So I was looking back at some documents from 8th grade and I found some fan fiction type stuff that my friends and I used to write about our crushes and us getting together. I found one in particular that was sort of a spoof of twilight, and it was actually... the best piece of fiction I think I’ve ever written. Here’s some quotes that I think you may enjoy.
“He always greeted her with a kiss, but she didn’t feel anything anymore. It was like having a brick smushed against your face. An emotionless brick that wants to murder all your friends.”
“Nothing ever happens at this godforsaken school, and that’s nice and all, and I would definitely prefer it last year, boring is a lot better than having to deal with everyone hating you.”
“And then of course, there was Emma, and she’s forever alone, so she was just stuck longingly (stalking) watching Mark from across the field while everyone else was making out.”
“She kicked him in the balls and ran off. Of course, all it did was hurt her foot, because he was a vampire, but it distracted him enough to allow her to run off.”
“’NO, STOP IT! THIS IS WEIRD!’ Nancy was standing on top of a toilet, hitting Steve with a book. She caught sight of Mary and Linda. ‘GUYS, HELP! STEVE AND I WERE MAKING OUT—stop caressing my leg—and THEN HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF AND STARTED SPARKLING, TELLING ME TO JOIN HIM AS AN IMMORTAL OR SOMETHING!—seriously, that’s really weird please stop-’”
“They put bibles by the door and spread holy water around the building so the vampires couldn’t get in. They stood right outside singing sad love serenades.
‘AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOOOOVE YOOOUUUUUUUUUU!” Chad and Brian sang a heartbreaking duet outside of the library doors outside. Brian smushed his head against the glass window, his tears blurring the glass ‘MMMMAAAARRRYYYY PLEASEEEE.’
Chad banged on the door ‘HELEN, LET ME BACK IN YOUR LIFE, BABY, PLEASE!’
Mary and Helen were sitting in the library. Mary sat with a pillow over her head, rocking back and forth violently, trying hard to not look at Brian. Helen sat casually reading on the couch, flipping through pages of her magazine.
‘How are you so calm about this?’ Linda asked her.
‘This isn’t normal?’ Helen looked up at Linda ‘This always happens to me.’”
“One day at lunch, Emma wondered around campus by herself. She was fairly capable on her own, it wasn’t really a problem. Plus, when she wandered around by herself, she usually found out some kind of secret, so she figured they needed the information.”
“Emma’s eyes glittered. Mark threw on jeans and a shirt (they were wearing underwear beforehand because I’m not a pervert). And they began to walk ominously back to the middle school.”
“At this point, everyone just completely asserted into chaos. Linda banged her head on the wall, Nancy and Helen hugged each other tightly, crying, Laura ran around chaotically.”
“Meanwhile Emma was kind of dying inside because Mark was really hot and not psychopathic, unlike all of her friends ex crushes/boyfriends, but she’s not desperate or anything so she was chill.”
“Carol let out an aggressive war cry, which sounded sort of like ‘OOOEOEIOOIEOIEEOEOE!!!’”
“The only talking was about war strategy, the only affection shown was passionate make-out sessions between Carol and Kevin, and occasionally Chad and Steve.”
“She sucker-punched him square in the jaw. This would have been incredibly effective, were he not a super strong mutant vampire. Unfortunately, this was not the case.”
“’I said fuck off.’ she flipped them off, because the birds are reserved for Trash McFlash, and also Chad, apparently.”
“And blah blah blah another dramatic fight scene that Emma doesn’t feel like writing, but basically, they both died because they’re really strong and muscly and full of angst and loss, but ultimately you’re supposed to feel bad for Kenneth and happy that the asshole that was fictional vampire Brian is dead. Good? Feelings established? Tears all around? Okay good.”
“Jason whistled sharply and Jose and George emerged from behind some wall that was there, I don’t really know what area they’re in but it’s probably near the theater. Anyway, they dragged Emma out, each one holding one of her arms. She was kicking and screaming.’yoU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLES, I SWEAR ON YOUr moTHER’S LIFE I will FUCK YOU UP if you do not stop touching me IMMEDIATELY!’ and other things along those lines.”
“Instead of looking really evil and ominous, Jose and George just looked really heckin tired, and also pretty annoyed.’Boss, can we kill her already?’ Jose asked.
‘Not yet guys,’ Jason hissed, stamping his foot like a five year old ‘You’re ruining my dramatic hostage scene!’”
“Jason clicked his tongue ‘No can do, Jones. It took a lot…’ he stopped as if reimagining his mother’s death ‘A lot of work getting her to one place.’”
“’Guess we’re getting a meal tonight, boys.’ The vampires cheered, except for Michelle, who screamed ‘I am a FEMALE!’”
So yeah. I may post the whole thing if that’s something anyone’s interested in. Except that no one is, because I have two followers.
