01/07/18
My first day back in Seattle for round two at Evergreen Health has me feeling energized and motivated, ready to take on everything and anything. I did a lot today to be productive and actually sat with myself for a few moments to relax and enjoy my own company. Being home and away to New Hampshire, had me missing myself, and the life I’ve built for myself to be proud of. There was a lot that held me back in New England, for al the years I had lived there. Traveling set me free in countless amounts of ways, ways that I’ve come to find are missable when returning to my old life back on the East. Tonight, I sat down and set a list of goals for myself, Fitness and Health Wise, Emotionally, And Financially. I’ve come to learn that I’m a goal-driven individual, and I will succeed when and only when I begin to take them seriously….when I start taking it on as a challenge, one that my competitive nature has to beat. I came up with quite a list, as well as quite an excitement to start. I want to eat better, I want to work harder, and I want to feel more fulfilled. I was to eat better to feel better. I want to work harder to feel stronger. And I want to feel fulfilled, in my nature and my wellbeing as well as in my finances and possessions. I want to be whole and I always want to strive to be better. One of the tasks that fell under goals for “Wellbeing” was to put from my Tarot every morning to focus my energy to good vibes or every night to reflect on the day I had. I think the universe is powerful and tells us a lot about ourselves as well as the forces around us that affect us and make us grow. There is so much energy in the world and not enough of us seek to find it. I’m addicted to the high I get on life, and I think it’s a drug everyone should experience to its fullest potency; it’s something we could all overdose on a time or two.. Tonight, I decided, being 7 days into the new year, that I would pull my cards into a year ahead spread. What I pulled in cards instantly pushed me into a sea of emotions because the universe know my path and the universe wants me to follow it. The crazy thing about this experience, was that I could clearly see specific scenarios play out in my head as I read the description of the card, like as if the universe was giving me a window into what’s to come, and how to appreciate every moment of it: the good the bad and the messiness of it all. I want to share the breakdown of my reading because it was special to me and something that moved me very spiritually. I’m also anxious to look back when we get to 2019 and see how powerful the universe is with it’s messages. The first card I pulled, at the very top and middle, is the “Four of Pentacles”::
January The Four of Pentacles.
Tarot Guidbook Description: “Possession, Control This suggests material gain and stability. Only good news for your bank account and home. Yet underneath the surface this is a card of warning: Do not become possessive and controlling. Holding on too tightly to the material world will leave you rigid, stagnant, and displeasing to others. Wealth is a concept.”
The Way I Perceive it: I can reflect on this and see how this may apply as a warning to this month we are currently experiencing and living. There are a lot of feelings and emotions going into me becoming my most authentic self that can lead me to believe I can try to grasp for anything to hold my head above water. I know my past has proved that insecurity leads me down a path of mistakes, unfaithfulness and a need to control a situation in a matter of multiple ways. I see this as a warning to not let insecurity take over on what will be a positive year; stay true, be patient, act compassionate, and don’t fall to comfort because things are hard. Always work on communication, trust, and keeping faith is your connection.
Second card, “Ace of Wands”
February Ace of Wands
Tarot Guidbook Description: “Expansion, Inspiration An extremely high energy card, the Ace of Wands indicates new growth is all around you. Your ideas and outlook will expand, and creativity seems endless. This fertile time can also have literal meaning…a pregnancy or birth may be on the horizon. Though it’s thrilling to embark on your new journey, your good judgement is needed more than ever. Don’t rush into it.”
The Way I Perceive it: This struck me, hard. This card implies that my coming out to the world has gotten to the point of becoming public. Maybe I’ve started charing it on social media, maybe I’ve finally posted my coming out video, maybe Calvin isn’t lurking in the shadows in shame. This card makes me feel the positive energy and weightlessness of what being Calvin would feel like. I see myself smiling, I see myself becoming myself, I see myself walking tall as Calvin. But the card also airs to caution…the piece of me that always weighs the good and bad of every situation. I know my parents might still struggle with coming to terms with my transition, I know that might hold me back. But by February, I see myself being ready, despite anyones approval. The one thing in the reading that got me right in the feels: “Don’t Rush Into It.”……the last thing my dad said to me as he cried and walked out the door before I left for Seattle. “Don’t Rush Into It….” Damn.
Third Card, “Three of Swords”
March Three of Swords
Tarot Guidbook Description: “Betrayal, Heartbreak, Turmoil A dark and complex card, the Three of Swords is rarely a welcome sight. It’s wrath may come in form of lies, betrayal, cheating, or heartbreak. There will be emotional entanglement and confusion. Do not try to make any decisions while in the state. Wait for your heart and spirit to mend.”
The Way I Perceive it: I don’t know if this card is painting a picture of past or future, but I assume it can contain a little bit of both. My energies might sometime project into the future from past experiences, “possibly why I’ve always found myself in a slump of depression and hopelessness in the month of March all because 9 years ago, some girl broke my heart and I ended up suicidal and signed into the psych ward for 2 weeks” March is never a fun month for me, so I’m not entirely surprise this card pulled. Whether it be self sabotaging, bad vibes into that time frame, or just merely bad luck or karma, March is hell and I don’t expect much out of it. Or maybe it is future related… Maybe my relationship that I have now didn’t work out because being with Trans people is hard. Maybe I’m the one who turned unhappy because my feelings changed on Testosterone. Maybe it all became too much…communication fell apart, trust dwindled, patience on both sides fell flat. I will never know till I get there. But I take this card as somewhat of a warning. To maybe not get my hopes up so high and respect the very possible fact that me transitioning is a hard thing for everyone involved, even beyond my own struggles and feelings about it. Asking someone to stay, is more than I can ask of anyone, so I won’t expect it and I sure as hell will be prepared to let someone walk away if they don’t want the responsibility of handling me becoming my most authentic self. There are certain things we want the universe to teach, but how objective would we be if we only ever looked through the rose colored glasses of our life. Not every moment is going to be pretty. Not every day is going to be simple and easy and fathomable to understand. Don’t you see that the things we love in life only taste sweet because we know what it’s like when it’s bad? How would we know how to embrace all the good if we never experienced how awful it feels to be anything but happy and content? I’m glad I pulled this card, despite the heaviness it put on my heart. I can only hope for positive outcomes, but sometimes life brings challenge to help you get to your next chapter in life.
Which brings me to card number four, the “Mother of Swords”
April Mother of Swords
Tarot Guidbook Description: “Sharp; Perceptive You’ll find the Mother of Swords putting her sharp perceptions to use as a therapist, doctor, or teacher. She’s extremely experienced and knowledgable in her field. Some think of her as all-seeing. This card can sometimes represent a woman going through a difficult time. She may be recently widowed or divorced, and usually without children. During this time, there’s potential for her criticism to soar.”
The Way I Perceive it: I am the student of my own life and the teacher who learned from power of experience to others. I like to use my pain as education and I like to grow and help others to grow with what I’ve gone through. Teaching is in my nature, especially teaching of emotions. It goes without saying, that at times, our inner voice can be unkind, and to be frank, downright be a bitch. This card indicated even more that March might bring heartache, and April brings the mending of myself. This airs to a challenge of fighting off self criticism and overcoming rejection, finding in myself, once again, the need for only my own acceptance and self love. This is a future look into my perceptions, my quickness to pick myself up off my feet because I know what’s to come for myself is greater, and brighter than before. I will persevere… I will find Strength…
….My fifth card, the major Arcana, “Strength”
May Strength
Tarot Guidbook Description: “Mastery of Emotions It’s common to think of this card as the roaring, devouring side of the lion. But look again-the ‘strength’ this card suggests is a much deeper force that’s found within. The lion represents our most patient, composed self. He’s a master of focus, compassion, and self control. When this card comes up, you’re in need of harnessing this power for yourself. All the courage you need can be found in the muscle known as the heart.”
The Way I Perceive it: This card makes me believe I have become content in my emotions. Right now, my feelings about coming out as trams fluctuate every day depending on how positive or negative the nature of my interactions with people on trans topics are. I think having this major card signify Mastery of Emotions airs to the side of me that has really become myself in the 5 months into 2018. Maybe I’ve finally started taking testosterone. Maybe my family is coming around because my patience and compassion and focus has proven to them that I am still me, but just becoming who I am on the outside, and I’m certain. I think by now I’ve started accepting myself fully, unapologetically, and wholly, and I think, by the sounds of it, with the support of my wonderful family and friends. I also like how the description uses “he/him pronouns, which makes me believe the universe wants me to know that I have fully transitioned into who I’m mean to become. Who I’ve always been. I am him….I am Calvin.
I pulled a sixth card, the “Ten of Wands”
June Ten of Wands
Tarot Guidebook Description: “Burdens, Blockage, Difficulty The Ten of Wands is a difficult card to face. Mental or physical burdens have been weighing on your spirit. Over time this leads to hopelessness and depression. You simply can’t ‘get though’ to what you want. You cannot see the way if this card appears in response to a person or situation, it may be best to simply walk away. But if this card comes up frequently, it indicates you are attracted to negativity. You chose to walk the hard road.”
The Way I Perceive It: This goes to prove that no road is a smooth one. Like I said earlier, this journey to becoming myself is not going to be all smooth sailing. There will be doubters and haters and out within myself. There will be times I might question if I did the right thing, but facts that push me to keep moving forward because there’s no looking back. Do I know there will be road blocks? Absolutely. Do I know there will be difficulty? You bet your ass I do. I know I will carry a fair share of burden, whether that be my own or the weight of others, I know I will not come out of this unscarred. But I carry my wounds like a warrior and like a teacher prepared to pass on my knowledge of experience. I expect the physical burden might indicate body dysphoria if I’ve gotten to the point of hormones without reaching top surgery yet. I look forward to seeing what this card really means. I can only use it as a reminder to keep my head high, because there’s always something brighter ahead….
Just like card number seven, “The Star”
July The Star Tarot Guidebook Description “Hope, Peace of Mind Standing outside on a dark night, you gaze up at the stars and sense glimmers of wonder and hope. Even though you can’t find concrete answers to life’s many questions up there in the sky, you can’t help but feel comforted and renewed, such is the energy of the star card. It is not about actions or situations, it’s simply about connection to the part of you that is hopeful and serene. This force will bring light back into your life and infuse you with positivity. A lovely card.”
The Way I Perceive It: I’ve always been a creature of hope and the beauty in rebirths after destruction. It makes me a writer and a poet and lover. It makes sense that this card comes after the Ten of Wands in June. June seems to be a time period of questions and uncertainty…a search for hope and faith and it seems this month brings a restoration in all of it. I am always searching for answers and always trying to solve the what ifs, but I need to remind myself to stay in the one true moment I have and make sure that moment is filled with happiness and thankfulness. This is a card that shows me I will always find the light in the dark times. This card gives me faith that I will make it through anything.
Card number eight, “The World”
August The World Tarot Guidbook Description “Wholeness, Completion The World is the final card in the journey of the major arcana; it signifies completion, harmony, and contentment. It’s rare to experience this energy, as we are usually consumed by wanting, needing, and achieving. So when this card appears, contemplate for a moment the idea of ‘being whole’. Focus on the image on the card..close your eyes and envision this radiating energy inside you. What does it feel like? Where is it located? What blocks you from feeling a sense of ‘wholeness’ each and everyday of your life?”
The Way I Perceive It: How beautiful it is to have a cards such reflective questions, and to envision the answers in my mind so perfectly. This reading does a lot of back and forth, which makes me know that I’m going to have a good balance of good months and bad months and everything in between when I’m transitioning. The thing is, I find beauty in all of it. When I’m pulling “good” cards, I’m feeling how free it feels to be myself. When I’m pulling “bad” cards, I’m feeling a sense of hope that know whatever comes next will be beautiful, and prove to me that what I just went through and struggled with was worth it, which has been consistent in this entire reading this far. This coming August makes me believe that I can believe in myself and reach that state of contentment I’ve always longed for. This makes me believe I will be whole morphing into a man’s body that fits more of what I’ve always felt inside. I can’t wait to embrace my authentic self. I can’t wait to hold him through all the storms, and watch the skies clear with a smile on my face (and a beard lol)
Number nine, “Justice”
September Justice Tarot Book Description “Decisions, Karma With tails entwined, two cats look directly at you..waiting for you to choose between them. Which is right and which is wrong? The justice card implies a weight or heaviness surrounding a choice you have to make. Now is not the time to shun the concept of divine balance, or karma. All of your choices affect your life, and sometimes the lives of those around you, both now and in the future.”
The Way I Perceive it: This proves I will lose people along my path. I haven’t come out to my oldest brother for a reason and it’s because I’m scared to face full on rejection. I haven’t ha to handle that yet. And not only do I lose him, but I lose my niece and the bond I’ve created with her. I fear this card implies my tough decision between choosing abuse and disrespect or chasing self respect and setting boundaries. I fear I might put myself through some hard stuff with my relationship with my brother before I reach point of cutting him off if his negative feelings and actions affect me too much. It’s not going to be easy cutting off a brother though, but as an adult, you need to make tough decisions that support your happiness and wellbeing no matter how hard they maybe. I don’t know for sure what this card implies, but I hope things can mend before they have to get there, because I don’t want to lose a brother. I just want to be who I am.
Tenth card, “Eight of Pentacles”
October Eight of Pentacles Tarot Book Description “Craftsmanship, Skill The spider is a true master of her craft. She weaves against all odds with skill, intricacy, and confidence. The Eight of Pentacles requires a similar approach. Hone your skills. You are close to finding mastery at your craft, so strive for it. Pay attention to all the details. In some cases this card means you need to find a new hobby, something you truly enjoy. Start a project. Become goo at it.”
The Way I Perceive It: I think this card is telling of how confident I become within myself, how I truly accept myself as the master of my own craft. It’s no coincidence that a lot of FTM transgenders consider themselves Self-Made Men. My skills are in how I navigate around myself, and become the person I’ve always meant to be, happy and wholly.
On the eleventh card, “Son of Swords”
November Son of Swords Tarot Book Description “Forceful, Determined A dynamic creature, the son of swords is a man of action, not of grace. He pushes forward toward his goal with urgency and determination. To top it off, he’s very well educated, making him a force to be reckoned with. Usually he’s seeking approval from the patient and just Father of Swords, who casts quite a shadow onto his son. Working with this stimulating and exhausting young man can prove to be a challenge.”
The Way I Perceive It: I love this card. I love how it indicates that the “energy of this young man is unstoppable”, something that I feel I will become once I start passing and becoming a man. I also like how it suggests the relationship with his father mattering, because my relationship with mine always has. To read the words, “[he] who casts quite a shadow onto his son” can be taken negatively, but I see it in a positive light. I think my dad will surprisingly like having a third son and I think I will make him proud. I take the shadow reference as the reflection of me to him…we are so similar and I think being a man might actually make him proud. I think me being myself against all costs, will make him proud.
And lastly, in the final month, “Two of Swords”
December Two of Swords Tarot Book Description “Blocked Vision, Stalemate The Two of Swords depicts two opposing forces that have reached a stalemate. You cannot progress forward with either a relationship or a life decision. There’s an answer that’s being blocked- maybe by choice? Many times this card will indicate you do not wish to face the truth the light will reveal.”
The Way I Perceive It: This card brings me back to the one I pulled for September, Justice. I feel like this card is telling me I will face a lot of challenges with my oldest brother that will ultimately lead to me having to make a tough decision in cutting him off in order to move forward and live my happiest life. At the same time, this card makes me believe that if new relationships are down the road, that I have to be honest with them as well as myself. In thinking about the dating world, through this transition, it’s hard to know if I should be upfront about my being transgender or if I should wait until they really get to know me. I don’t want people not taking a chance on me because of something they don’t understand but I also don’t want to keep a big piece of myself hidden. I feel like this final month card is a gentle reminder to be myself against all odds, and I will be rewarded by the light all the messiness might reveal.
Final card pulled, for Theme of the Year, “Three of Pentacles”
Theme of the Year Three of Pentacles Tarot Book Description “Teamwork, Determination, Focus The task ahead is a momentous one. Usually related to your job or career, the Three of Pentacles suggests you must focus all of your efforts. Discipline, strategy, and hard work are needed more than ever. If you become weary or overwhelmed, rely on those around you. This is a card of teamwork, so you may need the strength of others to conquer the mountain.”
The Way I Perceive It: What a beautiful theme of the year. A reminder to not shut people out if they have a hard time understanding the journey I walk in life. I’ve been very vocal about how I want to take testosterone and transition in private. I refuse to do it at my parents, I refuse to do it in New Hampshire…I’ve been clear that I want to do it on my own. This card kinda speaks up saying that it’s okay to rely on other for help and support, it’s okay to have those who truly love you watch you change. I shouldn’t feel shunned or self conscious about it because this is who I know I am. Tis card tells me that the people who matter will step up to the plate. The people who see me as Calvin, will love me through and through all the awkwardness. This card tells me everything will be okay….because the theme of the year is about teamwork, determination, and focus. I couldn’t have pulled a better card to paint the picture of what 2018 is going to be. I’m so excited for my life…my 100% true, authentic life.
Looking at this spread in overview, with an understanding of the tarot, there are 4 minor arcana which includes, Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles. Each minor arcana stands for something different. It make sense that the first card, being pentacles is about possession and control…me taking over my life and shooting at the stars for happiness in being a man. It also then makes sense that the next card is about action…Wands, the symbol that marks the beginning of all ventures new, in the mind, body, and spirit. Throughout the spread you don’t see wands again, because my beginning has already begun. You’ll find a lot of pentacles though, which symbolizes taking control of my life and transitioning, as well as a lot of swords which symbolizes action and intellect…addressing change, conflict and power in my life. Swords point to both constructive and destructive tendencies in our life. A reading weighted heavily by swords indicates a year of turmoil and distress, which isn’t entirely surprising….I know being a trans man in this society today isn’t easy. But there’s a also a lot of beauty in my reading, as I explained above… My reading is also ruled by 4 very beautiful and powerful major arcana cards. These are considered the trump cards in a Tarot deck and signify a complete journey of the psyche. These are the cards that indicate the make up of what we carry in ourselves, the characters or themes in us that hold us back as well as set us free. These cards refer to deeply rooted feelings in ourselves and are powerful signs that aid to tell what you’re feeling about a moment in your life.
I’m honestly amazed by this reading. It’s relative themes to what the 2018 year might looks like leaves me feeling hopeful and comforted. I am not scared of what’s to come. I’m ready to embrace everything that comes my way….because I know everything will be okay with focus, determination, and teamwork.