Welcome to the first trimester
Welcome to your first trimester. Trimester is from the latin tri: meaning three, and mester meaning monster. The three monsters every pregnant woman must face to achieve a baby. The three monsters are mental/emotional in nature, except for the third one. That one's physical, and it will eat your kneecaps.
You've gone and gotten pregnant (somehow), and now you're reaping the whirlwind. It's ok. I'm there to help. So sit back, drink some water (the only drink you're allowed to drink now), and read on.
At this point, your baby is as large as a grain of sand. You can picture yourself as an oyster. That irritating grain of sand has wedged itself into your mouth. It aches relentlessly. To alleviate the pain you gradually coat the sand with layer upon layer of pearl-stuff. Then one day you produce a pearl. The next day a man comes by and pries your head off to get at the pearl.
Having a baby is just like that. Almost identical. I can hardly tell the difference.
So you have a grain of sand baby irritating your innards into coating it with baby-enamel. It will eventually become a baby, but not today. No, you've got 1-2 years to deal with that invader of your personal space. Then you've got 18-60 years to deal with the aftermath: offspring.
During the early phases of pregnancy, you will likely experience 'morning sickness'. This is your body's way of rejecting your choice in reproductive partner. It's nothing personal, but really... him? I mean come on! Your mother warned you about him. I told you to consider Roger from down the road, but you said “No. I know what I'm doing.”
Clearly, you didn't. You're pregnant. The avian master race has infected you. Now you have morning sickness. Your body is rejecting your partner.
As you may expect this is likely to affect his self-esteem. Your body hates him. It's giving you headaches, and nausea, and vomiting, and hallucinations because it detests your choice in men (or women, for you pregnant men). The best thing you can do is to take it out on him (or her, but I'm going to assume that men can make the translation in their heads from here on out). Express your pain and suffering in insults and snarky remarks. Men love that. Be sure to nag at him. It shows you care. Perhaps most importantly, it shows that you still have anger emotions (which can be completely erased by pregnancy!) so you need to use them now! Before it's too late!
