#thisiswhyidrink

[underabr0kensky]

Reasons you might find me absolutely blasted before 12 PM

I didn't have work that day.

I did have work that day.

I got bored.

Something pissed me off.

Something upset me.

It's a weekend.

It's a weekday.

I'm playing a game.

I'm watching something.

There was a bottle containing alcohol in the room.

I felt like my liver needed the workout.

It is my birthday.

It is someone else's birthday.

[thatonerandomnamehere]

You know dinner is bullshit when you have Pokemon related memes and GIFs at the ready that display accurate reactions to how the conversation devolved. I lost my appetite with how quickly it turned to politics and a screaming match along with being told that I don't know what a lung injury is like because I'm young. Okay, my crushed ribcage and left lung are invalid, cool.

[girlmomgoals]

Day 1 of vacation is going fan-fucking-tastic in case you are wondering. #Vacation #SummerFun #SurpriseLice #ThisIsWhyIDrink #FuckThis #BurnEverything #WhiteClaw #CanIJustShaveHeads https://www.instagram.com/p/B0hM1EoAM9v/?igshid=5t5ovx9r7c4e

[eyelinerandbourbon-blog]

So, today I got ankle brace to graduate into from the boot. I’m not sure I like it, I suppose I’m not meant to. I have a bunch of nerve pain and plantar fasciitis. Could take two to three months of the ankle brace and PT. #thisiswhyidrink #anklebrace #whoputsaseamonthebottomofananklebrace #miashoes #imwearingtwoshoes #physicaltherapy #stairsareevil #nervepain #ankle #anklepain #whiskeyplease https://www.instagram.com/p/BxlkMIUndNS/?igshid=okxo4e4zbytc

[wisdomfromtony]

Interview skills

In doing hiring for our season, we received hundreds of resumes for a small number of positions.

Firstly, Tony said "just grab a few resumes and hire them". Well I refuse to do that, and look for skills, experience and fit. Especially after this conversation I witnessed:

Prospect: I am looking for work.

Tony: Are you afraid of heights?

Prospect: No

Tony: You're hired.

Later, I get the kids resume. Completely unrelated experience, and very short term work history.bthis is why I read resumes. This is also another reason to drink.

[wisdomfromtony]

What a day..

We're hiring. We have a process. Head office put up an ad, they get resumes, they filter resumes, they send resumes to me, I interview them, and I decide who I want to hire.

As is often the case, when you post an add, and clearly say "apply online only", people just randomly show up with resumes in person. On rare occasions that can work out really well, but our company doesn't have a great history of hiring the best at the lower end of the work pyramid. And now I know why.

Kid comes in with resume. Has work in a kitchen at a coffee shop/donut chain. And before that a kitchen at a small restaurant.

Our industry is involved in construction material supply.

Tony asked "are you afraid of heights?"

the kids answered "no"

Tony hired him on the spot.

I have 30 resumes from people who have actually worked in construction etc on my desk.

#THISisWhyIDrink

#youcantmakethisshitup

[bigfe11a]

So before things got loose today, I did this.... launched SPRINT 13 with this legend.... #lmap #lesmillssprint #icantfeelmylegs #thisiswhyidrink #meandmyiphonex (at Albany Creek Leisure Centre & Health Club) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bok_kQSAile/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1c20oo9oa5mty

[drdipthong]

There are 40 of them...

Last you found me I was beginning my sojourn in the valley of glitter. People. If you have never worked with the elementary school ages allow me to educate you.

Morning: it’s hot. It’s hotter than a gila monsters testicals. It will get hotter. 

Your supplies are in the staff shack, which smells of the fond longing for alcohol and sweat. The bin has your name and class on it and a random assortment of the things you asked for. The bin is your life line. It contains all of the precious materials required to prevent the song of your new people from carrying the cadence of  “I’m bored.” Which any experienced childhood educator will immediately identify as a funeral dirge. Yours.

The tent has bark dust and unnamed dust floors. At first you think, how nice, we won't have to worry about getting the floor dirty. After five days you soon realize that the floor has deep seated needs for revenge against the puny humans who has soiled it. Also goth does not do brick red dust well. 

Materials laid out, you hear them, a soft rustle, a pattering in the distance. Sleepy chirping voices singing something about a decomposing moose. *It’s camp, you don't judge. There was something about gangrenous socks wayyyy back in your day and it’s best just to let the lyrics slide past your brain without examination.*

Suddenly you are surrounded by ten smoll birbs. They have apple name tags and friendly expressions that can not be trusted. One of them has a completely blocked nostril featuring a sap green booger twice the size of his nasal passage and the kind of open mouthed wet breathing you generally associate with late night porn hotlines. He breathes faster when you tell him he is not first in line. 

Wet felting is the process of laying out thin layers of wool in a sheet and in this case wrapping them around a dowel to felt a tube, spraying the mess down with soapy water and then rolling it in rug gripper and sushi mat and rolling it back and forth not he tables till all the hairs bond. You explain this several times. They grab handfuls of wool. They place large globs of it on the table and spray each other, the wool, the table, you, and the dirt with their water. A battle with dowels ensues. You confiscate them and speak firmly to the participants. They begin to sing a song about tacos.

By the end of the session everyone has something made of felt. 

You have deep seated concerns about your life path. 

The next session is better. Your explanation gets much shorter and more to the point. You take the squirt bottles away and there is far more felt. 

Lunch. You chew in anticipation of being totally overwhelmed but your flagging resolve make an unexpected appearance and you feel determination and nausea in equal parts. 

Group three. 

There is a grouping of 8 year old boys that worships speed. It is their god and cannot be parted from them. They nearly levitate and felt so vigorously that soap flies off the table in a cascade of foam and fervor. Their felt is bullet proof and can withstand a direct hit from a blacksmiths hammer. You are impressed even though it bears no resemblance to the instructions. 

Group four. 

You point in the direction of the supplies, tell them the most basic and brief version of the instructions and get the hell out of range. They are quiet. Restrained. The chat intelligently about memes and the rating system of cooties. They ask for permission before doing things and lament the soap laden quality of their foot wear. They clean up and thank you for the class and then, then they all leave. 

You are left a wreck of your former self. Hollowed out and wafting in the breeze in which a million long tubes are drying, resembling the early penis sheathes of an arctic tribe. 

You bid these husks adieu and slither home to sit in blissful quiet and gird yourself for the day to come.