basically a diary

the daily ramblings and records of a 19 yr old american female navigating a new diet, a new job, a problematic family, and a dying social life warning: I write some pretty lengthy rants idk if you want to have to scroll through all that on your feed

[witchstuff101]

How to Set Up An Altar:

Tools: 

Athame, Wand, Book of Shadows, Candle/incense holders, Playing or Tarot Cards, Cauldron, Small Jars. Ribbons, Bones (don’t kill anything and make sure it’s ok to pick them up though), Chalice, Boline, Altar Cloths, and Bessom.

The Elements: 

Air: Feathers, Smoke, Wand, Symbols, Candles, A Hand Fan, Bells, Pictures, of the Sky, Streamers, Spoons, and Art of Birds, Angels, and Faeries. 

Fire: Lighters, Matches, Candles, Incense, Cauldron, Athame, Symbols, and Fire Opal. 

Water: A Chalice, A Bowl of Water (it can be sun water, seawater, rainwater, etc), Seashells, A Mirror, Mermaid or Fish Statues, Symbols, and Blue Candles. 

Earth: Salt, Crystals, Herbs, Flowers, Dirt, Wood, Green Candles, Bones, Leaves, and Pictures of Trees and Nature in General. 

Gods and Goddesses: 

Have colors/animals/flowers/herbs that they’re connected to on your altar, leave them offerings, have a picture or a statue of them, have 2 sides of your altar (one for the god and one for the goddess), have prayer beads, and a god and goddess candle. 

Advice: 

Do what works for you, if you can’t have a huge altar with a lot of tools, thats fine. You make an altar out of an Altoids tin or a shoebox. 

You can make altars for sabots, the fae, your deities, or the elements. You can also decorate your altar for the seasons or the sabots too. 

If you don’t believe in any gods or goddesses, you don’t have to believe in them or put representations of them on your altar to be a witch. Personally, I’m secular and I don’t work with any deities/spirits. 

Take my advice with a pinch of salt. You don’t have to follow exactly what I say, these are just ideas. This is your practice and you can do whatever you want to. Don’t be pressured to do something just because someone told you to, this is your practice; not theirs. 

Thank you for reading this and have a magickal day! ❤❤❤

[bb-e3rie]

just hit 4k, thank you guys!

[veganbased]

day 2

breakfast- a complicated smoothie as mentioned in a previous post where I literally had to rant it. why not to my jeff? ol besti jeff. thats some meat I def miss. video chat yoga was fun. but im so confused... god I love that tumblr is like a hollow little blue void I get to chatter into where no one listens but it doesn't feel like as private as a notebook like what are the odds “someone I know” comes across this shit. who do I really even know anymore besides coworkers haha.. I used to know a lot of people. but my behavior changed that haha! anyways... those are my breakfast thoughts (I just smoked a bowl) 

lumch- that was a typo I enjoyed. which reminds me is something my old friends would find funny. the typos. do I miss those people or do I miss their attention? anyways..... lumch, sweet potato fries. starchy agh. AND PLANT RANCH

dinner- grabbed a box of mac n cheese whole grain noodles bc i figured that was okay, and cooked em with some garlic and onion pasta sauce. I was proud of myself for keeping my hands off the parm bottle whoo that was my favorite. it was okay. idk if it affected my blood sugar too bad.. which is something I recently have been getting paranoid about......... just paranoia though. and im doing something about it so its not like im just gonna keep doing the things im doing to give me this lil hypchondria moment. I’ve had a lot of those in my life btw. to the point of making people take me to the hospital bc I was positive I was dying of something but id also like to mention I smoke way too much weed than my little brain wants to handle sometimes. 

snack- lots and lots of my favorite complex carbohydrate! cheerios, and oat milk ofc. the vegan thing is proving to be shockingly easy but like my incessant need to keep my mouth occupies is not diminishing haha. I wonder what kind of activity I need to be doing to like.. diminish this mouth, tongue, taste fixation I think I have like I dont need to fill my body with more food I literally just want to bring something to my mouth... hmm...

water- obviously the answer why didnt I think that before. lemon water is interesting for my mouth too I could experiment with that. If I have to work around an obvious emotional soothing problem I just need to modify what im using to soothe. weed is a hard one though. because its a substance that changes my perspective immensely like things are just accentuated with weed, the good the bad, mostly good tbh haha, and going without something I used consistently throughout adolescence to sort of navigate my life at that time is.. huge. I dont wanna say “hard” bc thats putting up a block, and in a way increasing the size of it might be a block as well but in a way, I want to take it as what it is, and metaphorically thats a huge ass mountain. which is the most satisfying to climb. so I can either keep accounting for all the details of what it looks like down here on the side of the mountain and adapting to this lower level living or I can fucking climb the mountain. and if anyone reads this, I hope its spirit, not only bc I just remembered I want to connect more, but because that was a badass metaphor and I feel like it might have come from them. but anyways. this blog is becoming much more cathartic and releasing that I initially anticipated, I like this. but also I am high. so things are likable. oh, ive been drinking a bit today, had about 5 big classes which is about 9 or 10 cups. not bad id say. my peeing has been concerning me- but I think im just dehydrated from not drinking water as regularly as I need to. bc the pisses are about 40- mins to and hr about when my bladder is tight and full and i can feel it full yknow? but right now after I just did my just dance, its been like almost 2 hours since a piss so idk. they were pretty frequent the day before. I wish I knew what that meant, what my body was telling me exactly. 

okay so I spiffed up my organization of this part which im cheesed about. 

mental, emotional, physical state- I was doing separate sections but they were interloping so much it was like what. im so tired rn my speech is about to be so lazy im ready to just brush my teeth and wash my face and go night night, which is not something ive been doing consistently, even though its something I want to do! my nails are so brittle they're catching on everything and bleeding. never getting acrylics again. my complexion looks really good, no new breakouts, no redness, my chin is clearing. my thoughts and awareness and plans, are not lining up with my actions, and.. yeah thats my state. I was anxious today about possibly having prediabetes but I have to reminds myself something like that is completely reversible, if that is whats happening to me. im a filthy mess, my rooms a mess, im digesting a bunch of starch but hey! the heats on! winky’s sleeping cozy, I am still cute as fuck in my filthy state, I still havent eaten any dairy or meat, I’m alive, I have money, I have a cozy bed, and I have the privilege to make independent decisions about my life and my future, and i am incredibly thankful for every bit of it. 

[veganbased]

okay so I made a random smoothie again. buncha shit. a whole green apple, banana, old ass frozen strawberries (whatever), some apple cider vinegar bc y not, coconut milk, flax seed, spinach, and I softened up some carrots in the microwave? probably should've steamed em all the way through bc when I blended it all up- there were chunks. and I was chewing some of them. but mostly just drinking these basically minced carrots. I junk drank a bunch of un-chewed minced carrots. and it feels like there's a big ass knot in my stomach. it's like a mild discomfort I wouldn't outright call it pain. definitely gonna fully cook root vegetables that I plan to put in smoothies. i'm sure if I had done research instead of just throwing shit together I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like I swallowed a pebble but hey, I don't feel too heavy!

[veganbased]

Day 1-

breakfast: skipped, was late for work

lunch: bought trail mix (which mentioned it was packed in a place that also handles animal products, but I disregarded my ethics for a snack, I don't think they meant there was actually animals or dairy in the nuts, but like a true vegan wouldn't have bought it since the buying the nuts would be supporting a company that supports the cruelty of animals) successfully avoided my favorite free cafeteria meal: pizza, fries, and wings. I couldn't trust that the fries weren't fried in animal fat but I wanted them badly.

dinner: got home and downed two big bowls of cheerios in oatmilk, made a 2 cup smoothie with a bunch of random stuff I threw together with no measurment (frozen banana, frozen blueberry, an apple, a kiwi, a handful of spinach, and some coconut milk) and sucked that thing down in less than 5 mins it was so bomb.

snack- the fry craving never left so I stuck some frozen fries into the air fryer and dipped them in some dairy free ranch and stuffed up to the brim on those, couldn't finish my serving.

water- I only drank about? 4 cups of water throughout my day I would say? Because I only filled up my work water cup once which has 3 cups and had a little glass at home. so it's not a good water day, I can definitely feel the tension in my head, but the sides of my mouth are doing fine, not so dry. I really need to up the water consumption though 4 cups is sad.

energy- I fell asleep at nearly 4 am, and woke up late for work at the time I was supposed to have been on my way, like 9 am, so I only got about 5 hrs of sleep. Which I would say contributed to my 11-2 o'clock slumpy grumpiness.

mood- customers were making me so livid with their existences today it was a lot, I kept putting clothes away aggressively, sneaking into the closet to punch the plastic shelves. I was very angry at very small things. I know the underlying cause is because I don't belong in some hotel on the strip selling t-shirts and keychains to tourists with no masks on. My job isn't difficult or stressful, I'm just very misaligned here. I don't have an outgoing "get along with anyone" personality, so being forced to interact with people has been taking a toll on my mood. but there must be something else deeper at play because on the uber ride home, I got carsick and came into the house really wanting to lay down, but my room stung my fucking nose with the chemical smell of glades fresh linen air freshener, and I cant STAND that fucking smell. my grandma fucking blasted my room with it because I left my door open and my dirty laundry smell escaped into the hallway. the source of the issue being my procrastinated laundry, but in a rage I start cussing my grandma out and yelling at her and kicking up a whole storm because ive made it clear to her on more than one occasion how much I hate that air freshener and I was LIVID that she did that. when she has other smells. but again, I had no place to react that way to her, because she wouldn't have had to spray anything had I taken care of my shit. my grandma being who she is starts yelling and fussing too now and a whole big fight comes of it, a fight I started from being over reactive.

overall mental health right now: i'm not currently seeking professional help for my mental illness- which is a general depressive/mood disorder, because I dealt with various mental health professionals for 5 years of my life and didn't start making real progress until I broke away from them to heal my own way- but thats ME. this isn't the place for me to preach my feelings about doctors and medicine, because i'm not an expert in anything and my personal experience is not universal truth. but its also not anyone else's place to come and tell me that what i'm doing is wrong and will never work. but anyways, i'm in a much lighter place than previous times in my life, and much lighter from the beginning of last year to now, but I still have extreme emotional reactions to things that shouldn't be reacted to that strongly, I still neglect responsibilities like cleaning, the severity has just decreased. and while I realize those are two issues that can be medicated, when I am on a medication that works for these issues, my physical reaction to a missed dose is so severe and strong- panic attacks, blacking out, complete meltdowns- i've decided I need to go into myself and attack the root cause of why my brain chemicals have gone wonky, instead of just forcing them to act right over the root cause. i'll be able to find out if that's even a luxury I can afford. if there is a root cause (diet, activity level) or if my brain chemicals still fuck off even after ive fully transitioned to a healthier diet and more active lifestyle. my goal is to align my thoughts to my feelings, thoughts to actions, thoughts to feelings. I what to act how I think and feel better about how im thinking and acting.

physical state: like I said, I was pretty slump at work, I didn't feel like doing much. I haven't had heartburn in a while, but sitting in the car still feels funny around my stomach area. i'm still getting occasional lightheadedness and blacked vision from standing up too quickly. I peed a LOT yesterday and today too, was concerned about that. My wrist cyst is very full and was bothersome today. mouth is not perfect, but not as dry as some days. nails are quite brittle, no breakouts right now, still healing last week's chin and forehead explosions.

So as a disclaimer to myself: this Day 1 entry is really in depth and lengthy because its an introduction and I explain a lot of things, but i'm not going to make myself write that much everyday. if nothing changes, nothing changed from Day 1. this is the baseline, the beginning.

[veganbased]

On Thursday of this week, Dec. 30th, I woke up and helped my grandma make our favorite breakfast: Biscuits and gravy. I wasn’t satisfied with just that, I also made myself a plate of scrambled eggs cooked in butter. An American breakfast. I went on with my day and made it to my interview at PetSmart (landed the job, Jupiter's lucky influence on Thursday). I wandered into an herbal shop across the parking lot to kill time before work. I took my time shuffling through each isle, inspecting whatever caught my eye. I thought about how nothing is safe from being commodified looking at 40 dollar bottles of herbal infusions. I thought about how I want to make my own natural products someday instead of feeding into their schemes. I wandered into the back of the store where tall book shelves lined three walls. This is where I was going to spend my money. It took a while to decide what information I wanted to take home with me but I settled for a book about herbs, ``Forks over Knives,” and an expensive bottle of women's multivitamin. I spent 75 dollars in total. An exercise of abundance haha. I made it to work a bit late ubering from decatur but as soon as my manager left, I whipped out “Forks over Knives' ' and began my descent. Every piece of information I read in that book started to appall me as I thought about my heavy breakfast slowly working its way through my body. The effects of animal products on my body, the environment, the inhumane treatment of the animals. how pigs breath in their own noxious gasses. I had just eaten sausage earlier in the day! My body was digesting fart meat. When I got home later that night I had finished the beginning portion of the book and I was petting my cat to sleep when nausea overcame me, and I ran to go puke. 

I was puking every hour until the morning, I had to call off work. Cool, I didn't have to work on new years eve.  Sadly, my body didn't expel what I speculate it was trying to: my breakfast, which is why I think it lasted until I finally took a poo. But I'm not a doctor, maybe I had a parasite or something. anyways. that put me on the warpath. The family had already planned chicken wings for new years eve and I had offered to buy, I still bought them, but I also picked out a bunch of random favorites out of the produce aisle to start my new diet. I even bought plant based ranch. Passing the meat and dairy made me gag, literally. I had already developed an acute disgust to animal products, half the battle is over, now I just have to figure out how to prepare vegetables into main dishes now, and throw out everything I know about having to have a meat at every meal “or it’s not a meal.” I tried to steam some artichoke I got 2 for 5, cut them up right, filled the pot with a little water, threw some garlic, rosemary, and a lemon wedge in there and put the lil steam rack in and stuck em in there for 40 mins, and they tasted like ass, I was disappointed they weren't the artichokes I remembered growing up. I gave up and snacked on cheerios and oat milk. When my grandma did make the wings I thought ah what the hell, one last kiss of the beak, they smelled so good I couldnt resist! but after only two wings, I could feel them settling in my stomach. ugh what did I just do! At least I ate it with the dairy free ranch, or else it would have felt even heavier. Since I had the wings so late, I was up until 3 am because I didn't want to go to sleep on a full stomach. 

Knowledge opened me up to a diet I never would've ever seen myself going for- especially cant see myself giving up sushi- but I know I have to try. Because I’ve been eating animal products and processed foods my entire life. I am so curious to know what it feels to have your body not running off of that crap- because I literally have no idea. What it feels like to be a healthy weight, have healthy skin, regulated moods, energy. To see if a shift in what I put in my body will cause even more things to change for me. Guess I’ll just have to find out.