Sit down and let me teach you a lesson
So the father of my half-sister came into my life when I was three years old. He was no substitude for my real father, because I knew my dad and loved him very much.
In my childhood, everything was alright. Except for the fact that the seperation of my parents really injured me mentally. But I’ve always been an optimistic human being, so I just sat that out somehow.
When I hit puberty, things changed. My stepfather changed. In puberty, I became more and more insecure about me and my body, and he pushed that. He began telling me that I was dumb, fat and ugly, not that straightforward, but he did. He gave me the feeling of being worthless. He kept telling me which goals I would not reach in my life.
I reached every one of them. I was the smartest in my class. I wasn’t fat.
He behaved terribly in public. He was loud. In restaurants he complained about stupid little things. Or just leaved the lokal with very much drama, and my mom, my sister and me had to follow. He started to abuse me and my mom in public, for the most stupid things.
I began to hate him. He felt that and started to limit my and my moms freedom. No internet. We weren’t allowed to start the dishwasher or washmashine without his permition. He always accemtuate that everything in our househould is his property. He broke his own rules. Always gave us orders but never did something by himself.
I became to act like a soldier when he was home. Things I did in my room I stopped immediately when I heard his heavy steps coming near to my room. I stayed up at nights he had fights with my mom to make sure he wouldn’t sneek into her or my or my sisters room and hurt some of us. Always on the watch. Always quietly sneaking around him, so he wouldnt recognize me. I hid. Sometimes he didn’t even see me when he came into my room to check if I am home yet. I became an intruder in my own home.
He read my diary when I was at school. Things I’ve written about my mom and her strange behaviour he interpreted horribly wrong. He formed facts for his own advantage. I burned pages of my diary that may have could cause trouble.
Even when my mom, after 13 long years, decided to move out, it didn’t stopped. He don’t wanted us to leave his sphere of influence. Argued about things my mom owned, thinking it were his. Tried everything to prolong our move.
But then we did it. We left him.
If you were born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire.
I felt the scars he has left first when we finally lived in our new home. Even he wasn’t there anymore, I always did things myself asking: “Does that not give him any reasons to attack me?” I first realized how limited we has been, and how insecure I really became in all those years.
Maybe the first time in my life, family trips were fun. Going to a restaurant suddenly wasn’t a horror trip anymore. I am free now. Thats how it feels.
I am strong. I’ve always been. I can find positive things on everything and am very passionate. But this shit hits me hard. I’ve cried lately because he invited us for a meal because of the grammar school graduation of my sister. I didn’t wanted to go with him. I didn’t even wanted to get nearer than five meters to him this evening. I could’nt stand it. Is this an anxiety?
My mom asked me if I need proffesional help. I said no. I can handle myself, I know that. I just... I just can’t get near him anymore.
But I’ve learned three important things:
1. Things change.
2. If you live something to long, you aren’t the one to decide anymore if it’s ‘normal’.
3. If there is a toxic person in your life, kick it the fuck out.
I had no chance. I could not escape from him, because I was a child.
But I will never do this mistake again.
I’ve learned my lesson.
