breakfast- a complicated smoothie as mentioned in a previous post where I literally had to rant it. why not to my jeff? ol besti jeff. thats some meat I def miss. video chat yoga was fun. but im so confused... god I love that tumblr is like a hollow little blue void I get to chatter into where no one listens but it doesn't feel like as private as a notebook like what are the odds “someone I know” comes across this shit. who do I really even know anymore besides coworkers haha.. I used to know a lot of people. but my behavior changed that haha! anyways... those are my breakfast thoughts (I just smoked a bowl)
lumch- that was a typo I enjoyed. which reminds me is something my old friends would find funny. the typos. do I miss those people or do I miss their attention? anyways..... lumch, sweet potato fries. starchy agh. AND PLANT RANCH
dinner- grabbed a box of mac n cheese whole grain noodles bc i figured that was okay, and cooked em with some garlic and onion pasta sauce. I was proud of myself for keeping my hands off the parm bottle whoo that was my favorite. it was okay. idk if it affected my blood sugar too bad.. which is something I recently have been getting paranoid about......... just paranoia though. and im doing something about it so its not like im just gonna keep doing the things im doing to give me this lil hypchondria moment. I’ve had a lot of those in my life btw. to the point of making people take me to the hospital bc I was positive I was dying of something but id also like to mention I smoke way too much weed than my little brain wants to handle sometimes.
snack- lots and lots of my favorite complex carbohydrate! cheerios, and oat milk ofc. the vegan thing is proving to be shockingly easy but like my incessant need to keep my mouth occupies is not diminishing haha. I wonder what kind of activity I need to be doing to like.. diminish this mouth, tongue, taste fixation I think I have like I dont need to fill my body with more food I literally just want to bring something to my mouth... hmm...
water- obviously the answer why didnt I think that before. lemon water is interesting for my mouth too I could experiment with that. If I have to work around an obvious emotional soothing problem I just need to modify what im using to soothe. weed is a hard one though. because its a substance that changes my perspective immensely like things are just accentuated with weed, the good the bad, mostly good tbh haha, and going without something I used consistently throughout adolescence to sort of navigate my life at that time is.. huge. I dont wanna say “hard” bc thats putting up a block, and in a way increasing the size of it might be a block as well but in a way, I want to take it as what it is, and metaphorically thats a huge ass mountain. which is the most satisfying to climb. so I can either keep accounting for all the details of what it looks like down here on the side of the mountain and adapting to this lower level living or I can fucking climb the mountain. and if anyone reads this, I hope its spirit, not only bc I just remembered I want to connect more, but because that was a badass metaphor and I feel like it might have come from them. but anyways. this blog is becoming much more cathartic and releasing that I initially anticipated, I like this. but also I am high. so things are likable. oh, ive been drinking a bit today, had about 5 big classes which is about 9 or 10 cups. not bad id say. my peeing has been concerning me- but I think im just dehydrated from not drinking water as regularly as I need to. bc the pisses are about 40- mins to and hr about when my bladder is tight and full and i can feel it full yknow? but right now after I just did my just dance, its been like almost 2 hours since a piss so idk. they were pretty frequent the day before. I wish I knew what that meant, what my body was telling me exactly.
okay so I spiffed up my organization of this part which im cheesed about.
mental, emotional, physical state- I was doing separate sections but they were interloping so much it was like what. im so tired rn my speech is about to be so lazy im ready to just brush my teeth and wash my face and go night night, which is not something ive been doing consistently, even though its something I want to do! my nails are so brittle they're catching on everything and bleeding. never getting acrylics again. my complexion looks really good, no new breakouts, no redness, my chin is clearing. my thoughts and awareness and plans, are not lining up with my actions, and.. yeah thats my state. I was anxious today about possibly having prediabetes but I have to reminds myself something like that is completely reversible, if that is whats happening to me. im a filthy mess, my rooms a mess, im digesting a bunch of starch but hey! the heats on! winky’s sleeping cozy, I am still cute as fuck in my filthy state, I still havent eaten any dairy or meat, I’m alive, I have money, I have a cozy bed, and I have the privilege to make independent decisions about my life and my future, and i am incredibly thankful for every bit of it.
