#unsent emails

[unsentmails]

I SEE THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES AND IM BITING MY TONGUE

[bisexualsurgeonextraordinaire]

Emails (Part Two)

To: Bernie Wolfe

Subject: Bad dreams

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Bernie,

The counsellor I have been talking to said it might be a good idea for me to write about any nightmares I have or my low moments. I doubt I will send this email but thought that this might be a good way to do as he said. I doubt its therapeutic effect but I suppose we shall see.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

Every time I closed my eyes she was there.

I keep thinking about the last time I saw her. How I couldn’t tell that anything was wrong. I don’t know how I missed it. I shouldn’t have missed it.

Anyway, it was the same dream as before. It’s always the same dream.

I’m stood over her bed, watching her, before they take her away from me. Except she’s not intubated. She looked so peaceful. My little girl. Then her eyes open and she starts to speak. Every guilty thought I’ve had about her death comes out of her mouth.

Why didn’t you save me?

You were too busy worrying about Jason to notice me.

I’ve always been second place, for you.

Bernie, her voice saying those things. I can’t bear it.

Everyone says time helps. In some ways it does. In other ways though … there’s a hole in my chest and it isn’t healing. The grief is horribly isolating. It amplifies the guilt; the regret. I do not know how anyone is supposed to cope with this.

I had to spend the rest of the night with the lights on just so I could tell that the ghosts hadn’t followed me to France. That and the bottle of wine that kept me company. I know that’s not what you want to hear. I think I finally fell back to sleep when the sun started to rise. They have beautiful sunrises in France, you know.

There were no dreams after that.

I’m worried about tonight. If it will bring more of the same.

I won’t send this to you. It’ll only worry you and I’ve caused enough of that, already.

I love you, Bernie.

S xxx

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//I’ve decided to post them on AO3. Each chapter is an email so if anyone wanted to read them together, as I add to them, then you can find them at the below link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889758/chapters/62912842

[bravelyforwardhangingon]

I wrote out this email to someone who isn't currently talking to/responding to me (no idea why). I've edited it several times over the last couple of days.

I want to send it, badly, and am fighting against all my impulses to just click send.

If I can make it another day or two without reaching out to this person another way, I may go ahead and send it.

[unsentmails]

They’re just blowing smoke

I’ll say what they won’t,

I know everything they don’t.

[unsentmails]

dear you,

i hate you for leaving, and i hate me for crying.

[unsentmails]

[unsentmails]

GOD IM ACTUALLY INVESTED HAVENT EVEN MET HIM WATCH THIS BE THE WRING THING CLASSIC!

[unsentmails]

Guys I was hanging out with him yesterday and he kissed me and he kept calling me pretty like GUYS