaring sign he was right, instead of just asking her outright.
Then there was the tryst with Soph. And the fallout with y/n who cut him out of his life like she was scissors through wrapping paper. Harry acted like it didn’t hurt him but it did; after all the time they spent together he didn’t know how y/n could be so cold with people she called her friends. She didn’t even care about his explanation.
But Harry’s sister had given him an earful one night during Christmas break, about dating the girl he was really into and not being such a coward. It took him a whole month to work up the courage but on Valentine’s Day he’d asked Mary to be his. It was cheesy but she loved it. They’d hung out a few times and last week Harry asked her to be his girlfriend. He was officially in a relationship!
Mary catches his wave from the front and she breaks into her toothy smile that squeezed his heart every time it was directed his way. Falling in love made the whole world feel soppy. Harry’d never experienced something like this; in a world of learning and achievements this was one he felt really proud to get to.
“What are you smiling so hard about?” Mary teases as she reaches him. Harry kisses her and keeps her hand in his as they sit.
“Just this girl, can’t stop thinking about her.”
“Must be a lucky lady,” Mary grins. She was head over heels too.
“Nah I think I’m the lucky one.”
“God,” Mary pulls her hand away and presses them to her blushing cheeks. “You’re damn charming when you want to be Harry.”
That wasn’t a word anyone would ever use to describe him. Yet Harry feels over the moon to hear it. Here was proof he was changing—he was finally growing up.
The new couple have a few drinks with their food, they talk about school, friends, and the upcoming Easter Break.
“I’m heading home too,” Mary was originally from Liverpool. “My mum’s sister’s coming in from Australia for Easter. She’s got these little rascals I haven’t seen in years so I’ll have to see how big they’ve gotten now.”
“Are those the rascals who stole your Taylor Swift poster?”
“Signed poster,” Mary corrects him. “And yes. As payback because I caught then stealing their dad’s smokes. It’s been 3 years and I still haven’t gotten that back.”
“You really think they kept it?”
“Well we’re gonna find out,” Mary grinds her knuckles into the palm of her other hand. “I’m older and stronger now I can take them.”
Harry laughs, he loved seeing Mary when she was joking like this. Otherwise she was a bit like him when it came to studying and being serious.
“Well you’ve got a boyfriend now. I’ll make the trip if it means getting that poster back.”
“Would you!?” Mary reaches out to him. “That’s actually so sweet.”
Harry’s chest fills with warmth as she kisses him, and that sparks a different hunger. They pay their tab and head out hand in hand back to his dorm.
Rod isn’t in and they take advantage of that.
Roderick and Harry had continued their friendship despite y/n disappearing from his dorm. They’d gotten to the point where Harry declined a couple parties and Rod didn’t take it personally, and Harry actually helped Rod out with some of his studies. They worked out together and there was a better balance.
He did see y/n at parties sometimes. A couple times with Rod too. He tried to talk to her the first couple times but she always danced away just as he got to her. So he stopped trying. She was frustrating.
“Hey,” Mary kisses his jaw. “Where’d you go?”
“Sorry,” Harry had gotten lost in his head again. “I think Rod’s gonna be back soon-“
“Oh,” Mary sighs. “Okay. My roommate’s a shut in, too bad we can never go to mine.”
“If I asked him to not come home he wouldn’t,” Harry realizes Mary wanted to cross some bases too late. He really should stick to being in his body more often. He should have messaged Rod as soon as they headed here.
“Maybe next time,” Mary smiles sweetly. She wipes the side of Harry’s lips with her thumb, that’s when he realizes she was wearing lipstick. It was a subtle colour but not as much when it’s smeared on her chin. Something about seeing it like that feels endearing to him.
“Until then,” he pulls her back to him and kisses her hard, she responds in kind. Just as Harry slips his hand below her tee the doorknob jiggles. He sighs, “Fuck.”
“It’s alright,” Mary whispers below him. “That was fun.”
He peers back down at her, her lipstick is even worse but she’s looking up at him like she’s seeing him for the first time. Note to self show Mary how much I like her, Harry realizes.
This time he uses his thumb to swipe at the smudged lipstick. She smiles at him like he hung the stars.
***
Harry would have taken the train home last night to avoid the crowds but it was his last day with Mary before being apart for 2 weeks and he wanted to make the most of it. So now he pays the consequences with a packed train and barely any leg room.
The guy next to him plays some video game on his phone, the person across from that guy is already napping with her mouth open. Harry waits to see who takes the seat across and his heart drops when they finally take the seat and look up at him.
“For fuck’s sake,” she mutters.
Y/n. Of course it would be her. She’s cut her hair since the last time he saw her—now she has a fringe and he’s pretty sure layers with how much they flick outwards from her face.
“Y/n,” Harry greets her. This was going to be one long train ride. Although he wasn’t sure what she was doing here—did she move on campus this semester?
“Harry…” she says with a studied coolness.
“Nice to see you.”
“Is it?” She asks. “Look I’ll just find another-“
She gets up but Harry’s faster. He stretches out his long leg to block the corridor. She’s stuck within the 4-seater.
“What are you doing?”
“Keeping you in,” Harry says with a small smile. She would be forced to sit in front of him, he would finally be able to get her to talk.
“Harry don’t be so immature move your leg.”
“That’s your seat just take it y/n.” He motions to it.
“Harry!” She tries to climb over it but Harry just raises his leg and it throws her off balance. She nearly falls backwards but Harry springs up fast enough to balance her. That’s how he finds himself standing in her personal space, one hand on her lower back and the other clutching her arm.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
“Get. Off of me.” She replies.
He lets her go and she actually sits back down. Harry glances around and flushes as he realizes everyone around them had started staring.
“Nice hair,” Harry tries again as the train leaves the station. By then they’d been sitting in silence for at least 15 minutes.
“Yeah. Whatever.” Y/n brushes her bangs.
“So are you on campus now?” Harry continues casually.
This both surprises and irritates y/n. Usually he was very sensitive to when she was being a bitch to him, but now it seemed he was getting some enjoyment out of talking to her despite her attempt at staying cold; something had changed with him.
“No.” She answers as clipped as possible.
“So you’re taking the train home today because…”
“God Harry,” y/n sighs. “I had my last exam and stayed out too late. Now stop asking me questions like I’m in a bloody interview. Leave me alone!”
“Isn’t that what I’ve been doing the last couple months,” Harry grumbles. The look she gives him could cut him in half.
She studies him, what’s changed she wonders. He still didn’t meet her eye completely but he was challenging her a lot more. She wouldn’t have minded it as much if she wasn’t recovering from a killer hangover.
“So won’t be hard to continue.” She glares.
And that’s how the remaining hour or so is spent sitting across from his friend or ex-friend, whatever. In silence. Apart from a few glances her way he buries his nose in his book and texts Mary as she boards her own train.
Of course, they get off on the same platform and when Harry’s mum catches sight of y/n she insists on giving her a ride home since y/n was just going to take the bus. The two of them sit in silence as Harry’s mum asks them a dozen questions. The ride ends with an invite for dinner and a non-committal yes from y/n.
“You guys get into a fight or something?” Harry’s mum asks as they drive to their home.
“Or something,” Harry mumbles.
“It was like the the bloody DMZ in here.”
Harry shrugs. “It’s just y/n being y/n.”
“I saw her a couple weeks ago at M&S,” Harry’s mum continues. “She didn’t look so good I offered her a ride but she said she was waiting for her sister to finish her shift. D’you know what’s going on with her?”
Harry thought about it but couldn’t think of a single thing. Y/n kept her cards very close to her chest.
“No. She doesn’t share much.”
“Well do you ask?”
“No but even if I did she would just shut me out,” Harry suddenly feels defensive.
“It’s still nice to be asked,” his mum says. “Knowing someone cares enough.”
Harry looks at his mum, the words she’s saying makes sense. But it surprises him to hear them and realize just how much it made sense. How come he’s never realized that?
Maybe he was a shittier friend than he realized.
So Harry gives it a few days and shows up at y/n’s house. This time he knew exactly where to find her.
“You are?” One of y/n’s brothers answers the door. He was a couple years older than them.
“Harry I uh-is y/n home?”
“Maybe,” his brother continues to scrutinize Harry until he squirms. “Wait here.”
He waits for an eternity, sitting down on the stoop while he does. Finally the door opens behind him and y/n joins him on the stoop.
She’s in a blue sweater and pyjama pants. Harry’s surprised to see little powerpuff girls all over them. His sister used to watch that Friday evenings.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I just want to talk y/n,” Harry had practiced looking her in the eye. Just talking to her like a friend. He looks at her now. “You’ve been icing me out for months now it’s unfair. Sophie told me she told you what we were talking about, how you walked in when it sounded wrong and you’re still mad about it?”
She stares at him for a beat before sighing.
As she exhales she grows smaller in front of him until she’s drooped over, her arms circle her knees, and her head rests atop them—she’s the size of a pumpkin.
“I’m not mad at that,” she admits. “Sophie explained you didn’t mean it like that. I was more offended just at the fact that you two were talking about me. But I didn’t realize you two were close…”
“Yeah. I’m sorry about that-“
“That,” she cuts him off. “Is mostly why I was upset with you. You made such a big deal that I was hooking up with Rod meanwhile you were banging one of my friends? Behind my back?”
“We weren’t-I wouldn’t say bang-“
“Doesn’t matter Har!” Y/n sits up again and Harry feels the clouds break for a sec as she uses his nickname. “That wasn’t a great way to find out. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Harry didn’t know. Or he did: he didn’t think him and Soph were going to be more than a one time thing and when it was, he was ashamed a bit. He didn’t think he would go to college and have a casual relationship as his first one. It wasn’t something he necessarily wanted public knowledge.
“Maybe I was scared. I dunno. I just know I’m really sorry.”
They sit in silence for a few seconds, Harry hears the hoover turn on in yn’s house.
“Why’ve you got to be so fucking honest for,” y/n finally says with a sigh. “Makes it so hard to be mad at you when you’re all sincere and vulnerable.”
“Sorry,” Harry repeats.
“Stop it!” YN exclaims.
“Fine!” Harry’s heart pounds. “I don’t give a fuck about how you felt. Happy?”
Y/n freezes and slowly turns to stare at him. A smile ever so slowly tugs at the corner of her lips. She almost looks proud?
“Harry!” She grins. Then she punches him square in the bicep. Then gasps. “Have you been working out?”
Harry had been; in between class and clubs and dating, he started working out last winter with Rod.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me y/n,” Harry jokes and y/n snorts. The two look at each other at the sound of it before bursting out in laughter.
“I don’t know where that came from!” Y/n says through laughter. “I literally snorted!”
“You sounded like Peppa Pig,” Harry also has tears in his eyes. He missed hanging out with y/n.
Once they get ahold of their laughter Harry bumps his shoulder into hers. “It’s nice you’re talking to me again.”
She looks like she wants to say something to Harry, her eyes grow intense as she fixes onto him, her chin wobbling, but then it passes. Harry ignores the spark of disappointment.
“Yeah we’ll see.” She says with a half smile.
All was right in the world again, Harry thought.
He should have known, though, being friends with y/n would never be that simple.
1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.
2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.
3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.
4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.
5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.
6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.
7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?
8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.
9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.
10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!
11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.
12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.
13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.
14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.
15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.
16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.
17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.
18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.
19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.
20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.
There's a ton of stuff people never tell you when you finally start living alone.
Like how useful lists are, how anything important should be written somewhere prominent so you don't forget it, how you should never go grocery shopping when hungry and how freezers need defrosting every now and again (which seems utterly paradoxical to me but there you have it)
I’ve already started working on added tags and words to my original posts about Wanda-Vision about this but I felt the need to make a separate post addressing this too. I am not an avid comic book reader, just really started about a year ago. But my ignorance it’s not okay! I had no clue that Wanda Maximoff was half Romani in the comic books... I always just thought she was half or fully Jewish because of her father Magneto. To be fair, Jewish erasure isn’t okay either but despite being Jewish it doesn’t bother me that much. (probably biases I need to work on) Since she’s not an x-men I assumed that was erased so she was some type of Russian; but I should have done the research. I’ve been reading more about it and holy crap we should not be supporting this show! The white-washing of Wanda’s heritage and then blatant use of a throw away joke (at the Halloween episode) is completely inappropriate.
Sources of Wanda’s cultural erasure:
Mic.com
DailyDot.com
TheMarySue.com
TheNerdist.com
Romani culture has a rich history that I’m just starting to learn about. I already knew they were also part of the concentrations camps along side Jews and the those in the LGBTQ+ identity during the Holocaust. What I didn’t know was anything about their culture, and I did not know that g*psy is an insult. Right now I need to do my due diligence and learn more. Hope you all do the same.
Sources on Romani Culture:
Religious Tolerance.org
Ancient Origins.net (and the misnomer of G*psies)
WorldAtlas.com
Currently also reading on continued oppression of this culture: Romani woman and access to Health Care, 2003
It has always been my belief that Human rights are for all humans, regardless of race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation. Everyone deserves the same level of care and decency. Furthermore, everyone deserves a seat at the table in terms of representation. My own ignorance caused me to be blind to this... and for that I am sorry.
Wanda Maximoff is a cool character! The little bit that I have read in comic book form has been great. And I did enjoy the show... but I cannot in good conscience continue to support this character in the MCU when I know the background now.
