The Tricky Place Between Social Learning & Disregulation
One of things that made traditional schooling difficult for Asher was the emphasis on collaboration and teamwork. Because for someone who is often singularly focused, has very strong ideas about exactly how things should unfold, and is often oblivious to how others are experiencing and reacting to his behavior, teamwork is a recipe for disaster.
Homeschooling has been a big win in this department. As Asher’s teacher, I see a big part of my job as gently helping Asher learn to be more aware of others, to reflect on his own style of doing things, to learn how to cope when things don’t go the way he predicted, and to help him shift from a fixed mindset to a flexible one. And he gets to do all of this without being made fun of or in some other way being told that he’s weird or too loud or doing it all wrong.
In our little homeschool, we’re in a controlled environment. And while Ash has a handful of good friends we have regular play dates with, these are kids who I’ve “vetted” for lack of a better word...kids I know he gets along with, kids who don’t disregulate him.
Still, occasionally I sign Asher up for outside classes with other kids, because I think it’s good practice for him to be in other environments and learn how to deal with different personalities. Most of the time this works out okay. Some of the time, like today, it doesn’t.
It’s tricky. Asher is one of the kindest human beings I know. He doesn’t judge or discriminate, and he treats everyone nicely and expects to be treated nicely in return. Of course, this isn’t the way the world works. Asher’s different way of being doesn’t always engender interest or understanding from other people, especially kids. And in the real world, there are other kids who call people names, who make rude gestures, and who push buttons once they know it gets a big reaction.
When I picked Ash up today from his after school technology club he was a disregulated mess. I was especially bummed because last week hadn’t gone so well, but we’d talked it through and rather than dreading going today, he decided to have a positive mindset and expect the best. We’d even role-played how to get support from a teacher if things with his small-group partners went downhill.
But when I came by at the end of class, there he was, seething, close to tears, beyond frustrated. The perfect storm of his need to control a group project resulted with his partners lashing out to him in a not-so-kind way.
It’s not easy to know what’s best—pull him out and avoid the weekly meltdowns or keep pushing through in the hopes of him learning some social skills?
Learning how to engage with other people in a collaborative way would be a great thing to master. Absolutely.
At the same time, this mastery doesn’t have to happen at the age of 10. What’s the rush?
The more time Asher can spend feeling calm and regulated, the more open he is to maturing and growing and learning.
Protecting Asher from situations where he will be bullied and mistreated isn’t being a helicopter parent—it’s giving him the space to become more self-aware, confident, and secure.
Still, I don’t always know what’s the best choice in these situations.
