Sluttiest Tolkien Character Bracket: WINNER ANNOUNCEMENT!
Well, the votes are in… and the winner of the @tolkienpinupcalendar's Sluttiest Tolkien Character Bracket is……
(drumroll please.....)
🎉🎉🎉 Sauron (Silm) 🎉🎉🎉
(art by @ylieke, remixed with love by @bellejolras)
Thank you so much to everyone who participated in this bracket with us over the past 7 weeks!!! We’ve loved seeing you all fight for your blorbos in the replies and share the most unhinged of propaganda with us. We look forward to more events with you all, followers & friends old and new (there may in fact be an all-Sauron bracket in the works.. 👀 stay tuned for more on that!)
multiple flirty court twink phases in different courts….and let’s knot forget his werewolf phase
Annatar isn’t called “stupid sexy sauron” for nothing!!!!
is described literally as having "seduced" two men to do his bidding (ar-pharazon and celebrimbor) and was seduced in turn by morgoth. he's being passed around middle earth.
i mean. come on.
He was seduced by the mightiest vala and, after his sugar daddy ended up in jail, he decided to seduce his way into power. He destroyed and entire civilization and made God™ change the geography of the world just by seducing one guy, who ended up "infatuated by him" (Tolkien's words, not mine). How can anyone compete with that?
Come on, it’s Mairon. Sexiest Maia on Middle-Earth and described as beautiful and seductive more times then Luthien herself.
He’s a seducer! He has seduced so many people throughout the series
#there is only one Sluttiest Character™#and he does not share power
Finwe:
Listen...I wouldn't fuck him, but he's the only canonical elf who could reasonably be accused of sluttiness, LaCE compliant
The only elf to canonically have two spouses. Also, the dude had five kids when all the other Unbegotten Elves had 1-3 (Elwë & Luthien, Ingwë & Ingwion. Olwë had 3 kids). Also also, he basically let his kids do whatever they wanted, even withholding a scolding when Kid #1 pointed a sword at Kid #3. It seems like Finwë just had kids for the sake of Doing The Do with his wife and having a big family for no canonical reason.
Literally petitioned the Valar to change the law to allow him to marry again
#the gods literally rewrote elven law because of this guy's dick. cmon. #he couldn't keep it in his pants to save his (or miriel's) life
#he changed the history of the elves by not being able to leave his d in his pants #like he didn't have some special power or a world changing plan he just wanted to do the deed lmao
#channeling my inner valinorean aristocrat hearing of the noldor king's scandalous remarriage for the first time and voting finwe
#guys PLZ finwe was the first slut he invented it
#we gotta respect the OG #known mostly for fathering kids with multiple women?!
#i barely go here and dven I know finwe deserves this
#if he hadn't been that big of a slut the silmarillion never happened they way it did
@tolkienpinupcalendar has decided to wade into the fray and create it's own bracket! In November, the bracket will go live but for right now we are taking submissions! Do you have a character you think is the sluttiest? Share it here!
The form allows you to submit a name, the media the character is from, propaganda (why you think they are the sluttiest), and images! And you can of course submit more than one character.
We look forward to seeing who you think is the sluttiest!
Mods,
@the-girl-with-the-algebra-book and @frosticenow
Sluttiest Tolkien Character: THE SEMIFINALS (Round 6)
Finwe vs Turin
art by @fil3t ; @redreyenotarget
Who is sluttier?
Finwe
Turin
Voting ended onDec 13, 2024
Propaganda under the cut ↓
Finwe:
Listen...I wouldn't fuck him, but he's the only canonical elf who could reasonably be accused of sluttiness, LaCE compliant
The only elf to canonically have two spouses. Also, the dude had five kids when all the other Unbegotten Elves had 1-3 (Elwë & Luthien, Ingwë & Ingwion. Olwë had 3 kids). Also also, he basically let his kids do whatever they wanted, even withholding a scolding when Kid #1 pointed a sword at Kid #3. It seems like Finwë just had kids for the sake of Doing The Do with his wife and having a big family for no canonical reason.
Literally petitioned the Valar to change the law to allow him to marry again
#the gods literally rewrote elven law because of this guy's dick. cmon. #he couldn't keep it in his pants to save his (or miriel's) life
#he changed the history of the elves by not being able to leave his d in his pants #like he didn't have some special power or a world changing plan he just wanted to do the deed lmao
#channeling my inner valinorean aristocrat hearing of the noldor king's scandalous remarriage for the first time and voting finwe
#guys PLZ finwe was the first slut he invented it
#we gotta respect the OG #known mostly for fathering kids with multiple women?!
#i barely go here and dven I know finwe deserves this
Turin:
he’s got more hoes than names. almost everybody he meets immediately wants to fuck him. man or woman, elf or human, noldo or sinda, none are immune to joining his army of simps. elves don’t even care if he’s a doom magnet bc he’s just too irresistible to them. they’ll choose his hot human ass over wisdom any day. both a father and his daughter want him. elves see him and immediately forget about the laws and customs. WHO else is doing it like him?
#EVERYONE who met turin wanted him #wherever he went he got people fucked over because they were so Down Bad for him
#androg was not Like That over turin and beleg for turin not to win
#turin’s sluttiness has a body count both ways
#turin’s so irresistible he banged his own sister #granted neither knew they were siblings #but dude had everyone ready to risk it all(and die horribly usually because of it) for him
every single elf Túrin meets either wants to adopt him or get in his pants. everyone who fucks him dies horribly, but #worthit. an engaged couple broke up because they both wanted a piece of that hot human ass. his dick caused the fall of a kingdom. literally so sexy he caused political turmoil. he died young but he made every slutty, slutty year count. he’s also pretty heavily queer coded, as close to bisexual as you can get in a story written in 1917.
Sluttiest Tolkien Character: THE SEMIFINALS (Round 6)
Sauron (Silmarillion) vs Gandalf
art by @ylieke
Who is sluttier?
Sauron (Silmarillion)
Gandalf
Voting ended onDec 13, 2024
Propaganda below the cut ↓
Sauron (Silmarillion) propaganda:
multiple flirty court twink phases in different courts….and let’s knot forget his werewolf phase
Annatar isn’t called “stupid sexy sauron” for nothing!!!!
is described literally as having "seduced" two men to do his bidding (ar-pharazon and celebrimbor) and was seduced in turn by morgoth. he's being passed around middle earth.
i mean. come on.
He was seduced by the mightiest vala and, after his sugar daddy ended up in jail, he decided to seduce his way into power. He destroyed and entire civilization and made God™ change the geography of the world just by seducing one guy, who ended up "infatuated by him" (Tolkien's words, not mine). How can anyone compete with that?
Come on, it’s Mairon. Sexiest Maia on Middle-Earth and described as beautiful and seductive more times then Luthien herself.
He’s a seducer! He has seduced so many people throughout the series
Gandalf:
he got those big naturals out. need i say more? 😏
Gandalf was constantly disappearing to go hook up with other wizards when he should have been helping the Dwarfs. Why would he disappear so frequently if not to go get his dick wet?
Listen...I wouldn't fuck him, but he's the only canonical elf who could reasonably be accused of sluttiness, LaCE compliant
The only elf to canonically have two spouses. Also, the dude had five kids when all the other Unbegotten Elves had 1-3 (Elwë & Luthien, Ingwë & Ingwion. Olwë had 3 kids). Also also, he basically let his kids do whatever they wanted, even withholding a scolding when Kid #1 pointed a sword at Kid #3. Seems like Finwë just had kids for the sake of Doing The Do with his wife and having a big family for no canonical reason.
Literally petitioned the Valar to change the law to allow him to marry again
Sauron (RoP):
Annatar isn’t called “stupid sexy sauron” for nothing!!!!
is described literally as having "seduced" two men to do his bidding (ar-pharazon and celebrimbor) and was seduced in turn by morgoth. he's being passed around middle earth.
He was seduced by the mightiest vala and, after his sugar daddy ended up in jail, he decided to seduce his way into power. He destroyed and entire civilization and made God™ change the geography of the world just by seducing one guy, who ended up "infatuated by him" (Tolkien's words, not mine). How can anyone compete with that?
His name is literally Daddy and we know why ;) His whole deal is looking gorgeous and traumatized and falling in love with his worst enemies (Sauron to Galadriel to Elrond and on and on.) Besides, who doesn't love a man (Uruk) covered in black blood? Adar could get it, in both Joseph Mawle and Sam Hazeldine forms, but we admire Hazeldine for committing so fully to the "single dad newly divorced and ready to FUCK" version of the character in season 2. And who doesn't love a devoted father?
god just look at him. that man gets pegged
Turin:
he’s got more hoes than names. almost everybody he meets immediately wants to fuck him. man or woman, elf or human, noldo or sinda, none are immune to joining his army of simps. elves don’t even care if he’s a doom magnet bc he’s just too irresistible to them. they’ll choose his hot human ass over wisdom any day. both a father and his daughter want him. elves see him and immediately forget about the laws and customs. WHO else is doing it like him?
#EVERYONE who met turin wanted him #wherever he went he got people fucked over because they were so Down Bad for him
#androg was not Like That over turin and beleg for turin not to win
Totally unhinged. Unrestrained and without any shame. Will gladly take their pleasure whenever the opportunity to do so strikes, and without thinking twice.
Hunting party? sounds like it gets the blood racing, and what better way to get the adrenaline out than a forest orgy (i have read a lot of fics like this lmao)
Riding with Oromë is probably the quickest way to get involved in fertility rites in ancient Aman, yanno? Plus, BLOND in a family of brunettes/redheads, he's sure to stand out.
(art by tuuliky on dA)
Finwe:
Listen...I wouldn't fuck him, but he's the only canonical elf who could reasonably be accused of sluttiness, LaCE compliant
The only elf to canonically have two spouses. Also, the dude had five kids when all the other Unbegotten Elves had 1-3 (Elwë & Luthien, Ingwë & Ingwion. Olwë had 3 kids). Also also, he basically let his kids do whatever they wanted, even withholding a scolding when Kid #1 pointed a sword at Kid #3. Seems like Finwë just had kids for the sake of Doing The Do with his wife and having a big family for no canonical reason.
Literally petitioned the Valar to change the law to allow him to marry again
#the gods literally rewrote elven law because of this guy's dick. cmon. #he couldn't keep it in his pants to save his (or miriel's) life
#he changed the history of the elves by not being able to leave his d in his pants #like he didn't have some special power or a world changing plan he just wanted to do the deed lmao
#channeling my inner valinorean aristocrat hearing of the noldor king's scandalous remarriage for the first time and voting finwe
