#trick_or_tweet

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 10, 2009

The Kindle app lets me read a book on my iPhone while listening to a book on my iPhone. I'm reading "Wuthering Mockingbird" or something. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104

The best thing about babies is using the soft spot to hold your drink. Just push, twist, and you don't want me to babysit anymore, do you? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 96

I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 94

I'm so old and boring my safe word is STOP. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 91

Time flies when you're paying by the hour. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

I reached between her legs and whisked something out. I shrieked: "IS THIS YOUR CARD?" Lost my OB/GYN license but gained your mother! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77

Scientist have successfully regrown rabbit penises. Offering men with erectile dysfunction hope that they, too, can have a rabbit penis. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73

That Facebook notification should say "Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever." @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

That salad was so disgusting I had to eat an entire carton of ice cream just to get the taste out of my mouth. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 70

I don't have any specialized education or training in awkward hugging, but man oh man do I have a lot of field experience. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61

My Captain Crunch got soggy, and it made me think of how fragile life really is. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 61

"What was our neighbor's name again?" "Uh, I don't remember." "What was his dog's name?" "Jack." @poeks (Poeks) – 58

If Dockers and a golf shirt are wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or fashionable. Or remotely attractive to the opposite sex. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

If you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re really fucked if you run into anything face first. @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury's Tail) – 55

Profoundly funny tweet #5573641990 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 54

Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn't Santa! Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

All three of my meals today were vegetarian. In other words, an entire day *wasted*. @Moltz (Moltz) – 49

After starting your fourth email with "I'm not neurotic or anything," you kind of have to accept your defeat. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49

I'm definitely going home with the Mom of the Year award. I took the double A's out of my vibrator so my son can play SpongeBob Operation. @crackbarbie (Crack Barbie) – 49

[thisdayinfavrd]

October 26, 2009

For 18 years, you feed them, clothe them, nurture them. But as soon as you uncuff them, they catch the first flight back to Bangkok. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 129

I wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but nobody in Boston knows what the hell that is. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 123

Citizens of Italy, I have a confession to make. Whenever I see your flag, I think, "Basil, mozzarella, tomatoes." I'm so sorry. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104

Always remember to close all parentheses. We're not paying to air condition the entire paragraph. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 87

There comes a time to ask yourself "What Would [X] Do?" where X = the person who would most likely do what you're going to do anyway. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 83

The “opt-out” public health care plan will allow red states to cut off their noses to spite their faces and not have the procedure covered. @gruber (John Gruber) – 82

Drinking tea. Listening to Radiohead. Writing about email. All I need is a black friend, and I'd be the whitest person I know. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 81

It must be horrible to get laid off from your job at the unemployment office. "See you tomorrow." @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 78

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 65

The plural of "vagina" is "vaginas." The plural of "penis" is gross, nobody wants to read about that. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 62

Some days I wish I was a Disney character. Mainly so I could have woodland creatures do my work. Also: hot chicks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

Turns out the "Stolen" ads on craigslist aren't for bragging about your latest thefts. Anyway, I've been arrested. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 58

I'm in the phase of writing a report where I move sections of text around in an outline on the screen. My god, I feel so _alive_. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

AFAIK, @gruber, all Apple employees use an enterprise app. But, Steve doesn't own a calendar; he just yells until it's the day he wanted. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55

The phone reception was bad and my friend's advice seemed odd but I must admit, after a night of mounting sheep, I have no problem sleeping. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

In Chicago doing the tourist thing. No luck finding a gift shop selling souvenir senate seats. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

I wish being a little funnier "went viral." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49

I realized some of my life goals were a little unrealistic. I'm now aiming for "Don't end up on a TLC documentary or A&E reality series." @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 49

San Francisco has too much human poop on the streets for tourists not to notice; yet there's not nearly enough to ski on. It's frustrating. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49

Active verbs should be used frequently, just like your mom. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 49

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 20, 2009

Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 139

Can't wait to see 'Where The Wild Things Are.' Not to brag, but I've read the book. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 114

I only ask myself "What would Jesus do?" if I don't want to shave. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 109

"Two caramel macchiatti," I said to the barista, using the correct Italian plural, as something inside me quietly died. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 72

My Ex Mother in Law? She’s a super-callous, vag-ballistic Ex be à la doucheous. But I try not to judge. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 62

I wouldn't say I'm a devout atheist--I only really get into it on Christmas and Easter. @poeks (Poeks) – 60

Was able to pee in a trough in a crowded restroom at the football game with NO stage fright. This is definitely going in my scrapbook. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 54

Yo, Popeye, Ima let you spinach… @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 51

1st Pumpkin Latte of the season, you cost me $5.00 (and a large chunk of my masculinity) but you are so worth it. Don't judge. I'm PMSing. @LovableDoofus (Unavailable) – 49

I think that women should get a 2nd stick in the pregnancy test kit that they cry on to see if we're going to leave them. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 49

In a hotel room with 3 other drunken girls. This is how pornos start. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 49

My iPhone just autocorrected "burritos" into "buttocks" which is kind of prescient, actually. @biorhythmist (matt) – 41

Seeing that obese beagle running loose twice on my jog means his owners need to control him, and that at some point, he must have passed me. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 40

Sure, I ask myself what Jesus would do. Every time I run out of wine. @ImAVeronica (Maria Alisa Santiago) – 38

Side effect of too many westerns: the boy is pretty concerned about getting gangrene. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 38

God, I love atheists. @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 37

Unlike geese, moose always have the element of surprise because you never know if it's just one or a bunch of them. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 37

I note, with some disappointment, that Tostitos communion wafers still aren't a thing. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 36

Dear houseguests: The boy is into mummies right now, so we've had to start hiding the toilet paper. Sorry for the inconvenience. @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 36

I just made creamy peanut butter into lip gloss. Yes. I am drunk. @damselesque (Beth) – 35