i've been thinking a lot lately. and it occured to me reading the "5 lessons learned" section of AP magazine, where a label owner or something of the sorts talked about going out and making things happen. not to wait for things, you know? he talked about how high school students can't wait for their lives to start, but why not start it now? he started his first band at sixteen and got to tour, play shows, and experience a lot. being half a year to sixteen this got me thinking about the people around my age who have actually accomplished something. cured a disease, started a band, business, whatever. and here i am with a tumblr blog recently turned two, with under seventy followers and no particular knack for anything. i think i might change that. my friend, tumblr user thylajim, kind of just told me to pursue something and that as long as i accomplish something then that's what matters. even if i kind of, you know, fail. i think i'm going to do that. and if you feel a bit like this....you should too.
Imagine how much Jim must love the color blue. It reminds him of Bones. It reminds him of the sky on nights the stars peek out. He sees it in his eyes, he buries himself in Bones' shirts and hauls the doctor out to stargaze on those perfect days that turn into perfect nights. Imagine how much the color blue must make him happy n-n
imagine jim painting his quarters blue
he expected bones to be a little weirded out by it but bones got the biggest smile when he saw
when jim asked him why bones said that 'its the same shade of blue as your eyes darlin...'
"This can never last.", Leonard whispers in his ear, low and broken. This, Jim knows from a lifetime of living other people’s lives and fantasies, is what being in love feels like. Almost. Except that there’s war at the door, an ocean beneath the floorboards and a gun in the bottom drawer. "I know.", he answers, and says it in his head because he can.
jim knows it won’t last because nothing good ever does. most things in his life have a history of leaving—father; mother; brother; friends, lost to the unforgiving tarsus earth; even himself for a while (he’s still searching).
so he says nothing, still clinging to a sliver of hope. because saying something would turn the key and lock it away for good. this can never last and the voice in his head whispers i know. he feels the last pieces of his heart crumble away and maybe it should hurt but he just feels numb
jim slowly loosing weight, getting paler and paler as time goes on and bones just worries from the background, fussing over jim bc jim is still his best friend, but to jim, bones feels like knives beneath his skin were once he was sunlight and he cant bare bones touches now, or that of anyone else and so he slowly slips away from them, an unwitting suicide bc he knows his crew doesnt respect him and its only a matter of time before they force him to resign bc they think he's useless
it took jim passing out on the bridge for the crew to realize how serious his condition had become. he had always made an effort when he was slipping away, so they had thought it might have just been stress or a lack of sleep.
but when bones runs the tests over jim, he feels the blood draining out of his face. how could he call himself jim’s friend when he didn’t even notice that he was being consumed by a black hole.
when jim comes to in sickbay, bones is there at his side, holding his hand. im sorry im so fucking sorry. how did i not notice?
and jim pulls away. because bones would’ve had to be there to notice
and imagine him trying to maintain his friendship with bones but he knows the secret now; knows that bones only kept him for his own ends and it fractures his spine and spins him out of orbit because he knows now that he doesn't have any real friends and it isolates him until all he wants to be is /touched/ by someone friendly, but he shies away because he doesn't want to be hurt anymore bc everyone he knows thinks he's disgusting, now knows that he is /worthless/
jim keeps his distance now because every time he sees bones, the blade cutting the strings of his heart digs in a little deeper. he flinches and shies away like a terrified horse. and bones thinks well maybe after everything he just needs some space. the friendly touches stop and bones stays out of jim’s personal orbit.
jim is slowly drifting away from bones, the only thing that had kept him balanced and grounded. he’s floating away in the black and he’s powerless to stop it. why would anyone want to save him anyway? because he thought he was worthless before, but now that bones’ actions have confirmed it, it must really be true.
imagine jim kirk slowly breaking inside, little bits of his soul and heart flaking away, because he thinks he isn't good enough to be captain and he can't look at bones without hearing the worlds ; 'you gotta be kidding me' and how it broke his fucking heart because he now knows that even his best friend knows he's worthless
this whole time jim had thought bones was different. he thought maybe, just maybe, he had found someone who had believed in him, someone who saw past all his fuck ups. but he was wrong. it feels something like complete and utter betrayal and it hurts like nothing he’s ever felt before; it feels like someone has taken a knife to his beating heart and is slowly cutting the strings.
Special thanks to thylajim, who helped point me in the right direction <3
[Read on ao3] | [Inspired by this song]
The ocean fascinated Jim almost as much as space did.
Before joining Starfleet, he had never seen the ocean; in landlocked Iowa, the closest ocean was a thousand miles away. He had read about Earth’s oceans in school, which lead to afternoons at the public library researching undersea life, currents, deep-sea exploration--anything and everything he could get his hands on. Even in the 23rd century, the oceans were still a mystery. And yet, Jim always found himself thirsting for more knowledge.
But then Jim’s class moved on from ocean exploration to space exploration and Jim felt something like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle snap into place in his heart. Space was enigmatic. It was full of wondrous beauty, swirling nebulae, pillars of gas and debris building life, shining binary stars in carefully balanced orbit, blinking pulsars like lighthouses on the shoreline. It was also full of darkness, black holes to fall in if you weren’t careful, dark matter and energy humanity was still trying to comprehend. And always, always, it was full of death. Despite the death of his father and all the danger space represented, Jim was enraptured; dreams of serving on a silver ship bloomed like spring flowers in his mind.
Jim’s life had other plans (Tarsus, which might have broken his body, but never his spirit, though Frank tried), but the universe couldn’t keep him from his destiny for long. (I dare you to do better)
So after signing up for Starfleet and landing in San Francisco, he took the first opportunity presented and went to see the Pacific Ocean. It was his second day at the academy, and really he had only remembered that they were near the ocean because of an offhand comment his grumpy roommate--McCoy from the shuttle--had made.
They both ended up going down together, finding a narrow dirt path hidden amongst the trees that led down to an outcropping overlooking the waves pounding the rocks. A force like no other, water stripping away earth, Jim had a flash of reminder at how his interest had been piqued all those years ago.
McCoy, Jim noticed, stayed far away from the edges of the cliff. But Jim was bolder and went right to the crumbling edge, despite every protest from McCoy about falling to his death.
It was just after dinner. The sun was beginning to set, painting the sky as a pastel rainbow. The way the sunlight hit the water made it sparkle and as cliché as it was, the whole sunset over the ocean thing was truly spectacular. Even the cantankerous Georgian doctor, now roommate and something like a friend, looked more relaxed. Jim, on the other hand, was not impressed.
“That’s it?” he asked.
“Th-That’s it? What do you mean ‘that’s it’?” McCoy was flabbergasted; Jim wasn’t sure if he was glaring against the sun or glaring at him, but something about the way McCoy seemed personally offended on behalf of the ocean made Jim’s heart smile.
“That’s it? That’s the Pacific Ocean?”
The rate at which McCoy’s eyebrow shot up made Jim wonder if it was possible for it to fly off his face.
“The ocean is huge, it’s who knows how many goddamn miles-”
“63 million.”
“-teeming with life and all you have to say about it, is 'that’s it'?”
“Yup,” Jim said, popping the p. He stepped away from the outcropping, walked back over to where McCoy was standing with his arms crossed, and threw an arm around McCoy’s shoulders.
“You’re unbelievable, kid,” McCoy growled.
“McCoy,” Jim said slowly, testing the way the name sounded rolling off his tongue. He shook his head. It wasn’t quite right, but he had something better. “Bones, this is going to be a wonderful friendship.”
oOo
Over the course of their time at the academy, the outcropping became “their spot.” On days when one of them wanted to be alone with their thoughts (and more often than not, a bottle of Jack), they could be found on the cliff. Days when Jim was doubting if he could really finish in three years, when Bones was struggling with flight sims, Jim’s birthday, the anniversary of the day Bones’ divorce was finalized were all spent high above the crashing waves.
(They were never alone for long.)
At one point, they had even discovered a way to traverse down the cliff side ("Jim, you're gonna to break your fool neck an' I'm not gonna fix you" "Relax, Bones, this is perfectly safe") and there was a small cove with a beach all their own.
oOo
Not all days spent at the outcropping were heavy with negative emotions.
Occasionally, both of them needed a change of scenery after spending days studying for exams. Jim would swim in the surf, while Bones would lay out on the sand and attempt to read (Jim cutting through the water with powerful strokes was very distracting).
One day, after swimming, Jim stood on the shore in the shallow water while the waves crashed against his thighs.
“What are you doing?” Bones asked, walking towards Jim.
“Do you think, in another life, I could have been a bird?”
Bones sighed. “Oh great, you saw that ancient movie. That what you were doin’ when you had a “girl’s night” with Gaila yesterday?”
“Of course, Bones, it’s a classic!” Jim smiled without shame. “Wait--have you seen it? I didn’t think that’d be your type.”
Bones shrugged. “I was married, it’s a chick flick.” His eyes flicked down to his feet; he watched as a wave came and made the icy water rise up to his ankles before retreating. The cold sent a shiver up his spine and he grimaced before meeting Jim’s eyes again. He suddenly knew what was about to happen and he opened his mouth to protest, but it was too late.
“Say I’m a bird,” Jim parroted.
“No, Jim--”
“Say it, Bones, say I’m a bird!”
“You’re somethin’ alrigh--”
“Say it!”
“--you’re a moron, tha’s for sure.”
Jim’s smile turned from gleeful to mischievous and Bones felt himself go cold again, though this time it was from the anticipation. And before Bones could run, Jim bent down and used his hands to splash a wave towards him.
Bones cried out as the freezing water drenched the front of him. “Oh, you little shit! It’s on!”
Jim may have been at the top of their class in hand to hand, but Bones tackling him in the waves definitely took him by surprise.
oOo
They spent New Year’s together on their beach.
The party Jim was at hadn’t felt much like a party when the only person he wanted to be with wasn’t there. But Bones had his own party for medical cadets to go to and Jim had other friends, so they both went their separate ways.
When he looked over his shoulder waiting for the sarcastic comment from Bones on the state of the party for at least the fiftieth time, Jim figured it was time for him to head out. It seemed too early to go back to an empty dorm, so he headed towards the outcropping and picked his way through the rocks to the beach.
And to Jim’s delight, Bones was sitting there on the sand.
“What’re you doing?” Jim called out as he walked over to sit next to him.
Bones’ head snapped up and he dropped the fistful of sand he had been letting run through his fingers. “Jesus, Jim! Warn a guy.”
“Sorry,” Jim said, not sounding it at all. “Thought you had a party to be at.”
Bones scoffed. “Kid, anyone ever tell you that medical cadets are as dull as dishwater?”
Jim knocked his shoulder against Bones’. “Eh, I know one that’s alright. Kinda grumpy though.”
Bones couldn’t help but snort at that. “Thanks,” he said, knocking his shoulder back against Jim’s.
“Who said I was talking about you? Maybe I meant Christine Chap--OW, hey!” Before Jim could finish, Bones had pushed him over.
“Infant.” But the half-hearted insult was ruined by the hint of a smile.
They were soon lost in their own little world, isolated on their beach and oblivious to the celebrating going on everywhere else. They talked about what the new year would bring and their future in the stars.
And before they knew it, fireworks were exploding over their heads.
“Oh, I guess it’s midnight,” Jim said, turning towards Bones and involuntarily leaning in closer, causing their foreheads to bump.
“Looks that way,” Bones murmured, his breath ghosting over Jim’s face.
“Happy New Year’s, Bones,” Jim whispered.
“Happy New Year’s, Jim,” Bones whispered back before pressing his lips to Jim’s.
Their kiss had more sparks than the fireworks.
oOo
Starfleet missions brought Jim and Bones a lot of great stories to tell over the years. But if you were to ask them both what their favorite memory was, they’d just link hands and smile.
