Foster Limbo

Forced my way through "limbo" as a single foster mom. Now adoptive mom to my two girlies.

[fosterlimbo]

Facebook parents can suck it

Take your kids and their 87 awards and shut the eff up.

My kid got “most improved”. That’s it. And I about burst out in tears of pride. My baby has come so far this year! I’m about to cry just thinking about it now. Where we were in August was a family on the brink of crisis. Nope. We were in crisis. Circling the drain. Now— we are far from perfect but we have a very manageable ‘normal for us’ thing going on. Sunshine, Curly Sue and I have a 1/2 day of school left, then nearly 8 glorious weeks of summer.

[fosterlimbo]

Sooo ready for summer vacation

This teacher is tired. Tired of fighting the crazy in my class and tired of fighting my own children to get ready in the morning. 11 1/2 more days and then it won’t matter if they run around in their under wear all day.

[fosterlimbo]

Other parents:

My child reads 2 grades ahead, or has been on A honor roll for the last 3 years, or got 17 awards at the assembly.

Me: (ecstatic) My child brought home a sticky note saying she was nice to her friends in music today. (A big change from the note on her report card.)

[fosterlimbo]

Sunshine ☀️

She sometimes gets lost in the shuffle because CS needs soooo much of my time.

But this kid is amazing. After I wake her up in the morning she gets herself dressed, teeth brushed, shoes on, and then makes lunches for herself and CS and lately she has started putting things in for me too. Today I got a salad that I made last night, pretzels and 3 cheese sticks. Sometimes I forget to tell her how amazing she is.

I know she gets super frustrated because CS can be so annoying and loud and aggressive and she is the complete opposite. I’ve got to figure out how to do better for her.

[fosterlimbo]

Pretty sure her medicine is helping during the day.

[fosterlimbo]

Rough day

I am having a rough day. It’s my planning day- we get 3 hrs just 1 day a week while our students are at music, art etc.

I can’t make my brain do anything. I’m scattered and overwhelmed and I don’t even know why. I just want to curl up in my empty classroom and cry.

Then my team mate says to me she bets that it’s because this weekend is Mother’s Day.

My mom died from her cancer treatments 8 yrs ago at the end of this month. It hadn’t even registered to me that it was Mother’s Day. (I’m a single mom, so we don’t really celebrate it.)

[fosterlimbo]

I’m tired- school wore me slap out today. So my girls made their own dinners. Curly Sue picked yogurt, strawberries and pretzels. Sunshine made 2 pieces of toast— one topped with jelly and the other with butter and pepperoni.

[fosterlimbo]

Weirdo 5th graders

My students have lost their minds. Even the good ones. One of my best 5th graders kissed another kid on the playground and then BEGGED me not to tell their parent. (I didn’t.)

They made the hugest mess in the cafeteria today and I made the offenders stay and clean the whole cafeteria (we eat last).

I couldn’t turn my back on any of them today without chaos erupting.

Spring fever? Middle school-itis? Who knows.

[fosterlimbo]

Star Wars Marathon...part 1?

Didn’t mean to. But the girls and I had a Star Wars marathon today. We watched episodes 4,5,6. I was just searching the roku to see if I could find them (TBS app has them all), and they asked to watch it. And they seemed into it and asked to watch the second... then the third. They ask 8 million questions and we paused it 673 times for snacks and bathroom and to explain things. Curly Sue was adamant that Jabba the Hut was the grossest thing ever. And they were both very concerned that Luke was going to turn evil and join Darth Vader.

Now we we will see if there are nightmares tonight. (Sunshine had nightmares after Zootopia so it’s a serious possibility.)

[fosterlimbo]

Graduation?

Curly Sue “graduated” both OT and Therapy today. We are not a perfect family. But we’ve come a long way since we started both back in August. Therapist asked me how I felt about ending therapy. I feel like we are living our normal right now—and that may not look like anyone else’s normal. CS still melts over seemingly little things. Her ability to be resilient in the face of everyday life stressors (not being line leader, sister picked the book first, mom won’t let you eat 12 pieces of cake) varies greatly from day to day with no real discernible pattern or predictors. Some days she has more control than others— sometimes I can say, “Don’t you dare throw that boot at me!” And she won’t. Other times the boot is already flying before I can say a thing.

But this is who we are for now. I am not sure how beneficial OT or therapy were for her—the 2 hrs of quiet time in the waiting rooms were great for me. The meds made the biggest difference and I’m hoping our current med plan works for a while.

[fosterlimbo]

Curly Sue was wound up after school being very LOUD and making lots of noises- way more than usual. High pitch screeching, noises with her mouth/tongue- non-stop.

But then I had to stop at the pharmacy to drop her prescription off, that’s when things derailed. I couldn’t get her out of the store-she kept flopping onto the ground. I couldn’t get her into the car or into her seat. She was jumping through the car, SCREAMING, hitting, and kicking both me and Sunshine. I had to pull Sunshine out though the back of the van to get her away from CS. CS kept getting out of the car and running through the parking lot, running even further if I tried to go near her. @sometimesmommy had to come and help me get her into the car. I ended up driving her home unbuckled while she climbed over all the seats and in and out of the back of the van. My sister followed me home to help make sure I didn’t get into an accident.

I seriously think I have some form of PTSD from the months (years?) of physical violence from CS. I just wanted to curl up and cry in that parking lot. I couldn’t think my way out of it, which is why I had to call my sister.

[fosterlimbo]

Do you see all the swirls of yellow in the puddle? That is why I haven’t been able to breathe for for a week. Why I can’t even think of accomplishing anything without Sudafed. Hopefully with all the rain today, breathing will be a bit more comfortable tomorrow.

[fosterlimbo]

Sunshine (out of the blue and from the other room): I miss mama C.

Me: Its ok to feel that way. Why do you think you are missing her today?

Sunshine: Because I can’t see her and we don’t know where she is.

Me: It’s ok to miss people when they aren’t around. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better today?

Sunshine: ....

Y’all. She wrote her mama a note and stuck it on the photo we keep of her in the living room. Inside it simply says, “Mama cómo estás?”

[moosepower]

🐝: hey! Look!

🧓: mmm?

🐝: a rock!

🧓: that sure is a rock

🐝: I know! I’ll put it in my pocket! That’s a good place for it, right?

[fosterlimbo]

Curly Sue used to pick up every rock she saw. Tiny. Huge. Didn’t matter. We couldn’t walk from the car through the daycare parking lot without picking up some tiny piece of gravel. They were in her pockets, my pockets, coat pockets, and book bags. The back of my van always had rocks rolling around that I was not allowed to liberate to the yard. She picks up less rocks these days but we still stop bike rides to pick up pine cones, sticks, flowers, and the occasional rock.

[sweetlittledaisy7]

Why do adoptive parents lie or keep things from kids?

I don’t understand why. Why not talk to them about the truth? Why keep things from them? Why lie?

[fosterlimbo]

This made me think for a while this afternoon. What I decided was, for me, I don’t feel like I’m lying to my kids by keeping some details from them at this point. They were 15 months and 2 1/2 yrs when they came to live with me. They are 6 and 7 now. They have always known they were adopted from foster care. They know Mama C couldn’t take care of them anymore and that she knows they were all adopted together. We have her picture in our house. But they don’t know all the details about why and how they came into care. I feel like that is their story and I’m only the temporary guardian of that story until they are mature enough to carry it themselves.

I fully plan on telling them everything, at some point. But right now, they don’t know what things to share what to keep to themselves. If they knew all the details they would inadvertently share those and you can’t take that back. I wouldn’t want someone to use the details to target them, make fun of them, or hurt them. I plan on the full story coming out bit by bit as they get older and more curious and ask more questions. I’ve never lied, but answer their questions with what I feel are age appropriate answers. ((Like when a 5yr old asks where babies come from, they don’t really need or want ALL the details.))

In the unlikely event something happens to me, all the details are in paperwork that I have in their keepsake boxes.

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Mid childhood crisis

Curly Sue has been six for less than a month. Tonight she was sobbing in bed because she doesn’t want to be a teenager.

Reasons:

-she will have to go to college and will never see me again

- she will be too big for her (twin) bed

- she just wants to be my little girl

No consoling would help her tonight. Finally convinced her to take her dragon and go to sleep listening to Junie B Jones on Audible, I told her we could figure it out in the morning.

[fosterlimbo]

Graduating therapy?

Curly Sue’s therapist and I decided to skip a few weeks and we will check back in first of May. But that will prob be it.

Lordy it has been a long road. CS has always been .... challenging. As a 15 month old she SCREAMED for 6+ hours a day. But she was meeting all developmental milestones so no one (except me) was worried. Her behavior continued to be extreme as a 2 yr old, and as a 3 yr old. At 4 she threw shoes, screamed about nap time, knocked over chairs at daycare was having mega epic meltdowns at home. Doctors wouldn’t consider medication- she’s too young. We’ll see how Kindergarten goes they said. Told me behaviors are normal, kids go through phases.

She turned 5, and the violence intensified. I was being hit and kicked for an hour or more a day. I had to lock Sunshine in her room. CS would unlock they door with a paint brush. I was living in an abusive relationship with my 5 yr old. It was horrible. Still no one seemed to believe me.

Finally, called the care coordinator at the doctors office who has known my girls since infancy. Sobbed on the phone to her, poured my heart out. She got me an appointment with a different doctor in the office who listened. Sobbed in his office too. He got us a referral to a Neuropsych practice (cries there too). Care coordinator made dozens of phone calls and got us a therapist appointment (yep, more tears at that intake appointment).

Meds prescribed, adjusted twice, weekly therapy for 6 months.

Finally I feel like I can breathe. We are able to walk into a store. We can eat dinner together at the table. We’ve even been able to read books together on occasion. I’m not walking on egg shells. I’m not living in hell. I feel like we can actually live.

She has not been magically transformed to a perfect child, but she and I have both learned some valuable coping skills and we’re doing good.