If you dont mind me asking how and when does a familial relationship cause incest to become harmful? (Under the assumption ages are appropriate) because I know of ppl who are found family with people their age but flirt with them. Is this solely about like actually considering it familial/being raised together or raising someone like adoption or biological relation? Im personally not someone with incestophilia but Im having trouble understanding what is the basis of incest being inherently unethical and harmful because everyone seems to just say 'its harmful/gross' with no elaboration or a vague 'its taking advantage of the familial relationship'(which I feel could literally be said about any relationship type) and I dont agree w the 'pro consang' people as of now but dont fully understand why ppl say incest is inherently harmful and feel like Im anti consang only bc of societal ideals sorry?
TW// Consang discussion, CSA Mention
I'm going to be super honest here and say that I've had this conversation with like five different people in the span of a couple of months, and each and every time it was incredibly draining. Not that you could have known that, Anon, this is just for everyone else who may be reading this to know. This really isn't a debate I enjoy having, much less so on a regular basis. So after this, I would really appreciate if people stopped sending me asks in relation to consang please. I'm most likely either going to delete any other asks about consang/incest I receive after this, or link them to this post. But for now, I'm using this as an opportunity to get my final thoughts out so hopefully people leave me alone about this
Now that that's out of the way, here's my answer:
When I talk about family dynamics in relation to consang I'm talking about a family that follows the average modern family structure (ie. you grow up together, you forge bonds that are different to those forged with friends/lovers, these people raise you, etc.). So when I speak on "family dynamics", I'm not speaking on found family, I'm speaking about a relationship in which people are brought up together (not by choice) in the legally and socially binding contract we call "family". If you make a friend later on in your life, call them your "family", but then decide to start dating then I don't see that as a problem. I'm also excluding dysfunctional/abusive families from this discussion bc at that point the reason consang is unethical in those cases pretty much speaks for itself (ie. trauma bonding, unresolved familial issues that should probably be worked out before you start a relationship within said toxic family, all ethical concerns about consang aside)
The thing about family (using the definition I've given of "family") is that there are a lot of complicated dynamics there to where adding romance to the mix makes things unhealthy at best and straight up unethical at worst. In short: A healthy family dynamic and consang relationships are simply incompatible.
With parent-child relationships you have a creature with virtually no rights and their caretaker that makes all their decisions for them. Even when the child becomes an adult, that influence still sticks. With siblings, even if they're the same age, an example of a common dynamic is that of "sibling rivalry", where one or more siblings may experience different complexes (ie. an inferiority complex) in regards to their sibling that muddies things, or differing treatment from their parents may add a whole other batch of dynamics to the mix. And again, the fact that you grow up together and have a variety of experiences together in itself creates some more messy dynamics. Similar thing with cousins and uncles and aunts. These are people you grow up with (oftentimes without a say in the matter), people who raise you and influence the person you become, people whose lives are so deeply intertwined with your own (unless you were to disown them entirely). And when family members get together sexually/romantically, these dynamics and that complicated history are going to inevitably come into play.
I don't think I need to explain why there isn't true consent between a parent and their child, but in case anyone may not see why this is a problem: Children depend on everything from their parents in order to survive. The parent decides whether they live or die, how much freedom they're allowed in the household, what they eat, when they sleep, etc. This is the person that raises you and plays a huge role in molding the adult you eventually become. Even when you become an adult, that kind of influence doesn't just go away. By that point you've already been trained to appease them, as when you displease your parents you risk not only losing a survival resource, but a source of security (ie. parental affection). The child in this situation has every incentive to please their parent at the expense of their wellbeing in this hypothetical relationship. And on the parent's side, I find it generally exploitative to raise up someone, knowing they depend on you for survival, knowing that kind of power doesn't just disappear, and then taking advantage of that power dynamic there for sexual/romantic gratification.
Now for sibling/cousin relationships, let's first analyze what a healthy relationship should look like. Usually when you're dating someone, in a healthy relationship both parties can leave at any time, there are no incentives that sway the relationship in negative directions, and there aren't messy dynamics at play that blur the lines between consent and compliance/appeasement. Both parties have nothing there that tethers them to each other (ie. they can have their own separate lives apart from each other), and for both parties, their relationship is a matter between them and them alone. Their respective families have no need to get involved.
Take breakups. Breaking up with a non-relative isn't usually a big deal in a healthy relationship. Yes, there's that initial grief, but you eventually move on with your lives and go your separate ways. And so do your respective families. But with relationships between family members you don't go your separate ways without causing damage to the rest of the family. Bc at the end of the day, you're not the only person they have to support in that breakup. Your partner is their family too. And if the breakup is bad enough (bc not all breakups go smoothly, let's be honest here), things get even messier. Yes, you could always suck it up and deal with having to interact with your ex at every family gathering or risk causing the rest of the family to fall into disarray bc they're now having to deal with a piece of the family being split apart. Either way those family dynamics complicate things, and it inevitably affects the lives of others. Unlike with a healthy relationship, a consang relationship is not solely about you/your partner, and your lives are tethered together.
And as previously mentioned, consequences such as the ones above give a greater incentive to stay in these relationships if they're not going well. After all, who would want to lose both their family and their lover after a fight or a breakup? And who would want to upset someone that's had such a huge positive impact on their life thus far, that's shaped their personhood and continues to act as a safety net? Who would want to trouble the rest of their family over their bad choices?
It's one thing to have a fight when your relationship is a completely private matter, it's another to have a fight when what is supposed to be a private fight is made an inherent family matter, and inevitably gets innocent family members involved. It's one thing to want to please your partner bc you genuinely care for them and want the best for them. It's entirely another to want to please your partner when there are family dynamics at play that incentivize you to comply to and appease them despite your reservations, lest you disrupt the rest of the family, lose a family member on top of a partner, etc.
The concept of "family" means something in our minds whether we like it or not, otherwise we wouldn't have mechanisms in our minds that cause most of us to feel averse to the idea of incest. Even if someone were to get into these relationships with a family member as a fully grown adult, there will always be that concept of "family" residing in the back of their minds, along with all the dynamics involved that make it so they're not only more incentivized to please and tolerate their partner in the face of mistreatment, but that make it so that genuine consent is extremely shaky in many cases.
Could there be exceptions? Of course. I imagine there have been people in the past involved in consang relationships that are sustainable long-term, don't experience any of the dynamics listed about, and don't disrupt the rest of the family with their relationship. But generally speaking, the exceptions do not speak for the rule. We don't tell people "Seatbelts are useless, don't use them" just because some people may have survived crashes without them. We don't encourage/enable relationships between children and adults just bc some of those children may not realize or may not believe they've been abused. And likewise, I don't believe it's okay to encourage/enable consang relationships just bc some people may have had positive experiences in those relationships. There are too many factors at play, too many incentives that sway the relationship in unfavorable ways, too many dire consequences that stop the relationship from being a private matter and turn it into a matter that negatively effects the lives of every other family member.
If you're an incestophile, the most ethical thing you could do is to not act on those desires. Find healthy outlets/alternatives, but please don't cause a family to fall into disarray.
EDIT: Also, bc I’m already starting to see this: When I say “please don’t ask me about this topic again” that includes debate on this subject as well. This is simply an answer to a question I was asked, not an invitation to have a back and forth. I have no intention of discussing this further, as this is not what I made this blog for. You are free to block me if my beliefs make you uncomfortable, but as far as further discussion goes I’m not keen on it. Especially considering I have many friends/followers that are offput by this subject, and I have no desire to cause them distress from seeing this subject on their TL every five seconds. Thank you.
