🔊 CARE-SNAKE-ING: Feelin' Crook 🍒🐍Haz/bin Ho/tel Wav
ALL PROJECTS WILL ALWAYS BE STRICTLY AI FREE
WAP BAM BOOM Alacazam! Here it is folks, the second haz wav project in the series! Wav is dedicated on 🍀 St. Patrick's Day to my Irish buddy and fellow Cherri/Snake enthusiast @very-freakin-effable! Wav would not have been completed without your support... and thanks to Effy and @themiseryandcompany for beta reading the script. I really appreciate it, dolcezze 😌💗💗💗
CARE-SNAKE-ING: Feelin' Crook: Our chaotic couple have their version of date night in the doomsday district, battling a gang of thugs that have hijacked a shipment of beelzejuice heading to the hotel! However, Pen/tious quickly discovers his lady isn't feeling quite up to snuff. But getting Cherr/i to slow down and admit that she's sick is a battle of it's own.
CW: A SLEW of wacky voices (cough drops were NEEDED on this one folks.), Slow burn...sneezes come a bit later, good things come to those who wait. Badass BG music, fast paced action/combat audio, Sounds of Gunfire, explosives and other fututistic weaponry, explicit dialogue, sounds of illness, loud rough female cold sneezing, mention of drug use, coughing, denial, emotional comfort and tender soft CARE-SNAKE-ING.
Script is below, enjoy!
~ Baci Baci, Pink
🍒🐍 CARE - SNAKE - ING - SCRIPT
(Scene 1 - We close in on a dark seedy area of the Pentagram’s Doomsday District, a small group of THUGS has taken one of the shipments of alcohol heading to the nearby Hazbin Hotel. A hellhound, THUG #1, the leader, in amongst the group of shifty lowlives is talking into a phone, going over the details of the stolen shipment.)
THUG #1: (chuckles) Yeah…Me an' the guys have secured the area an' the goods. Hijacked that truck heading to that crummy hotel on the edge of the ring, shipment of Beelzejuice straight in from Gluttony…We were just leaving…
(He laughs and gestures at the truck)
THUG #1: Hey! Who wants a cold one?-
(The THUGS however are not alone and aren’t getting away with the spoils that easily. A hissing posh accent sharply draws the attention of the group. A slithering figure approaches out of the shadows, wielding a ray gun that powers up, ready to take a shot.)
SIR PENTIOUS: Not so fast, you Pigeon-livered jolluck!...If I’m not mistaken you’ve got something that doesn't belong to you and I'm not above brute force…Hand over the libations and nobody gets hurt!
(The hellhound seems to know PEN well enough and approaches.)
THUG #1: Pentious! Been a while, y'slimy bag of farts…Seems someone finally grew balls, but not the brains…
(The THUGS laugh, but PEN stands his ground, unwavering as they taunt like schoolyard bullies.)
THUG #1: We still gotcha outnumbered, dickless! All on your lonesome…
(The band of uglies laugh again, and cock and load their weapons toward the snake. Mostly guns…but seems like one brought a sword to a gunfight. The leader laughs maniacally.)
THUG #1: Where's the girl, Ol’ man?
(Always knowing how to make an entrance, an explosion comes from overhead, signalling the presence of the ballistic belle of chaos…)
CHERRI BOMB: RIGHT HERE, BITCH! And SHE…is on fucking fire today!…Sorry m'late, handsome!
PENTIOUS: (delighted, called upward.) Ah! Not at all, you're right on time, darling!
CHERRI: (cheerily) Look out below!
(She slides down a gutter pipe on the side of the building to reach their level, PEN takes her hand as she lands to check in and make sure she is alright. CHERRI thanks her partner, then turns to enact her first verbal blows, getting up close and personal to the hellhound. The much shorter woman is not intimidated in the slightest, pointing directly at the leader's chest.)
CHERRI: (overzealous) Who’re calling dickless, dickless? Listen, NO ONE…talks about my man like that…except for me, especially what’s going on downunder. If you ask me, you're just jealous cause he got two bananas in his bunch.
PENTIOUS: (blushing, embarrassed) Oh, Cherri!
CHERRI: Y'know…Two can play your game, where's your mate at? Dingo lookin' fucker, right? Late, full as a goog? As per usual, after he left y'sorry ass?
(THUG #1's face drops and he whines as CHERRI seems to have hit a sore spot)
THUG #1: (growls) Hey bitch, fuck off! He's sober…Most of the time…We've been…going to counseling.
CHERRI: (mocks) Aww, see I missed the part where I gave a shit, fuckhead.
(PEN is now genuinely offended, this was low hanging fruit. Of the couple, he is the more emotionally conscious, but she's been improving.)
PENTIOUS: Tch, I say, Miss Bomb! Manners!
(A little annoyed, CHERRI stops herself and hesitantly tries to be more sympathetic.)
CHERRI: Ugh, fine!...Ahem…Sorry to hear that, bruv…You know what?...Don't suppose you lot…want a head start?...'fore we do this shit?
(The THUGS start running without hesitation, PENTIOUS turns to CHERRI with a tender smile.)
PENTIOUS: See, that was very nice, darling, you can be very kind sometimes…
CHERRI: Yeah, poor guy deserved a break, I guess…(sniffs, barely a beat)...Anyway, now?
PENTIOUS: Absolutely! I'd love nothing more, shall we gut this scoundrel?
CHERRI: Fuck yeah!…Let's…Oh no…hold on-...hh….hEHt'TSCHT'HIEW!...(sighs)
PENTIOUS: (concerned) Oh goodness! Bless you!...Are you quite alright?
CHERRI: (laughs) Uh-huh, relax, m'fine…Let's go catch these suckers…Ready?
(PEN powers up his ray gun and tests a shot out to the side, he pulls CHERRI in for a tender snog, that she lovingly returns. She giggles.)
PENTIOUS: (laughs slyly) I love when we play dirty…
CHERRI: (tender whisper) Me too.
(She lights the fuse and throws the first bomb, signalling the official start of the action, of what is a typical date night for the couple. CHERRI's musical laugh carries as they get a move on to catch up with the THUGS and the music drops as the fight begins. CHERRI jumps through the air and whoops out a yell. PEN takes aim and shoots at one of the gang from a distance, landing a hit. )
PENTIOUS: TAKE THAT!
CHERRI: (triumphant, proud) Nice one, babe!
(She almost loses her footing, but throws another bomb and it goes off, landing another hit and taking down two more targets. PEN blasts out several shots.)
PENTIOUS: Taste my fury, you barmy hooligan!
CHERRI: Eat shit, y'miserable cuntlickers!
(PEN laughs, but then hears his partner…coughing. He shoots and calls over his shoulder to CHERRI as they keep moving.)
PENTIOUS: I rather don't like the sound of that cough, dearest!
CHERRI: (calls back) M'fine!…It's just the smoke babe!…
(PEN'S gun jams, and signals a reload.)
PENTIOUS: (sarcastic) Right and I’m Queen Victoria-...Oh! Dearest, aim, 3 o'clock!
(CHERRI gasps and throws a bomb, but misfires, covering them in rubble, dust and smoke.)
THUG #1: (laughs to his men) Think we lost 'em.
(This is a fake out, as the couple emerges from the dust and smoke.)
CHERRI: Think again, champ. Now give us the goods. Under the order of Lucifer Fucking Morningstar.
(PEN's gun reloads.)
PENTIOUS: Honestly…You pussy willows make this far too easy.
THUG#1: Fine, Alright!...I surrender, I- huh?
(A gun cocks and loads. Seemingly CHERRI was wrong about the 'Dingo lookin' fucker'...A coyote sinner with a thick southern drawl signals his presence. THUG #1's boyfriend, THUG #2. There's a gun in his paw and he's brought a handful of more THUGS with him.)
THUG #2: Step away from my man, y'candy asses. He ain't gonna surrender if I have anything to say about it.
THUG #1: (love-struck, he whimpers) Barry! Oh Sweetie you came! And…you brought my favorite gun…Awww, you shouldn't have!
THUG #2: (sweetly) Of course, Peanut…Wouldn't miss it for the world…
(He pecks his lover's cheek with a quick 'Mwah' and gets back to the matter at hand, giving the gun to his partner who points it at the other couple.)
THUG #2: Now let's skin this bitch alive!
(CHERRI nervously laughs and grimaces.)
CHERRI: Oh great, they made up, congratulations!...Run, babe!
(CHERRI runs…leaving PEN with…everyone else.)
PENTIOUS: (panicked, then sheepish) W-Wait, darling!...I don’t suppose we could work something out, friends…
(NOPE. All of the THUGS cock their weapons. And PEN's ray gun…jams...again.)
PENTIOUS: Oh shit…
(From a distance, the gunfire and yelling echoes through the district. The thugs chase after PEN.)
🍒🐍
(Scene 2 - PENTIOUS has managed to slither away momentarily from the THUGS, but is…missing his partner. He pants to catch his breath, slithers and crawls quietly around the streets and alleys. His gun is at the ready and scanning for any danger.)
PENTIOUS : (Whispers) Cherri?...Cherri, dear, where are you?
(He hears a few poorly muffled sneezes in the nearby alleyway. And sees his partner sitting on a box in the shadows, her head in her cupped hands, her eye shut in pain. He quickly slithers over to her. She coughs and looks up, exhausted. She's coming down fast….but is in denial.)
CHERRI: Sorry Pen…Y-y'ready to get back up there?-
PENTIOUS: (softly gasps and sits next to her) No no-…Cherri-...Cherri..Perhaps, we might need to put a pin in this?...You don’t look well at all!
CHERRI: (looks up and tries to reassure, in denial) No!...No- no!...There's no time to veg out on a bullshit sickie!…We gotta get up there an'- hh..hih!-...
(She poorly muffles a loud sneeze in her elbow and it echoes in the alley.)
CHERRI: AAt'TSCHT'SCHIEW!-...(growls, frustrated, but her protests are weak) Fuck! m'really alright!
PENTIOUS: (uncharacteristically firm, not like this often)...Miss Bomb, t-that's quite enough, I insist…You must rest…at least take some momentary respite…And if I may, just… let me feel your lymph nodes.
(CHERRI exhaustedly shakes her head, sputters, and tries to bat away his hands, repeating 'No' but is preoccupied as she hitches and feels another few grating sneezes coming, these ones she barely directs into her shoulder, down at the ground.)
CHERRI: (desperate) No no nooo-…heheeh!-.. ECKH'HEW!...aat'RRTSH'SHEWww-…Oh no.
(PEN reaches a gentle claw to each side of her throat to check her glands.)
PENTIOUS: (sadly) Oh…Bless,…Yes, as I thought. Swollen.
(CHERRI swears and pulls away 'Fuck! Gkkk-', sputters and gags a little, coughing.)
CHERRI: (not listening, she coughs out-) …Uh-uh…Pen, we've gotta get back up there!
PENTIOUS: (floored) Are you mad, woman? You're ill!
CHERRI: But, t-the booze?!...They're gettin' away!
PENTIOUS: And your health is more important! The princess would agree...
CHERRI: No!...I-I can handle this…I…just- gotta-...
(She starts to rustle through her bag of explosives and her pockets for something. They CAN'T LOSE this, she hates to lose.)
PENTIOUS: (declarative) No!...No no!...I am calling a ceasefire!
(In an instant, it's clear CHERRI has found something as she starts to run down the alleyway.)
PENTIOUS: Wait! No!...Cherri? Where are you going?!
(This falls on deaf ears as CHERRI coughs, out of breath as she looks around and fiddles with explosives and runs down the alleyway, PEN calls after her. She lights a fuse and throws it up to the building above. It explodes and a scream sounds.)
CHERRI: (triumphant) Yes!
(She starts to cough uncontrollably and has to slow down, until she completely stops, heaving and wheezing.)
PENTIOUS: (frustrated, worried, a bit mom-ish, catches his breath) That's it, Missy!...I'm counting!...One!…Two!…Three…Uh, Four? Whew...Oh god…Damn it, Cherri! I'm putting my foot down!
CHERRI: (out of breath)...You don't have feet, moron…
PENTIOUS: (deadpans) …Right.
CHERRI: (hitches fitfully) Oh no-...huh!-...HUH'ECKH'HEWw! HUH'EHR'ECK'HEWw! PTSCHT'SCHeew!..heht-...HEH'pTCHEW!- Oh, fuck, that hurts…hah?...HEH'ITSCH'IEEWww!
PENTIOUS: (startled) Oh! Good heavens! Bless you! BLESS you!...BLESS, my love…(then sympathetic) Oh, my dear…
(PEN blesses and coos lovingly as CHERRI struggles through the fit. Unfortunately the loud fit signals the thugs to their hiding spot.)
THUG #1: There they are, get 'em!
(The THUGS charge forward, battle crying in a cacophony.)
PENTIOUS: HOLD IT!
(The THUGS suddenly freeze. CHERRI sneezes a loud 'HACK'IEWww!')
PENTIOUS: (matter of fact) Bless you...Party's over lads…We're going home, booze is yours.
(Bunch of disappointed ad-libs from the group of THUGS…Despite the fact that…they won. They love a good fight, it seems.)
THUG#1: I never get to use my favorite gun.
THUG #2: I know baby…
PENTIOUS: (genuinely sorry)…Sorry everyone! The lady isn't feeling well! Same time next week though? I promise to bring biscuits! (he pauses and turns)...Cherri, my love?
CHERRI: One sec…(CHERRI coughs uncontrollably.)
PENTIOUS: (winces) Oh, let’s go home…You must feel awful.
CHERRI: (stuffy, hesitantly admitting) Gah…Woke up, feelin’ a bit crook, is all…May've tried to-...I tried to take a line before I got here…
PENTIOUS: (suddenly very worried) …Oh, Cherri…
CHERRI: …Thought it’d get me through today…
PENTIOUS: …Cherri, I thought you were clean?-
CHERRI: (unexpectedly emotional, snaps) Well I didn’t get far now did I?...Nose is too fuckin’ bunged up to…hehhh…
(PEN is a bit wounded at the outburst, but sets it aside to support CHERRI as she launches inti a huge, harsh and desperate sneezing fit, bending the poor girl in half, holding a wall for support. PEN realizes quickly that she can't stop and is a bit speechless.)
CHERRI: …HhEH'ItSH'HEWw! Hh'khECHK'SCHEww! Hhh!- HaeH'ECKHH'SCHEW! HAH'ETSH'HWw- hold on- HEH'ESH'Hihhh…Ihh-It won’t s-stop!- (the sneezing is getting breathless)...Ihhh…Tsc'hhiew! TSCH'Hiew!...AaPPtCH'tscheww….hhh…HAATCH'CHewww…Hhh!-....HEH'EICKh'HIEEWw!...
PENTIOUS: (a bit unable to keep up) Bless you! ...Bless you, B-Bless you! Cherri! Bless you, my love!
(As she finishes, he suddenly remembers and reaches into his suit pocket for his monogrammed handkerchief and offers.)
PENTIOUS: Here, my dear, blow…My word! That sounds like it's hurting you, chuffing like a chimney, poor thing…
(CHERRI turns away and blows.)
CHERRI: Thanks…(sniffs, sullen) …M'so sorry, Pen…
PENTIOUS: (melts) …If anything, thank you for telling me…I just care and worry for you, and while I trust you, it’s my duty as your confidant…your boyfriend (the word is a bit foreign to him) to take care of you at your lowest. I- I simply don’t want you to suffer, I can't bear to see you so…miserable.
CHERRI: (exhausted) …Sweetheart?
PENTIOUS: (patient, sweet) Yes?
CHERRI: (quiet)…Feels like my head's gonna blow.
PENTIOUS: (sympathetically coos) I'm sure…We'll set you right, come along, let's get you to bed…
🍒🐍
(Scene 3 - We are back at the hotel, in a suite that the couple share together. CHERRI’s hair is out of her signature ponytail and sitting cross legged in bed in her pajamas with a thermometer in her mouth and a pillow held in her lap. As it beeps, PEN takes the device and reads.)
PENTIOUS: Ooh, 102! Oh dear…Well, you did say you were 'On fire' today.
CHERRI: ...ARRh'RSHHT'SHEW!
PENTIOUS: (a little startled) Bless you! My, you’ve quite a wicked sneeze, you know!
(He laughs, albeit a bit awkwardly and sees her dejected face, she puts down the pillow, pulls up the blanket and turns over.)
PENTIOUS: (he clears his throat and tests the waters)...I know today wasn’t what you hoped for…but I hope you know, I’m quite proud of you…
CHERRI: (glum, she turns and looks up at the ceiling) What for?...The moment things got hard, I reached for what was easy. I didn’t listen to you…I fucking-... I failed…I’m sorry.
PENTIOUS: (starts) Well yes- yes, you failed…
CHERRI: (looks at him)…Gee, thanks, babe.
PENTIOUS: (a bit exasperated) Cherri- that's not what I-…(he smiles, proud, with conviction and love) You're persevering! Take it from an old man who’s faced defeat on numerous occasions to note. You’ve got determination, unlike anything I’ve seen from anyone else…You'll make short work of this nasty chill and rise again in no time to try again! I know how much you hate admitting when you're not at your best, but you are doing it. And that takes strength…Real strength, my dear…Now I think some lavender tea should help that throat of yours, I’ll put a kettle on.
CHERRI: (she smiles too, grateful, but winded) Thank you, Pen…You know, y'not bad at this sick day thing…Taking care of my sorry ass.
(His eyebrow cocks, and he saddles up beside her in their bed.)
PENTIOUS: Oho? Well what kind of partner would I be otherwise?…When she does need of me, I will always care for my…brave…
(He nuzzles and smooches her temple.)
CHERRI: …Mm!
PENTIOUS: ...Bodacious… (smooches her cheek.)
CHERRI: (giggles) S’that right?
PENTIOUS: (contemplates) Mm-hmm...Often- Bullheaded…(nuzzles and smooches her freckled shoulder.)
CHERRI: (agrees) Hm…Fair…
PENTIOUS Hm…brilliantly (smooches her neck knowing it'll tickle her) bright…(leans over and smooches right under her eye, on her nose)...beauty.
(CHERRI musical giggles grow sleepy…She hitches and lets out a tired tickly 'HEP'PSTCH'hiew!')
PENTIOUS: (he chuckles) Bless you.
(CHERRI blows her nose in a clean handkerchief.)
CHERRI: (sniffles thickly) I do need you…Yeh?...I don't tell y'enough…but I love ya.
PENTIOUS: (lovingly agrees, insistant) And I you, dear…Now, I must insist that YOU get some rest. No explosions, no battles...not even a shouting match with the neighbors…Now, I’ll be right back!
(PENTIOUS hums and exits to put the kettle on…CHERRI sighs…and sneezes again…a loud muffled HAH'ECK'HEWww into her hanky. An Egg boi, a little shaken, it seems, approaches the bed.)
FRANK (Egg Boi): …Miss Cherri?…
CHERRI: (dazed) Yeh?
FRANK (Egg Boi): …Are you okay?
CHERRI: (a bit awkward)…Yeh?
FRANK (Egg Boi): …Your face exploded!
(Unable to respond, she flops back on the bed, exhausted, frustrated.)
CHERRI: …UGH
È Finito, Grazie!
- ♡ Pink