Is this internalized arophobia or aphobia?
I believe I am on the aromantic spectrum because my romantic attraction fluctuates and I spend a long time (more than a year or months) having one crush that consumes me completely. But then when I simply feel no interest in dating or just like romance in fiction and yumeshipping, I feel like I'm faking because I'm "giving up" on love and my mom always says that when I say I don't want to try and date that I "look sad" or "giving up" because I'm just 20.
Sometimes I tend to believe that too, until the idea of someone I don't even know or a friend that I like only as a friend liking me romantically or sexually fills me with dread. Probably also because the one time it happened with someone I felt no desire to even like that way I only felt regret.
That and sometimes I picture my ideal life with living alone with my cats and drawing.
But sometimes the nagging feeling I need to at least date someone someday, and having it be someone in real life makes me just never want to meet anyone ever.
The nagging feeling you have is internalized aphobia.
It sounds like you are aegorose, specifically fictorose (maybe also lithorose or unirose?)
You can read more about that here [link] if you want.
