Why? - Jim Kirk Tos x Reader
Warnings - sad lovesick Kirk. Guilty reader. Fluff, Angst.
"Jim am I right when I say that Y/n L/n is my new second hand?" McCoy asked a little to excitedly rushing onto the bridge. Kirk looked at the doctor exasperated. Dreading what is coming. "Yes bones." "The Y/n L/n? Your Y/n?" Kirk looked down from him hating what he is about to say, "She's not mine bones you know that." "Who is Y/n" Spock asked turning in his chair expectantly.
"A woman I used to know; she has been transferred onto Enterprise." Mcoy scoffed, going to Spock leaning on his workstation. "Used to know please; they were engaged. She broke it off after they learned their stations." "Thank you, McCoy, don't you have a booboo to cure." Spock now naturally curious, "Why would you bring her onto the ship if you can't even talk about her?" "It wasn't my idea Mr. Spock now everyone back to your stations."
A few days went by, and Kirk was getting more anxious by the minute. When you broke things off was, he angry? Yes. Was he heartbroken? More than anyone would ever know. What got to him the most was that she never told him why. If she would have found another man, he would have been pissed. Overly pissed. He would have wanted to burn the world down, but if you were happy and he means truly happy he would have given you up.
But to his knowledge you were perfectly happy. So why? Why would you give up something so perfect. He never stopped loving you. He tried, God did he try but he knew in the back of his mind no women compared to you. The day finally came, and he made pleasantries with your old captain and retrieved and brought you to the ship. All the while you have not looked up at his eyes once. He only the other hand could not stop staring. The guilt you felt was extramental. You wanted to envelop him in a hug and a kiss telling him how sorry you were. You wanted to explain everything. You knew however that the damage has been done. It's too late.
He showed you around the ship, with a heavy heart. It was awkward, painful, and just not right the way you guys are now. You were supposed to be the only staple in his life and now he barely knows you.
"This is your quarters." "It's bigger than my old ships. Thank you, sir." There is it is 'sir' that is how you have been addressing him all day. he hated it. 'Sir' is something you say to the boss you hate. Not the man you love. He sighed saying his goodbye and leaving her to settle in.
They went their separate ways to their individual quarters both once they walked in and door closed. They broke down for the other. Guilt building for them both. Her guilt for her mistake, him for the fact that he pushed her away somehow.
The next day Y/n went to her shift tired from the night before. McCoy watched her in curiosity. The question on why you would break things of with their captain plagued his mind. He knew you just as well as he knew Kirk. You guys grew up together, you went to academy together. He knew how much you were in love with him. So why? "So why you do it?" He asked out of the blue. "Why did I do what?" "Don't play dumb Y/n, why did you break things off with Jim?" "Leonard, please can we not." "It just doesn't make sense. Was there another man?" "No of course not!" "Ok, then did he have another woman?" "No - I don't know, I don't think so. Why?" "No reason just the women throw themselves at him." "Women throw themselves at him?" "No."
Little did they know Jim was outside the door listening to them. He wanted to see her. Honestly, he was just going to go small talk with Bones so that way he could see you without seeing you. Then a knock came from the door frame. Jim stood there stoically; Y/n looked down. "May we have the room Bones?" "Sure, not like it's my med bay but go ahead have your squabbles." He left with a grumble, "Thank you" Jim called from down the hall. "Hi." He said coming across from her leaning against the examination bed. "Hi." She said not looking up.
"Y/n please look at me." She looked up with worried eyes. Her beautiful eyes that have lodged themselves into his memory. He has not looked into her eyes in so long. God did he miss them. "Why?" he asked simply in almost a pleading tone. Hell, he was pleading he was wondering this for years. He broke over this simple question he needs the answer. "Oh Jim, I'm sorry. I'm so unbelievably sorry." "Please - Please Y/n just tell me." His voice breaking, tears etched his eyes as if threats to fall. "I'm a coward, that's why. I, I thought if you and I would get married it all would have fallen apart somehow. So, I just beat time to it."
"Why, why on God's green Earth would you think that!?" "Because Jim you are the most handsome man I have ever met. I knew that you would go to these planets and women would be just jumping at the chance. I knew that you would go on these missions, and you would have been getting hurt and what if you would have ended up on my operating table. Huh?" "She sobbed looking away. He came up and held her by the shoulders, shaking her lightly just emphasize what he was saying. "You should have had faith, faith in the man that loved you. Faith in the man that loves you."
"Jim I'm so sorry I loved you. I have always loved you. I was so scared. I don't expect you to forgive me. If you have another woman now, I will completely understand. I know you're not mine anymore Jim. I just want you to be happy." His hand travelled from her shoulders down her arms lightly giving her tingles. they have not been in each other's arms in so long. So long. He brought her arms up to his neck where they stayed. He leaned in closer looking down at the beautiful girl that took away his breath. wrapping his arms around her waist. never breaking eye contact.
"Y/n there is no other women, there never was, there never will be. I love you I always loved you. I want you. Please Y/n say you want me back." He whispered leaning his forehead on hers. "I love you" she whispered, "but you don't deserve me. You're too good." She whispered back. "But I need you. Please my dear put your worries aside." He leaned down connecting their lips in a starved kiss. A kiss that they waited to have again. A kiss that put the others to shame. An addicting, starved, hungry kiss.