I love you. With all that I am and all that I have. Unfortunately, it’s never enough. It’s not enough for you to let me in your life and make me a part of it. It’s not enough for you to respect me. It’s not enough for you to properly love me.
I am so tired of writing about you. I am so tired of writing these words because I know it won’t matter, because I know they’re all repetitive. Because I know, at the end of the day, you don’t care.
I thought this was it, I thought we finally had it right, we are finally working things out. You’re starting to open up and be more communicative, but what happened? You snapped at me. For something so little. I keep replaying what happened. I spent a whole day grieving about my grandma, whom I was missing so much because of the holidays, I wasn’t even able to bring myself out of bed until my family had to physically drag me out of bed to force the festivities to me. But I made sure that I messaged you the very moment that the clock struck 12 for you, I didn’t let a whole day pass. I guess it’s wrong of me to not have communicated how I felt but why are you allowed to not message me the whole day and I’m expected to be understanding of it when you’re sad but I’m not? Then I woke up the next morning where you haven’t even opened my messages. I tried ringing you because I thought you were just napping because you usually do during that time, I didn’t know you were with your family. Because since we got back together, you would let me know if you have plans even when I’m asleep. I rang you multiple times because I thought I just needed to wake you up. I didn’t know. But the way you talked to me felt as if I am the world’s shittiest person ever, for wanting to talk to you. You sounded so condescending and demeaning, which was uncalled for.
I was gonna let it go but it hurt so much, on top of my grieving. I brought up how I felt and you said “we’re done then.”. I tried to ring you to talk but you refused. What was I supposed to do with that? Of course take it to heart.
Just because I brought up how your words would sometimes hurt me, you ended it.
I cant believe I’ve allowed you to hurt me this way again. I was doing good, I was slowly being myself again. But I messaged you back and decided to give us a shot, you sounded sincere, that you are truly changed. I silenced every single doubt and every person who said I shouldn’t because I love you, because I wanted to make it work. Even if I was still hurting from what you’ve previously put me through. I decided to put it behind me because of my love for you. But nothing changed, because if it was truly changing then you wouldn’t revert back to the pervious hurtful you.
What hurt most is that you used my mental illness against me just to prove your point in a petty argument. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever heard in my whole existence, because I trusted you, I trusted that our relationship was a safe space. When you apologized, I said it’s okay because I wanted to keep the peace even if I was still hurting over it. Because I love you. Because I want to be with you.
I don’t know what words to use or what to say to express how I feel right now because it will all be redundant, because this is the very same pain you put me thorugh before. Except this time, it’s worse.
I’ve never wanted anyone in my life like this before, I’ve never imagined having a future with anyone but you came along. I wanted it all with you -the white pickett fence, the school drop offs, the mundane house chores, the quiet days, the loud days, the happy days, all of the days. I wanted endless future with you. I wanted you so bad.
You know what’s worse? I would do it all again. I would take you back in a heartbeat. Even if it’s bad for me. Even if it’s bad for us.
So how do I move on from this? How do I move on from you? How do I unlove you? Please tell me because I can’t continue loving someone who loves to hurt me. Because I cant continue breaking my own heart. Every single day, I have to pretend that I’m okay. I have to pretend that you don’t exist. I have to pretend that I am not hurting, that I’m not breaking down. All I want is to reach out to you, to feel you again, to love you again.
So tell me, how do I stop loving you? Please. I need answers. I cant keep breaking my own heart. I am nothing but pieces now.
