#trans neil

[chaoticas-hell]

Todays Neil's birthday

Todays also international transgender day of visibility

Do you see what Im putting down?

TRANS NEIL

[bipolykevintruther]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard Characters: Neil Josten, Andrew Minyard, Renee Walker (All For The Game), Allison Reynolds (All For The Game) Additional Tags: trans!andrew, Trans Andrew Minyard, agender/greygender!neil, Minor Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker, Nonbinary Character, nonbinary!renee, trans!allison, Agender Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Female Character, Demisexuality, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Transgender, transgender character, Gender Issues, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Genderqueer Character, gender euphoria, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Smut, like really light yall, barely there, really only there to get across that Andrew is trans Series: Part 2 of Stickball Junkies, Part 5 of Trans/Genderqueer AU Fics Summary:

Neil was facing forward, worrying at his lip and staring at nothing. Andrew waited patiently, offering his hand palm up in silent support. Neil laced their fingers together without hesitation.

“How did you know you were trans?” he finally asked, squeezing Andrew’s hand minutely.

“Do you mean when did I first feel like something wasn’t quite right with my gender, or when I finally came across the term transgender and put it all together?”

The redhead’s brow furrowed and his bite on his lip intensifying.

“I guess I mean more like… what does gender feel like for you and how is it different from the gender you were assigned at birth?” Neil’s voice went up at the end, as if he wasn’t totally sure that was what he’d meant either.

 (Or: Neil has a post-coital discussion with his trans boyfriend Andrew about gender feels)

[evablu-ita]

Has anybody written an aftg fanfic with the same premise as the original but with Neil being trans? Cause I'd love to read that

[knox-knocks]

trans andreil is something that can be so personal

[writingpuddle]

The other night best friend and I (yes, that best friend) were riffing on trans Neil headcanons over the phone, but a realistic trans treatment of aftg gets dark real fast, so without further ado:

~The Mafia May Be Sexist (But It’s Not Transphobic!) AU ~

(tmmbsbintau, if you will)

Does this premise make sense? No, but if Nora can write about made up mafia sports, I can write a nonsense AU where transphobia doesn’t exist okay this is my party and ill be self-indulgent if i want to

We open with baby Neil, who was named after his maternal grandmother or smthg idk

Now lets say Neil is one of those “I always knew I was trans” kids

So even at a fairly young age he was like, nope this is wrong

For the most part his dad basically ignores him (what use is a girl to me???) but if he makes the mistake of getting in the way it’s the usual shit with knives and hot irons and basically Neil’s bog-standard Traumatic Childhood

His mom signs him up to play Exy to get him out of the house, and he loves it, because of course he does

Now tiny Neil may be terrified of his father

But remember transphobia isn’t real

So he when he’s about ten years old he tells his parents over dinner

His mom just puts her fork down and says that’s alright

But Nathan

Nathan

Nathan’s eyes start to glow

He has a son? Not a useless daughter?

He’s practically levitating with glee

And Neil, poor Neil, who has never had any positive reinforcement—from either parent, Mary, you’re not innocent in this—he soaks it up

Nathan puts both hands on his son’s—his son’s!—shoulders and dubs him Nathaniel

His son, his heir, his legacy

Mary takes one look at the possessive look in her husband’s eyes and thinks oh hell no

For the next few days Nathan absolutely showers Nathaniel with affection

He takes him to the hairdresser and buys him a whole new wardrobe, neglecting his mafia duties in order to dote upon his new son

It is possibly the happiest week of Nathaniel’s life

And then he wakes up in the night with his mother’s hand on his mouth and is given less than a minute to pack his things

Now he’s grown up in a criminal household; the notion of making a run for it isn’t exactly foreign to him

But it’s not until they’re in the car that Nathaniel realizes that his father is nowhere to be seen

Where’s dad? He asks

Shut up, his mother hisses, and slams the car into gear

From then on, he is never Nathaniel

His mother is 100% on board with his transition, but…not really anything beyond that

After all, people will be looking for a woman and a trans boy, which means Mary’s investment in Neil’s gender pretty much starts and ends with him passing as cis

She gets him all the medical treatments he needs (on the black market, since they’re on the run)—puberty blockers when he’s younger, testosterone when he’s older

But he’s never allowed to acknowledge being trans whatsoever

Not to his classmates, not to his teachers

He never gets the chance to have a queer community, or explore the nuances of his gender, because the only presentation they can afford for him to have is Masculine Cis Boy. The restriction is stifling. It’s suffocating.

Neil hates her for it

His life was, so briefly, perfect

He had his father’s love and approval for a day, a week, and he is both old enough to remember his father’s cruelty and young enough to believe that it could end

Nathan is incandescent

When he realizes what Mary has done he goes to the Moriyamas in a storm of fury

She stole my SON! He bellows

Now the Moriyama’s didn’t particularly care about Neil back when they thought he was a girl

Girls in the mafia are basically just for child-rearing, so he wasn’t a threat

So once they figure out what Nathan is talking about (this takes a sec, owing to Nathan having not previously gotten around to telling them about Nathaniel’s revelation), their first thought is that look, we might do the nepotism thing here in our family, but underlings don’t get to do the nepotism thing. Sorry, them’s the breaks

Obviously, Mary has to die—nobody’s disputing that, a woman who robbed her husband and stole his son? Only death will right that wrong—but Kengo tells Nathan that he’ll help find Nathaniel on the condition that he’s given to the Ravens upon capture

Nathan is utterly confident that his son—his son!—will perform admirably. He accepts the deal without a second thought

So they’re on the run for years and years, and Neil’s resentment towards his mother festers, but he never acts out too much, and he doesn’t contact his father

He almost does a couple times, but then he presses his hand to the iron scar on his shoulder and he can’t quite make himself go through with it

He’s sixteen when Nathan catches up with them in Seattle

There’s a shootout and Mary and Neil almost get away

But

Nathan arrives

Nathaniel! He shouts. My boy!

And Neil lurches to a stop

There is his father, walking towards him, his eyes still shining with the same fierce love and pride from when he was ten

Nathaniel, his father says. Hasn’t this gone on long enough?

Come home.

Mary is trying to drag Neil away, but he’s too fixated on his father

Can I? Neil asks. Can I really?

Of course, Nathan says. Everything is forgiven. I’ve even secured you a place on the Ravens. Didn’t you always love Exy? Come home with me, Nathaniel

Neil can barely believe it. His father is offering him everything he ever wanted. His mother has been keeping him from this, his whole life?

Why would they run?

And through this whole exchange Nathan has been getting closer, and Mary is pulling Neil back, and now he’s close enough to touch and the sound she makes is like something physical tears when she finally releases Neil and tries to flee

She isn’t fast enough

Nathan’s grin is as wide as the sun when his cleaver bites into Mary’s waist

Blood pours out

Neil screams

Mary clutches her side, staggering away, but it’s obvious she won’t make it far

Dad, no, Neil says. Don’t—

Shh, his father says. Don’t be afraid. She kept us apart all these years. She deserves to die.

And Neil—

Neil has hated his mother for most of his life

But he looks at the woman who has struggled so long to protect him—who has failed as often as she succeeded, but who fought anyway, everyday—and the man whose eyes are bright with glee at her pain

And he makes a choice

He only has a split second to see the betrayal in his father’s eyes before the pipe in his hand slams into his head and he pitches forward, unconscious

Neil does not wait to see if he survives

He grabs his mother and they run, her arm locked on his shoulder and her palm pressed to the wound on her side

Neil puts her in the passenger seat and jumps in, throwing the car in gear

You need a hospital, he says, frantic

No, she hisses, pinning a towel to her side. No hospitals

Guilt floods through him as he looks at her pale face

Sticky red handprints smear on everything she touches

I’m sorry, mom, he says, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—

Enough, she says. Drive

He drives

He drives, and drives, and he follows her instructions, and later he wouldn’t have been able to say if he actually thought she would survive; he believed it, because he had to, because he had never been without her; he knew better, because gut wounds are slow, but they are inexorable

He parks on the beach and there are tears pushing at his eyelids but he chokes them down

I’m sorry, he said, I never should have believed him. I’m sorry—

You never would have been enough for him, she says, and Neil flinches

Her hand finds his chin and she yanks him down to meet her eyes, her gaze fierce.

He never loved you, she says. He would have made you in his image, and when you failed he would have torn you apart. I would not—I would not watch him try to make my son a monster. Don’t—don’t waste it

Mom, what are you saying—

Promise me, she says

Promise you won’t go back to him

She is dying

Neil can’t refuse

He promises

She releases his face and her red fingerprints on his face burn like brands. He can feel them hours after the tears wash the blood away.

Her last few breaths are jagged as broken stones before she rattles to a stop, and Neil is alone

He burns her body and staggers out onto the road and he keeps moving, he keeps moving, because he knows if he stops he’ll shatter

His hesitation has cost him his mother’s life

But his action costs him his fathers love

In one blow, Neil broke the golden image Nathan had of his perfect son, and now all Nathan wants is to destroy him

He finds his way to Millport almost on instinct alone

He finds one of Mary’s contacts who can supply him with the hormones he needs to continue passing and squats in an empty house and speaks to none of his classmates

When the Exy team tryouts are announced, he goes, intending to only watch from a distance

Perhaps it is inevitable he’s sucked in

There is so little light in his life

Can he be forgiven for wanting one little spark?

The Foxes come for him in May, and Kevin doesn’t recognize him, because how would he? Even if they met as kids, Kevin never saw Neil post-transition

Wymack ends up telling him something about Kevin’s past and the truth about the Ravens, and Neil pales a little bit, remembering how his father had said he’d gotten Neil a place on their line-up and finally understanding why

And sometimes he looks at Kevin with blinding jealousy for the life Neil didn’t get to have, and sometimes he sees him nearly comatose with fear and drinking vodka like it’s water, and his stomach hurts thinking how cheerfully his father would have consigned him to the same fate

So canon proceeds and Neil still bitches Riko out on live TV, and Riko still manages to acquire Neil’s fingerprints

And would you believe that? The Foxes mouthy new rookie is [deadname], Nathan Wesninski’s brat?

Well, well, well

At the banquet Riko pokes and prods until Neil finally snaps, and as Dan drags the team away from the wreckage Jean grabs Neil’s arm and says, low and fast in French, You’ll meet with us later

Why the fuck would I do that? Neil demands

Because otherwise everyone will find out that the Butcher is your father

Neil can’t hide his flinch and Kevin’s eyes go wide

They flee the scene, but before they even reach Coach, Kevin is already rounding on Neil

Is it true? He croaks

Not now, Neil says

But Kevin reads confirmation in Neil’s deflection

I didn’t know [deadname] had a brother, he says

Now here is the thing

Names are obviously a touchy subject with a lot of trans people, and certainly with Neil in particular

But with everything that just happened, Neil is a bit preoccupied, and it’s been a long time since he’s associated himself with that name

Since before he stopped using it, truthfully

And so his response is out of his mouth before he can even think twice

“Who?”

Kevin nods seriously, because he is wise to the ways of mafia bosses, and it’s not exactly shocking that Nathan Wesninski had a mistress and a secret second child, especially considering his first child had been a girl

It’s several moments before Neil puts two and two together and realizes that he has inadvertently slipped through a perfect loophole

He’s failed his mother so many times, but at least this secret is still safe, and he clings to that

Neil’s gender doesn’t really affect his interpersonal relationships with the Foxes—he’s already changing out separately, so this isn’t even a whole other thing

It’s harder to hide his testosterone when he’s living in shared dorms, but he has everything in the safe and figures out the safest schedule to open it up when he’s sure Matt will be in class

Andrew finds out when they start hooking up

But remember transphobia isn’t real so it’s sort of more like Andrew goes to undo his pants and is like wait your dick is removeable? Okay.

And then he just gets on with it

So Binghamton and Baltimore happen as canon, and if Neil had ever harboured hopes that his father would forgive him and love him again, they’re broken for good when his father stalks in and sees him shivering and just grins

It is the smile of someone who has torn someone off a pedestal and is going to enjoy reducing them to dust

Nevermind that Nathan had been the one to put him on that pedestal in the first place

Stuart deus-ex-machinas us out of the maws of death and we end up back in that classic Baltimore scene with the Foxes, and they still claim him, and they still take him home

He tells them all about his mafia father and life on the run, and it doesn’t really click until later that he forgot to mention the trans thing

Not like he, you know, has to tell them, and being trans is hardly an issue in Exy since it’s co-ed, but it would probably be nice to see a real doctor instead of keep buying his hormones illegally

And moreover, he wants the Foxes to know him

So they hit the cabin in the mountains and everyone knows Neil doesn’t drink, but when Andrew pours him a shot, he takes it

Ooh, Nicky says, Is Neil about to start spilling his secrets?

Allison snorts. What secrets does he have left?

Uh, Neil says

Wait, Allison says. There’s more secrets????

Yeah, he says. Um, I’m trans

There’s a pause

Well, that’s no good, Allison said. We didn’t have a bet going on that

Everyone laughs, and Neil smiles, and he looks at the sunset and remembers his mother, and he remembers a life filled with hiding, and secrets, and loneliness

Bats swoop in the twilight beyond the cabin, and he turns towards the warmth and light inside, and he does not look back

[queerpersonreadingqueerlit]

I just feel like Andrew J. Minyard, rich off life insurance and not trusting Neil’s infinite sources of likely-mafia-related cash, paying for Neil’s top surgery is a Concept.

[dkafterdark]

Taking That Step

Some trans Neil thoughts because I’m recovering from top surgery and I need to project (some notes at the end about my experience versus Neil’s, etc). 2100 words, T, Andreil, Wymack POV. (Will also be posted on my AO3: justdk) ALSO: Happy (slightly early) Trans Day of Visibility!

“Neil will be staying with me during his recovery,” Wymack says, “and that’s final.”

“We can take care of him in Columbia,” Andrew argues. “All of his stuff is already there, anyways.”

Wymack stares at him. “Yeah, no. I want Neil back in tip top form at the start of training and I don’t trust you, and especially not Kevin, to know what’s healthy for Neil while he’s recovering from surgery.”

Andrew looks sullen and Kevin looks offended. Aaron and Nicky haven’t been included in the discussion but they don’t raise any objections.

“Andrew, you’re welcome to stay at my house, too,” Wymack says. It would be impossible to separate the two and, knowing Neil, he wouldn’t rest if he couldn’t see Andrew on a daily basis.

Neil sighs and leans against Andrew. “I don’t know why you all are fussing,” he says, “I’ll be fine.” That earns him a roomful of glares. He laughs and shrugs. “Okay, I guess I earned that,” he admits.

Wymack exhales loudly and leaves the boys to pack. He’s got a house to prep.

-----

The day of the surgery arrives and Wymack has never been so stressed, though he manages to keep it internalized. They wake up early and drive to Columbia, him and Neil and Andrew and Abby. Kevin and Nicky also wanted to be there but the waiting room really didn’t have seats for all of them and three people was already pushing it. Neil and Andrew sit in the backseat of Wymack’s car, holding hands and sharing earbuds while they listen to a playlist or podcast. Wymack’s shoulders are tense with anxiety and Abby reaches over to rub them. She gives him an encouraging smile. He’s so glad she’s here.

The three of them wait for Neil and it’s nerve wracking. Andrew is glued to his phone but he frequently looks up, like he’ll suddenly see Neil walking towards them. It takes hours and hours. Abby brings them sandwiches and drinks from Subway. Wymack and Andrew rotate smoke breaks. Abby radiates calm and placidly pages through a cozy English murder mystery like this is any other day.

When Neil is finally released Abby and Andrew stay with him while Wymack brings the car around. His first sight of Neil is the small striker sitting in a wheelchair looking half-asleep. He’s wearing his soft grey sweatpants and Kevin’s bulky zip-up Palmetto hoodie. Andrew stands close to him, holding Neil’s bag. As soon as Wymack puts the car in park Abby hurries forward and opens the door to the backseat. Neil should really be up front but he wanted to sit by Andrew so they put him in the back.

“How are you feeling?” Wymack asks as soon as Neil is settled. He has a specially made pillow over his chest to keep the seatbelt from rubbing on him.

Neil shrugs and then hisses. “I’m fine.”

“Oh my God,” Wymack mutters.

“They asked my level on the pain scale,” Neil laughs. “I told them this didn’t rate and they just stared at me.”

Andrew gives Neil a look. Neil makes a silly face back and then closes his eyes.

“I feel so sleepy…”

Before he finishes his thought he’s asleep, head tipped back, mouth open. Andrew takes a picture with his phone and Abby laughs quietly.

“Pain meds,” Wymack mutters as he pulls away from the hospital.

“Apparently he told the surgeon he was just adding more scars to the collection,” Abby says, her expression sad.

Wymack pats her knee. “He’ll be fine. He’s been wanting this surgery for years and now he’s finally done it.” He looks in the rearview mirror at Neil’s sleeping face and grins. “I’m really fucking proud of him.”

-----

The next day Wymack sleeps in and heads to the kitchen, pausing when he hears soft grunts and scrambling noises coming from the kitchen. It’s 6am so he knows it’s nothing scandalous and is most likely… he rounds the corner and finds Neil on his tip-toes, arm reaching over his head to get at the coffee.

“Neil!” Wymack barks.

Neil jumps like a startled cat, whirling around with a spoon held out like a weapon. He settles down once he sees Wymack, his expression sheepish.

“I just wanted some coffee,” Neil mutters, pulling at the bottom of his sweatshirt.

Wymack sighs and brushes past him and pulls down the coffee and filters. “I’ll leave these on the counter for you,” Wymack says. “Is there anything else you need moved to your level? You know you’re not supposed to be reaching like that and I don’t want Andrew climbing all over my counters.”

Neil looks pained, not physically, but like his pride can’t take it. The boy doesn’t like asking for help at the best of times.

“Well,” Neil admits, “maybe move those cereal bowls?”

-----

“Oh my God, Neil.” It’s only Day Two but Wymack already feels like he’s lived a week.

Neil straightens up and shuffles his running shoes against the porch.

“What?”

“Don’t you ‘what’ me,” Wymack growls. “You were about to go for a run, weren’t you?”

Neil sighs. “I’m fine, Coach, better than fine. I feel so light and good and I want to go for a run.” He plucks at his orange running shorts that are so bright drivers can see him from blocks away.

“Well, you can’t,” Wymack says firmly. “Your surgeon said you can’t start any physical activity until two more weeks and that’s light physical activity. Not running marathons.”

Neil groans dramatically and stomps back into the house. Every day he’s acting more like the teenager he still is. Wymack smiles and closes the front door.

Wymack tasks Andrew with keeping Neil from running and he’s found Andrew, more than a few times, sitting on Neil’s legs to keep the striker in place. Neil doesn’t seem to mind.

-----

The guest bed – Wymack bought a guest bed just for Neil – has an impressive pillow fort going on. Andrew has made it his job to barricade Neil every night to make sure he doesn’t turn onto his side by accident. Neil is wearing a cozy looking fox pajama suit that conveniently zips up in the front. He submits to Andrew draping a lightweight blanket over him and then takes a drink of water from a cup with a bendy straw. Wymack’s never seen a doting Andrew and it’s kind of blowing his mind.

“Are you sure you’re not in pain?” Andrew asks.

“I’m sure!” Neil says, a little loudly. “I’ve been shot, burned, stabbed,” he ticks off each major injury on a finger, “so this is nothing. I’m literally so comfortable right now.”

“You also played with major injuries and a concussion when you decided to be an idiot and run off to Evermore,” Wymack chimes in. Neil and Andrew look up at him and they’re so small and ridiculous in their matching fox pajamas that Wymack has to bite back a laugh.

“Exactly!” Neil says. “Surgery is not a big deal I don’t know why you guys are worried.”

Andrew sighs and tucks the blanket around Neil’s shoulders.

-----

Making sure that Neil takes his pills on time and with food is another challenge. Neil treats medication like a suggestion, not a necessity.

“But I just took those this morning,” Neil complains when Andrew passes him another capsule and a pack of Oreos.

“Yeah, you did,” Andrew answers, “but you have to take this medication three times a day. Morning, afternoon, night. Conveniently syncs with meal times.”

“I have never eaten so much in my life.” Neil eyes the Oreos like they’re an enemy.

“Uh-huh.” Andrew rips back the plastic, shoves an Oreo in his mouth, and then feeds one to Neil. Next comes a glass of milk, again with a bendy straw, followed by a pill. Neil submits to the medication, taking it with slightly better grace since Andrew is basically hand feeding him.

Wymack shakes his head and snags two cookies before heading back to his office. Clearly he’ll need to stock up on more snacks during his next grocery run.

-----

The first shower is something Wymack is not getting anywhere near. He trusts Andrew to not let Neil fuck it up.

Neil and Andrew emerge nearly a half hour later and they’re both smiling. Wymack rolls his eyes and pretends not to notice the way their fingers hook together and their shoulders brush as they move over to get comfortable on the couch. He definitely doesn’t notice that Andrew’s hair is also freshly washed and that there’s a hickey blooming on Andrew’s neck. That’s way above his pay grade.

-----

Perhaps the biggest struggle of the Neil Josten Top Surgery Recovery is keeping Neil from being bored. Wymack gives Neil all the Exy videos he has and Neil watches them religiously. When it gets to be too much Andrew drifts off to the back porch to smoke and read or play games on his phone.

Wymack has his limits as well so he gets the boys hooked on his favorite crime show. Neil and Andrew obnoxiously point out mistakes and frequently get in arguments about what the characters should have done. When they finally watch all the seasons of Prison Break they move on to Burn Notice. Andrew draws the line when Neil asks Wymack about NCIS, claiming that they already have one grumpy old man in the house. Wymack gives him his best Gibbs glare.

Abby brings over a box filled with things to help ease Neil’s boredom: 1000 piece puzzles, books of Sudoku and crossword searches, and a large stack of library books of various genres for Neil and Andrew to sample. She also comes by several nights a week to help cook dinner and check up on Neil’s healing. Wymack would lose his goddamn mind without her and he’s not shy about telling her either.

When Kevin visits he brings more Exy games to watch as well as history documentaries. Neil falls asleep within thirty minutes every time Kevin puts on a documentary and later blames it on his meds.

It is true that the meds make Neil pass out and he doesn’t like it. Wymack catches him making nighttime coffee just because Neil wants to stay up with Andrew. It’s probably the most romantic thing he’s witnessed, Neil clutching his mug with his legs draped over Andrew’s thighs, the two of them talking quietly as it gets later and later.

-----

Wymack isn’t in the room when Neil gets his bandages taken off. He’s waiting for Andrew and Neil and he hangs back as Neil makes his next appointment but he does offer up his credit card to pay for Neil’s scar gel.

“Don’t argue,” Wymack tells him gruffly. “Consider it a team expense.”

Neil may have paid for the surgery out of pocket, with most of it being covered by his criminal uncle, but Wymack helps where he can.

The ride back is quiet and Wymack catches Neil reaching up to touch his chest from time to time, a small smile on his lips. When they make it back to his house Neil and Andrew go out to the back porch and talk even though it’s hot as hell outside. When they come back in Neil’s eyes are red rimmed and his lips look chapped but he’s smiling and Andrew is, too, in his own repressed way.

Wymack keeps his thoughts to himself and serves up barbeque sandwiches and potato salad with glasses of sweet tea. Abby joins them, bringing apple pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert.

Wymack never sees Neil’s scars but Abby does when she gives Neil a check up. Afterwards she joins Wymack on the front porch, her head on his shoulder, as they sip wine and watch the sun set.

“You know,” Abby says quietly, “Neil keeps his feelings close but today when he showed me his scars he couldn’t stop smiling.” She sighs happily. “He told me he never thought he would live long enough to have this surgery and that he already feels so much better.”

“Damn,” Wymack murmurs. “That’s amazing.”

“Yeah.” Abby smiles up at him. “Our foxes, huh?”

He smiles back. “Our foxes.”

*Author’s note: showering is not that complicated though I probably did more stretching than is recommended because I washed my own hair (it’s buzzed so really it’s very easy to wash). The main thing is to keep bandages dry so my surgeon gave me a short cape – like what you wear at the barber’s – to drape over my shoulders and keep my chest dry. Assuming Neil has a similar set up I think Andrew could easily give his hair – and body – a wash (and perhaps do other things) without getting Neil’s bandages wet.

[Just a few notes: I’m nonbinary and I had my top surgery last week on 3/24/20! I had a double incision surgery and chose not to have nipples. For this fic I left it open ended as to whether or not Neil would choose to have nipples though it is a longer and more complex healing process with nipples. My recovery has been virtually painless and I’ve felt great and been able to do many things (I really should have been resting but I’m not that person, turns out). I also left it open ended as to whether or not Neil is taking hormones; I hc that he would but I’ll leave that up to you, the reader! Again, I’m writing from my experience while also referencing my time helping my friend with his top surgery last year (he did do nipple grafts). Feel free to ask me questions and enjoy!]

[joseph-the-jedi]

But You’re Gay

Summary: The famous “doesn’t mean I wouldn’t bow you” scene. Yet in this version, Neil is a stealth trans guy, something Andrew has recently discovered.

(on ao3)

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you.”

Neil felt his world tilting sideways. Those were words he did not expect to come out of Andrew’s mouth, especially not directed at Neil.

“You like me.” Neil realized aloud.

“I hate you.” Andrew corrected. Neil didn’t pay any mind to it though.

His mind was racing, remembering all the hints that were there but which he never paid enough attention to. Andrew’s hand over his mouth in Exites now made sense. There was something, an answer maybe, that he could feel they were both on the brink of discovering but hadn’t come close enough at the moment. But now he understood.

Now everything made sense. Andrew yielding to him, calling him interesting and dangerous, giving him a key to his house and car, and trusting him with Kevin. He understood the reasoning behind each of these, yet at the same time none of it made sense. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He couldn’t understand why Andrew would like him. And especially when considering Andrew’s sexuality. That made no sense at all. He was one of the few people who knew Neil was trans, ever since that rooftop conversation they had a few weeks earlier.

“But. . . but you’re gay.” Neil finally responded.

Andrew rolled his eyes in return. “Which means I’m attracted to men.” He said. “You are a man.” His tone implied that he now thought Neil was even stupider than he previously assumed. He was right, of course, but that didn’t stop Neil from feeling a flutter in his chest at that sentence. You are a man.

Still, the weight of the sudden revelation prevented him from reveling in the joy caused by that validating comment. He would be dead in four months. No one was supposed to like him. He wasn’t supposed to be this for anyone, especially not Andrew who always claimed to hate him.

“You never said anything,” Neil said, finally finding his voice again.

“Why should I have?” Andrew lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Nothing will come of it.”

“Nothing,” Neil echoed.

“I am self-destructive, not stupid,” Andrew said. “I know better.”

The only word he could find in response was a paltry “Okay.” But he did not sound okay. He did not feel okay.

Andrew apparently chose not to endure their conversation any longer as he swiftly slammed his shot glass back on the table and stood. Neil watched as he disappeared into the crowd.

Neil jolted at a sudden pressure on his shoulder and found Kevin staring at him, his mouth open on a silent vowel as if about to ask him something. Though Kevin seemed to see something in Neil’s expression that made him think better of it. He closed his mouth and turned back to the tray of drinks.

About an hour later, the rest of their group found their way back to their table and they filed out into the car, Andrew keeping his distance from Neil, which Neil didn’t mind at all. When they got back to the cousins’ house, there weren’t enough beds for all of them, so Kevin took the couch and Neil curled up in a chair with a blanket.

That night he couldn’t sleep. His mind sought to keep him up with what-if thoughts and memories that started to resurface.

He thought about all the times he’d ever had any kind of experience even close to being with someone in an intimate way. The one time that girl in France had kissed him and the few times he actually thought someone walking down the street was pretty. And of course those beatings his mother would give him for even looking at those strangers.

He’d always wondered what it would be like to be intimate with someone, but he never had the time to actually imagine it or even consider it as a possibility for himself. Even less so when he started presenting as male. Any such hopes of ever finding another person he could trust in that way pretty much went out the window. No one would ever be attracted to him, not with his body. At least, that’s what he’d always believed.

Now, he was just confused. Andrew liked him. That didn’t make sense. But despite his confusion, he couldn’t get over the way those words made him feel. You are a man. He was more than thankful for Andrew being someone he could trust with that secret. And even more thankful that Andrew saw him the way he wanted to be seen. Those last few lingering thoughts helped to finally lull him to sleep.