It's pleasant, really. At least, from certain angles. Your dear friend is allowed to be close to their partner, to wake up next to them, at least for a while. You're happy for them, and for right now, that's all you can process. It's been 15 hours, and you can't process the tinge of something else you're feeling yet.
You end up letting yourself pass out on their couch in the living room. Despite the relatively comfortable temperature, you can't help feeling cold. Cold and alone, and like something has been long severed, something you've been ignoring the absence of for what feels like forever at this point. You feel a presence come near you. Nothing malicious, just curious. When you open your eyes, you see a small, timid cat staring into the hood of your hoodie, keeping the light from flooding your eyes. When they realize you're no longer sleeping, they recede back into their hiding place somewhere else in the apartment.
As you sit up, it sets in. You've given yourself back the cognition to process what it is you've noticed the absence of. You'd been so careful to try to keep yourself from acknowledging it, but you miss the feeling of waking up next to a partner every morning.
You've been crying ever since your breakup two years ago, it's something you can't exactly turn off, just something that slows down considerably if you try not to think about it. Every now and then you have to wipe your eyes of tears or sniff to keep your nose clear. Your friends notice, it's not something you can hide. It's concerning to them, but you always assure them that you can manage. You always wonder when you'll stop crying, though.
Now, however, your balance has shattered, and the tears aren't just slowly forming, but they're once again streaming out. Your friend's partner is sitting on the couch now, too, doing their own thing. You don't want to concern her, but you do register your now wet cheeks quietly. You treat it like sniffing from a fresh sneeze when you clear your nose, you talk about something else sad, to deflect. You do whatever you can do distract from what this is really about.
You cannot ruin this for them, at any cost.
How pathetic.
