#time changes things

[creatingnikki]

It’s September again and I have a friend, a guy friend. And it doesn’t feel wrong or dirty or that we are using ‘friend’ as a moral coverup for something so not okay. And I am having oranges again, two for breakfast, three before bed. It’s September again and my favourite authors are releasing new books and I am forming a more organised system for annotating books I like the experience of reading, of devouring. It’s September again and I am getting to know a person who I want to nickname my green sapling because I can already feel myself beginning to heal in his presence. It’s September again and there are more strands of white hair than I thought I’d have at twenty seven and this time it is just being accepted as a little misery of life instead of hating myself and my body. I have given up on trying to eat with chopsticks and giving new kdramas a try; it’s September again and I keep going back to old favourites that comfort my heart and make me laugh. 11:11 wishes are now more for others than for me; this September I am learning to draw boundaries and accept that I am things other than just a pleasing person. Saying no, not showing up, not responding—without giving elaborate reasons. If you don’t understand my no, I don’t owe you a five-page explanation or application. It’s September again and I am wearing red and yellow on my wrist and clarity on my heart’s desires—this September, I feel as light and crisp as a leaf that has decided to let go and go with the flow.

[notyourmamasspoons]

heya ppl make mistakes and so do you.

[diary-of-whats-and-whys]

“You swore we’d be one forever

But time has once again changed the beating of our hearts

And though I still love and long for your touch

You crave the freedom and embrace of another

To not be near you has proven difficult a task

My mind and soul forever search for you

But the time has come for me to put these feelings to rest

To finally catch a glimpse of the world outside your doors

Where I can bask in the sun

Cause I’d rather be alone but loved

Than with you drowning in a bottomless pit of roses”

— Diary-of-whats-and-whys

[glitterboob]

Over time I transitioned from books to drugs. I used both for the same reason:

to escape.

[creatingnikki]

I look at our picture from a year ago and not only do I not recognize “us” but also the woman I used to be. She had long hair and a softer face and she believed the words of men like you if they used just the right analogies and punctuated well and kissed her on the forehead. She drank four bottles of wine with strangers and walked in the rain with internet friends she was meeting for the first time exploring a new city and all its bookstores. She had so much hope despite being disappointed and dejected and hurt. She was forgiving and she was patient, a good listener. She wanted to hear what haunted you and she wanted to know how she could help you as you healed. She was eager, she was excited, she was open to all the experiences life still had in store for her. And us? We were kind to each other, we respected each other, and we wanted to kiss and kiss and kiss. 

Now? The woman I am now...she has short hair, sharper eyes, and a more restrained smile. She will not drink more than two glasses of wine and she will not care for strangers. She has very little hope and no time to explore even home. She does not want to listen to your life’s story and she doesn’t want to help in anyway. She will not forgive and she will not overthink it. She talks in third person sometimes for poetry. 

And us? There is no us because the next time you text me, I will pretend like you never existed. Harsh? Not quite. And so much more kinder than doing what you did to me. 

[smartbyrd01]

I'm just sour patch adulting over here...

Sweet on the outside,

Sour and a lil' bitter on the inside.

[creatingnikki]

Sometimes, you meet people in summer. You talk to them all night and be with them all day. Sometimes, you be with them all the time so as to eradicate any difference between day and night. You're fun. You take risks. You say to hell with to restrictions and anything that bounds you and your desires. But then it ends. Summer ends. You go back to your school, college, work or whatever it is that sucks you back into a routine. A life where you have work to do and goals to achieve. You can't stay up all night anymore. You can't meet them everyday. You can't say hell to your targets and tests. Did you change? No. Time changed, like it always does.

[back-to-neverlaaand]

Its the little things I'd forgotten in those days, the time when I was lonely and I felt it, in different ways When there was no off button and I couldnt stop the rain, I felt so dissapointed, vulnerable Yet no one knew, I was in pain And some days I couldnt keep my head above the waves All my cares and joyful thoughts trapped, in their caves And even now time is taking its sweet time Erasing you from my memory Your still a dream, a melody

Above the Waves