#trauma mess

[fosterlimbo]

Graduation?

Curly Sue “graduated” both OT and Therapy today. We are not a perfect family. But we’ve come a long way since we started both back in August. Therapist asked me how I felt about ending therapy. I feel like we are living our normal right now—and that may not look like anyone else’s normal. CS still melts over seemingly little things. Her ability to be resilient in the face of everyday life stressors (not being line leader, sister picked the book first, mom won’t let you eat 12 pieces of cake) varies greatly from day to day with no real discernible pattern or predictors. Some days she has more control than others— sometimes I can say, “Don’t you dare throw that boot at me!” And she won’t. Other times the boot is already flying before I can say a thing.

But this is who we are for now. I am not sure how beneficial OT or therapy were for her—the 2 hrs of quiet time in the waiting rooms were great for me. The meds made the biggest difference and I’m hoping our current med plan works for a while.

[fosterlimbo]

Graduating therapy?

Curly Sue’s therapist and I decided to skip a few weeks and we will check back in first of May. But that will prob be it.

Lordy it has been a long road. CS has always been .... challenging. As a 15 month old she SCREAMED for 6+ hours a day. But she was meeting all developmental milestones so no one (except me) was worried. Her behavior continued to be extreme as a 2 yr old, and as a 3 yr old. At 4 she threw shoes, screamed about nap time, knocked over chairs at daycare was having mega epic meltdowns at home. Doctors wouldn’t consider medication- she’s too young. We’ll see how Kindergarten goes they said. Told me behaviors are normal, kids go through phases.

She turned 5, and the violence intensified. I was being hit and kicked for an hour or more a day. I had to lock Sunshine in her room. CS would unlock they door with a paint brush. I was living in an abusive relationship with my 5 yr old. It was horrible. Still no one seemed to believe me.

Finally, called the care coordinator at the doctors office who has known my girls since infancy. Sobbed on the phone to her, poured my heart out. She got me an appointment with a different doctor in the office who listened. Sobbed in his office too. He got us a referral to a Neuropsych practice (cries there too). Care coordinator made dozens of phone calls and got us a therapist appointment (yep, more tears at that intake appointment).

Meds prescribed, adjusted twice, weekly therapy for 6 months.

Finally I feel like I can breathe. We are able to walk into a store. We can eat dinner together at the table. We’ve even been able to read books together on occasion. I’m not walking on egg shells. I’m not living in hell. I feel like we can actually live.

She has not been magically transformed to a perfect child, but she and I have both learned some valuable coping skills and we’re doing good.

[fosterlimbo]

Just venting.

I was reminded tonight of why I only drive thru places and avoid going out in public.

Stopped at subway for dinner. CS took in putty to play with while we waited- to keep her occupied/distracted. Normal kid bickering until we had to leave. CS flips and starts hitting Sunshine. I had to drag CS out screaming and kicking. Held on to her (still kicking, hitting and yelling) through the parking lot to keep her from running into traffic or attacking Sunshine again. Fought her into the car seat. She screamed about how much she hated me and Sunshine for the 5 min ride home. Started attacking again as soon as I parked in the driveway. Held her arm and had Sunshine stand back while I unlocked the house and turned off the alarm so Sunshine could go in to her bedroom and shut the door. CS prob hit/kicked me about 50 times during all this and landed a couple on Sunshine. Now my children are being babysat by screens while I cry in the bedroom.

Repeat to some varying degree at bedtime. Repeat to some degree getting ready for school tomorrow.