Mar 1
i wasnt built for human connection honestly
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i wasnt built for human connection honestly
nobody talks enough about life as a girl with big boobs and a very small frame because every shirt that is meant to be a baby tee/form fitting just. sits on top of your tits like a shelf. and doesnt hug your waist at all. i may be winning in most departments but good god i need tailored fashion to come back and be the mainstream vro
꒰ ⋆ .⺌ welcome ⺌. ⋆ ꒱
🌙 | neurotic disordered sick angels blog
I’m an adult, i reblog, rant, ruminate, and ramble here.
that’s all for now, bye bye !
Left for a year and now my anxiety got 20x worst
Having a boyfriend is nice and all but ever since my ex absolutely abolished my view on love I literally think I lost the ability, and affection or words that are even related to attempting to loving me makes me cringe and annoyed. I’m quite conflicted and it’s frustrating. I’ve friend zoned this guy 3 times now but I always let him back in because he treated me so right I just didn’t feel right about him once he wanted to date me, but I’m not letting it happen again I’ll have to push through my issue with being loved right even if for some reason,now, it disgust me. I used to love loving someone I don’t know what happened.
What’s my problem
Do I have anxiety
Do I have commitment issues
"Listen, understand, then respond is the correct way to communicate. While hearing for answers is a waste of time."
Thoughts, Thoughts, Blog #7
Jealousy is a disease and I think I may be finally cured. When someone chooses you, trust them. Trust them until they do not choose you anymore. Then you will know how to choose yourself.
Recently I've been having such a huge issue with self-image and self esteem (lo and behold we are in the 7 day range of my menstrual cycle). My life had always been a game of comparison because to me, comparison was nothing but competition. And I was fueled by competition until my engine would eventually burst into flames. Every grade and soccer game and achievement award was earned by merit of comparing myself to those past me and following in their footsteps. However, not having competition in all areas of my life proves to be at my detriment.
Other women. Man, we are afraid to admit that we compare for fear of being labeled Queen of the Pick-Me's. But those fears are being taken advantage of and will run you into the ground if not treated with love, care, and understanding. I compare. Or, I did, as of today. A lot. But it kind've really struck me today as to why I had been so triggered by the notion in my current relationship as of late.
Back in high school, I had this boyfriend who I thought completely blindsided me when he broke up with me. Of course I was heartbroken to pieces as to what I thought was love, but was even more broken when I had discovered I had essentially been replaced by someone of a similar archetype. Short. Black. Pretty. Big Butt. I was typecasted and blacklisted from my starring role. Shit. And that's when I officially felt that it was a competition.
A few years later I would enter another relationship with a man who had established an even stronger typecasting when comparing me to his bitch ex girlfriend. Alas, I had an image to withhold. I became so afraid of the notion that I could be replaced by someone just a pinch prettier, just a pinch blacker, and just a pinch thicker than me. It became a race of insanity within my brain that only I could struggle with because it went against my moral obligation to be a girl's girl. I never wanted to be this way, but it was the life lesson apple that fell on top of my head for me to eventually discover the gravity of this situation today.
There had just been a specific person who was so triggering as an idea to me recently because all that I knew was that there was some sort of similarity in archetype and proximity. I hadn't even really interacted with her past instagram likes and the occasional...staking out the competition. But last night I had realized how ridiculous that notion was to me. Last night and this morning, I solved my jealousy. Hallelujah and amen, right? But that's why I'm not ashamed to blog about it now. My boyfriend chooses me everyday, and I choose him.
When there is a feeling within me, I never quite know how to feel it. It congeals and pressurizes inside of my chest and slowly struggles to seep itself back into the crack it made in my heart, but if you're not bleeding, then call a doctor because you're NOT HEALING.
Not everything is a competition and it is so much easier to thoroughly love the nature of others when I am no longer hypnotized by the idea of a threat.
I love you all, and don't be afraid to face your demons. You might find that they look just like you. Check out my other posts for more introspection.
Love.