Fiona Lester has a secret. Dan Howell thinks they hate each other. Dan meets an online friend and comes to realize something important about himself while juggling changing relationships with his parents, friends, and Fiona.
Here, have some self indulgent trans!Phil thoughts:
Phil never medically transitioned simply because he did not want to. He didn't have the option when he was young because surgeries weren't really a thing back then, even if his species were advanced in some other areas. But Phil never really suffered from dysphoria and was always comfortable with his body the way it was (his body naturally producing more testosterone than an average afab person might've had something to do with that but shh). Once he was older (aka thousands of years later), and the technology was available to medically transition, he was like "Mm that's not for me, but cool."
And while he still doesn't suffer from dysphoria, and has no desire to transition further than he already has, sometimes he still can't help but feel...self conscious about his body.
He has prominent curves, breasts, and stretch marks (from giving birth at least once in his lifetime), and he knows these things are not exactly...the most desirable to other people. Especially men interested in other men. They don't want curves and breasts, they want hard muscle and flat chests. Which is fine, Phil understands, but it certainly hasn't helped him feel like he's desirable in any way.
For the most part, Phil covers up and wears clothes one or two sizes larger than he actually is. He presents as masculine and makes sure his body is hidden well, and that he passes as male completely.
But he...doesn't really enjoy it.
Sure sometimes he likes to present as more masculine, but he'd love to be able to dress femininely more often, to show off his curves and for him to be appreciated.
But unfortunately he'll often just get weird looks or unwanted comments if he does, so he covers up because it's just easier.
Then he meets Techno.
They become friends -best friends- and while Techno knows Phil is trans, Phil has only ever dressed in his usual bigger clothing around him.
One day when they're going to visit the nearby town for a few errands, Phil decides to forgo his usual clothes and trade it for a simple summer dress. It fits him perfectly and he knows he looks good, but he still can't help but feel nervous when he steps outside to join Techno.
Techno stares at him for a few seconds, blinks a few times in surprise before giving Phil a smile small and says, "You look nice."
"Thanks," Phil manages to get out in a quiet voice.
"But," Techno says and Phil tenses up, expecting the worst. He knew this was a bad idea, he shouldn't have put the dress on, he should've stuck with his usual clothes and remained hidden-
"-I think it's missing something," Techno continues and tilts his head to the side, "You remember that shawl I got you a while back? I think it'd complete the outfit."
"Oh," Phil says and he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes, is unable to stop them from spilling out.
Techno doesn't say anything or question it, just pulls Phil close and hugs him.
"Thank you," is all Phil can say, a smile on his face as he holds tightly onto Techno.
Phil starts to wear less of his bulkier clothes around Techno, often switching for more feminine and more revealing clothing. Techno will always give him some sort of compliment or make a suggestion for his outfit, and Phil loves him for it. Eventually, Phil gets enough confidence back to wear more of his feminine outfits outside, whether he's with Techno or by himself.
He doesn't know exactly when he notices or when things changed, but there's comes a point where the way Techno starts to look at Phil...becomes different. Techno will still compliment him and such, but he'll avoid Phil's gaze and...was he blushing? Techno, an ancient god who bowed to no one and infamous feared warrior, was...blushing.
Well then.
Phil once thought his body was undesirable to other people, that no one would find him attractive, and had accepted that.
Perhaps he was wrong, and there is someone who desires him.
Phil confronts Techno one night about it in their shared cabin, Phil once again wearing that summer dress (even if it is not at all suited for the weather outside) and sliding into Techno's lap, not at all surprised when Techno immediately goes red.
"Do you love me, Techno?" he asks.
"Yes," comes the simple answer.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" he asks, leaning more into Techno's space and pressing himself up further against Techno.
"You're beautiful."
"Do you want to kiss me?" Phil finally asks, placing his hand on top of Techno's much larger one and guiding it to his waist, Techno taking the hint, holding him there firmly.
"Yes," Techno says and gazes at Phil, their eyes meeting, "May I?"
"You may-" Phil barely gets to finish his sentence before Techno is leaning down and pulls Phil into a fierce kiss.
It's merely the first of many shared kisses that night.
I have considered it many many times and have lots of Thoughts about it.
---
Phil was sitting in Techno's lap, leaning his back up against Techno's front and silently reading from one of Techno's many novels he'd collected over the years. Phil had assumed Techno had dozed off, considering how quiet he was, until Phil felt a familiar pair of hands slide up underneath the bottom of his shirt.
Techno wasn't small, he was a massive man and his hands were just as big to match. So it was very hard for Phil not to notice Techno's hands as his fingertips grazed against the sensitive skin of Phil's midriff.
Phil shivered, letting out a small weak chirp as Techno's hand moved up to cup one of Phil's breasts in his palm. His other hand a firm present against Phil's midriff, using his thumb to rub soothing motions onto Phil's stomach.
"Techno," Phil whined, the book in his hand long forgotten and falling to the floor as Techno began fondling Phil's breast, his touch gentle and light.
"Is this okay?" Techno asked and lowered his head to Phil's neck, pressing a small kiss to the side of it.
Techno was giving him an out and Phil knew if he said "no", Techno would immediately stop.
But Phil didn't particularly want him to stop.
"Yes. You can...keep going. Please," Phil said and felt a familiar vibration against his back as a pleased rumble rose up in Techno's chest.
Phil let out a breathy sigh as Techno grasped Phil's other breast in his hand, giving it a soft squeeze. Phil leaned back and fell limp against Techno, content to let him do as he pleased and be touched by him.
But it's really the total opposite of what people assume. A pregnant Phil is a very happy Phil.
---
Most people would expect pregnancy to affect Phil negatively. He's an explorer, an adventurer and warrior. He's chaotic and independent by nature, so it's hard to imagine him settling down for several months and carry a child to term without him complaining or being constantly grumpy/annoyed by it all. Also there's the fact that he's a man, so no one would expect/assume he could even get pregnant. But he very much can. Even so, people would assume he isn't ok with it because he's a man and why would a man ever be comfortable getting pregnant?
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's been pregnant before, so he knows the ins and outs at this point, or maybe because he's not doing it all alone and has Techno with him, but he's happy. (There was the initial panic he had when he realized he was pregnant, but after talking it out with Techno and deciding what they were going to do, that quickly went away.)
His chaotic energy goes way down when he's pregnant and he becomes fairly docile and soft (some would say...maternal). He's incredibly affectionate, a lot more than he usually is, and he can often be found resting/nesting (there's a good chance he's dragged Techno into his nest for cuddles as well). He does get mood swings, but at most he's upset about something and spends his time sulking in his nest or crying in Techno's arms.
He also gets really horny but we're not gonna get into that one.
Techno loves seeing this side of Phil, especially knowing Phil is content and happy because he's pregnant, and it's with Techno's child. Techno did also kinda panic when Phil told him he was pregnant because Techno didn't think it was possible for them to have a child (which is why they never used protection or contraceptives like idiots) and they hadn't planned for it at all. But one in depth discussion later and a good amount of reassurance from Phil (and Phil taking Techno's hand to place it on his still fairly flat stomach), Techno's panic is replaced with excitement.
Techno is so grateful to Phil, loves him so much and is very attentive of his mates needs/wants. Techno immediately researched about pregnancy and Avians, and Avian pregnancy (Phil is the best source for that of course, but it doesn't hurt to research).
Techno is there for Phil the entire pregnancy and is always willing to cuddle or go get him food (even going out of his way to hunt for food because Techno's instincts have gone into overdrive and told him to do that) or share whatever new books Techno has found on Avian/nonhuman pregnancies (Phil finds this one amusing since they don't really need the books, Phil knows enough by now, but he appreciates Techno's effort and won't stop him).
Now, Techno isn't the best builder (that would be Phil), but he's good at crafting things, so while planning and preparing things for their child, Techno decides he's going to make a crib from scratch.
There are a few failed attempts but finally Techno makes a crib to his standards and more importantly: won't break. He presents it to Phil and he absolutely loves it, tracing the symbol of a blade surrounded by wings on the top of it.
Phil also prepares a lot too and when he isn't sleeping, he's usually seen knitting or sewing and if he has the energy, he'll go out for a walk around their cabin or to the nearby village. Sometimes he'll bring Techno along, sometimes not (Techno was wary to let Phil wander off on his own, but he trusts him enough to let him). He's always careful and never goes far, plus his birds are always around and constantly checking in on him, bugging him when they think he should turn back until he does.
Phil's scent begins to change the further into the pregnancy he's in, becomes more warm and soft, and Techno loves it. Phil himself can't sense it, but Techno can and loves cuddling with Phil in their nest, combining his and Phil's scents, cradling Phil's bump in his hand and purring the entire time.
Techno also might've gotten a little emotional when he felt their baby kick for the first time. He and Phil were in their nest as usual, Phil fast asleep, when Techno felt it and immediately woke up Phil to tell him. And Phil won't admit it but he might've gotten emotional too.
At a certain point, Phil tells Techno their baby can hear them and Techno knows exactly what to do upon receiving that information. He's always enjoyed reading out loud to Phil, but now he gets to read aloud to Phil and their child. It's mostly mythology and fables he tends to read, but sometimes he'll just...talk. Recount some of the adventures he and Phil have gone on, or the times Phil did something stupid (he only tells these stories when Phil is asleep), or when Techno was off on his own and going on adventures. He'll talk about the different worlds he and Phil have seen, the people they've met and the things they've gone through together. And he'll tell their child that he hopes they'll have great adventures too one day, with people who love and appreciate them and treat them like a person.
Techno always ends a story or tale by telling their child how much he already loves them and he can't wait to meet them, and see what kind of person they become.
Late into Phil's pregnancy, Techno does have a moment where he has doubts and wonder if he's worthy enough to be a father or if he'll be a good one, that maybe Phil should've gotten someone else to have a child with. But Phil is quick to chase away those thoughts, pulling Techno into their nest and kissing him, reassuring him that Techno is more than worthy and he doesn't want to have a child with anyone else, he wants to have and raise on with Techno. He wants to have a family with Techno. And possibly, in the future..have even more children. But for now, they'll focus on Phil's current pregnancy and be the best parents they can be for their child.
(Unbeknownst to them, their plan to have more children in the future is already in motion because...Phil is pregnant with twins.)
