calvin

can we have a little conversation? figure it out with no intoxication?

[novennium]

im such an obedient creature

[novennium]

im fucked

[novennium]

i wasnt built for human connection honestly

[novennium]

you only see me as a dumping ground to vent and talk about your relationship

i hate you but i need you and i know you need me too. i wonder if you hate me as well

[novennium]

i cant bring myself to be cruel to you. perhaps that is a flaw. we will ruin each other ultimately, but maybe thats what we both want

[novennium]

haha sorry for disappearing for 3 months were still chill right

[novennium]

abuse is a selfish word. none of you see how bad i get when he doesnt help me. youd all hate me if it werent for him, dont pretend youre not grateful as well

[novennium]

when he says some shit like "you deserve this" but i cant even argue

[novennium]

i hate fucking things up with you even though you always come back

[novennium]

if the price of being loved is hating myself then im not sure i want it at all

[novennium]

this whole situation is proof that people would be better if i left them or threw myself off a cliff

[novennium]

im so tired of pretending im not a horrible person

cant even bring myself to apologize

even though i know im in the wrong

no wonder people always leave

i wont be shocked when they do

too bad i have no way of just ending my shit before they drop me

that would probably be easier

for everyone

[novennium]

i often feel like an anthropologist studying humans instead of being one

[novennium]

i will waste my time begging for a love that others get handed to them naturally

the only palms to have ever cradled my face are calloused and rough, with fingertips that dig in too deep

i can close my eyes and dream of a softer touch, but my imagination has never been very strong

i am not worth your effort

i learned early not to ask for more

don't mistake my desperation for anything more than misery

[novennium]

i wonder if youre unable to look at me now because youre disgusted by what you do to me

or maybe youre disgusted by me because of what you turned me into

[novennium]

i hate watching the people i value get close to each other

im the one who introduced them to each other. how can i complain when they become close?

i feel sick

theyre acting as if im not even on call with them too, or maybe im reading too much into it. thats more likely, but i dont want to believe it

im terrified of them replacing me with each other

i need to cry but i dont want to be a baby on call and my dad will kick my ass if he sees

whats wrong with me lately

[novennium]

i think about the people who hurt me constantly

i wonder if they even remember that i exist