I don’t know if this is going make any sense at all, but I’ve seen a lot of your blog and I thought this could be a safe place to ask. With physical abuse, it’s always been played back in my head like a movie, like it didn’t actually happen to me like it was a daydream or just a dream and I don’t feel the effects of it or remember it as if it was something that happened to me until recently when I was just doing something mundane and ordinary and suddenly it just hit me that it happened. That I was physically assaulted by someone and it wasn’t just something that plays in the back of my mind, it’s not just a fact about me, or like a daydream, it was an actual event. That happened to me. That I experienced. That it was real. Why does it not click for me that it actually happened? That I actually experienced that moment? It almost feels fake or made up even though I know it’s not?
What you're experiencing is a normal response to trauma. Sometimes the experience of trauma is so unbelievable even to us the ones it has happened to that we have a hard time wrapping our minds around it.
I’ll share with you some things that may be occurring.
Trauma can significantly impact the brain’s structure and function. When a person experiences trauma, their brain goes into survival mode. This activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions like fear. The prefrontal cortex, which is involved in decision-making and regulating emotions, becomes less active. This imbalance can lead to heightened emotional responses and difficulty processing the traumatic event.
Dissociation creates a sense of detachment from the event.
Trauma blocking is a defense mechanism that may be employed by someone with PTSD. It involves subconsciously inhibiting emotional responses to protect oneself from overwhelming feelings associated with traumatic memories. By “blocking” these emotions, one attempts to shield themselves from additional pain and distress. Unfortunately, this can lead to a general state of emotional detachment, making it difficult to express any feelings.
Trauma denial is when a person unconsciously avoids acknowledging the existence, impact, or severity of a traumatic event. This denial can manifest in various ways, such as minimising the trauma, refusing to talk about it, or convincing oneself that the event didn’t happen or wasn’t as bad as it truly was. Trauma denial occurs due to the brain’s attempt to protect us from overwhelming stress and emotional pain. The brain’s primary function is to ensure survival, and when faced with a traumatic event, it can perceive the intense emotions associated with that event as a threat to its stability and effective functioning.
Ruminating thoughts are excessive or repetitive thoughts about negative experiences. Rumination, or thinking repetitively about one's distress, is a risk factor for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Current theories suggest that rumination contributes to PTSD symptoms directly, by increasing negative reactions to trauma cues (i.e., symptom exacerbation), or represents a form of cognitive avoidance, if verbal ruminations are less distressing than trauma imagery. Source
I hope this helps some.
Take care,
Oz
