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World of Our Own | Harry Styles Uni AU | Chapter 15

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LISTEN TO OPEN YOUR EYES SNOW PATROL The anger swells in my guts And I won't feel these slices and cuts I want so much to open your eyes 'Cause I need you to look into mine

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Endings made Rae nervous. They always had, something came to an end and it bought up a nauseous feeling inside her. It was down to the fear of what might be about to start and how she never knew how that might go.

The worst she’d known it was the day her family and her left the UK for Australia. That was the first time she’d really known it at all. Until then nothing significant had ended and changed for her. She’d finished primary school and all her friends were moving up to the same secondary school as her, so it would be no different really. The same couldn’t be said for moving to another country. The only people she knew where she was going were her family. She had nothing to determine how the next part of her life might go.

Endings made Rae nervous. They always had, something came to an end and it bought up a nauseous feeling inside her. It was down to the fear of what might be about to start and how she never knew how that might go.

The worst she’d known it was the day her family and her left the UK for Australia. That was the first time she’d really known it at all. Until then nothing significant had ended and changed for her. She’d finished primary school and all her friends were moving up to the same secondary school as her, so it would be no different really. The same couldn’t be said for moving to another country. The only people she knew where she was going were her family. She had nothing to determine how the next part of her life might go.

And ever since then, endings made her nervous.

This ending, the absolute, final end, of her first year of university, was no different. She was sat in the living room of the house she’d called home for the past nine months, chewing at her lip and fiddling with her fingers. The room was silent, the TV was off, unplugged for the summer. As always she was the first ready, first downstairs, the one waiting for all the others to join her.

Rae had packed her bags over the previous two days. She wasn’t taking everything back with her, that felt unnecessary, but she had packed most of her clothes, her cameras, laptop and of course her precious photos. More had been added to the collection since she moved to Brighton. Next to the ones of her family now sat ones of her and Harry, her and Niall, one of all of them from summer ball. They’d always go everywhere with her, she knew that much would never change.

Alone, silent, her mind wandered to second year. She couldn’t help it. It had been at the back of her mind since she handed her last piece of work in. That hadn’t really left her mind either, but she was taking Harry’s advice (as best she could) and trying not to pay too much mind to it until she actually got the grade back. Second year, however, was truly worrying her, she knew it was the year it really started to matter and she’d already proved she couldn’t maintain the standard she’d set at the beginning of her first year. In herself she wasn’t worried if she got a first, or even a 2:1, but she knew her parents were.

The agreement was, study in the UK, get a first and she had six months after graduation to get a job or she came home, anything other than a first and it was straight home and that terrified her.

It hadn’t taken her long to realise Brighton was her place. For a minute she thought maybe she could settle in Sydney or Melbourne, but after being in Brighton, not even for that long, she realised she was wrong. She could see herself in that small seaside city. She could see herself living near the centre through her twenties and thirties and moving out a little once she was ready to settle down. The thought that if she got anything less that a first, she wouldn’t get the chance to make that reality, terrified her.

Rae knew, if she had to go back to Australia after graduation that would be it. Brighton would become just an amazing memory, somewhere she might visit, but never somewhere she’d live. Maybe at first she’d think she could save enough to get back, but slowly she’d realise she couldn’t and it would just become a distant dream.

She refused to even pay a seconds thought to what that could mean for her and Harry.

They hadn’t been together long enough that she felt she could justify thinking about it. Though she’d be liar if she said it had never crossed her mind. They hadn’t talked about it, it hadn’t really even nearly come up, and Rae had no intention of mentioning it. She didn’t even like the little part of it that had made home in the back of her mind, there was no way she was going to let it push it’s way forward and spill out of her mouth. Eventually she supposed she’d have to tell him the agreement she’d made with her parents, but there was definitely a better time.

‘Always first ready.’ Niall chuckled, Rae turned to him and smiled.

‘You know it.’ She beamed up at him, knowing she’d miss his happy face over the summer and his humour. ‘All packed?’

‘All packed.’ Rae smiled again and fell back against the sofa. ‘You sure you and H can’t come visit me over the summer?’ Niall asked, taking his spot on the other sofa, the one he always took unless he couldn’t in which case he’d pout at whoever was sat in his spot and moan at them until they moved. He wasn’t the only one, they all had their spots and they liked to keep it that way.

‘Ni, you know we can’t, we’ve booked the flights already.’ Rae reminded him, like she had everytime Niall had asked if they had a week or so to visit him in Ireland. ‘Three weeks with Harry’s family, fly out, three weeks with mine, fly back, uni.’ Rae listed the itinerary that was pretty much tattooed into her brain.

‘You really should have thought about me before you promised your family’s so much time.’ Niall grumbled, making Rae chuckle, his face falling like a child who had been denied a chocolate bar.

‘We’ve told you, we’ll come out at Christmas with you for a week.’ Rae said, tilting her head like she was talking to the child she’d denied the chocolate bar to. ‘It will be much better, I’m looking forward to cosy evenings in a proper Irish pub.’

‘There’s nothing cosy about them sweetheart, only messy.’ Niall smirked, Rae laughing again, knowing she could get on board with that as well, the not drinking much thing long forgotten. ‘I can’t change your mind then?’

‘You could, but we can’t, flights are booked Ni, remember?’ Rae reminded him sarcastically. Niall just sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, going on to ignore her whilst they waited for the other boys to join them.

Rae wasn’t sure what woke her up, but she was sure it wasn’t the sun because as she reached for her phone she realised it was 11am already, so the sun had been up for literally hours. She could tell Harry wasn’t beside her, the bed wasn’t dipping in his direction and apart from that she couldn’t feel him, and she knew if he was there she would have been able to feel his chest against her back, or at the very least his hand reaching out for her trying to keep hold of her as they moved in their sleep.

Every morning, apart from one she could remember, Harry woke up first, but never woke her in the process. He’d get himself out of bed, place the gentlest kiss on her head that never disturbed her and she was none the wiser too, pulled some boxers on and headed downstairs to make coffee. Most mornings it happened at around 8.30am, that morning was different. The night before had been a late one.

They’d both drunk a lot, and Rae had cried a lot, especially for someone who didn’t cry very often. To say they were tired when they crawled into bed from where they’d found themselves on the blanket box at the end of the bed, was an understatement.

After Harry’s admission it hadn’t taken long for things to get heated, it felt natural to Harry, after he’d told Rae he loved her, and after she’d told him the same and they’d gotten over the gleeful giggles, to deepen the kiss they’d started. It felt right to Harry to push her dress further off her legs and begin unbuttoning it. And by the way Rae reacted, it obviously felt right to her too.

Harry didn’t think he’d ever get over the feeling that rushed through him when she moaned into his mouth as he ran his hands over her. He didn’t want to, even if it was possible. It was one the best feelings he knew. When he had his hands on her like that, when she was entirely his, and he was completely hers, alive and glowing with her touch, it made him so glad he’d not given up for anyone else.

The first time and every time since, felt like it was meant to be. This time even more so. Harry felt like every second, since that first one when Rae had walked into the kitchen and met his eyes for the first time, until the second he was experiencing, was meant to happen, and it had led to him falling in love with her and telling her, and being completely vulnerable for her. He’d never been so unguarded for anyone, he’d never been so willingly defenceless. Anxiety had taught him to always keep one shield up, but for her he didn’t feel he needed to. Anxiety wasn’t something he knew in Rae’s company, and when he looked back he realised it had always been that way with her.

Rae took the lead, for the first time. Harry was new to this, he was learning his own body as much as he was learning hers. He was working out how he liked it, what he wanted and figuring how to mix that with what he was discovering she liked and wanted. However, as she shrugged her dress off her shoulders, revealing the lack of underwear she had on underneath, and asked Harry to get onto the bed, Harry had to swallow on nothing. He thought maybe he was about to learn that he liked something completely new to what they’d been doing so far.

The room was lit by the big overhead light. Harry had never got round to turning it off, and as Rae crawled up on top of him in just a pair of black knickers, he was glad he hadn’t. There wasn’t a part of her he couldn’t see. She was bathed in the glow of the light, not an inch of her covered with shadows or darkness, he could take every part of her in and he let his eyes rake over her body as she moved up.

Rae straddled his hips, his trousers undone but still on, and looked down at him from her advantage, her hands splayed on his chest as she looked down from his eyes to his butterfly and back up. She had a playful smirk on her face, and once again Harry’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when he noticed it.

Slowly, her hands trailed down his body as she leant forward, her hair tickling his chest as she did so. Her lips found his jaw, and she nuzzled his face upwards with her own so she could leave a trail of kisses down his neck and over his chest. Harry shut his eyes, losing himself in the feeling of the descending kisses she peppered all the way down his torso. He could tell, even with his eyes shut, that she chose to outline his butterfly tattoo with kisses, moving down to his ferns only once she met back up with where she started.

The kisses she left on his hips nearly had him unravelling, it sent shots of tingles through him and he could feel himself getting harder inside his boxers. His throat closed around a tight lipped groan as he felt her tongue shoot out of her mouth and stripe all the way along the waistband of his undone trousers, whilst her fingers pushed the fabric aside and down his hips a little. Harry used his legs to shuffle his trousers of his feet. He thought he might know where this was going, and his mind was driving him wild.

Rae continued to dot fleeting kisses on the fresh skin his trousers revealed, palming him through his boxers simultaneously. Harry groaned once again into a closed mouth, the sound throaty and gruff. Rae hummed satisfaction when she heard it and finally tucked her fingers into his boxers, moving them down his legs painfully slow.

‘Come on.’ Harry moaned, impatient for her mouth. Rae giggled and moved back up from his feet where she’d removed his underwear. Harry opened his eyes to look at her as she took him in her hand and stroked him up and down slowly, lowering herself towards him. He caught her licking her lips, wetting them to make taking him between them a little easier. Harry watched as she parted her lips further to take him in, and she did and he lost his mind.

Harry rolled his head back into the pillows as she took him to the back of her throat and rose back off him. His eyes were shut tight as the most incredible sensation he’d ever felt travelled through him at a rate he couldn’t even try to control. One of her hands accommodated for the part of him her mouth couldn’t take as she upped the speed.

‘Fuck, Rae.’ Harry breathed. He didn’t think it could get any better, but then she began swirling her tongue around him as she rose to the tip, stroking her tongue up and down him. ‘F-fuck’ Harry choked, fisting the sheets in his hands aggressively. The vibration of her chuckle rolled against his hardened flesh, and then he felt her other hand on his balls and he couldn’t even stutter words, only groan loudly.

‘Shh, Harry.’ Rae encouraged, leaving him be whilst she spoke, but quickly getting back to it. It was so obvious to Harry that she knew exactly what she was doing, but he didn’t care, she was making him feel incredible.

Harry knew when it felt like that it wouldn’t take him long to start feeling the spring coiling in his stomach, and it didn’t. As she drew her tongue up him again, stroking the inside of his thigh delicately with her soft fingertips, it started and he gripped the sheets tighter as it did so. But, despite how good it felt, that wasn’t how he wanted it to end.

‘S-stop.’ Harry stuttered, letting go of the sheets and reaching for her head. He found her chin and lifted her off him before opening his eyes.

‘What’s up? Do you not like it?’ Rae asked, and he saw the panic run across her features as the thought entered her mind.

‘No, no I do, it’s fucking amazing.’ Harry started and Rae hummed a smile moving to drop her head again. ‘No don’t, I don’t want to come like this.’ Harry told her, Rae just frowned at him. ‘I want you to feel-’

‘Oh Harry please, just enjoy it, stop thinking about me for a change.’ Rae grinned, rolling her eyes and looking back down at him, licking her lips once again. Again, it made him swallow, but he was going to stick to his guns on this one.

‘No Rae, I want you, on top.’ Harry explained, and the look that took over Rae’s face he couldn’t explain. She looked devilish, mischievous and the sexiest Harry had ever known, when she finally caught his drift. With a smirk she hopped off him to remove her underwear, before crawling back ontop of him to the position she’d been before she’d drifted down his body.

‘Sure?’ She checked as she leant over him, to open the bedside drawer. She sat back over him, ripping open the piece of foil, but looking up to his face for his answer.

‘It’s what I want.’ Were the words he chose and she smiled, rolling the condom down over him. Rae lifted herself, lifting him in her hand to line herself up with him. She looked up at him, holding his eyes, emeralds sparkling in the big light, as she lowered down onto him. His eyes shut instantly with the feeling, the way they always did, head rolling back into the pillow the way only hers had done so far when it came to this point. ‘Feel so good Rae.’ Harry mumbled, slowly opening his eyes to look again as she rose and fell. Rae just smirked, her hands gripping his waist, her bottom lip bitten hard by her teeth as she rolled her hips against him.

‘So big.’ She commented sweetly and Harry moaned, not expecting the compliment to have the effect it did, but he bucked his hips towards her as the complement sunk in. ‘Oh someone likes an ego massage.’ Rae giggled, not halting her movements for even a second.

‘Fuck off.’ Harry clipped, smirking, his eyes glittering with it. ‘You close?’ Harry asked, because he was and he didn’t know how easily he’d be able to hold it back with her on top of him, and her hair pooling around her face like that, and her breasts bouncing with her movements. Now his eyes were open he didn’t want to shut them again, he bit down on his bottom lip, watching her nod and slowly lose control.

‘Harry,’ Rae breathed her movements getting sloppier as she got closer to unravelling. ‘Fuck,’ she hissed, moving her hands to his chest and gripping the muscles tightly.

‘Keep going, please, I’m close.’ Harry said, reaching for her rounded hips with one hand and gripping them under his large fingers, the other hand moving to her heat, his fingers finding the bud of nerves that he’d learned made her all but scream his name. She lost it with the pressure of his finger tips, panting wildly as she rose and fell messily. ‘That’s it, Rae I’m gonna-’ He cut himself off as he felt her walls close around him and that was all he needed. The coil in his stomach released and he lifted his hips to her again, as it roared through him. She rode him through his high, their breathing laboured and catching as they finished together.

Rae collapsed on top of Harry, exhausted but still on a high from the feeling he had coursing through her. She moved with Harry’s fast breathing as he too came down for their peak. His hands were cemented on her lower back, holding her in place, still, while they caught their breath. In some ways that moment was Rae’s favourite moment of the whole thing. Of course it felt great and being that intimate and close with Harry was amazing. But there was something about the way he held her close afterwards, the room silent apart from the way they were gasping for oxygen, their skin sticky from their exertion.

Eventually Rae rolled off Harry and curled up into him, her front pressed against his side, his arm wrapped around her and gripping her arm, to hold her close. Harry whispered a breathless ‘I love you,’ which she gave back to him quickly, and within seconds they were asleep.

As she stretched in the bed the next morning, her limbs still felt light from the previous night. She felt lazy and dozy and content, just how she had when she’d closed her eyes to fall asleep against Harry. She screwed her eyes shut as she worked out her muscles and yawned, waking up slowly to a beautiful blue sky day.

The room was always cold when she woke, she didn’t know why, but it was, so from under the duvet she stretched out for a t-shirt of Harry’s on the floor. It was just a plain white one, but it looked like it had seen better days. It was almost threadbare in places, holes in the neck and a couple near the hem. She chuckled to herself as she pulled it on as best she could without sitting up, cocooning as much warmth as she could. Harry walked around in exquisite clothes, nice jumpers that she knew cost a lot, silk shirts that looked like they’d come from the pages of Vogue, but he didn’t own a plain white t-shirt that looked like it hadn’t been taken straight off the clothes pile at the tip.

Rae sat up once she was half clothed, but folded her knees up into her chest, and took the duvet with them. Her eyes were still heavy from the sleep that hadn’t completely lifted itself, and she could feel her hair was matted at the back, the curls half fallen out and tied together. She combed her fingers through it trying to tame it, but it made no difference. She considered tying it in the hair tie that she’d left on Harry’s bedside table, but decided against it and instead just let her thick, dark hair be how it wanted.

When Harry finally came back into the room, two mugs and two plates on a tray, Rae was staring sleepily at the wall ahead of her. She was in such a daze that she only half noticed him come in. It was the door shutting again, clicking closed behind him that stirred her.

‘Hey sleepy head.’ That was the only pet name Harry had ever given her. It had started in New York and never left. It was probably the most fitting of all the pet names people had given her. Even Bambi, attributed to her for her inability to ice skate even a little bit, didn’t seem as fitting as sleepy head. Even in the fifteen minutes that had passed since she’d first opened her eyes, her head still felt cloudy and she wasn’t quite able to focus on any thoughts. Harry had quickly worked out that’s just the way she was when she woke up, and so didn’t expect anything apart from the sleepy smile she offered in return to his words.

Harry padded across the room to his side of the bed, closest to the windows, his black Calvin Klein's the only stitch of clothing on him. Rae couldn’t help but notice the way they clung to every part of him and outlined him perfectly. Harry must have noticed the way her throat flinched as she swallowed down on nothing at the sight of him, because a throaty chuckle escaped his lips.

‘Coffee and vegemite on toast for you.’ Harry told her, his voice scratchy from the singing he’d done the night before, his mild hangover, and the fact he was still relatively sleepy.

‘Thank you.’ Rae said, her voice matching his almost perfectly. She took the plate and mug from him, setting the toast on her lap and taking a sip of her coffee before setting that down too.

‘So you had a good night?’ Harry asked, making conversation before taking a bite of his jam on toast. Rae noticed the way the nearly blackened toast glistened with the preservative. She still couldn’t quite understand why Harry liked his toast virtually burned and swimming with jam, but then she was sat there munching on what was practically bread tickled with a yeast extract so who was she to question it.

‘Yeah.’ Rae smirked and Harry knew what she was getting at, returning her smirk with his own. That smirk always got her and she was sure he knew it. The knowing look that went with it, the way his eyes flicked over her like he both wanted to devour her and also like she was the sun and the stars and everything in between.

‘Good, thank you for coming with me.’

‘As if I’d have said no.’ Rae smiled, before taking another bite of her toast.

‘Well you might have wanted to go with your friends to the fresher’s one.’ Harry pointed out, and it was a fair point, but Rae shook her head. ‘You have got friends in your year haven’t you?’ Rae just nodded, eyes focused on the toast. ‘Good.’ Rae didn’t want to find out why Harry was asking that question, she didn’t want to ask, because she could read between the lines. He’d been thinking about her third year too. She’d avoid that like the plague until the minute they couldn’t avoid it any longer.

Rae was certain if they didn’t make a big deal out of it, it wouldn’t be a big deal. If they just took it in their stride that whilst Rae was studying for her final year of her degree, and Harry was working out real adult life, and that might mean they might not get to live together, maybe in different cities, it would be fine. Maybe she was naive, she probably was, and she definitely knew that, but it helped her look at it lightly. It only made her heart sink because she knew if they couldn’t cope with that, there was no way they would be able to cope if she had to go back to Australia within six months of graduating, and that was only if she managed to score a first class degree.

‘Rae I want to talk to you about something.’ Harry started and Rae sighed practically throwing her toast back on the plate. She really didn’t want to talk about it.

‘I don’t want to talk about it Harry.’ Rae told him with a stony tone.

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it, ok?’ She snapped, looking at him, sat next to her, his eyes unsure and his forehead beginning to fold into that confused look he wore sometimes.

‘You don’t even know-’

‘You want to talk about third year, my third year, and how you’ll all have left and you might be off somewhere miles away and we might-’

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa.’ Harry cut in, shaking his head. ‘You cannot read my mind, clearly.’ Harry smiled. ‘We don’t need to worry about that for ages ey? Let’s not think about that yet.’ Harry suggested and he saw the way Rae’s whole body relaxed back into the bed, shoulders falling from where they’d tensed up and risen. Her mouth fell open and he could have sworn a shaky breath left her slightly parted mouth. He leaned forward and pecked her bottom lip, not giving her a second to register let alone kiss him back.

Harry knew maybe they shouldn’t be leaving that unsaid, but at the same time he didn’t care. He was so happy and for once nothing felt like a big deal to him, for once he felt like he had nothing to really worry about or feel anxious about, and he’d do anything to keep it that way. He was enjoying ‘right now’ so much, for possibly the first time ever and he was revelling in it. There was no way he was going to jeopardise his virtually perfect ‘right now’.

‘I was going to say,’ Harry started, reaching out for her face and tucking her hair behind her ear delicately, his thumb stroking along her cheek. ‘Well, I was wondering, if you wanted to spend some of the summer together?’ Harry asked, his eyes fixed on hers. Rae could vividly remember a time when he couldn’t look her in the eye as he spoke to her, it made her even more grateful for how determined he seemed never to drop them now.

‘That sounds nice.’ Rae smiled, nodding and picking her discarded toast back up again. ‘What were you thinking?’ She asked, before taking a bite.

‘Well I really want you to meet my mum, properly not through facetime.’ Harry told her and Rae nodded again. ‘And I’d quite like to maybe meet your sister and stuff.’ Rae could tell Harry wasn’t sure if he was asking too much, and the way she nearly choked on her toast, probably didn’t help. But she just hadn’t been expecting it. They’d never spoken about him meeting her family. It just seemed to Rae like something that wouldn’t happen for a long time. It was a bigger deal for him to meet her family simply because of the journey it meant taking, the time that it meant putting aside for them because of it and the expenditure.

‘Really?’ She asked, but Harry didn’t say anything though she could see in his eyes, that yes, really, was what he was thinking, but was feeling a little concerned due to her reaction. ‘Sorry, I wasn’t expecting it, if you really want to, I’d love you meet them.’

‘Of course I want to.’ Harry told her, his voice soft. He twitched his mouth to one side, chewing on one side of it as he looked at Rae, honestly. ‘Do you not-’

‘Don’t even finish that sentence, you don’t need to ask that question.’ She bit in, taking another bite of her toast. ‘I just, it’s expensive Harry, and it’s not up the road, there’s no point going out there for just a few days.’ Rae explained. Some people didn’t get it, quite how far away it was and quite how far away her parents place was from the airport.

‘I was thinking,’ Harry began again. ‘We’ve got at least eight weeks, we could go and spend a couple with my family and then the rest with yours.’ Harry suggested. Rae couldn’t help but feel this wasn’t something he’d been thinking about only that morning, and was in fact something he’d put some serious thought into. ‘I was looking at flights,’ and that confirmed it. She smiled to herself, as once again she realised Harry really did love her, he wasn’t lying when he said he’d go to the moon and back for her, and even though she knew she’d never ask something crazy of him, it felt good. ‘We could fly out mid July and fly back at the end of August.’

‘Or,’ Rae started, not liking the injustice of that. ‘We just spend three weeks with your family, three weeks with mine and whatever we’ve got left we can come back here and just chill before uni starts.’ Rae suggested. Harry beamed, almost instantly.

‘That sounds a lot better.’ Harry grinned, before turning back to his food, a smile still plastered across his face, bubbling with excitement at the summer now ahead of him.

They’d booked the flights two days later after running their plans past both their families. They’d all been thrilled at the idea, excited to get to meet Rae and Harry, properly, respectively. Harry had the tickets on his phone and Rae asked him to check them pretty much daily in case something was wrong with them. She’d booked flights enough times now to know there was no need, but still she needed the reassurance.

Understandably, she thought, Rae was a little apprehensive about meeting Anne properly for the first time. They’d chatted on facetime a couple of times, and she seemed lovely, just like Harry and Gemma were. Rae could instantly see where they got those genes from she’d fawned over at the photo shoot, and where Harry got that beaming, toothy and perfect smile from.

Despite that though, she was still anxious about it. Meeting the parents was always a nervous stage in the relationship, Rae told herself, as if that made it any easier that she was meeting Harry’s parents. The words Gemma had said to her on the stairs, even though she’d since been reassured, and felt reassured, that they meant nothing and weren’t to be taken to heart, played on her mind at the thought of being welcomed into Harry’s home by his mum and spending four weeks there. It made her heart beat a little faster and her tummy turn and she fully understood how Harry had developed the ring fiddling thing, because suddenly she wanted something to do with her hands other than fidget with the threads of the holes in her jeans.

‘Nervous?’ Niall asked, her fidgeting obviously distracting him from his phone, probably playing Doodle Jump, almost certainly losing, and definitely the only person Rae knew who still had that on his phone. Rae shrugged and nodded at the same time and Niall just chuckled. ‘Why?’

‘Don’t really know.’ Rae half smiled, raising her eyes to Niall a little.

‘Still about meeting the fam?’ Niall teased, because she’d spoken to him about at least three times by that point, she’d spoken to Louis about it too, and Liam, they could all tell she was nervous and it wasn’t really that hard to guess what about. They’d all said the same, she’d be fine, they’d love her, yet still she was sat there the morning of leaving for Holmes Chapel, feeling on edge about it. ‘Rae they are going to adore you, and if they don’t, Harry still will so who cares?’

‘Me.’ Rae told him sharply. Niall sighed and shook his head. ‘If they don’t like me he might ch-’

‘Is she still going on about this?’ Louis cut Rae off, wandering into the room in a pair of denim shorts and a hoodie, his feet bare. ‘Do you just like us telling you how great you are or something?’ Louis asked, and she could tell it wasn’t a complete joke. She just shook her head and crossed her legs. ‘What’s there to be nervous about anyway?’

‘When are you meeting Nancy’s parents Lou?’ Rae challenged.

‘Fuck that.’ Louis laughed, and Rae gave him an ‘I told you so’ look. ‘That’s not the point, you like meeting new people.’ Louis pointed out and Rae couldn’t argue that, she did love meeting new people. ‘Just pretend like they’re not Harry’s family if it makes you feel better.’

‘What? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.’ Rae sneered.

‘No the most ridiculous thing is that you’re still getting yourself worked up about meeting them.’ Louis said, lips a little pouty, that sassy look on his face that was the embodiment of Louis to Rae by that point. ‘You and Harry are spending too much time together, you’re beginning to act like him.’ Louis snarked without caring. ‘And not in a good way.’ He finished, as if Rae needed the confirmation.

‘That’s harsh Lou, there’s nothing wrong with him.’ Rae told him, a little offended by Louis’ words, not for what they said about her but for what they said about Harry.

‘He’s an anxious wreck, and it’s brushing off on you.’

‘Yeah and you’re a sarcastic little bitch and it’s brushing off on me, but no one's complaining.’ Louis just rolled his eyes, and Rae did the same in return only to prove a point. Niall just chuckled and shook his head before going back to his phone.

‘Gonna miss you Raymond.’ Louis mumbled.

‘Gonna miss you to Louise.’ She didn’t know where it came from, but it came naturally and it earned a mighty cackle from Niall that had her smiling to herself proudly and Louis looking truly offended. ‘Looks like you’ve just earned a new nickname.’ Rae winked and Louis shook his head, his face stoney.

‘Oh for fuck sake, always Payno, always waiting for Payno.’ Rae heard Harry grizzle in the hallway, followed by the sound of his bag crashing with the pile already there. As Rae and Harry were heading north Harry had agreed to drop Niall at the airport and Louis and Liam at the most convenient station for all of them. ‘If I hit the M6 at rush hour because of him, I swear to god.’

‘I’m ready I’m coming, quit your whining Styles.’ Liam berated and Rae chuckled to herself as she heard Liam trotting down the stairs. Anyone would think they rehearsed it, the way they were all so true to form. Rae could have put a significant amount of money on what order they’d be ready in, and the comment Harry would make about Liam always being last, and not felt a little bit worried that she wouldn’t get it back.

‘Right you lot, come on.’ Harry called and Rae jumped to attention, knowing how antsy Harry got about sticking to the schedule that he kept in his head and didn’t share with anyone else, making it difficult for anyone else to know what to expect. Harry had a black t-shirt on, tighter than normal and showing off his broad chest and wide shoulders. Rae knew he was only wearing it because everything else was packed, but even so she thought he looked good in it. ‘Ready?’ Harry asked, softly, looking at Rae with a lopsided smile on his face.

‘Yep.’ She beamed back, the nerves forgotten when she saw that look on his face. The one that reminded her that she was his, and he was hers, and he was there with her, always, in their own little world.

++

Rae had destroyed the frayed holes in the knee of her jeans. As they got closer, as the minutes ticked down on the sat-nav, she pulled threads at a faster rate and now there was a little pile around her feet. Niall had got out of the car hours ago, Liam too, they’d just dropped Louis at his station and now it was just her and Harry and twenty nine minutes.

The inside of her mouth was beginning to feel sore from all the chewing she’d been doing, it was a wonder it wasn’t pouring blood. She guessed it was getting close though, because she could taste that metallic-esque tang on her tongue every now and again. Harry didn’t seem to be any wiser to it, but until Louis got out of the car she’d been sat in the back keeping herself to herself, now she was sat in the passenger seat next to him and she was sure he’d begin to realise she was feeling a little on edge. He always did, even when everyone else was fooled by her bright smiles and jokey nature, Harry saw through.

‘Nearly there now.’ Harry beamed, and Rae tried to be as excited as he clearly was. It was all over his face, and it wasn’t covering anything up the way her smiles were. Rae just nodded, offered him something that she hoped passed as a happy grin and looked out of the window. She had her lips pulled into her teeth, rubbing them together as if she’d just put lip balm on, but she hadn’t. ‘What’s up?’ Harry asked, and there it was, as if she needed proof that he could see straight through her.

‘Are you not even a little bit nervous?’ Rae queried, still watching out the window as the world passed them by, or rather they passed the world by in a blur.

‘Why would I be?’ Harry asked, a chuckle in his voice.

‘Cause you’re about to introduce me to your family.’ Rae pointed out, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, turning her head to look at him then. Harry glanced at her out of the corner of his eye for a fleeting second before looking back at the road and shaking his head.

‘Nothing to be nervous about love,’ Harry started with a smile, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited, slightly impatiently at a busy junction. ‘It’s exciting, I’ve never taken a girl home before.’

‘Never!?’ Rae shot, her mouth dropping as her eyes went wide.

‘I shouldn’t have told you that.’ Harry backtracked, his grin falling. ‘Look love, you don’t need to worry, it’s only my mum and she already thinks you’re great ok?’ Harry told Rae, not being able to take his eyes off the road to look at her, which frustrated him a little, so he reached out for her leg instead.

‘What about your dad?’ Rae asked tentatively, taking two of Harry’s fingers to play with rather that her jeans. Harry always froze when his dad came up, not that he did very often. Rae couldn’t help but feel that it was the only part of his life that Harry wanted to keep her out of. There was clearly a reason, Rae knew that, and she thought she understood it, but when Harry practically ripped his hand out from under hers at the simple mention of his dad, she realised she didn’t understand at all.

‘That was a stupid question.’ Harry rebuked quietly, eyes set on the road, every feature hard and stony, his knuckles practically white around the steering wheel.

‘How is it a stupid question?’ Rae argued.

‘Why would you think I’d introduce you to him, I hate him.’ Harry pointed out, reminding her of something he’d never actually said outloud.

‘I don’t know Harry, you don’t tell me anything about your dad, all I know is he had a breakdown and he walked out on your mum, twice, you’ve never even told me you hate him before.’ Rae reeled off.

‘I thought you’d have worked that out.’

‘Yeah well I didn’t.’ Rae snapped, bending her legs to pull her knees into her chest. She rested her arms across them, and laid her head down, staring out of the window, her hair tumbling down and tickling her bare ankles. Harry sighed, heavily, loud enough for Rae to hear it over the rumble of the engine and the music they had playing.

‘I haven’t seen him since I finished school, and that’s not about to change, ok?’ Harry explained, because he knew he needed to, but his voice was still cold, so Rae just nodded and carried on staring out of the window, not adding anything to the conversation. She never knew what to say when he spoke like that, it was a side of him she’d accepted but disliked none the less. It made her feel something inside that she couldn’t describe, it wasn’t fear, or anger, or anything like hatred. But it was ugly and she hated it as much as she hated how lifeless his voice was and how grey he seemed when he got like that.

The silence that fell over them then, remained, blanketing them like itchy wool, for the rest of the journey. Rae had nothing else to say. She resorted back to being nervous, but even more so that before, the threads had all gone from her jeans so she started making more, her eyes feeling a little, annoyingly, wet. Harry glanced at her every now and again, out of the corner of his eye as he navigated the familiar, winding country lanes that led to his family home. She didn’t look even a little bit comfortable, but it appeared she’d take an aching, curved spine and crooked neck over looking at him.

Guilt washed into Harry, the way it did only seconds after letting himself snap at her, every time he snapped at her. It didn’t happen often, but that didn’t make it any better for Harry. The way her eyes glazed over and she sheltered away from him when it did happen, meant that it would never be ok. He’d never forgive himself for the times he’d made her feel less than what she was worth.

‘We’re here Rae.’ Harry breathed as he turned up the road he’d grown up on. Rae shifted, lifting her head slowly to take it in. Two parallel rows of two semi-detached houses and one detached, a T at the end for turning around and getting back out. Flowers lined paths up to them, patches of perfectly maintained lawns out the front of each of them, large trees around the one at the end on the right. Rae smiled, it was as perfect as she’d imagined it might be, a little cluster of chocolate box houses, because where else would Harry have grown up? ‘I’m sorry.’ Harry whispered, once he’d stopped the car outside the first of the semi-detached houses, but she just shook her head.

‘Don’t, let’s just forget it.’ Rae told him, with a weak smile that he didn’t believe.

‘But-’

‘Harry I said don’t please.’ Rae begged. ‘We’re about to go in there and meet your family and I’m two seconds from running the other way so instead of explaining to me why you’re sorry for snapping over something I shouldn’t have even pushed you on, can you just hold my hand and not let go for a minute.’ Rae was rambling, her mouth running ahead of her mind. For the first time, ever, Harry saw her vulnerability without asking for it. Harry lifted one side of his mouth and nodded.

‘Of course.’ He told her, leaning across the car to kiss her. For a second she relaxed, took a deep breath in, letting Harry engulf her senses as his hand reached for her face. ‘Come on.’ He whispered against her soft lips, stroking her cheek with his thumb before undoing his seat belt, watching for Rae to follow suit before he twisted out of the car. ‘I’ll grab the bags in a bit, let’s go and get this dreaded meeting over.’ Harry laughed as he saw the panic run onto Rae’s features. ‘I’m joking, come on you.’ Harry laughed wandering around the car, and taking her hand, leading her towards his house.

The evening sun made the garden, alive with a wide variety of flowers, Rae couldn’t even believe (it had been a long time since she’d seen a blooming garden quite like that one), look even more beautiful. Her eyes were caught by all the colours as Harry took the lead up the garden path towards the red, plastic front door, complete with brass knocker and letter box. Harry knocked on one of the frosted glass panels that sat in the door, ignoring the knocker completely, before looking down at Rae, stood beside him, biting her lip.

‘Calm down, it’s going to be fine I pr-’

‘You’re here.’ The door opening and a chirpy, sweet voice cut Harry’s promise short, but Rae knew what was intended and she appreciated it nonetheless. Rae took Harry’s mum in for a couple of seconds as she ushered them inside. She was beautiful, but Rae already knew that, she had the same bright beaming smile as Harry, and the same beautifully green eyes, that were a lot more than just green eyes. Happiness literally shone from her like a light and it was infectious. The second Harry let go of Rae’s hand to shut the door behind them, Anne had Rae in her arms. ‘Oh it’s so good to have you here.’ She practically squealed as she squeezed Rae tight.

‘Mum, jesus, put her down, you’ll suffocate her.’ Harry laughed, turning to his mum and Rae with a concerned, yet joyful look on his face.

‘Sorry, I’m sorry.’ Anne fussed letting go of Rae but holding her arms and looking her over, as if inspecting for damage. It was the way Rae’s mum looked at her when she came back from a long day out on the four wheelers. ‘You look tired love.’

‘I’m fine.’ Rae smiled, suddenly excruciatingly aware of how odd her accent was now she was in Harry’s childhood home. Anne smiled and nodded, happy with Rae’s answer, before turning to Harry.

‘Oh, Harry, I’ve missed you.’ Anne cooed, her mouth pouting as she moved towards her son who towered over her. Harry chuckled and outstretched his arms to let his mum into his big, warm, hug. Rae smiled on watching for a second as the pair reunited.

‘Missed you too mum.’ Harry sighed, kissing her head gently before letting her go.

‘You two should unpack.’ Anne began, brushing at the front of her dress, looking at the floor, clearly trying to hide her face.

‘You better not be about to cry, mum.’ Harry joked and Rae just nudged him in the side, giving him a condemning look out of the side of her eye.

‘I’m happy Harry, you know I can’t help it.’ Anne explained, voice a little wobbly and Harry laughed again as he moved forward, wrapping his arm around his mum and pressing another kiss against her head.

‘You wait, I give it a week and you’ll be crying cause we’re getting in your hair.’ Harry jested, squeezing her tighter yet.

‘Never.’ Anne retaliated quickly with a serious look on her face. ‘Now,’ Anne started again, her voice once more stable. ‘Go get your bags and unpack, I’ll make us all a cuppa.’ Harry nodded, smiling down at his mum. ‘I was thinking pub for dinner?’ Anne suggested, and Rae could hear a caution in her voice she hadn’t expected.

‘Sounds great mum.’ Anne beamed, her eyes locked with Harry, but Rae saw the way Anne was spinning a gold band around her middle finger. Maybe that’s where Harry got it from, Rae considered, but pushed it to the back of her mind when Anne wandered off towards the kitchen and Harry turned to her.

‘I’ll go grab the bags.’ Harry told her, moving past her and back out of the house leaving Rae alone in the hallway. She took the time to look around at the photographs hung on the white walls. The normal family photos, ones of Gemma and Harry as children, holiday photos, the standard.

‘Milk and sugar sweetie?’ Anne cooed, popping her head around the kitchen door.

‘Oh no, neither for me thanks.’ Rae smiled, looking down the hallway to Anne. She saw the look of confusion at the unusual request. ‘Weird Australian me I’m afraid.’ Anne chuckled and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Rae turned back to the photos she’d been looking at, but was quickly distracted by Harry coming back through the door, laden with bags. Rae chuckled, she’d forgotten quite how many they had and Harry was representative of a pack horse as he stood in the doorway, only a little breathless, his chest puffing and every muscle in his upper body and tense and in action.

‘Don’t let her catch you looking at those, she’ll get the albums out.’ Harry huffed as Rae took her duffle bag of his shoulder, and his rucksack, leaving Harry with just the two suitcases.

‘That’s definitely happening.’ Rae smiled moving out of Harry’s way so he could lead her upstairs.

‘No fucking way.’ Harry assured, eyes wide and lips tight. Rae chuckled and motioned for him to start on the stairs. Harry grumbled his way up them, already admitting defeat on the photos front. Harry knew if Rae wanted to see photos, she’d see them. It was how come Gemma had ended up scrolling back on her facebook to find the photo of her and Harry dressed up for halloween, both as witches complete with stripey tights. It was how come poor Niall had been forced to get his mum to send over the photos of his first holy communion, because Rae had never seen him in suit and was adamant she had to. Rae loving photography was one thing, Rae loving photos was a completely different thing.

‘Ignore the room, mum refuses to decorate.’ Harry informed Rae, pushing open the first door on the landing. Rae giggled to herself and followed Harry in. She took as much of it as she could in first glance. A giant Manchester United flag was hung from one wall, an acrylic painting of what Rae thought was a bridge hung from the opposite wall. She moved closer to it and inspected the signature, she recognised it, it hadn’t changed despite the date on the paining.

‘You did that?’ She questioned, just to be sure.

‘Yeah, year 10 final piece.’ Harry explained as he lugged the suitcases onto the bed to make them easier to unpack.

‘It’s good.’ Rae smiled turning back to him and moving forward to open her suitcase.

‘Can do better.’

‘Well that was five years ago so it would be weird if you couldn’t do better now.’ Rae pointed out and Harry just hummed in agreement.

‘I don’t know why she won’t change it.’ Harry mumbled glancing at the painting for a second. At the time he could remember being so proud of it, it was the first piece he’d done with completely free reign and he’d loved how it had turned out. When he got his grade back, three marks shy of full, he could have cried. That was how he knew he couldn’t just let art be a hobby.

‘Obviously means a lot to her.’ Rae suggested, beginning to take clothes from the case. Harry just hummed and nodded again. He supposed it must.

They unpacked together, Harry making room in the wardrobe for Rae and clearing a couple of drawes as well. He helped her hang up her nicer clothes and stuffed her shoes into the box with his. The desk was cluttered with art materials he no longer used and Harry made light work of tidying them away to create a makeshift dressing table for her. Harry liked having her things spilling over his room. Until then, they’d shared his bed but all her things had stayed at home in her room. This felt better, proper, and he liked it.

Once they were unpacked they moved back downstairs for the tea Anne had let them know was ready as Harry was hanging up the shirts he’d laid in the bottom of his case to keep from creasing, though it hadn’t really worked. Rae had giggled as Harry grumbled about how crumpled his favourite silk shirts had gotten.

Anne was sat in the living room when they got downstairs, sipping on a mug of tea, reclined in an armchair and flicking through her phone with a pair of glasses hovering on her nose. She quickly dropped the phone though when Rae and Harry entered the room and smiled brightly up at them, pushing her glasses into her hair.

‘All ok?’ Anne asked and Harry nodded. ‘Anything you need love, just shout.’ Anne directed at Rae.

‘Thanks.’ Rae smiled, waiting for Harry to sit on the sofa so she could fit in a space next to him.

‘So any plans whilst you’re here?’ Anne asked starting conversation, Harry passing the mug of black tea to Rae which she thanked them both for before taking a sip as Harry listed off all the things he’d mentioned to Rae that he’d like to take her to see. Rae had never been North of London, so she was looking forward to exploring. Harry had promised her a trip to Manchester, and also York after she’d mentioned how she’d like to see the minster at some point, as well as things more local to his hometown. Rae was looking forward to it.

‘Well that all sounds lovely.’ Anne smiled. ‘Gemma’s going to come up one weekend, maybe we could have a girly day or something?’ Anne suggested.

‘That would be nice.’ Rae grinned, though she’d be a liar if she said nervous butterflies erupt in her tummy. Though, she saw the happy look on Harry’s face at Anne’s suggestion and she knew instantly, she wouldn’t try and get out of it even if she wanted to.

‘Well, table’s booked for seven so I’m going to go and make myself look a little more presentable.’ Anne announced standing, and Rae had to wonder how she could look much better, but just smiled. ‘I’ll take those.’ Anne sort of whispered taking Rae and Harry’s empty mugs from them.

‘Is this place fancy?’ Rae asked in a hushed tone, turning her head to Harry once Anne had left the room. Harry shook his head and laughed.

‘No love, not at all.’

++

Rae had decided on her black skinny jeans, an oversized shirt which she tied in a knot and her black, slightly heeled boots. Harry had complimented the outfit, the way he did more often than not, and Rae felt even happier with it when she saw Anne in a similar thing. Harry of course hadn’t been able to be so casual or subtle, pairing his black jeans with one of his outlandish shirts. He looked good though, as always.

They walked to the pub in a line of three, Harry holding onto Rae’s hand tightly as they wandered up the roads to the pub Harry would be able to find with his eyes shut. They chatted nonchalantly as they walked, but as the pub came into sight Rae noticed the way Anne seemed to quieten, her hands finding each other again, spinning that ring. Rae frowned confused, and looked up to Harry. He hadn’t noticed though, he was chatting happily about an occasion at the pub that he obviously remembered fondly judging by the smile on his face.

Harry held the door open for Anne and Rae and they both thanked him as they walked in. Rae had been in old pubs with the boys in Brighton, of course, but this was different. The pubs in Brighton felt like they were decorated to look old, this one felt old. It didn’t seem like it had changed much since it had been built, which Rae knew from the dark timber beams and low ceiling would have been a long time ago.

‘Ey, he’s back, we’ll be seeing you a bit around then lad?’ A barman cheered as Harry walked in, ducking a little bit under the doorway.

‘I’m sure you will Dave.’ Harry chuckled moving forward to shake the middle aged mans hand. ‘Just grub tonight though mate, not getting messy.’ Dave laughed and nodded.

‘Well once Tom and Jonny hear you’re back I’m sure they’ll be on the blower to get you out.’

‘As long as they don’t mind me bringing Rae, I’m sure something can be arranged.’ Harry smiled whilst pulling Rae close to his side. Rae smiled brightly, those funny nerves keeping the smile on her face for longer than necessary.

‘Oh I see, go down south get yourself a southern belle is that.’

‘More southern than you’d think.’ Rae jested, strengthening her Aussie twang with ease. She chuckled as Dave’s eyes went wide. ‘Rae, nice to meet you.’ Rae offered her hand, dropping the false accent, though obviously not completely.

‘You too.’ Dave smiled, shaking Rae’s outstretched hand.

‘Come on you, mum’s get antsy, catch you later.’ Harry chirped, taking Rae’s arms and directing her towards Anne who was stood where they’d left her looking around the restaurant. Once they were at her side again she began moving towards the tables away from the bar a little.

‘Harry I need to tell you something about ton-’

‘What the fuck is he doing here?’ Harry cut his mum off and Rae looked up at him confused before following Harry’s gaze, but not seeing anything out of the ordinary that would catch his eye.

‘Harry, please, me and your dad have been talking and we-’

‘Are you joking? You’re having a fucking laugh aren’t you?’ Rae suddenly clicked, somewhere in that restaurant was sat his dad, Rae couldn’t see anyone that looked like they might be Harry’s dad, but she was more concerned with the way he was talking to his mum.

‘Harry.’ Rae scalded quietly.

‘No Rae, this isn’t anything to do with you.’ Harry hissed, his eyes fixed on his mums, nostrils flaring as his hands fell to his side, lonely.

‘Harry that’s enough, now come and sit down.’ Anne instructed with a forcefulness to her voice that reminded Rae that she was his parent and he should do as he was told.

‘Not a fucking chance mum, no way.’ Harry spat, before turning on his heel and bulldozing out of the place.

‘I’ll go, I, I’ll,’ Rae tripped over words no idea what to say, no idea how to feel and no idea what to do.

‘I knew this was a bad idea.’ Anne breathed, running her hand through her curled hair, pushing it away from her face and looking at the floor.

‘No it’s ok, let me talk to him, just give us a minute.’ Rae assured, reaching out for Anne’s wrist and holding it for a second, offering her a kind smile before turning to follow Harry. Rae knew nothing about the situation, but she saw the heartbreak in Anne’s eyes when Harry spoke to her like that and left her in the pub with nothing, she felt like she might know how that could feel, and she had to try. ‘Harry, Harry stop.’ Rae called after Harry when she saw him storming back the way they’d come.

‘I’m not going back in there so you can forget it.’ Harry called back venomously. Rae upped her pace to try and catch up with him, but his long legs were making it hard to do so.

‘I haven’t asked you to,’ Rae pointed out. ‘Would you stop for a minute?’ Rae called reaching for one of Harry’s arms and pulling it to make him stop. When he turned it was all over his face, the anger, frustration, all of it, even a hint of something that looked like guilt. Rae dropped his hand and looked up at him.

‘I’m so angry at her why would she do that to me? Why would she lie to me?’ Harry growled, looking over Rae’s head back at the pub. Rae was grateful in a way, the look that flooded his eyes when he got himself in that way was not one she liked to see.

‘Harry you’re not angry at her, you’re angry at him, she’s your mum she’s doing what she thinks is best, you haven’t even heard what she has to say.’

‘I’m not going to, I’m going home, come on.’ Harry told her, moving to turn again.

‘No.’ Rae responded and Harry froze, clearly not expecting that reaction. ‘I’m here to meet your family Harry, like it or not he is your family.’

‘Fine suit yourself, I’ll see you later.’ Harry shrugged, though Rae could tell it had frustrated him by the way he clenched his fists as he began to walk away.

‘So you’re just going to walk away?’ Rae challenged, giving it one last ditch attempt. ‘I thought you didn’t want to be like him.’

‘What did you just say?’ Harry froze again and growled, turning back to Rae but staying in his spot about six steps away from her.

‘You told me you didn’t want to be like your dad.’ Harry’s jaw tensed and his nostrils flared with what she was insinuating, she knew it was a fine wire she was walking but she had to try and hope she didn’t fall off. ‘Your dad walked away didn’t he? Looks to me like that’s what you’re doing too.’ Harry sighed and began biting on his mouth, looking down at the floor. ‘Why don’t you just try? You don’t know why he’s in there, but it wouldn’t hurt to find out, you don’t have to forgive him no one’s saying that, you just have to tolerate him for a couple of hours, hear them out at least.’ Rae’s voice had changed, it was softer as she took steps closer to him, taking his hand again once she was close enough ‘If, after dinner, you still feel exactly like you do now, I’ll never ask you to try again.’

‘Did you know about this?’ Harry asked, finding her eyes at last, the look had faded somewhat but it was still there a little, in the shadows of them.

‘No of course not.’ Rae laughed, ‘Why would you think that?’

‘You’re just being very calm about it, like you’d rehearsed it.’ Harry pointed out, Rae shrugged and shook her head.

‘I didn’t know Harry, but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t just hear what they have to say.’ Harry nodded. For one she was talking sense and for the other he felt like he’d be letting his mum down, and in a weird wae, Rae as well, if he didn’t give it a go.

Harry nodded and gave in, following Rae’s lead back to the pub for a second, before she slipped into his side and wrapped her arm around his waist. He draped his over her shoulder and gripped her arm tight. Harry had no idea how it was going to go. It wouldn’t go amazingly, he knew he wasn’t going to go back in there and be a sweet boy, forgiving and kind to the man that would be sat opposite him. He could try and be civil though, for his mum, but he couldn’t promise that, not even to himself.

Rae felt Harry’s grip on her tighten when they saw Anne and his dad sat at the table, talking quietly, Anne even smiling, before they noticed Harry and Rae entering again. Rae did the same, gripping his waist tighter, silently telling him she was going to be there, she wasn’t going anywhere and she knew he could do this.

‘Sorry for storming out like that.’ Harry mumbled pulling out the chair opposite his mum as Rae did the same opposite his dad. Harry didn’t look at the man set next to his mum, didn’t even give him a glance out of curiosity. Harry simply didn’t care if he looked the same as he remembered, or entirely different.

‘That’s ok.’ Anne smiled, taking an overly large mouthful of the glass of red wine that was sat at the table in front of her.

‘Good to see you lad.’ Harry just nodded as his dad smiled in his direction, still refusing to look at him. ‘So how’s things? How’s uni? Got yourself a pretty lady I see.’ Rae smiled a sweet friendly smile in the strange man’s direction.

‘No this isn’t how it’s going to be-’

‘I’m Rae.’ Rae interrupted, stretching her hand towards Harry’s dad. Rae saw Harry flick his eyes to her out of the corner of her eye, but just tried to focus on the interaction with Harry’s dad. She didn’t know why, but she wondered if Harry saw her trying he might just follow suit. It was a long shot, Rae was aware of that and the tone of Harry’s voice made her even more aware, but she had to try.

‘Glen.’ Rae smiled, happy to have a name, before unfolding her napkin and placing it over her lap. Harry swallowed, that looked like someone settling in for the night and he didn’t think he was ready to commit to that yet. Inside his blood was still boiling, inside he was reeling, and words were forming in his mind that he was dying to say, but was still managing to realise it wouldn’t be a good idea.

‘Annie says you took some lovely photos of the kids.’ Glen grinned, looking at Rae, maybe thinking along the same lines as Rae or maybe just not sure what to say to his son when he wouldn’t even look at him,

‘Don’t call her that.’ Harry growled. Rae just bit her jaw together and took a deep breath.

‘Yeah, for my final project.’ Glen smiled and nodded but Rae saw his eyes twitch to Harry, and could have sworn she saw a sadness in his eyes when he took in Harry’s resistant and cold front. ‘Harry did a great portrait exhibition for his final.’

‘Yeah?’ Rae nodded, looking to Harry silently begging him to say something. ‘I’d have liked to have seen that.’

‘Yeah well you gave up that right didn’t you.’ Harry snapped, Rae swallowing again. Nothing she was trying was working and she was running short of ideas.

‘It was a shame you couldn’t make it Anne.’

‘No stop it Rae, stop trying to make this a cute catch up, it’s not, you don’t know anything.’ Harry cut in, snapping his head in Rae’s direction. It wasn’t her he was angry with, and they both knew that, still it stung a little.

‘Don’t talk to her like that Harry.’ Glen warned, Rae attempted to tell him it was ok, but her voice was drowned out.

‘Oh you’re one to talk.’ Harry spat, sneering at his dad. ‘It’s your fault, it’s your fault I get like this.’

‘You can’t blame everything on me Harry.’ Glen pointed out calmly.

‘I fucking can and I will.’ Harry continued, his voice only getting sharper and more venomous. ‘Why are you even here? No one wants you here.’

‘Harry.’ Anne cooed. Rae saw how Harry softened with her voice as she kept her eyes trained on him, brown eyes full of sadness. ‘Me and your dad, are trying, we’re taking it slow, but we’re seeing if we can make us work again.’ Harry laughed, loud but menacingly, something villainous about it.

‘Are you joking?’ Anne shook her head. ‘Fuck me, have you forgotten what he did to us? Twice.’ Harry reminded her, but Rae could see by the look in her eyes that she hadn’t forgotten.

‘Your dad has been working on himself, he’s been to therapy, he’s working, full time-’

‘Oh so now he won’t leave his wife and kids again.’ Harry remarked sarcastically. ‘Does Gemma know about this?’

‘Yes.’

‘Fucking unbelievable.’ Harry sighed, feeling betrayed as falling back against the back of his chair and shaking his head, biting his lip for a second but he wasn’t silent for long. ‘And you thought, instead of talking to me about it, bringing him to dinner, the night I get home from uni, the day I bring my girlfriend home to meet you, was a good idea.’ Harry moved forward slowly as he spoke, getting gradually closer to his mum with each word. ‘He fucked us over mum, he’ll do it again, how can you trust him? How can you even give him the time of day.’

‘Harry please.’ Anne begged quietly.

‘No sorry, I’ve tried, I can’t, I can’t sit at the table like this and pretend I don’t want to throw him against a wall.’ Harry announced pushing his chair back aggressively. ‘Sorry Rae, I just can’t.’ Harry barely whispered, looking straight into her eyes and getting up from the table. Rae looked down at her lap, not sure what to say or do, wanting to run after Harry and tell him it was ok because she saw the way his soul was breaking with each second that passed as he sat there, but also seeing how sad Anne looked and feeling her own heart breaking with both.

‘Go after him love, please.’ Anne smiled, and Rae nodded getting up from the table.

‘Sorry.’ She whispered, before scampering away in the direction Harry had gone. As she pushed outside, the fresh air hit her. It was certainly cooler for the hours north they’d travelled. The sound hit her before she saw him, the retching was loud and choking. She followed her ears, finding Harry doubled over behind a wall emptying his empty stomach.

‘Fuck Harry, are you ok?’ Rae asked rushing to him and attaching her hands to his back, rubbing over him gently.

‘No.’ He spluttered before emptying more of his stomach. Finally he stopped, clearing his throat and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He was wobbly as he stood and took a few steps away from the puddle of his mostly water based vomit. Rae tried to hold his arms, but Harry just fell, sitting down on the ground his back resting against the wall behind him. ‘No I’m not ok.’ Harry’s breathing was laboured, short sharp breaths going in and out. Rae sunk to her knees beside him. He was gripping his head tight, curling in on himself. ‘I t-think.’ Harry sounded like he’d run a marathon. ‘I’m having a panic attack.’

‘Ok it’s ok.’ Rae’s heart beat got ten times faster as the words dribbled from Harry’s mouth. She had no idea what to do, she’d never experienced a panic attack and didn’t know anyone who had, she had nothing to go off for what to do, so she just did what came naturally. ‘You’re ok, you’re ok and I’m here.’ Rae reassured, arm around his shoulders, holding his bicep tightly so he could feel she was there, it seemed like that was important. Harry’s whole body shuddered with the short breaths he was taking, sharp and sudden, more like incessant hiccups than breath.

‘I can’t breathe.’ Harry stuttered, coughing and spluttering as he used the air he did get to speak.

‘Yes you can.’ Rae reminded him strongly. She crawled around to sit in front of him. She held tightly to his arms that were folded over his knees. His eyes were clouded by tears and she wondered if he could even see her. He didn’t even flinch as she moved her hands, like blocks of ice to his face.

‘Harry?’ Nothing. ‘Harry.’ She said a little more forcefully and he nodded. ‘You’re ok.’ She said again. ‘You can breathe, you’re breathing, you’re ok.’ Rae continued. He wasn’t saying anything, and he wasn’t calming down either, she didn’t know if she was helping at all but she felt like stopping would make it worse.

‘Harry breathe with me.’ She tried, taking a deep breath in, and waiting for him to do the same, he spluttered half way through and gave up going back to the desperate breathing he’d been doing before, sobbing as he did so. ‘Harry come on, you’re ok, you need to take deep breaths.’ Rae instructed and tried again. This time Harry breathed in deep with her, ‘and out.’ She instructed and they did that together too. ‘That’s better, keep going.’ She instructed, before she repeated it as well. They kept going, Rae holding onto Harry’s face so he could look at her while they breathed, deep and slow together.

‘You’re ok.’ She whispered, moving forward to pull him close to her then. She felt him take a deep breath against her neck.

‘I’m sorry.’ Harry breathed, his voice weak and wrecked.

‘Don’t be.’

‘I could feel it coming in there, I had to get out.’ Harry explained numbly.

‘It’s ok Harry, it’s fine.’ Rae reassured squeezing his shoulder blades that she had hold of. ‘You didn’t tell me you get panic attacks.’

‘I don’t,’ Harry told her, sitting back and wiping his face free of the tears that had dampened his face as the panic set in and he began to feel hopeless. ‘Well I haven’t for a long time, I can’t remember the last time I had one.’ Harry explained massaging his head through his hair as it began to ache the way it always did after an attack.

He’d forgotten how much it hurt afterwards, he’d forgotten that even when the worst was done, it wasn’t over. He’d go to sleep that night with a numb ache in his skull, and he’d wake up in the morning, even if he had the most perfect sleep, and feel exhausted. Right now adrenaline was powering him and he couldn’t feel the effects the attack had, had on his muscles, pulling them tight as he tensed up as a defence mechanism against it, but he knew soon they’d ache like nothing else he knew.

‘I’m sorry I can’t go back in.’

‘It’s ok, you tried that’s all I asked you to do.’ Rae reassured smoothing his hair with her hand gently. ‘Why don’t we go home, we can order something in and curl up in bed with a movie.’

‘-As long as it’s not Cars.’

‘-As long as it’s not The Notebook.’

So it’s here early at your request lovely readers. I hope it lives up to expectation and I hope you all like the direction I’ve decided to take with it. Let me know thoughts and feelings. How do we feel about this side of Harry, the anger and the panic attacks? What about Rae, someones doing a bit over thinking ey?

Thanks for all the love on this so far, it really means a lot. I adore feedback so keep it coming pleeease!

As always dedicated to ma baes @cuddlemusclestyles and @harrysmeadow I LOVE YOU

Enjoy, I xx

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