What exactly is empathy?
Back with more Nate meta - shocker! At a basic level, empathy is about widening our perspective to understand where someone is coming from. It doesn’t mean actions taken are acceptable or justified, but it’s an exercise in looking for insight and extending compassion. One thing I’ve noticed can go missing in analysis of Nate’s choices is the limited POV he has throughout the show. People are quick to judge him for his reasoning in the latter half of S2 without recognizing that he’s missing crucial insights, often because he is not in the scene which would provide it. I want to highlight a few examples that I think show this limited POV and, hopefully, indicate where he deserves some grace.
Of course, a straightforward example of this is the picture Nate gave to Ted for Christmas. Nate couldn’t help but notice it’s not hanging in Ted’s office, and that became emblematic to Nate of the abandonment he was feeling. We the viewers know that Ted has the picture on his bedroom dresser next to his picture of Henry. Nate doesn’t know this; he has a limited POV, so in my view it’s a lot kinder and more empathetic to give him grace on that one. But what tends to happen is that a detail like that gets sublimated into justification to continue criticizing Nate. For instance, instead of feeling sorry for Nate, feeling compassion for his limited perspective in that moment, the thinking becomes judgemental and defensive: Why should Ted display it in his office? Ted doesn’t owe Nate that. Nate needs to get over himself.
People tend to be similarly hard on Nate for the moment in 2x11 when he says, “There we go. Give Ted another idea he’ll take all the credit for.” We have a wider perspective than Nate does. We know that Ted doesn’t take the credit; in fact, Ted credited Nate for his decoy play back in 1x03. It’s a great moment that shows us Ted’s integrity - he doesn’t take the credit for that, even when Trent Crimm is audibly horrified that Ted would entrust such a thing to the kit man. It adds to our growing love for Ted as a character.
But crucially, Nate doesn’t hear a lick of it. Nate is yards away kicking dog shit off the field. His POV is limited in the scene, so he entirely misses that lovely moment of Ted giving him the credit. We’re also privy to the article Trent writes at the end of the episode, and he doesn’t mention in there that Nate came up with the play. Why would Nate have any idea that Ted gives him the credit?
“That’s the job, son,” Roy says to Nate. Putting aside that they’re roughly the same age, so it’s more than a little condescending, this comment from Roy doesn’t address the void Nate’s feeling of validation and approval from Ted. In 2x12, Nate says, “And I... I worked my ass off, trying to get your attention back. To prove myself to you. To make you like me again.” I wish people would take these words at face value instead of using them to continue justifying uncharitable readings of Nate’s behaviour. I wish more people would put themselves in Nate’s shoes and imagine for a moment what it felt like to be in the sunlight of Ted’s kind, supportive attention in S1 only to feel like he’d done something to lose it. Imagine wondering what you did wrong to lose the attention and care of the kindest, sweetest man you’ve had the fortune of meeting. Nate is feeling Ted’s absence so keenly by the time he lets it all out in 2x12. He feels invisible and occasionally even outright replaced. Ted laughs at the idea of him being a big dog, and god, that has to sting so much, and then he brings Roy in as coach. People are quick to gloss over this moment, but it’s a crucial one for understanding how twisted up Nate is starting to feel. If he truly thinks Ted doesn’t like him anymore, then imagine what it felt like for him to be the subject of Ted’s laughter and for Ted to subsequently bring in someone he wouldn’t laugh at? And in the episodes following, Ted’s giving Roy the attention Nate craves as the wins pile up, and to top it off, those wins are largely attributed to the Roy Kent Effect.
Ted isn’t there for Nate’s big moment of glory in 2x06. We know why he wasn’t because we got a lot of Ted’s backstory. Nate didn’t. He has no idea what Ted’s going through. One big takeaway from the show is that we don’t know what the people in our lives are going through, and that’s another reason to be kind and empathetic to each other. So yes maybe Nate should have been able to connect some of the dots, particularly once Ted confessed he’d had a panic attack. Maybe he could have given Ted some grace, but clearly Nate was going through some of his own toxic stuff that made him miss a few things, just like Ted. And really, it’s not like people are giving Nate grace given what we know of his struggles. Nate doesn’t realize the extent of Ted’s mental health struggles because Ted doesn’t let him in on it, just like Ted doesn’t realized the extent of Nate’s feelings of abandonment.
One moment I find so brilliant for highlighting just how much Nate wanted specifically Ted’s validation and approval (to make you like me again) is the fact that Roy gives Nate credit and validation for his big win. He tells Rebecca the win was all Nate (but, crucially, Nate isn’t in the room for that) and then afterward he says, “Oy, Nate, great fucking work today.” I think to Nate it feels more like getting validation from a friend or brother. It’s the kind of thing we like to imagine will make a difference and build us up, but usually it doesn’t quite do the trick, not when it isn’t coming from the person we most want it from - in Nate’s case, Ted, and on a deeper level, his father.
In 1x07, when Ted is at one of his lowest points in the series, he lashes out at Nate. We know why he did. We understand that he has to sign his divorce papers, to essentially quit his marriage, which kicks up a bunch of his emotional triggers around quitting due to feeling like his father abandoned him. We also know he’d been drinking. So, we give Ted plenty of grace in that moment because we have the full picture. Nate doesn’t. Of course, Ted apologizes for treating Nate like that the next time he sees him and Nate forgives him instantly. It’s a lovely moment that again showcases what a thoughtful character Ted is, that he can earnestly apologize. But it’s also a lovely moment that shows Nate’s capacity for understanding and forgiveness when he’s been wronged.
As has been discussed a lot since the end of S2 aired, this conversation outside the locker room in 1x07 is the last time Ted and Nate have a one-on-one conversation before the scene in 2x12. I think it’s easy to overlook this turning point in their relationship and to think that everything’s been patched up in the apology, but the damage from that moment in front of Ted’s hotel room is substantial. I did everything I could to make you like me again. I can’t help feeling like Nate looks back on that night in Liverpool and feels that was the moment everything changed, the moment the attention started to shift, when Ted stopped liking him.
I wish more people would extend to Nate the same compassion we gave Ted following his angry outburst at Nate in 1x07. We all make meaning from the limited perspective we have. Nate was lacking important insight throughout much of S1 and S2, and that was compounded by feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. And I think when it comes down to it, Ted knows exactly how that feels. Empathy widens perspective. Ted’s not going to bask in schadenfreude; he’s going to extend empathy and compassion because he gets where Nate is coming from. He won’t take his pain out on Nate, even though Nate did that to him, and if we admire Ted’s capacity for forgiveness and understanding, this is the test of our own.
I hope fandom can rise to the occasion in S3.
