FIRST CHAPTER OF MY ADAMSAPPLE SLOWBURN FANFIC IS OUT!!!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/81380506
IMPORTANT CONTEXT: It’s based on a lot of my headcanons and interpretations as well as canon. Lucifer in this fic is Transmasc (based upon myself). Also Adam is Bi, Lucifer is pan like in canon
This is an enemies to lovers! But it’s a slow burn so you’re gonna have to wait for it >:)
I suck at tagging. Also the name is a placeholder.
Headcanons/notes from the author: transmasc Lucifer and agender Barbatos (also brief mention of non-binary Simeon)
Brief Blurb: After the fall, Barbatos nudges Lucifer to address his gender dysphoria.
Ever since the fall, Lucifer had distracted himself with work. He didn’t want to look in mirrors even more than before. Despite his prideful nature, there was a force within himself that was tearing up his heart and splitting his head from the inside. The feeling was there before he fell, and he had kept it on the back burner since he was a young angel.
Most nights he could drown himself in paperwork or demonus to numb the discomfort. He knew it was unhealthy, but what else was he to do? Being the avatar of pride, he couldn’t allow an invisible torment to weigh him down. The mirrors would remain covered with sheets and he would dress as modest as he could. No one needed to see his skin, anyway.
Why did his name bother him so much? Perhaps it reminded him of the Father when he heard it… Then again, it wasn’t just his name or body, there was the fact that he felt poison ink in his chest when being called a woman. It felt ridiculous, because he was one, wasn’t he?
Lord Diavolo had sat down with him in the castle gardens for tea. Every time his celestial-given name left the prince’s mouth, he felt knives in his chest. Every time Barbatos addressed him as “lady” he had to blink back tears. Lucifer wanted to ask them to stop, but what reason could he possibly have? Wouldn’t he sound insane to them?
“Young Master,” Barbatos spoke up after standing quietly to the side for a while. “It seems that our guest is having a difficult time.”
Lucifer quickly stood, dress immediately catching on the chair and causing him to stumble. “No, I am alright,” he lied, eyes scanning everywhere but the two before him. “I just remembered, I promised to read to Satan tonight. I must take my leave.” The sound of his own voice caused his stomach to twist.
“Allow us to accompany you,” Lord Diavolo said his name, and Lucifer could no longer keep the tears in. One slipped down his face, and the two before him went deathly silent. Of course, the prince couldn’t be lied to, but he didn’t want to use that to get Lucifer to admit his issue. “Are you… sure that you are alright?”
Lucifer hated the pity in Lord Diavolo’s voice, especially since he was the same man that used distress to get him to vow loyalty. How dare he pretend to care! Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Lucifer shook his head. “I’m quite alright. It was an eyelash.”
Before either of them could stop him, Lucifer hurriedly left the gardens. “Barbatos…” Lord Diavolo turned to face his butler. “Do you have any idea what this is about?”
“I’m afraid I do not. Would you like me to utilize my power, Young Master?” Of course, Barbatos had an idea. He was an observant individual, and as someone who wasn’t necessarily the gender expected of him, he could pick up on it.
“No… I suppose I will have to wait…”
;
Later that night, Barbatos was sent to the House of Lamentation to bring Lucifer unprecedented urgent paperwork. Upon his arrival, he knocked and waited for someone to answer. The door swung open, revealing Beelzebub. “Lord Barbatos?”
“Just Barbatos. I am merely a butler.”
“Right.”
Gesturing to the file tucked in his arm, Barbatos told him, “I am here to give these papers to the Avatar of Pride.”
“Okay.” Beelzebub stepped out of the way, then closed the door after Barbatos came in. “Probably in the office.”
Barbatos thanked Beelzebub before heading upstairs, sighing once he was sure no one would hear. He followed the way to Lucifer’s office, then knocked on the door. “Who is it?”
“Barbatos. I have brought urgent paperwork.” There was shuffling on the other side, then a heavy exhale. When the door opened, Barbatos couldn’t help gasping. Lucifer’s face was flushed, eyes red, and his cheeks were damp from the tears that still clawed down his face. “Still having eyelash issues?”
Lucifer growled, but it didn’t frighten Barbatos one bit. “Just give me the paperwork.”
Handing over the envelope, Barbatos couldn’t help but search for some sort of sign that Lucifer may tell him what was wrong. Perhaps he was misunderstanding the cause of so much distress? “If I may—”
“You may not,” Lucifer snapped. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I’m frustrated enough.”
“What has you so frustrated, exactly?” Barbatos didn’t understand why he cared so much. Lucifer was just another servant, after all; a fallen angel so desperate he gave up his independence to a certain degree. “Perhaps I could help.”
Lucifer huffed, a trembling smile spreading across his face. “I doubt it. I’m just unwell.”
“Unwell?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lucifer began to shut the door, but Barbatos stopped his movement. “Are demons always so pushy?”
Unwilling to admit he was genuinely concerned for the morning star, Barbatos told him, “I am simply doing as expected with my duty as a butler. If I were to turn a blind eye to your unease, it would hinder Lord Diavolo.” Before Lucifer could argue, he added, “Furthermore, it is obviously an affliction that should not be ignored. Under any assumption I could help resolve some of your discontent, it would be wrong of me not to do so.”
Lucifer was silent for a while. After wiping off his cheeks once more, he opened the door enough to allow Barbatos to enter. The butler did so and sat with Lucifer at the desk, both staring at each other’s faces. “You will think I am insane.”
“I doubt that will be the case.” Barbatos watched Lucifer set the envelope down before folding his hands on the surface of the desk. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on before jumping to conclusions?”
Lucifer fidgeted his feet, then took a deep breath before staring into nothing. “I… have always found discomfort in my… body…” he began, feeling strange saying such. “I don’t like… being called a woman, despite being one. I hate it.”
There was a stretch of silence, and Barbatos half expected to be kicked out of the office. It was as he thought. “I see.” He bit the inside of his cheek, then decided to continue. “I… do not think you’re insane.”
“Liar.”
“Let me finish,” Barbatos insisted. When Lucifer didn’t say anything more, Barbatos went on, “I have never felt like a man or a woman. Neither of them are exactly the correct word for me. There may not ever be a word that resonates with me quite right.” Barbatos made a weak smile. “I do not know if that is the case for you, but as far as I can tell, you are probably suffering from gender dysphoria.”
“Gender… dysphoria…?” Lucifer knitted his eyebrows and stared at his hands. “Is there… a term for it celestial tongue…?” Barbatos thought for a moment, then uttered the phrase. “Oh…” A few tears rolled down Lucifer’s face. “Oh… Simeon… has that…”
“How do you mean?”
“Simeon told me once, they have similar feelings as you…” Lucifer mumbled. “When they went to speak with Michael, he was very nice about it… saying many angels have an issue in creation…” He felt his chest tightening with panic. There was no way he didn’t realize something like this about himself, right? Surely there was another explanation! He was a perfect vision… “We began to use more neutral terms for Simeon, and they… felt better…”
Barbatos wasn’t sure how to properly help. The fallen angel was trembling with crushed pride. “Have you perhaps been… ignoring your needs out of… stubbornness?”
“I…” Lucifer choked down a sob, then muttered, “So what? I can’t… just… I’m…” Words failed to come to him, and a frustrated, tiny scream left his lips as he buried his face in his palms. He ran his hands over his forehead and through his hair, violently shaking from having to deal with reality now that it was out in the open. “Surely I can’t take care of it under Lord Diavolo’s oath. He wouldn’t stand it. I-I mean, he doesn’t call you neutral terms, so why would he change anything for me, the fallen angel?”
“I continue to use masculine terms because it doesn’t bother me,” Barbatos told him gently. “Every person with gender dysphoria has different needs. I simply feel no gender suits me. I present myself as I see fit.” He could tell Lucifer was listening, so he continued, “My question is, do you feel that any gender suits you outside what you were taught to believe?”
Trembling and crying, Lucifer shrugged and hid his face behind his hair. “I haven’t even entertained the idea, s-so…”
“Alright…” Barbatos very carefully laid a hand on Lucifer’s head, mustering a kind smile. “We can take this slowly. It will be alright.”
my alastor is tfem so i use she/her on her and he/him on lucifer bc he is tmasc... >_<!!
i think bc of alastor's aroaceness she loves very differently and maybe not exactly romantic but lucifer knows yet it doesn't bother him... he loves alastor and he knows she loves him and that's all that matters...
they are not quite qpr but not quite romantic either... it's somewhere safe in between that that is ok with them <3
