I've always envied men/boys. and I used to be a hopeless romantic, because I stared at the men a lot, and my parents told me it was because I was in love with them. (Among other reasons of course)
I don't idolize men. I think there are lots of men in the world who have done and continue to do horrible things, including to me in my past
but I've always admired the way they talk, form friendships, dress, carry themselves, sing
I've been especially envious of feminine men, or men who are variant in their presentation (like myself)
I view femininity as important to the ecosystem, and fun to wear as a costume, but I must be allowed to take it off (both literally and socially) at the end of the day
when I look in the mirror I cannot see myself as anything other than a man on a biological level (and usually also on a mental level but there is variance between androgynous feminine and masculine presentation which I believe is significant enough to label as part of my gender but I digress)
I used to get confused as a toddler and ask my mom when I was allowed to be a boy, or what it was like to be a boy, or asking why I wasn't born a boy
because at the very base I am still a man and even back then I was a little boy forced to act like a girl
I'd argue even physically I am a man. I was assigned AFAB but I have hyperandrogenic PMOS and had both a male and female puberty (to try to describe it I suppose?), so I have the masculine physical structure (broad shoulders, taller than average for 'women', sharper jawline, big hands, longer ring fingers, big feet) with the feminine traits (thick hips, breasts, thighs), and thick leg/facial hair.
but only because I had a vagina and XX chromosomes (presumably, have never been tested) when I was born I was forced to be a woman . in all ways but socially I was and still am a man. I absolve to change that.
