My partner, A, and I have been trying to conceive for 8 months now, and I’ve yet to even see a hint of a second line whenever I pee on the damn stick.
I’m finding it frustrating, and hard, so I set this blog up as a way for me to vent about it.
I’m struggling with jealously. I have so many friends and colleagues have gotten pregnant (and given birth) in the time we have been trying - and of course happy for them, but I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy every time I see another post, or get another ‘guess what!’ message. I feel so guilty for that jealously, all I want is to feel happy for them.
I’ve been pregnant once before. 5 years ago, I found out I was pregnant. It was not planned and a huge surprise. It ended in missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was heartbreaking, depressing, but the one thing that people said to us in an attempt to make us feel better was that ‘at least we know everything works’.
I find it baffling that I got pregnant after throwing up my contraceptive pill (I had an op, and the GA made me sick for a few days), and probably had sex once that month (I had just got out of hospital). Now, we’ve discussed it as a couple, I’m taking the right supplements, we haven’t used any contraceptives, I’ve been off the pill for 2 years, and we have sex four or five times a week during ‘peak week’ and it’s not happening!
I have learnt in the past 8 months just how much I ‘symptom spot’. Right now, I’m a day late. My boobs are swollen, and tender, I’m nauseous, I’m tired, but I’m not pregnant. I have the pregnancy test to prove it. I torture myself every month with it, even when my period isn’t late.
I know it will happen - I will have a baby eventually. Whether that’s through natural conception, or I have to go to fertility clinic, or even if I have to adopt. I know that this is what I want. I just hate that for some it comes so easy, where as others struggle for years.
