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I've done so well this weekend not thinking romantically about you But I'm afraid I'll fall back into habit tomorrow It's easy when I don't have to see your face Maybe I'll just go blind myself, quick where is the mace

#I cant fall back in #but i probably will #ugh you #you dont understand #youre so confusing #need to figure it out #10/9/16

8/29/16

We were at the park, walking under all those streetlights, a little tipsy from all the beer and the stories of past heartbreaks. You began to put your arm around me, walking like that all the way to the jeepney stop. Our friends started giggling when they saw us but you didn’t remove your arm. Instead you said, “She must channel her feelings to me.”, referencing a heartbreak story I shared awhile ago. I guess that’s how it started with us. After that followed the lingering looks every time you sit across from me or even when you are on the other side of the room and then I started having these on and off thoughts about how cute I think you are (Lianne, if you’re reading this, please don’t puke! :P)

But of course we didn’t know that. Everything just started making sense to me now. And it’s too late because you are gone and what’s left are the what if thoughts and they’re all crazy and stupid and probably wrong.

I want you to know that I still think about that night. I have deleted a lot of goofy photos of you from my phone because I don’t want to miss you and I don’t want to think of you anymore because I’m pretty sure I’m not in love with you- I’m just in love with that memory we shared. I’m still hungover from that night. I still see you leaning in to kiss me when I close my eyes. I can still feel your arms wrapped around me and your hot breath on my cheek. I can still feel the disappointment of not hearing from you afterwards. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I see your name on my chat list when I open my Facebook and I wonder how come you don’t randomly message me anymore like you used to before. Before that night. Before you kissed me. Before you said the goodbye that would take me a long time to get over. Probably a much longer time than if this happened to be a real relationship.

#diary #ugh you #personal